“If you're reading
this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent
that one or both of your parents was a narcissist. Narcissists are so
much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were
raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists'
children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided
stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or
grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the
narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't
automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact
psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic
parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not,
children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a
stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new
narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key
to their heart.
Thus, we've been
trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often
tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals
whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from
first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way.
Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand
all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love
by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and
saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt
you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test
your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be
discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't
really love me or you'd do whatever I ask." ----- Joanna Ashmun
How To Recognize A Narcissist
I
would not be writing this blog if my NFOO were the only narcissists to infect
my life. Wouldn’t that be nice? To be done with these pernicious
creatures at the age of 18; clean-up the aftermath of
their abuse and move forward with my life, narc free.
No such luck! My narcissist family of origin was pretty much
obliterated by the time I was 18, which means I have been out of that sick and
twisted system longer than I was in it. But did I walk out of a world
dominated by narcissists into a kinder, gentler one free of narcissists? Hell
NO.
Transitioning
from a NFOO into adulthood was like surviving a devastating car crash, and
wandering away from the scene of the accident in severe shock and with a bad
head injury. I entered adulthood traumatized, and I didn’t even know it.
Trauma is not a good foundation in which to build a life. Trauma is not
the basis of practical choices and wise decisions. I entered into adulthood
with my navigation and response systems compromised, and all my safety mechanisms
corrupted. In short: I was brainwashed, with no boundaries and set to fight or
flight mode. I had the narcissists to thank for erasing everything in me that
would keep me safe in a dangerous world. I was groomed by wolves to be
attractive to wolves.
Growing
up in a “family” dominated by narcissists is akin to being raised in a cult. I
wrote about this in the post Narcissistic Abuse is Soul Murder where I compared it to being
imprisoned in a police state a la Big Brother. There is absolute control,
invasion of privacy, brainwashing, punishment for original thought, isolation,
silencing, secretiveness, group think, fraud and dictatorship to name a few.
Being
raised in a NFOO is also like being combat soldiers on the front lines of
war: facing the enemy without back-up, running as bullets fly and
ducking for cover as grenades are tossed, and always living in a state of
fear and apprehension as we nervously wait for the next bomb to drop. We
could never relax. We were never safe from harm. We were hostages
fighting to survive in a war that we didn’t sign-up for. Yup, we ACONs
were thrust out into the world brainwashed combat vets and POW survivors with
post-war trauma. But no one would know this just by looking at us. Except of
course, the enemy… other narcissists.
This
most insidious aspect of narcissistic abuse is this: we were groomed by
predators FOR predators. It’s like the trafficking of human souls.
Are all these evil fucks in it together? Is the cult of narcissistic abuse a
form of organized crime? All I can say is; the narcs that trained me have
blood on their hands. I was their human sacrifice to the world of predators and
they are in collusion with every evil, sick fuck that ever harmed me. My
narcissist parents shoved me out into the world with a map directing me toward
a life of traumatic events and abusive relationships.
Having
personal boundaries repeatedly trampled by N parents and siblings to the point
where the lines of me and others no longer exists, is utterly selfish and
cruel. The narcissist parent TRAINS the child to ignore the warning signs
of danger so THEY can gain access and violate us without any interference.
When you make boundary trespassing “normal” you just set the child up to
be exploited. Because isn’t that what boundaries are: an early warning
detection system to keep out intruders? Yup. Those N parents are as merciless
as they come. In addition to the abuse at THEIR hands, the N parent primes the
child to be abused by the rest of the world and sets them up for a life of
hazardous relationships. And because life among the NFOO is so dangerous, we
essentially enter the world alone, as orphans with no support system. We are
first rate narc bait without a safety line. We ACONs are simply irresistible to
predators. Yum, yum. Let the feeding frenzy begin.
A
few years after I had fled to the opposite end of the country to a city where I
didn’t know anyone, and with only $200 bucks in my pocket, I had a long
distance chat with malignant narc mother. I told MNM about a couple
of shitty experiences I had starting out in the big city, but there were tons.
She became incredibly hostile and snapped, “Why do these things always happen
to YOU?!” I remember saying, “I don’t know. Bad luck? It’s not my fault. Why
can’t you give me the benefit of the doubt?” She screamed back at me, “I would
NEVER give YOU the benefit of the doubt!” It wasn’t long after that, that I
went no contact for good. I have not seen or spoke to the vicious, psycho,
malignant monster in 22 years. Looking back at that conversation I think of
things like, “Yeah ‘mom’ why do these things always happen to ME?” I was
fucking set-up by YOU and the other narcs! That’s why! Interestingly enough,
malignant narcissist sister has never been exploited and abused as an
adult. Want to know why? Because she was trained to be a PREDATOR.
And
as far MN mother callously lacking any and all concern for my wellbeing
- what the hell should I expect? She’s a malignant narcissist. Malignant
narcissists train you to bend-over for abuse, and then despise you for taking
it. It truly is a Catch – 22.
Even
before I discovered malignant narcissism and was FINALLY able to slap a label
on the “family” freak show, I was fully aware of N parent’s extreme
limitations. Friends that I made in the big city I fled to were always
perplexed by my background. They would ask me, “Do your parents know where you
are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Do they wonder where you are?” I
would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Don’t they care how you are?” I would
answer, “No.” They would ask, “Why?! Why?! Why?!” My stock response was,
“They’re not capable of caring.” Funnily enough, I even had an N friend
say to me, “In all the time I have known you, for the life of me, I can’t
figure out why your parents hate you.” I replied, “Maybe it’s not me, maybe
it’s them.” And incidentally, I never told anyone my parents hate me.
I guess they just equated their indifference with hate, which is not a stretch
as indifference is the opposite of love.
So,
as you can see; I was no fool. I was onto something. I went NO
CONTACT for good with MN mother and MN sister in my early 20’s. I knew at
a fairly young age that my NFOO was dangerous and that I was better off without
them. But despite my survival instincts, I still got involved with narcissists
because of my special prior training.
Being
raised in a home dominated by narcissists is not just a case of my family sucks
so I’m outta here, and that’s the end of the insanity. On no. Not a
chance. I really wish it was that simple. For me, it was a case of my family
sucks and no matter how far I run they continue to suck and suck and suck and
suck. Narcissistic abuse is like a gigantic leech that latches on and continues
to feed. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, the narcissist’s
voice lives inside of you (that should be a dysfunctional family greeting
card).
Remember
all those cults that sprung-up in the 1970’s, and how those poncho wearing,
pot-smoking, and sometimes just naive teenage hippies had to be “rescued” by
their parents? But the parents didn’t do the actual rescuing. The parents
had to hire people that were specially trained at removing/kidnapping people from
cults and de-programming them. I remember seeing documentaries on the subject.
The “deprogrammers” would snatch the kid, shove them in a van, and then take
them to a hotel room where there were no outside influences – NONE - and the
deprogramming would commence.
And
therein lies the reason why the adult children of narcissists are not free from
abuse simply because they have escaped their family of origin - outside
influences; other narcissists. How can you deprogram if members of the same
cult keep slithering into your life? You can’t! It is IMPOSSIBLE to
mitigate the effects of narcissistic abuse if your life continues to be
infiltrated by narcissists.
I
may have encountered “lesser narcissists” after my NFOO, but they were
narcissists just the same. And even if some of these “relationships” were only
short lived, there was still damage. It seemed I was always cleaning-up
after these fuckers. And when I finally got rid of one infestation, there
would be another. I swear these narcs are like cockroaches: you can’t leave any
tasty crumbs around for them to snack on. NOT A CRUMB.
The
aftershock of narcissistic abuse has been more devastating to me than the
original abuse. The "big one" hit in my NFOO, I survived it and
walked away. What I didn’t count on was the ripple
effect: numerous smaller quakes repeatedly hitting me
in the same spot at unpredictable and random intervals.
Narcissists on the outside strike like terrorists. At least in a N
home, there is some predictability, and if your parent isn't a stalker,
there is the possibility of a clean exit strategy.
But when N abuse becomes a part of your adult life - when you
can't stop trying to get blood out of a stone - there seems to be no escape.
It's never ending. You say to yourself "I guess most people are just
like that." Or, "maybe something is wrong with me?" As Anna V
said, the only thing wrong with us ACONs is that we tolerate narcissists. So
please NEVER confuse being shell-shocked and brainwashed with a busted compass
and non-existent security and support system as being damaged or defective.
Only narcissists want you to believe that, and it is only
narcissists that are truly deserving of the description: damaged,
disordered and defective. It is the mutant narcissist who is lacking in
everything that makes us human.
So
we ACONs are shell-shocked soldiers walking right into another battle.
A battle that never ends until we figure-out the enemy. They say
knowing your enemy is half the battle. This is true, especially when you
discover it's not you, it's THEM - The Narcissists! And the only way to
win the battle is to closely study your enemy and know your
own weakness; the ones that your N parents cultivated
in you during narc abuse training camp. Only when you
truly understand the enemy and know yourself will you be
properly protected. That's what this blog is about.
So as
I wrap up this post, I notice a fellow soldier has found their way here by
asking the Google oracle: what does it truly mean to be narcissist free?
To
me, it means the war is my mind is finally over. It’s the end of battling the
narcissist’s influence on my thoughts, feelings and behavior. I'm happy to report that part of the war is
over for me. DONE. Narcissists no longer have any influence on me. Well… except
for pissing me off. And I am well aware that narcissists will always exist,
they are out there and they are numerous, and there's a part of me that
humbly accepts that I will always be vulnerable. The only
thing I can do, that any of us can do, is know the enemy and know
thyself.
And while you're at it, throw loads of love at yourself
and NEVER love anyone that can't love you
back.