Narcissist Family Members Always Deny Truth

Narcissistic Family Members Always Deny Truth

By Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

If you are a member of a narcissistic family–whether you are the child of a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father or both, or the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling or are married to a narcissist, always remember that you hold the truth. Narcissists live in a state of grandiose delusion of their making. More powerful and influential narcissists in the family put pressure on those who are more dependent personalities to convince them to go along to get along with them.

I have had contact with many victims of narcissistic family abuse who have spent years at the mercy of their narcissistic families, including their spouses. For years and even decades those individuals in these pathological families who are free of delusion and know and speak the truth are ostracized and become the target of disdain, humiliation and shunning. Often their family members let everyone know that they have a very sick and confused person in their midst. They spread rumors about you when you are the only one who knows the truth about yourself and them and their multitude of secrets and treacheries. In other cases the narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and make you invisible and non-existent in their minds and through their actions.

Narcissists turn reality upside down and sideways and spin it in continuous circles of lies, deceptions, cruelties and betrayals. What they hate the most is the truth because deep in their unconscious they are psychologically empty, filled with rage and self-hatred. They are incapable of self-understanding or introspection or empathy. Their identity is a charade, a false self that developed when they were very young and will never change.

Remarkably, there are individuals who persevere, research, work through their personal insights, develop practices that lead them to deeper awareness who come from these highly toxic families and marriages. They gain greater strength and thrive as they extricate themselves from their pathological relationships. It is a different path that they take and a difficult one. So often they feel completely alone. No one understands them or will listen. But they don’t give up. They pursue the pathway less traveled that leads to an ever evolving consciousness, increased creativity, a deep wish to share their truth with others who are receptive. 

I have deep respect and a special place inside for those who have won this battle for the truth. They are heroic extraordinary individuals. You are not alone. There are so many others who share your life experiences. Be receptive to finding these individuals. I have found that as the society becomes more narcissistic and even sociopathic, there are people whom you will meet that have a high consciousness that always seeks the truth, that welcomes it in you and with whom you can communicate deeply. 

Trust your intuition to know who these individuals are. Their numbers are growing. You will find them. Work with the loving parts of yourself and appreciate who you are every day, each moment. You are precious and no one like you will ever come into existence again. You are a singular human being. Celebrate this; use every part of yourself. You have resources deep inside that are waiting to be tapped, creativity that is spun gold and a heart that is both receptive and strong.

Source: The Narcissist in Your Life

Malignant Narcissists Are Batshit Crazy!

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Narcissist Mother's Mantra: "You Have No Right To Live!"

I never once entertained fantasies of having a loving, caring mother. How could I? I didn’t have time for fantasies. All of my energy was devoted to survival. 

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The Narcissist's Crazy Projections

Most narcissists are morons. Living in the land of delusion, lacking the ability to introspect, and going through life with their heads stuck dangerously far up their asses makes them incredibly clueless. So, it’s no surprise when they blurt out the most blatantly obvious projections.

Being surrounded by a countless array of oblivious narcissists has put me at the receiving end of some really obnoxious projections. I thought I would share some of them:

The Diabetic Cookie Monster N: This N lives alone; his kitchen is always stocked with cakes, cookies, pecan tarts, doughnuts, cinnamon rolls, and sweet, syrupy port wines. He shoots insulin just so he can continue eating sugar.  There is a brand new box of cookies on the counter and I take one. A few days later, I open the box and it’s empty. I shake the box and look inside and the N says to me; “You sure do love your sweets.”

The Financial Failure N: This N has no steady work, lousy credit, a ton of debt, and a very personal relationship with the Mob - a.k.a Visa. I’ve got a decent job, was just approved for a mortgage and am shopping for a condo. I’m driving with the N in my car. A driver in a BMW is tailgating me. I remark that I don’t like BMW drivers because they are arrogant; they always speed; run reds and go a thousand miles an hour through school zones. The N says to me; “You’re jealous of wealth.”

The Chubby N: This N is actually on the obese side. His addiction is food. He loves to eat. We order our meals at a restaurant, and before the food arrives he asks for another plate of garlic bread - just in case. The Chubby N manages to inhale a huge dinner, including the extra plate of garlic bread. We go to a park to walk off the meal. The N is feeling the effects of his excessive gorging.  He rubs his protruding belly and looks over at me and says; "You look bloated."   

The Sleepwalker N: This N has sleepwalked through her entire life. As long as I have known her – 20 years – she has the done the same thing day in and day out. She’s lived in the same apartment for over 30 years and has not once rearranged her furniture. Her family offered to buy her a condo but she couldn’t exert the energy needed to move and didn’t want to endure the “stress” of moving. She is often referred to as a “dead-beat” because she is so lifeless and bland. She speaks in a monotone voice. She is never really happy or angry, or sad, but she is an infernal whiner.

Her primary relationship is with her narcissist mother. She is clueless, dense and completely out of it. She is NOT present at all. For example; one time she was over at my place and we were getting ready to leave, and I couldn’t find my keys. I always put them in the same spot on the counter, so I was baffled. I searched everywhere. For about 20 minutes, I racked my brain and turned my place upside down. The dozy headed N just stood there, in the same spot, lost in her own world. I noticed that she was clutching something and I asked, “What’s in your hand?” Sure enough, the whole time I was looking for my keys, she was holding them. Her keys were in her purse but I guess she thought she was in her own apartment so when I said, “let’s go” she grabbed the only set of keys in sight.

I move into a new apartment and it’s an adjustment. I tell The Sleepwalker N that going from the top - 12th floor - of a building to living on the the second floor is really different; they are so many new sounds to get used to. The Sleepwalker N says in a condescending tone; "Aw, you're such a delicate flower." 

I tell the Sleepwalker N that I went out on a date with a guy who talked about himself the entire time. I tell the Sleepwalker N that I was polite, asked questions, and stayed interested in what he had to say. Then I told the N that when I tried telling my date some things about myself, he looked at the ceiling or right past me, or at his watch and he actually yawned. The Sleepwalker N Dead-Beat says smugly; “Well, maybe when you’re "excited" about your life, someone else will be.”
This was also projection in the sense that like all narcissists, she had absolutely no interest in my life. It's so refreshing to break the narc food chain and have relationships with people that actually give a shit about you and show an interest in your life!

The Socially Bizarre N: This N is on the wrong side of 40 and has never worked a day in her life. Other than a few narcissistic fantasy projects, she has never held a job – she’s too entitled to work. Besides; she’s a pathological control freak, who must always be in charge, and doesn’t have the social skills to work well with others. She’s also a compulsive hoarder and has not let anyone into her home for over a decade. She’s also a hermit who doesn’t leave her home, unless of course, it’s to see a doctor for one of her imaginary illnesses. She’s also a hypochondriac. She has one friend – another N – who is kept safely at a distance. She has a flying monkey and a MN Mother (yep it’s MN Sister). If people are kind enough to lend her things, or even drop of Christmas dinners, they are to be left at the gate of her building by the street.  The Socially Bizarre N is always pathologizing people and speculating on who is “low-functioning.”

I'm working at a very busy job that involves a lot of socializing at industry parties. During one telephone conversation, I tell the N that I think an actress on a TV show is really good at the character she plays. The Socially Bizarre N says in a condescending tone; “Oh, that character reminds me of you. YOU just don’t fit in anywhere.”

The Demonic N:  My entire childhood, this MN screams at me: “Who the hell do you think you are!?”  “I’m going to annihilate you!!” “I’m going to annihilate you!!” “I’m going to wring your bloody neck!”

She also screams:  “Your brother is afraid of you!!” “You’ve got the devil in you!!”

Those examples are just a drop-in-the-bucket of N projections that I have experienced over the years. On a positive note, the only remaining N in my life is The Cookie Monster.

Narcissists Are Always in Attack Mode

I ask you, when are narcissists NOT on the offensive? My experience is that narcissists are ALWAYS engaged in an invisible war of control and that means narcissists are ALWAYS on the look-out for an opportunity to mess with you.

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Never Show "Vulnerability" to a Narcissist

Never show signs of weakness around a narcissist because when you’re down that’s precisely when they’re going to kick. This is true for all narcissists, from your garden variety straight on up to the malignant.  All narcissists salivate at the sign of a vulnerable target - be it mental, emotional or physical vulnerability.

Narcissists are spineless bullies. They are insecure, jealous, inadequate, attention seeking little brats trapped in the body of an adult.  Have you ever referred to a narcissist as a strong person? I doubt it. Narcissists are immature weaklings and cowards. Their personality disorder makes them so. When they see an easy opportunity to strike they can’t help themselves. 

They are nasty little children and they don’t fight fair.  

Malignant narcissists are predators by nature and predators devour the bleeding and the injured. They can't help themselves; it’s their animal instinct. They respond to your vulnerability like a rabid junkyard dog to a meaty bone: they’ve gotta chomp on it.

So I ask you, are you going to show insecurity around a sadistic little brat who’s always looking for ways to vaunt themselves at your expense? Are you going to show signs of weakness around a vicious predator whose very nature is to attack vulnerable prey? Narcissists are unsafe, period. But they are especially dangerous when you are in a weakened state. Sharks sniff out blood.

All narcissists identify with other abusers, so if you have been harmed by another person – most likely another narcissist - do not tell them. The narcissist will not only pathologize you but defend their fellow narcissist. Feel better now? The narcissist does. You see, narcissists are always scrounging around for validation of their abusiveness. If you offer up proof of another harmful person – in the narcissist's eyes – you have justified their own cruel behaviour. Birds of a feather and all that.

In the most sinister way; the vile narcissist will attribute virtues to your abuser while giving you a good kick. For example, you are in utter distress because a co-worker has been bullying, undermining, and sabotaging you for over a year. He's trying to get you fired; he wants your job.  You are at wits end, losing sleep, nervous, stressed out and ready to quit your job because of the situation. The narcissist - let's call her Sherry - will simply be delighted to hear of your dilemma, and react to your predicament by saying, “Oh, come on. He’s not a bad person. He’s just a hard worker and his job is important to him. Maybe he’s been taking notes on you. You’re just not taking very good care of yourself.”

See what the narcissist did? Sherry just defended her fellow narcissist saying that he’s a good guy, a hard worker, cares about his job and obviously has dirt on you. The narcissist just told you that you are bad, lazy, you don’t care about your job, and that you’re obviously doing something that warrants note taking and the narcissist’s abuse. Furthermore, the narcissist assigned the cause of your distress to you for not taking care of yourself. It’s your fault. Get it? You were asking for it. That’s why the co-worker narcissist abused you, and that’s why Sherry is justified in abusing you. The vile narcissist feels better now.  

Here's another example of the narcissist's callousness. You've been in a serious accident in which you suffered a massive cut to your face. The injury was so bad that it required plastic surgery. You are still in a state of shock from the accident; you are beaten-up, stitched-up, battered and bruised. You are distressed at the state of your face; you are weakened and run down from surgery. Laid up in bed, you make the mistake of sending a fact based email notifying a narcissist of your accident. Let's call the vile narcissist Myra. Myra responds with a one line email that says, "Keep it in perspective." She adds a link to a YouTube video of a guy with no arms and no legs. Feel better now? The vile narcissist Myra does.

Let's take a look at what both of the narcissists did. They placed themselves above you as your judge: "Keep it in perspective." "You're not taking care of yourself." This condescending superiority aggrandizes the narcissist. They denied you any attention and let you know that you don't matter. They blamed you, the victim, and attributed virtues to your abuser. They dismissed and minimized your experience. Let you know that you had no right to even bring up your accident, let alone feel anything because someone out in YouTube land has no arms and legs (as if they care). They justified their outrageous callousness and derived pleasure from you pain.

And get this: Sherry calls you up bawling her eyes out because her date stood her up, and she expects you to comfort her. Myra - a 65 year old woman - calls you up bawling her eyes out because her sister doesn't have time to frame her paintings for her show, and she expects your sympathy.

Ugh! You get it: they're narcissists. They are big babies and parasitic bottom feeders who are always scrounging the surface of every interaction looking for ways to feed. Their entire existence is based on deep rooted selfishness. 

Here’s one final example of a narcissist taking advantage of your vulnerability. You've had a bad fall in which you suffered a massive cut to your face. You are still recovering and you are coming to terms with the fact that your face is going to be permanently scarred. The narcissist knows that you are self-conscious about the scar on your face and how it is healing.

You visit the narcissist and notice that he needs a few things around the house. Although you are the one in need of care, you go out and purchase a bunch of helpful and thoughtful items for the narcissist. You package everything up really nice and with a smile present the big bag of goodies to the narcissist. The narcissist takes the gift bag and with a big smirk on his face and an evil glint in his eye, he snarks, “that thing on your face is really red.”  You can’t hide the fact that he hurt your feelings. The narcissist looks like he is high on drugs.

When you are in a weakened state that’s when the narcissist's fangs come out. Vulnerability makes you the perfect target to abuse, control and manipulate. Never let a narcissist know that someone has done you wrong; never let them sniff out an insecurity; never let them see you sweat. What elicits warmth and compassion in normal people, provokes an act of shocking inhumanity in a narcissist. They will attack when you can't defend yourself and deny you whatever you are in need of: be it serious medical attention, a roof over your head or an ounce of sympathy.

Don’t ignore the twisted aggression inherent in all narcissists. Don’t engage in fantasy and magical thinking. Don't try to penetrate their callousness. When we refuse the truth of what the narcissist really is, we leave the door wide open to abuse.

Whatever is ruling your emotions at the time will be used against you by the narcissist. Don’t involve them in the sensitive areas of your life, don’t let them into your head space, keep them away from your wounds. Protect yourself. If you must be in contact with a narcissist, play your cards very close to your vest. Don't display any signs of neediness. They are the enemy of goodwill and the last people you want around during a time of crisis.

Narcissists are terrorists who invade mental and emotional borders. They are constantly engaged in an invisible war of control.  It's ALWAYS about their boundaries, their terms, their agenda, and their conveniences while you lie dying by the side of the road.