The survivors of narcissistic abuse are not just strong people. They are strong-minded people.
I truly believe those who succumb to self-destructive acts or suicide have had a malignant narcissist burrow way too deep into their head, and this has led to their demise. I am not blaming the victim in any way; I’m just conveying the severity of the narcissist’s mental torture. The narcissist is on a psychological killing spree designed to murder life: to leave their victim hollow and under their deadly control. What they do to us psychologically is equivalent to someone repeatedly smashing us over the head with a baseball bat. Not everyone survives this type of violence.
Our mind is our most scared possession. And it’s much too valuable to hand over to someone who wants to trash it – a narcissist. The gates to our mental garden should never be left open to anyone. My gate was kicked open at a young age, and the narcissists eagerly invaded and trampled my garden. It took years of undoing their destruction to rebuild it and nurture it back to health. I’m still tending to my mental garden and always will be. The narcissist’s taught me a valuable lesson: don’t let anyone into your head.
Our innermost boundary of privacy is our mind. We live there and it’s private property. KEEP OUT! Whoever wants in, wants to make a mess of it. So, BEWARE.
You have the right to control what passes in and out of your mind. You own it. Your mind is yours alone so take damn good care of it. It’s up to you to keep an orderly mind because you are the one who incurs the consequences of what lives there. You have a right to privacy. You have a right to think and believe what YOU want.
The narcissist is always trying to weasel their way into your head because once they’ve snuck-in they can control you. They gaslight routinely. They plant destructive messages and evil seeds of doubt. They belittle, criticize, embarrass and flatter. A confused, off-balance and insecure victim is easier to manipulate.
Don’t let the narcissist snack on you mentally. If you give them a taste, they will devour you whole. Malignant narcissists are mental predators who carefully study their prey. They are always watching and listening to you. They badger, bait and trap you. Don’t let out information they can use to exploit you. Don’t let in information they can use to control and manipulate you. Hone that mental filter because the narcissist NEVER means well. And you can count on this: once you let them into your head, they will never leave. They’re like mental tapeworms.
All malignant narcissists are inveterate snoops, busybodies, gossips and liars. They are constantly on an expedition to pry information out of you. The information is always used to manipulate you; embarrass you; frame-you; damage your reputation; control you; blackmail you and come between you and the people and things you love. Zip those lips up tight. Play your mental cards very close to your vest and protect your borders.
The narcissist isn’t about to give away all their personal information. On the contrary, the narcissist is guarded and their boundaries are very strong. The narcissist understands damn well that information in the wrong hands is a dangerous thing. But they feel entitled to know everything about you because they are greedy. Don’t ever let them guilt-trip you into giving-up something they never would.
Malignant narcissists are pathological gossips. The essence of gossip is to dirty-up people. The narcissist wants to dirty-up everyone. Making others look bad makes them look good. They also make themselves look good by placing themselves ABOVE others as their JUDGE, and dumping their toxic projections onto others. Never believe anything that comes out of the narcissist’s mouth. Their only form of communication is judgement, criticism, gossip, lies, slander, projection and subtle manipulation. Never trust them with one iota of information on you (Read: VERY VERY SNEAKY). NEVER let down your gaurd at the N's transparent attempts at magnamity. It's all a ploy to draw you closer so you'll be easier to attack and easier to pin as the fall guy for their scum of the earth dirty work.
Healthy, safe people are always direct in their interactions with you. Narcissists are NEVER direct. EVER. Controlling someone mentally means sneaking in and out of their headspace without getting caught. Malignant narcissists are slippery creatures. They slither into your mind hoping to dig-up dirt, and then slither out of your mind intending to spread the dirt. I would describe malignant narcissists as “slimy” mental perverts and voyeurs.
I’ve conjured up a couple of scenarios to illustrate my point.
Here’s an example, maybe something hurtful and humiliating has happened to you. Maybe you found out your boyfriend is cheating on you. You would never tell the narcissist about this, but through the narcissist’s predatory parasitic ways, she has gleaned this information on you, and you KNOW IT. The resulting conversation with the narcissist might sound something like this. The narcissist will say, “It’s so sad when someone is cheated on and they don’t even know it. God, can you imagine how embarrassing that would be?” I feel so sorry for people who are betrayed. What would you do, if it happened to you?” And the narcissist snake slithers in and out and around your headspace. The narcissist gaslights, humiliates and pokes at you in an effort to break you down so that you will confide in her. She salivates at the thought of obtaining more information to use against you.
Here’s another example; you’ve bought a brand new car and you just love it. You don’t tell the narcissist about this because any information the narcissist has on you just invites the narcissist inquisition. They need to know EVERYTHING. How can you afford that new car? Did you get a raise? Why did you buy that car? What deranged, abusive meaning can the narcissist ascribe to you purchasing a new car? Knowledge is power for the devious malignant narcissist.
Again, through their treachery, the narcissist has discovered that you bought a brand new car. They know the exact model. Instead of saying – like a normal person – “Hey, I heard you just bought a new SAAB.” The narcissist will say, “You know I’m thinking about buying a new car. What do you think of the new SAABS? I don’t think I could afford one. What do you think the down payment and lease would be?”
Do you see how slippery and slimy and deceitful narcissists are? They are the antithesis of up-front and honest. The narcissist is forever hiding. They are nefarious frauds, twirling their thin moustache, and peeking out behind their swirling black cape of lies. Exploiting people in this way reveals the contempt in which narcissists hold others. There is absolutely no reason for the narcissist to be shady and secretive, except to give themselves a narcissistic boost. They enjoy toying with people even if nothing significant depends on it because it makes them feel powerful. They lie and trick to amuse themselves. Successful head-games prove their superiority and the stupidity of others. It’s the way the narcissist operates in the world. It’s how they think they obtain power.
So you call the narcissist’s bluff on the SAAB bull-shit. Remember, you know that she knows you bought a new car. You say to her, “Why do you keep talking about SAABS? Why the sudden interest in SAABS? ” The narcissist explodes in a narcissistic rage. “Why the hell can’t I talk about cars?! What’s it to you?! What’s your problem?! It takes two to have a conversation!”
“It takes two to have a conversation.” Gag. This is a common line the narcissist uses when they’re playing head games during a “conversation” and you make notice of their deception. Yeah right. A “conversation” is nothing but a game for them. In fact, every interaction with a narcissist is nothing but a game. And it takes two to play the game: a narcissist and an unsuspecting victim, an object – their chess piece. And we are the ones with a problem when we call them on their duplicity.
When I was younger, after hanging out with an Nfriend(s), I would sometimes wake-up a few days after the encounter pissed-off. Usually the N deposited a toxic message into my head, but the assualt was engineered so subtly that it just escaped me at the time. It would usually take a few days, after the fact, to decode their destructive message because they always employed sneaky methods to confuse and disarm me at the time of assault. And, if and when I called them on it, in true N fashion they would deny, dismiss and evade, or say the standard, “You’re too sensitive.”
If you listen real carefully to what the narcissist says, you will find that their thinking patterns are entirely circular. They go round, and round trying to spin your brain into a state of confusion. They hope to make you so dizzy and disoriented that you will give into their demands, whatever they may be.
Narcissists drop shit in your head, they stir up trouble and they take the valuable stuff out. The harder it is for them to get in, and move stuff around, and move stuff out the better. Pay very close attention to your mental and emotional state when you are interacting with a narcissist. Your anger, irritation, confusion, or frustration is like a burglar alarm going-off and it should never be ignored. It alerts you to the fact that you have an intruder present. The narcissist needs to know at the point of entry that they have been discovered so they will stop doing their dirty work.
I remember having one of these annoying, anti-logical, circular conversations with MN sister. I politely tried over and over again to get off the phone with her. She was attempting, in a covert way, to break me down so I would offer to run an errand for her majesty. She was unrelenting in her efforts to get her way and I knew exactly what she was up to. I was not going to give into her scheme. She was incensed that she was unable to manipulate me, and said, “You know. You sound irritated. Maybe you should take something for your moods. You might have a mood disorder.” Ha! The narcissist would never consider themselves irritating. No, never. They’re perfect. And once again, our natural reaction to their skeezy personality means that we have a problem. It’s the gaslighting portion of their mental terrorism.
As an ACoN (Adult Child of Narcissists) I’m done with intruders violating my headspace. It took me decades to exorcise the destructive messages that the narcissists dumped into my mind. I think that’s why I am so adamantly opposed to analytic therapy for victims of narcissistic abuse. I came across two malignant narcissists in my search for answers and they tried to trash my mind. Just like all the other narcissists, they were warped weirdos, gaslighters and projection machines who were terrified of creative thinkers. What the hell gives them the right to enter my headspace?! The “Dr.” before their names?! Fuck that! A predator is a predator. A con job is a con job. The so-called mental health profession is a PROFIT making enterprise and don’t ever forget it. The bad ones are no better than the shady auto-mechanic who you take your car into, to fix a certain problem. The mechanic lifts the hood and tinkers around and creates another problem. You drive off with the original problem fixed, and then you have to bring the car back in to get the problem that they caused fixed. And it happens again and again. The shady auto-mechanic earns a living causing endless problems in your car.
The mental health industry is a business that thrives on vulnerable people, and it’s filled with mental manipulators and mental rapists - narcissists. You have the right not to answer questions. You have the right to say, “That’s private.” You have the right to ask, “What gives you the right to ask me that?” The thing that I find so suspicious and dangerous about therapy is that this complete stranger has all this information on you, and you know nothing about them. It's not unlike what the narcissist does to you. Talk about an imbalance of power. It is only upstanding, healthy, safe people who will not abuse that power and they are more difficult to find than a trustworthy auto mechanic.
The best advice I ever got was at the age of 21 from a psychic of all people. He read my tarot cards and looked-up and me and said, “Stay away from your family. They’re not lucky for you. They’re crazy just not confined. Your mother is PSYCHO. She wants to get inside your head. She’s very destructive. A brown haired girl, your sister, is extremely jealous of you.”
How’s that for cutting to the chase? How’s that for practical advice? Sure beats the mounds of crap I let into my head from lousy books, support groups, therapist, and doctors. It wasn’t until I discovered malignant narcissism that I had the “why” fully figured out.
I’m done with “psychologizing” myself. When you are suffering from the narcissist’s mental abuse you constantly live in your head. You pick yourself apart. You question yourself. You try to figure out what’s wrong with me, what did I do to make this happen to me. Fuck that! Why the hell did that car careen into that innocent pedestrian? The innocent pedestrian was just minding their own business. The narcissist is no different than an out of control, fast moving SUV that is ready to run-over whoever doesn’t get out of its way.
And what’s with these people who spend years, if not decades, in therapy? Who are they? Woody Allen? They say, “My therapist thinks blah blah blah…” What the hell do you think?! Have you merely replaced the dependency of your controlling narcissist parent with a dependency on a controlling therapist who is buying a beach house with your payments?!
Anyone who wants you to repeat what they say back like a parrot is not to be trusted. They have ulterior motives. They are no better than the devious narcissist. Isn’t the idea of therapy to go in for a mental tune-up or get help with a life issue and get the hell out? You’re supposed to learn practical tools that you can apply to your thinking and behaviour and move on – hopefully – toward a healthier life.
If you let anyone in to your mental sanctuary you are allowing that person to judge you, and manipulate you and decide what you think and believe. If you let a narcissist know what makes you tick, you are inviting abuse: you are giving them the right to control your mind. Pushed to its limits, you are giving the narcissist absolute power over you. Possession of you. Psychological killing is only one step away from physical killing.
Narcissists operate in the realm of the mind. They don’t give a rat’s ass about you. They are only interested in information they can use to manipulate, control, abuse, and exploit you. The narcissist’s point of entry is your headspace. Block it. Barricade it. Fortify your boundaries. Figure out who you are and what you stand for. A strong mind means that YOU are in control of YOU. And it should give you great comfort to know that the narcissist hates impenetrable minds and are intimidated by them. No supply is given and none is taken. The starving narcissist moves on to feed somewhere else.
We are born a single consciousness and we should live and die a single consciousness.
But don’t take my word for it. Only you have the right to decide what you think and believe.