Adult Children of Narcissists: Survivors or Transcenders?

Survivors and Transcenders

By Andrew Vachss

I believe that many people who were abused as children do themselves—and the entire struggle—a disservice when they refer to themselves as "survivors." A long time ago, I found myself in the middle of a war zone. I was not killed. Hence, I "survived." That was happenstance ... just plain luck, not due to any greatness of character or heroism on my part. But what about those raised in a POW camp called "childhood?" Some of those children not only lived through it, not only refused to imitate the oppressor (evil is a decision, not a destiny), but actually maintained sufficient empathy to care about the protection of other children once they themselves became adults and were "out of danger."

To me, such people are our greatest heroes. They represent the hope of our species, living proof that there is nothing bio–genetic about child abuse. I call them transcenders, because "surviving" (i.e., not dying from) child abuse is not the significant thing. It is when chance becomes choice that people distinguish themselves. Two little children are abused. Neither dies. One grows up and becomes a child abuser. The other becomes a child protector. One "passes it on." One "breaks the cycle." Should we call them both by the same name? Not in my book. (And not in my books, either.)

Adult Children of Narcissists: You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

                                               You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

This article by Andrew Vachss is a must read for Adult Children of Narcissists. As far as I'm concerned, it's one of the most important articles for those of us that endured severe emotional abuse at the hands of our parents, siblings and extended family. 

As an adult child of a cruel narcissist family, I sometimes feel universally abandoned (even with a blog about narcissistic abuse). And it's this article - You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart -  that I go back to time and again for validation. The article is a reminder that there are people out there that truly get it. That don't need explaining. That don't need convincing. They don't require a check list and a rating system to quantify and qualify the severity of our abuse. They just know. Emotional abuse is the cruelest and longest-lasting abuse of all. They understand that any abuse that diminishes an individual's sense of self is devastating and comes at a great cost. 

They also know that any form of "healing" or "cure" for emotional abuse is not available to purchase. The cure is carried within the survivor's own heart and soul. And only we know how to tap into our healing source. And we are free to do it in our own way and in our own time. Our hearts, our souls, our recovery, our terms. We hold the power to help ourselves. 


                                           You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart  

                                             by Andrew Vachss      www.vachss.com

I'm a lawyer with an unusual specialty. My clients are all children—damaged, hurting children who have been sexually assaulted, physically abused, starved, ignored, abandoned and every other lousy thing one human can do to another. People who know what I do always ask: "What is the worst case you ever handled?" When you're in a business where a baby who dies early may be the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy answer. But I have thought about it—I think about it every day. My answer is that, of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest–lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self–concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: "You're fat. You're stupid. You're ugly."

Emotional abuse can be as random as the fallout from a nuclear explosion. In matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the battlefield. I remember a young boy, barely into his teens, absently rubbing the fresh scars on his wrists. "It was the only way to make them all happy," he said. His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and each was demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.

Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: "You'll never be the success your brother was." Deliberate humiliation: "You're so stupid. I'm ashamed you're my son."

It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect—a sin of omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to a child that withholding it can cause a "failure to thrive" condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional abuse who have been designated as the family's "target child." The other children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the qualities every child will need as an adult—empathy, nurturing and protectiveness—they learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the cycle continues.

But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to "explain" the conduct of his abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self–blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will "just get over it" when they become adults.

That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And, like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical, sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. "It wasn't just the incest," she said quietly. "It was that he didn't love me. If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me."

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.

We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so that they "see" behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love—and so convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime candidates for abuse within intimate relationships.

The emotionally abused child can be heard inside every battered woman who insists: "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke him somehow."

And the almost–inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the victim's life.

Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life. Emotional abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because the emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against themselves. And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?

Members of a therapy group may range widely in age, social class, ethnicity and occupation, but all display some form of self–destructive conduct: obesity, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, domestic violence, child abuse, attempted suicide, self–mutilation, depression and fits of rage. What brought them into treatment was their symptoms. But until they address the one thing that they have in common—a childhood of emotional abuse—true recovery is impossible.

One of the goals of any child–protective effort is to "break the cycle" of abuse. We should not delude ourselves that we are winning this battle simply because so few victims of emotional abuse become abusers themselves. Some emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves.

The pain does not stop with adulthood. Indeed, for some, it worsens. I remember a young woman, an accomplished professional, charming and friendly, well–liked by all who knew her. She told me she would never have children. "I'd always be afraid I would act like them," she said.

Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological brutality, asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their children to "toughen up." It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted notion that beating children produces good citizens—we must also renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want the "debt" paid off, because they live quite happily on the "interest."

When your self'concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers. It's time to stop playing that role.

Because emotional abuse comes in so many forms (and so many disguises), recognition is the key to effective response. For example, when allegations of child sexual abuse surface, it is a particularly hideous form of emotional abuse to pressure the victim to recant, saying he or she is "hurting the family" by telling the truth. And precisely the same holds true when a child is pressured to sustain a lie by a "loving" parent.

Emotional abuse requires no physical conduct whatsoever. In one extraordinary case, a jury in Florida recognized the lethal potential of emotional abuse by finding a mother guilty of child abuse in connection with the suicide of her 17–year–old daughter, whom she had forced to work as a nude dancer (and had lived off her earnings).

Another rarely understood form of emotional abuse makes victims responsible for their own abuse by demanding that they "understand" the perpetrator. Telling a 12–year–old girl that she was an —enabler— of her own incest is emotional abuse at its most repulsive.

A particularly pernicious myth is that "healing requires forgiveness" of the abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is self–help—and a victim handicapped by the need to "forgive" the abuser is a handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional–abuse victim can make is to invest in the "rehabilitation" of the abuser. Too often this becomes still another wish that didn't come true—and emotionally abused children will conclude that they deserve no better result.

The costs of emotional abuse cannot be measured by visible scars, but each victim loses some percentage of capacity. And that capacity remains lost so long as the victim is stuck in the cycle of "understanding" and "forgiveness." The abuser has no "right" to forgiveness—such blessings can only be earned. And although the damage was done with words, true forgiveness can only be earned with deeds.

For those with an idealized notion of "family," the task of refusing to accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For such searchers, the key to freedom is always truth—the real truth, not the distorted, self–serving version served by the abuser.

Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of nasty, mean–spirited, personal–attack cruelty that passes for "entertainment" is but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and spiritual erosion, a "family" bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its children will not hold the line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of turning.

Effective treatment of emotional abusers depends on the motivation for the original conduct, insight into the roots of such conduct and the genuine desire to alter that conduct. For some abusers, seeing what they are doing to their child—or, better yet, feeling what they forced their child to feel—is enough to make them halt. Other abusers need help with strategies to deal with their own stress so that it doesn't overload onto their children.

But for some emotional abusers, rehabilitation is not possible. For such people, manipulation is a way of life. They coldly and deliberately set up a "family" system in which the child can never manage to "earn" the parent's love. In such situations, any emphasis on "healing the whole family" is doomed to failure.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self–help until you learn to self–reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say"—only continues the cycle.

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life–choices: learn to self–reference or remain a victim. When your self–concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self–respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more.

And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.

Malignant Narcissists Groom Their Prey For Maximum Exploitation

I like this image of the Big Bad Wolf because it is right on point with what the malignant narcissist predator is all about. The Wolf is dangling a bare bone while gripping a fork. This is exactly what the MN predator does; they toss their prey a “meatless” bone to lure them in, so THEY can feed. The bone may as well be rubber because what the malignant narcissist uses to bait the victim is worthless, it’s FAKE, there’s no substance to it, it’s all on the level of pretense, and it’s called “Grooming” - a predatory act of maneuvering prey into a trap.

I came across a description of “Grooming” on Out of the Fog and was amazed at how perfectly it describes the predation of malignant narcissist/psychopath sister AND MN mother on my N dad. But before we get to the description, let me begin with my experiences of being “groomed” by a narcissist.

Done. I have none. Grooming doesn’t work on me. Why? Probably because I was raised in captivity with three narcissists, I was out numbered, and I had to carefully study how the eco-system of the narc jungle functions in order to survive. If I fell prey to manipulation tactics such as grooming, I would have been chewed-up and spat out before I reached my teens.  

I recall one New Year’s Eve, I was home watching TV, and at the stroke of midnight malignant narcissist sister and her friend grabbed a bunch of pots and pans from the kitchen and went out onto the street and banged the living shit out of them. When malignant narcissist mother discovered that her pots and pans were dented and chipped she was furious. MN sister couldn’t pin this one on me because my parents came home while she was making a racket throughout the neighborhood and they caught her walk through the door pot handed. What happened next was something my 15 year old self put in the narcissist behavioral data bank.

Initially MN mother became angry at MN sister and bitched and moaned about her precious pots and pans, but that wasn’t the end of it. The next day, MN mother did some role reversing and tried to employ a divide and conquer technique. She “acted” as if my sister was invisible and went into full-on grooming/engulf mode with ME. Normally she didn’t acknowledge my existence, but now she was doing the human version of a picking through my hair. Because this was so out of character for her, I immediately recognized that she was working an angle – all this doting was to make my sister jealous. I was merely a pawn in her sick little game. It was almost laughable how she timed things. For example, MN sister would walk by, or enter the room I was in, and like magic, MN mother would appear and ask me in a sickly syrupy voice if I needed anything. This was quite a departure from her evil glares, hissing and threats to annihilate me. It was truly cringe worthy. Eventually MN mother realized I wasn’t taking the bait and she defaulted to her regular MN mother position – ignoring, neglectful, resentful.

I saw the hypocrisy and bizarre connections in MN mother’s actions. MN sister could bash me all she wanted and no one would care, but heaven forbid MN sister bash-up something of value, like a pot or a pan, then MN mother was going to make her pay by lavishing me (the human version of the dented object) with all kinds of contrived attention. From what I remember, that was the only time MN sister ever received anything resembling “punishment” but it had no effect on her, especially since MN mother’s show closed after only one performance.  

I learned at a young age not to trust smooth talking hustler types. I learned to experience effusiveness as off-putting. I have a few other experiences in life with narcissists who tried to lure me in this manner and failed miserably, BUT I have many many more experiences with narcissists who were critical, indifferent, neglectful, completely self-absorbed and made me feel “not good enough” who succeeded with me. 

Grooming is an extremely predatory act, so it’s the very dangerous among us (the evil) who employ this tactic. Both my malignant narcissist mother and malignant narcissist sister are predators: they go out of their way to find vulnerable prey to exploit/feed on. My father is a narcissist, bordering on malignant, but he is not a predator. In fact, my father has been preyed on repeatedly by malignant narcissist women. If you think all narcissists are immune to the predatory tactics of highly malignant narcissists, think again. Being a narcissist with an addiction to narc supply is a big button.

In his book Without Conscience, The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among us, Dr. Robert. D. Hare describes how these predators seek out our buttons to press.

If you have any weak spots in your psychological makeup, a psychopath is sure to find and exploit them, leaving you hurt and bewildered. The examples below illustrate the uncanny ability of psychopaths to detect our vulnerabilities and to push our buttons.  

In an interview, one of our psychopaths, a con artist, said candidly, “When I’m on the job the first thing I do is I size you up. I look for an angle, an edge, figure out what you need and give it to you. Then it’s pay-back time, with interest. I tighten the screws.” 

The callous use of the lonely is a trademark of psychopaths. Psychopaths have no hesitation in making use of people’s need to find a purpose in their lives, or in preying on the confused, the frail, and the helpless.

One of our subject carefully studied newspaper obituaries, looking for elderly people who had just lost a spouse and who had no remaining family members. In one case, posing as a “grief counselor,” he persuaded a seventy-year-old widow to give him power of attorney over her affairs. His scheme fell apart only because an alert church minister became suspicious, checked up on the impostor, and learned that he was a convicted swindler out on parole. “She was lonely, and I was attempting to bring some joy into her life,” said our subject.

Malignant narcissist mother has been mentoring MN sister in the black art of predation her entire life. I can just imagine the dialogue during one of her “grooming” coaching sessions. MN mother blows her whistles, gets up in MN sister’s face and says firmly, “Make sure you are a part of your father’s life, especially as he gets older. You need to stay close to him because you never know who will try and take advantage of him.”

Translation: “Take advantage of your father’s vulnerabilities in old age. Make him dependent on you, take away his freedom, isolate him, control his mind and bleed him dry before he dies.”

The years MN sister has spent plotting, scheming and “grooming” N father have all been leading up to that moment where she gains absolute power and control over him – that time has come. And I’m convinced MN mother and MN sister view enslaving N father and draining the life out of him as justified as opposed to murdering him. Even in the animal kingdom the prey doesn’t need to be dead to be fed on. 

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Outwardly it would appear that MN sister is succeeding at her assignment. She obtained POWER of attorney over N father, shoved him in a tiny assisted living home, and took everything he had away from him, including his freedom and his dignity. She’s squeezed him hollow and filled him with herself. Every aspect of his life is under MN sister’s control. She watches, monitors, intercepts and blocks his communication and has him so brainwashed and psychologically feeble that he needs her to tell him what to do.

MN mother must be gloating. It’s been her life work to train her malignant daughter to imprison her father and exploit him. My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but MN mother is still out to dominate N father and control him till his last dying day. The fact that MN sister is carrying out her will is of no consequence – they (MN mother and MN sister) are one person. MN mother uses MN daughter to abuse N father, MN sister uses N father to abuse normal sister (me). I’ve watched with fascination as history has repeated itself. The same shit that went down at the end of my Narcissist parent’s marriage, is the same shit that is going down at the end of their lives. The big shark eats the smaller shark, the smaller shark eats the smallest shark, the smallest shark eats the fish.  

What’s interesting here is this: MN mother would NEVER hand control of her life over to evil frankendaughter. No way! She knows better – she trained her vile daughter to look out for number one, and win at all costs. It’s a case of the master training the pupil, and the pupil becoming more dangerous than the master. Even though MN mother and MN sister are thick as thieves, there is NO honor among malignant narcissist thieves. They don’t trust each other, and why should they? They BOTH have a strong need for psychological and physical control over others, and they both know what the other is capable of. They are both highly skilled manipulators and predators who “groom” their prey for maximum exploitation. MN mother groomed MN sister to a life of bondage, and now MN sister has imprisoned N dad and groomed him to be a puppet on her string. 

Grooming - Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

Description: Grooming is an insidious predatory tactic, utilized by abusers. Grooming is practiced by Narcissists, Antisocial predators, con-artists and sexual aggressors, who target and manipulate vulnerable people for exploitation.

Child grooming is the deliberate act of establishing an emotional bond with a child, to lower the child's resistance. Child grooming can result in the minor falling victim to physical, sexual and emotional abuse, or specifically, to manipulate children into participating in slave labor, prostitution, and/or the production of child pornography.

Adult grooming is correspondent to child grooming and applies to any situation where an adult is primed to allow him or herself to be exploited or abused. While it is a common assumption that grooming is only practiced on the very young, identical emotional and psychological processes are commonly used to abuse or exploit adults, the elderly, and those with compromised mental facilities.

A predator will identify and engage a victim and work to gain the target’s trust, break down defenses, and manipulate the victim until they get whatever it is they are after.

The hallmarks of grooming are overt attention, verbal seduction (flattery / ego stroking), recruitment, physical isolation, charm, gift-giving, normalizing, gaslighting, secrecy, and threats.

• Abusers who groom their victims often claim to have a special connection with the abused. The so-called connection might be emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, or all of the above. This is often backed up by the predator echoing back part of the target's own background or story, altered to fit the groomer’s back-story, in order to confirm the connection.
• In order to abuse or exploit another person without fear of discovery, a sexual predator or con artist will frequently condition their intended victim to keep secrets for them. When building this bond of trust, an abuser may share seemingly personal or private information, and then swear the victim to secrecy. The victim is made to believe that they are being trusted with something of value, before being asked to share something of value with his/her abuser.
• Abusers use shared secrets to bind their victims to them. By degrees, the target is gradually lured in to revealing private information, giving up money, property or sexual favors, or permitting /engaging in inappropriate, unsafe, or illegal behaviors.
• The victim is often drawn in to being a "co-conspirator” (also known as forced teaming) with his or her abuser.
• Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the victim silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeeds.

Who are the victims of grooming? Men. Women. Children. Young adults. The middle-aged. The elderly. The lonely and the emotionally compromised. Those whose defenses are down. Anyone with soft boundaries. In short: There is no prototypical victim. Almost anyone can be vulnerable to grooming. Predators are practiced, and extremely good at what they do. Those who are not, tend to get caught. Those who get caught, tend to learn from their mistakes, and refine their techniques. You don’t have to be especially gullible to fall victim to grooming, but if you learn the signs, you can successfully identify a potential abuser, and avoid exploitation:

• Predators work in the shadows, and have something to hide.
• Predators claim to feel a "special connection" with their targets, even if they've only just met.
• Predators recruit co-conspirators (forced teaming) to fight their battles and do their bidding.
• Predators draw their victims in by sharing private information then swearing them to secrecy.
• Predators practice divide and conquer techniques in order to manipulate others.

Examples of Grooming:

• An individual who lures lonely or vulnerable people into a relationship in order to position themselves for monetary gain.
• An adult in a position of authority who uses their status to entice minor children into engaging in sexual activity.
• Anyone who manufactures a (false) bond of trust in order to extract promises or favors from another.

What it feels like:

Grooming can feel exhilarating – at first. The predator employs attentiveness, sensitivity, (false) empathy and plenty of positive reinforcement to seduce their victim. For their part, victims can be so enthralled with, or overwhelmed by the attention they are receiving; they will often overlook or ignore red flags that might alert them that the person who is showering them with that attention is somehow “off”.

Little by little, the abuser breaks through a victim’s natural defenses, gains trust, and manipulates or coerces the victim into doing his/her bidding. The victim finds themselves willingly handing over money or assets, engaging in inappropriate, illegal or morally ambiguous actives, or acting as a proxy for the abuser, fighting the abuser’s battles, and carrying out their will.

The victim often feels confusion, shame, guilt, remorse and disgust at his or her own participation. Equally powerful, is the panic that comes with the threat of being exposed for engaging these activities. There may also an overwhelming fear of losing the emotional bond that has been established with an abuser. The victim becomes trapped, depressed or despondent.

“The victim becomes trapped, depressed or despondent.”

"Predators recruit co-conspirators (forced teaming) to fight their battles and do their bidding.”

“Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the victim silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeed.”

“Predators work in the shadows, and have something to hide.”

MN sister’s relationship with her dad is identical to his marriages to cruel, greedy, controlling, manipulative, mentally deranged women. She’s like a combination of both ex-wives on steroids. The whole thing is very creepy. What is MN sister hiding? Same thing she has always been hiding – financial exploitation, that’s the socially unacceptable crime. But what’s the more insidious crime here? Elder abuse would be the obvious answer, but that’s not it. What is MN sister really hiding? I believe it’s her twisted fixation to control, dominate, and enslave another human being. MN sister is a pervert with the same psychological mindset as a serial killer or a pedophile. Absolute power over another is MN sister's secret vice. Her monkey Lloyd, though mutually parasitic, is bound to a life of captivity, and now so is my dad.  

I have watched this horror show unfold from a distance, and everything listed in the description of grooming, I have seen play out. I have to say, things are looking pretty bleak for the narcissists, maybe not at first glance, but I believe there is something at work and it’s NOT something I have any control over.

My father has been reduced to nothing, and my sister has total power over him. He is being exploited by MN sister, her flying monkey, and his ex-wife. It’s a disturbing relationship between four disturbed individuals. Whether N father realizes it or not, he has been lured into a trap and this is the most horrific position for someone who is vulnerable to be in. But vulnerability is what makes the malignant narcissist’s fangs come out. It’s at the height of the victim’s vulnerability that the MN predator goes in for the kill and wages the final assault.

It would appear he was lured and trapped by MN sister because he’s a slave to his narcissism. He craves narcissistic supply and she provides it. He’s an addict, she’s a pusher. It may even appear that he was blinded by his narcissism. I mean, did it ever occur to him that his greedy, manipulative, evil malignant daughter who HE enabled to blatantly abuse me, and who he plotted, schemed, and conspired with to betray me, wouldn't turn around and do the same thing to him? It’s the story of the frog and the scorpion. MN sister is a dangerous predator – that’s her nature. 

After 17 years of no contact with her, there was a brief period of telephone contact and during one of our conversations she remarked, “Dad has a dark side. It’s SO easy to use the power of suggestion on him.” OK. That is partly projection, but there’s also truth in that statement. It’s the case of an evil person recognizing a “dark side” in a weaker person and exploiting it for her own gain. So is it an accident that my dad handed over his life to his evil daughter, and boarded a slow boat to hell?  

In Anna V’s article Dancing With The Devil, she had this to say about adults who enter into relationships with evil:

“Peck (author of People of The Lie) asserts that adults do not accidentally end up in close relationships with evil people. He uses the term “willing thralldom.” (note the word “enthralled” is used to describe the victim’s reaction “grooming”).

Peck relates his experience with a very disturbed (and disturbing) couple -- Sarah and Hartley. In the context of this story he states:

"We do not become partners to evil by accident. As adults we are not forced by fate to become trapped by an evil power, we set the trap ourselves." pg. 118

Referring to Hartley:

"Theoretically he could have just walked away from Sarah. But he had bound himself to her by chains of laziness and dependency, and though titularly an adult, he had settled for the child's impotence. Whenever adults not at gunpoint become victims of evil it is because they have--one way or another--made Hartley's bargain." pg. 119-120

The bargain was to settle into a type of slavery because his moral laziness and dependency was a larger part of his character than not. 

"He entered into a submissive relationship with evil precisely because he was partially evil himself." (footnote pg. 118)

Anna states that adults who enter into relationships with evil have a part of them that is “comfortable” and “at home” with the evil. She goes on to say:

“It is not always possible for someone outside a relationship to know how the two parties are mutually benefiting from the relationship. Outwardly we may conclude we are seeing two opposites. We have to avoid this kind of simplistic acceptance of outward appearances when we observe a relationship between adults who have chosen to be together and who hang together tenaciously. One person may appear to be evil and the other "in thralldom" to the partner's evil. We must accept the reality they are both evil though likely not equally so.

No adult stays "in thralldom" to evil except by a choice of the will.

Don't make excuses for yourself or for others for staying in close relationship with evil people. Recognize the dynamic of symbiosis that is occurring. Unless an adult is physically being held hostage, that adult has a choice as to whether or not to stay in association with an evil character. Knowing this to be true, do not attempt to "rescue" someone who is dancing in lock-step with a narcissist. They must be avoided along with the narcissist because they are morally compromised. Whether due to laziness, psychological dependence, greed, shared power...adults stay in relationship with evil people because they choose to. They feel they have something to gain by the association. Acknowledge to yourself this reality and live accordingly.”

I believe my dad has been played, groomed, hustled and conned and used as a receptacle to contain and eject MN sister and MN mother's hatred of me. But I also believe he has chosen - despite his conscious awareness of all of their wrongdoing - to stay in collusion with the evil bitches and low-life thug monkey because it makes him feel powerful. Narcissists see kindness and compassion as weakness. So, who who do you think the narcissist is going to team up with at the end of their lives when they themselves are weak, frail and vulnerable? Remember; narcissism is about power and control and superiority and dominating and INTIMIDATING others. There's your answer. A sick, dying, immobile, vulnerable narcissist will choose to surround themselves with bullies, thugs, monkeys and parasitic minions every time. At the end of the narcissists's life, he is as morally degenerated as he will ever be, and as a result feels comfortable and "safe" around fellow moral degenerates. I would go as far to say, the anxiety and fear the narcissist has of impending death may in fact be quelled by surrounding himself with fellow abusers, exploiters, liars and the conscienceless. 

Narcissists don't want to be around "good" people when it comes time to meet their maker because that will make them feel "bad" by comparison; delusions and denial are just a temporary fix - a Band-Aid - to cover the reality of the narcissist's true self and they take a hell of a lot of energy to maintain. So when reality surfaces, what the narcissist needs more than ever is a strong hit of narcissistic supply. The amoral, parasitic lackeys are more than happy to provide it. In the end, the narcissist has only mutually parasitic relationships - they subsist on narc supply that is 100% fake while being picked clean by human vultures.   

I predict my Dad will continue to avoid me because I reflect back to him who he really is. Besides, I'm much more useful to him and his fellow abusers at a distance and as a defenseless scapegoat. I am without excuses for him and will not attempt to “rescue” him. He still has free will. He can pick up the phone and call me. The “choice” is his. Though I doubt I will ever hear from him because narcissists don't like to have their illusions shattered, especially at the end of their lives when they are running scared and working overtime to avoid reality and dodge the demon at the door.   

Dear Narcissists, 

You can't continue dancing with devil and wonder why you end up in hell.

Malignant Narcissists Are Just Bad People

The words "image," "appearance," and "outwardly" are crucial to understanding the morality of evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to BE good, they intensely desire to APPEAR good. Their "goodness" is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect a lie. This is why they are the"people of the lie."

M. Scott Peck

Narcissist Sympathizers II

By Kathy Krajco

I am often amazed at the cavalier attitude of some clinicians and bystanders toward malignant narcissism. They seem so concerned about how they SOUND that they have no concern left for what they're saying. Indeed, one wonders if these people ever hear themselves.

They are so busy trying to sound like nice people that they utter, utter nonsense. The cruelty of narcissistic abuse is lost on them. It strikes no chord of empathy in them. They hear about it and just mouth-breathe as if to say, "What's so bad about that?"

Obtuseness is invincible. They talk like it's a mere irritation or aggravation. They say we should make nothing of it and not be angry over it. For, the simpletons cannot think morally and therefore must have a list of dos and don'ts as a cheat sheet to distinguish right from wrong.

Fortunately, good therapists would never tell you to repress your feelings. They would tell you that there are times when you have an obligation to get angry, and that failing to is sometimes the morally reprehensible thing to do. Just as failing to fight is sometimes the morally reprehensible thing to do.

But they aren't saying that to SOUND good, so they aren't as loud as the phonies are.

You can read what you need to know about malignant narcissism in the comments here. Those by the children of narcissists.

They are anonymous, so they have no motive to lie, and the stuff they tell that their abusive parent did to them is too bizarre to be made up. It isn't the kind of thing anyone would make up. In fact, it's antithetical to the kind of thing a person would make up. You can see that. It rings true louder than the Liberty Bell.

Read these accounts of narcissistic abuse and weep. Read back through.

I really want people who think that narcissistic abuse is no big deal to do that. And those who think that narcissists are not bad people and will be fine if you just give them a hug, a musical instrument, and a puppy.

These narcissist sympathizers who say that their victims shouldn't abandon the poor narcissist, because that will make poor little him or her so saaaaaaad (to be without a host to parasitize) - people who say that need a lesson that will teach them where to place their misplaced sympathy. Let them be told they are dirt every day in every way by someone close to them for 20 or 30 years. Let them have their reputation, career, and marriage utterly brought to ruin by character assassination. THEN let's see if they still think it's nothing.

Then let's see how well THEY are handling the life they've been dealt.

Thinking it's funny to force your child to do something you warn him in advance you will beat him for? Have you ever heard of anything more perverted and sadistic than that?

I have it from a narcissist herself that mental cruelty is her game.

Rushing your husband's funeral so that one of his children misses it? After you DROVE him to suicide? People who hear that without it twisting their guts have an empathy problem themselves.

This must be why they are so callous - they just don’t see what’s so bad about narcissists.

How Narcissist Sympathizers Help Us Heal
(Image courtesy Q1605) 

And then the narcissist immediately shacks up with somebody else to give the knife in his or her kids a twist. That one not only appears in the comments here, I know of that happening once myself. In fact every narcissist I have known who lost a mate immediately (as quickly as fleas abandon a dead rat in search of a new host) hopped into bed with somebody else.

That should be a clue about something to clueless narcissist sympathizers. A clue about what other people are to a narcissist.

Driving people to drink? Driving people to suicide? No big deal? I'll wager that many, if not most, people driven to suicide are driven by a malignant narcissist. That's absolute power over someone = the power to make them kill themselves. I know of three narcissists who did this and fortunately succeeded only in driving to drink, and a third who I think did it and did succeed in driving a teenager to suicide.

Not murder? Not WORSE than murder?

Narcissists do this as lightly as you step on a bug. That's what human beings are to them.

And in treating human beings as subhuman beings, they are treating them inhumanly and failing to recognize humanity. Which means they don’t know humanity when they see it? If they were human themselves they would recognize and respect the image and likeness of humanity in human beings.

That's what becoming God has done to them. It was a big fall.

If the abundant evidence about psychopaths is any indication, some narcissists come from happy homes. As for those who don't, hey, if they got even with the parent who abused them, that would be natural. But they deify the abusive parent (as soon as they are out of his or her clutches) and take it out on the nicest, lovingest, most vulnerable and defenseless prey they can find.

Come on, everybody knows what that means. They are BAD people. I don't care if it's against your political religion's doctrine to admit that. It's true.

Narcissists are known for making the most mild mannered, gentle, patient, kind, and unassuming people livid with anger. They are known for making people who never hate, hate them with a passion.

Jeez, do you suppose there could be a reason for this?

This is just common sense. Let the phonies (on the Web and in the clinics and the courts) find some new issue to sound holy on and quit making a farce out of this one. Let them find fault to condemn where it is, instead of where it ain't.

PURCHASE A COPY OF HOUSE OF MIRRORS EBOOK AND PAPERBACK HERE!

Malignant Narcissists Are Homicidal

Haven’t you heard? Malignant Narcissists are superior beings, and as superiors beings they don’t follow any rules; they write their own and the inevitable result is corruption.

The Unbearable Burden of Soul Murder - 1

“What happened to you all?” asked Coraline. “How did you come here?”

“She left us here,” said one of the voices. “She stole our hearts, and she stole our souls, and she took our lives away, and she left us here, and forgot about us in the dark.”

“Flee!” said the very first of the voices – another girl.

“Flee, while there’s still air in your lungs and blood in your veins and warmth in your heart. Flee while you still have your mind and your soul.”

“She kept us, and she fed on us, until now we’ve nothing left of ourselves, only snakeskins and spider husks.”

“She will take your life and all you are and all you care’st for, and she will leave you with nothing but mist and fog. She’ll take your joy. And one day you’ll awake and your heart and soul will have gone. A husk you’ll be, a wisp you’ll be, and a thing no more than a dream on waking, or a memory of something forgotten.”

“Hollow,” whispered the third voice. “Hollow, hollow, hollow, hollow.”

“You must flee,” sighed a voice faintly.

It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold. In the other mother’s button eyes, Coraline knew she was a possession, nothing more. A tolerated pet, whose behaviour was no longer amusing.

“She hates you,” blurted out the boy. “She hasn’t lost anything for so long.”

“Be wise. Be brave. Be tricky.”

From the novel “Coraline” by Neil Gaiman

In fairy tales and children’s books the sinister, soul-murdering mother is never represented as the abused child’s biological mother. That would be considered taboo, and much too frightening for children. Instead, she is portrayed as a step-mother, an aunt, or, in the case of Coraline, an evil replica of her real mother known as “The Other Mother” who exists in the twisted unreality of a warped “other” dimension.

Unfortunately for us ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists) our evil mothers, and or fathers were all too real. Blood real. Malignant Narcissist Personality Disorder Real! And we grew-up imprisoned in their twisted realm without a chance to flee.  Indeed, it was like living in a warped “other” dimension. A dimension akin to a perverse and dangerous underworld where deviant behavior is the norm, the wicked preys and feeds on the good, and hate, lies and delusions reign supreme.

To the narcissist parent(s) nothing exists outside him or herself. They inhabit their own imaginary world where those near and dear are nothing but extensions, internal, assimilated objects – not external ones. We only exist as “parts” in the narcissists' demented mind. Welcome to bizarro world: a cruel and unusual place where living, breathing souls are dehumanized and objectified to a mere thought, a role, a function of the narcissists' stranger than fiction Universe.  A hellish Universe where normal human feelings are illegal, independent thought is considered a crime, and love is replaced by pathological control.

Don’t feel.  Don’t think.  Don’t talk.  DON’T BE!  YOU don’t exist outside of ME! Obedience and silence is LAW! “It’s MY universe!” Screams the narcissist, “You function only for ME!”  You better put-up and shut-up and prop-up if you want to survive the corrupt rule of “The Others”:  the sick and twisted, needy, greedy, infantile and EVIL MALIGNANT NARCISSISTS.

Anonymous said:

I grew up in hell.

That’s the best description I can give you. My mother severely neglected and abused me.

In between all of this, she managed to parentify me – I ended up the equivalent of a 30 year old social worker in the body of a 10 year old. It was my job to worry about solving her problems and I’d better come up with all the right answers. There were months where she couldn’t pay her bills, so she needed my advice (at age 6, 7, 8) to work it out so that we wouldn’t be on the streets.

I think I had an anxiety disorder by the time I was 9.

Around that time, my mother found a young guy to marry, who quickly became my molester. I reported him to the school counsellor and she in turn reported it to social services. My step father was quickly jailed and I was returned to home.

I walked into the house to find my mother crying. “Why did you have to go to the school counsellor? Why didn’t you tell me?!” was the first thing out of her mouth. I guess I didn’t have a good enough answer because she kept crying. I remember being so upset that I started to cry. She screamed, “What the fuck are YOU crying for?! YOU are the cause of this! YOU put him in jail!”

The anguish was too much to bear. I just wanted to sink into the floor.

Personality disordered mother approached me a few days later on being really nice. She said, “You screwed-up, but you can fix this.” Willing to all but gnaw my right leg off to get out of this, I eagerly listened. She told me to go back to everyone (social workers, prosecuting attorney etc.) and tell them that I made this all up, so I did. In the meantime, she told my other family members that I was a liar, so she was covered on that front too. My step father came home from jail and treated me like garbage… until he begun sexually harassing and sexually abusing me again later. The difference this time was that I knew better than to tell, so I sucked it up and dealt with it. 

By the time I was a teen, I was suicidal.

Determined to end my misery, I said my good-byes to my brother.

He told our mother who decided to “treat” this herself.  She appeared in my doorway as red as a beet with a large leather belt in her hand. I don’t have the vocabulary to even describe the beating that I received that day.  All I can say is that she beat me until I couldn’t catch my breath and started vomiting.  She left me a crumpled heap of garbage, laying on the floor in my own vomit.  All I could do is crawl to my bed, where I curled up in a ball and cried until I feel asleep.  I was covered in bruises and welts so I had to miss school, but what sticks out in my mind about my extra time at home with her is that the next day she managed to make a joke about the incident.

She said something like, “Bet you won’t do that again” and burst out in laughter.   

What kind of a monster would treat another human being with such brutality, let alone her own daughter?! Someone who is so inhuman that they are incapable of relating to another’s humanity; someone who is so warped in the membrane that they internalize significant others to mere functions of their henious selves;  someone whose perverse self-serving control is crookedly disguised as love.  A malignant narcissist. That’s who.

Clearly Anon’s mother is violent and dangerous and bat-shit-crazy.  But she’s not “mental illness” crazy.  She doesn’t deserve that kind of credit.  She is of her own mind: a mind so debauched and out of control that she has no internal breaks on her sadistic behaviour.  Anon’s mother is evil. Period.  She is unfit for human interaction, and should not be allowed around vulnerable children never mind being placed in the power position of “mother.”

The true story of Anonymous is tragic and heart-breaking, and sadly all too common. I can’t relate to all the details of Anon’s horrific experience, but I can surely relate to having an insanely evil mother, and the systematic destruction of narcissistic abuse.  My MN mother was covertly sadistic, and whether it’s outrageously cruel overt abuse or sly and skillful covert abuse, the drive behind it is malice, and the intended result is the same:  total annihilation of the child.  Class, gender or race does not play a roll.  I explored this in the blog post (HERE).

If we break-down Anonymous’ story to its simplest form, we can see the process of Soul Murder, be it explicitly malicious and violent, or stealth and subtle and psychological.

Here’s what life is like for the abused and scapegoated child growing-up under the malignant narcissists' conspiracy of evil.

·         I grew-up in hell.

·         My mother severely neglected and abused me.

·         I think I had an anxiety disorder by the time I was 9.

·         The anguish was too much to bear. I just wanted to sink into the floor.

·         By the time I was a teen, I was suicidal.

·         Mother’s response to my agony was to inflict MORE pain and burst-out in laughter.

I too grew-up in hell. My mother severely neglected and abused me. I think I had an anxiety disorder by the time I was 9.  She beat-down my confidence, sense of self, and enthusiasm for life. She covertly tried to drive me to suicide and told me that I wasn’t meant to live.

The shame was too much to bear and I withdrew from the world around me.  At one point in my teens I was too nervous to speak and my body trembled uncontrollably.  MN mother responded to my symptoms of her abuse with delight.  When I was visibly insecure she would get an evil glint in her reptilian eyes and say to me in a happy sing song voice, “You have low self-worth.” Then she would walk-off humming, but not before she got a good look at me to make sure that I was deflated.  When she was feeling more aggressive she would scream at me, “Your life is a mess!”  If her slyly timed put-downs degraded me enough to make me stutter, she would crack a smug grin. 

These are stories of SOUL MURDER. This is about won ton human destruction. This is about malice without motive. This is about unmitigated hatred that has no basis in reality.  The malignant narcissists’ evil is a result of their sick and twisted mind.  It is a by-product of the darkness that lies within them.  It has nothing to do with external circumstances. Malignant narcissists are so diseased, so depraved and so disturbed that although their goal is total annihilation, they become even more punishing when their victim dares to succumb to their torture.  This is about EVIL finding so much pleasure is another’s suffering, that they drive their victim to suicide and then prevent the suicide by inflicting more pain.  This is about CONTROL.  This is about OWNERSHIP of another living, breathing human being.  Sure, the malignant narcissist wants to drive you to suicide, but they’re loath to relinquish any power so that it’s your decision alone. No. The malignant narcissist decides how and when you will die.  And, they much prefer to kill you slowly and surely of their OWN measure.     

Malignant narcissists are despicable parasites and they don’t want to lose their hosts. This might explain why they get more insanely evil when they notice their victim is checking-out.  They NEED to keep you around to feed on until there is nothing left of you but a husk and you are hollow, hollow, hollow!  Dead hearts, dead souls, and dead minds are much easier to control and fill with their fraudulent selves. And remember, the MN has internalized you to mere elements in his or her demented imagination so being unable to control and manipulate YOU literally means the narcissist is losing his or her mind.  This might be why they go berserk when their victim flees.  They are not only losing their grip on their host, they are losing their grip on their false self.

What if an adult child doesn’t flee from the evil clutches of a malignant narcissist parent? What then? MN mother has been out of my life longer than she has been in it, so I can’t factually write of the experience.  Though, I’ve often wondered what would have become of me if she and evil MN sister had remained in my life.  What I know for certain is that I would still be living in a fog of their projection, lies and delusions. I know for sure that they would still be ganging-up on me and messing with my mind.  I have no doubt that they would still be trying to undermine my confidence and toy with me every chance they got.  The systematic destruction would continue and the abuse would escalate with each passing year. It’s who they are. It’s what they do. They never change. They’re malignant narcissists.

Why would I ever have warm and fuzzy feelings for someone who proved over and over and over again that they are motivated by hatred and their intention is to cause me harm?  Because that creature is my mother? Get real. The fact that I’m her daughter is precisely the reason why she should be held to a HIGHER standard of human decency toward me, NOT a lower one.  This is not rocket science. This is bare bones common sense. Why would I knowingly and willingly allow someone seething with contempt for me to remain in my life?  Why would I even accept a telephone call from such a sick and destructive predator?      

I was able to flee from the malignant narcissists' treachery, and I flushed their poison out of my system. But, had I remained in MN mother and MN sister’s evil presence, not only would I still be contaminated, their venom would be compounded by 20 plus years, and I’d be oblivious to new toxins.  There’s no question that my mind, heart, body, and soul would be quite sick and that I would be more vulnerable than ever…  I shudder to think.

The only way to gain clarity and understanding of just how twisted these freaks are is to get the hell away from them.  You cannot protect yourself from the malignant narcissists’ vile nature while they are still contaminating you. MNs are diseased souls and if you remain too long in their presence your soul will become badly infected or die altogether.  In other words, your sense of self, your identity will barely cling to life or cease to exist.     

Even though Anon’s malignant narcissist mother viciously abused, exploited and sacrificed her to another known abuser, and even though she was a threat to her mental, emotional and physical safety, Anon wasn’t able to flush the toxic witch out of her system, and thus never knew a life without the devastating influence of a malignant narcissist.  Anonymous’ story is to be continued.  And it’s one of caution to those allowing a malignant narcissist parent to remain not only in their life, but in the lives of their children and loved ones.

“She will take your life and all you are and all you care’st for, and she will leave you with nothing but mist and fog. She’ll take your joy. And one day you’ll awake and your heart and soul will have gone. A husk you’ll be, a wisp you’ll be, and a thing no more than a dream on waking, or a memory of something forgotten.

“Flee, while there’s still air in your lungs and blood in your veins and warmth in your heart. Flee while you still have your mind and your soul.”