Adult Children of Narcissists: You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

                                               You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

This article by Andrew Vachss is a must read for Adult Children of Narcissists. As far as I'm concerned, it's one of the most important articles for those of us that endured severe emotional abuse at the hands of our parents, siblings and extended family. 

As an adult child of a cruel narcissist family, I sometimes feel universally abandoned (even with a blog about narcissistic abuse). And it's this article - You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart -  that I go back to time and again for validation. The article is a reminder that there are people out there that truly get it. That don't need explaining. That don't need convincing. They don't require a check list and a rating system to quantify and qualify the severity of our abuse. They just know. Emotional abuse is the cruelest and longest-lasting abuse of all. They understand that any abuse that diminishes an individual's sense of self is devastating and comes at a great cost. 

They also know that any form of "healing" or "cure" for emotional abuse is not available to purchase. The cure is carried within the survivor's own heart and soul. And only we know how to tap into our healing source. And we are free to do it in our own way and in our own time. Our hearts, our souls, our recovery, our terms. We hold the power to help ourselves. 


                                           You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart  

                                             by Andrew Vachss      www.vachss.com

I'm a lawyer with an unusual specialty. My clients are all children—damaged, hurting children who have been sexually assaulted, physically abused, starved, ignored, abandoned and every other lousy thing one human can do to another. People who know what I do always ask: "What is the worst case you ever handled?" When you're in a business where a baby who dies early may be the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy answer. But I have thought about it—I think about it every day. My answer is that, of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest–lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self–concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: "You're fat. You're stupid. You're ugly."

Emotional abuse can be as random as the fallout from a nuclear explosion. In matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the battlefield. I remember a young boy, barely into his teens, absently rubbing the fresh scars on his wrists. "It was the only way to make them all happy," he said. His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and each was demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.

Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: "You'll never be the success your brother was." Deliberate humiliation: "You're so stupid. I'm ashamed you're my son."

It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect—a sin of omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to a child that withholding it can cause a "failure to thrive" condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional abuse who have been designated as the family's "target child." The other children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the qualities every child will need as an adult—empathy, nurturing and protectiveness—they learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the cycle continues.

But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to "explain" the conduct of his abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self–blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will "just get over it" when they become adults.

That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And, like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical, sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. "It wasn't just the incest," she said quietly. "It was that he didn't love me. If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me."

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.

We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so that they "see" behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love—and so convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime candidates for abuse within intimate relationships.

The emotionally abused child can be heard inside every battered woman who insists: "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke him somehow."

And the almost–inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the victim's life.

Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life. Emotional abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because the emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against themselves. And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?

Members of a therapy group may range widely in age, social class, ethnicity and occupation, but all display some form of self–destructive conduct: obesity, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, domestic violence, child abuse, attempted suicide, self–mutilation, depression and fits of rage. What brought them into treatment was their symptoms. But until they address the one thing that they have in common—a childhood of emotional abuse—true recovery is impossible.

One of the goals of any child–protective effort is to "break the cycle" of abuse. We should not delude ourselves that we are winning this battle simply because so few victims of emotional abuse become abusers themselves. Some emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves.

The pain does not stop with adulthood. Indeed, for some, it worsens. I remember a young woman, an accomplished professional, charming and friendly, well–liked by all who knew her. She told me she would never have children. "I'd always be afraid I would act like them," she said.

Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological brutality, asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their children to "toughen up." It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted notion that beating children produces good citizens—we must also renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want the "debt" paid off, because they live quite happily on the "interest."

When your self'concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers. It's time to stop playing that role.

Because emotional abuse comes in so many forms (and so many disguises), recognition is the key to effective response. For example, when allegations of child sexual abuse surface, it is a particularly hideous form of emotional abuse to pressure the victim to recant, saying he or she is "hurting the family" by telling the truth. And precisely the same holds true when a child is pressured to sustain a lie by a "loving" parent.

Emotional abuse requires no physical conduct whatsoever. In one extraordinary case, a jury in Florida recognized the lethal potential of emotional abuse by finding a mother guilty of child abuse in connection with the suicide of her 17–year–old daughter, whom she had forced to work as a nude dancer (and had lived off her earnings).

Another rarely understood form of emotional abuse makes victims responsible for their own abuse by demanding that they "understand" the perpetrator. Telling a 12–year–old girl that she was an —enabler— of her own incest is emotional abuse at its most repulsive.

A particularly pernicious myth is that "healing requires forgiveness" of the abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is self–help—and a victim handicapped by the need to "forgive" the abuser is a handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional–abuse victim can make is to invest in the "rehabilitation" of the abuser. Too often this becomes still another wish that didn't come true—and emotionally abused children will conclude that they deserve no better result.

The costs of emotional abuse cannot be measured by visible scars, but each victim loses some percentage of capacity. And that capacity remains lost so long as the victim is stuck in the cycle of "understanding" and "forgiveness." The abuser has no "right" to forgiveness—such blessings can only be earned. And although the damage was done with words, true forgiveness can only be earned with deeds.

For those with an idealized notion of "family," the task of refusing to accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For such searchers, the key to freedom is always truth—the real truth, not the distorted, self–serving version served by the abuser.

Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of nasty, mean–spirited, personal–attack cruelty that passes for "entertainment" is but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and spiritual erosion, a "family" bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its children will not hold the line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of turning.

Effective treatment of emotional abusers depends on the motivation for the original conduct, insight into the roots of such conduct and the genuine desire to alter that conduct. For some abusers, seeing what they are doing to their child—or, better yet, feeling what they forced their child to feel—is enough to make them halt. Other abusers need help with strategies to deal with their own stress so that it doesn't overload onto their children.

But for some emotional abusers, rehabilitation is not possible. For such people, manipulation is a way of life. They coldly and deliberately set up a "family" system in which the child can never manage to "earn" the parent's love. In such situations, any emphasis on "healing the whole family" is doomed to failure.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self–help until you learn to self–reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say"—only continues the cycle.

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life–choices: learn to self–reference or remain a victim. When your self–concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self–respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more.

And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.

Malignant Narcissists Groom Their Prey For Maximum Exploitation

I like this image of the Big Bad Wolf because it is right on point with what the malignant narcissist predator is all about. The Wolf is dangling a bare bone while gripping a fork. This is exactly what the MN predator does; they toss their prey a “meatless” bone to lure them in, so THEY can feed. The bone may as well be rubber because what the malignant narcissist uses to bait the victim is worthless, it’s FAKE, there’s no substance to it, it’s all on the level of pretense, and it’s called “Grooming” - a predatory act of maneuvering prey into a trap.

I came across a description of “Grooming” on Out of the Fog and was amazed at how perfectly it describes the predation of malignant narcissist/psychopath sister AND MN mother on my N dad. But before we get to the description, let me begin with my experiences of being “groomed” by a narcissist.

Done. I have none. Grooming doesn’t work on me. Why? Probably because I was raised in captivity with three narcissists, I was out numbered, and I had to carefully study how the eco-system of the narc jungle functions in order to survive. If I fell prey to manipulation tactics such as grooming, I would have been chewed-up and spat out before I reached my teens.  

I recall one New Year’s Eve, I was home watching TV, and at the stroke of midnight malignant narcissist sister and her friend grabbed a bunch of pots and pans from the kitchen and went out onto the street and banged the living shit out of them. When malignant narcissist mother discovered that her pots and pans were dented and chipped she was furious. MN sister couldn’t pin this one on me because my parents came home while she was making a racket throughout the neighborhood and they caught her walk through the door pot handed. What happened next was something my 15 year old self put in the narcissist behavioral data bank.

Initially MN mother became angry at MN sister and bitched and moaned about her precious pots and pans, but that wasn’t the end of it. The next day, MN mother did some role reversing and tried to employ a divide and conquer technique. She “acted” as if my sister was invisible and went into full-on grooming/engulf mode with ME. Normally she didn’t acknowledge my existence, but now she was doing the human version of a picking through my hair. Because this was so out of character for her, I immediately recognized that she was working an angle – all this doting was to make my sister jealous. I was merely a pawn in her sick little game. It was almost laughable how she timed things. For example, MN sister would walk by, or enter the room I was in, and like magic, MN mother would appear and ask me in a sickly syrupy voice if I needed anything. This was quite a departure from her evil glares, hissing and threats to annihilate me. It was truly cringe worthy. Eventually MN mother realized I wasn’t taking the bait and she defaulted to her regular MN mother position – ignoring, neglectful, resentful.

I saw the hypocrisy and bizarre connections in MN mother’s actions. MN sister could bash me all she wanted and no one would care, but heaven forbid MN sister bash-up something of value, like a pot or a pan, then MN mother was going to make her pay by lavishing me (the human version of the dented object) with all kinds of contrived attention. From what I remember, that was the only time MN sister ever received anything resembling “punishment” but it had no effect on her, especially since MN mother’s show closed after only one performance.  

I learned at a young age not to trust smooth talking hustler types. I learned to experience effusiveness as off-putting. I have a few other experiences in life with narcissists who tried to lure me in this manner and failed miserably, BUT I have many many more experiences with narcissists who were critical, indifferent, neglectful, completely self-absorbed and made me feel “not good enough” who succeeded with me. 

Grooming is an extremely predatory act, so it’s the very dangerous among us (the evil) who employ this tactic. Both my malignant narcissist mother and malignant narcissist sister are predators: they go out of their way to find vulnerable prey to exploit/feed on. My father is a narcissist, bordering on malignant, but he is not a predator. In fact, my father has been preyed on repeatedly by malignant narcissist women. If you think all narcissists are immune to the predatory tactics of highly malignant narcissists, think again. Being a narcissist with an addiction to narc supply is a big button.

In his book Without Conscience, The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among us, Dr. Robert. D. Hare describes how these predators seek out our buttons to press.

If you have any weak spots in your psychological makeup, a psychopath is sure to find and exploit them, leaving you hurt and bewildered. The examples below illustrate the uncanny ability of psychopaths to detect our vulnerabilities and to push our buttons.  

In an interview, one of our psychopaths, a con artist, said candidly, “When I’m on the job the first thing I do is I size you up. I look for an angle, an edge, figure out what you need and give it to you. Then it’s pay-back time, with interest. I tighten the screws.” 

The callous use of the lonely is a trademark of psychopaths. Psychopaths have no hesitation in making use of people’s need to find a purpose in their lives, or in preying on the confused, the frail, and the helpless.

One of our subject carefully studied newspaper obituaries, looking for elderly people who had just lost a spouse and who had no remaining family members. In one case, posing as a “grief counselor,” he persuaded a seventy-year-old widow to give him power of attorney over her affairs. His scheme fell apart only because an alert church minister became suspicious, checked up on the impostor, and learned that he was a convicted swindler out on parole. “She was lonely, and I was attempting to bring some joy into her life,” said our subject.

Malignant narcissist mother has been mentoring MN sister in the black art of predation her entire life. I can just imagine the dialogue during one of her “grooming” coaching sessions. MN mother blows her whistles, gets up in MN sister’s face and says firmly, “Make sure you are a part of your father’s life, especially as he gets older. You need to stay close to him because you never know who will try and take advantage of him.”

Translation: “Take advantage of your father’s vulnerabilities in old age. Make him dependent on you, take away his freedom, isolate him, control his mind and bleed him dry before he dies.”

The years MN sister has spent plotting, scheming and “grooming” N father have all been leading up to that moment where she gains absolute power and control over him – that time has come. And I’m convinced MN mother and MN sister view enslaving N father and draining the life out of him as justified as opposed to murdering him. Even in the animal kingdom the prey doesn’t need to be dead to be fed on. 

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Outwardly it would appear that MN sister is succeeding at her assignment. She obtained POWER of attorney over N father, shoved him in a tiny assisted living home, and took everything he had away from him, including his freedom and his dignity. She’s squeezed him hollow and filled him with herself. Every aspect of his life is under MN sister’s control. She watches, monitors, intercepts and blocks his communication and has him so brainwashed and psychologically feeble that he needs her to tell him what to do.

MN mother must be gloating. It’s been her life work to train her malignant daughter to imprison her father and exploit him. My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but MN mother is still out to dominate N father and control him till his last dying day. The fact that MN sister is carrying out her will is of no consequence – they (MN mother and MN sister) are one person. MN mother uses MN daughter to abuse N father, MN sister uses N father to abuse normal sister (me). I’ve watched with fascination as history has repeated itself. The same shit that went down at the end of my Narcissist parent’s marriage, is the same shit that is going down at the end of their lives. The big shark eats the smaller shark, the smaller shark eats the smallest shark, the smallest shark eats the fish.  

What’s interesting here is this: MN mother would NEVER hand control of her life over to evil frankendaughter. No way! She knows better – she trained her vile daughter to look out for number one, and win at all costs. It’s a case of the master training the pupil, and the pupil becoming more dangerous than the master. Even though MN mother and MN sister are thick as thieves, there is NO honor among malignant narcissist thieves. They don’t trust each other, and why should they? They BOTH have a strong need for psychological and physical control over others, and they both know what the other is capable of. They are both highly skilled manipulators and predators who “groom” their prey for maximum exploitation. MN mother groomed MN sister to a life of bondage, and now MN sister has imprisoned N dad and groomed him to be a puppet on her string. 

Grooming - Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

Description: Grooming is an insidious predatory tactic, utilized by abusers. Grooming is practiced by Narcissists, Antisocial predators, con-artists and sexual aggressors, who target and manipulate vulnerable people for exploitation.

Child grooming is the deliberate act of establishing an emotional bond with a child, to lower the child's resistance. Child grooming can result in the minor falling victim to physical, sexual and emotional abuse, or specifically, to manipulate children into participating in slave labor, prostitution, and/or the production of child pornography.

Adult grooming is correspondent to child grooming and applies to any situation where an adult is primed to allow him or herself to be exploited or abused. While it is a common assumption that grooming is only practiced on the very young, identical emotional and psychological processes are commonly used to abuse or exploit adults, the elderly, and those with compromised mental facilities.

A predator will identify and engage a victim and work to gain the target’s trust, break down defenses, and manipulate the victim until they get whatever it is they are after.

The hallmarks of grooming are overt attention, verbal seduction (flattery / ego stroking), recruitment, physical isolation, charm, gift-giving, normalizing, gaslighting, secrecy, and threats.

• Abusers who groom their victims often claim to have a special connection with the abused. The so-called connection might be emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, or all of the above. This is often backed up by the predator echoing back part of the target's own background or story, altered to fit the groomer’s back-story, in order to confirm the connection.
• In order to abuse or exploit another person without fear of discovery, a sexual predator or con artist will frequently condition their intended victim to keep secrets for them. When building this bond of trust, an abuser may share seemingly personal or private information, and then swear the victim to secrecy. The victim is made to believe that they are being trusted with something of value, before being asked to share something of value with his/her abuser.
• Abusers use shared secrets to bind their victims to them. By degrees, the target is gradually lured in to revealing private information, giving up money, property or sexual favors, or permitting /engaging in inappropriate, unsafe, or illegal behaviors.
• The victim is often drawn in to being a "co-conspirator” (also known as forced teaming) with his or her abuser.
• Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the victim silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeeds.

Who are the victims of grooming? Men. Women. Children. Young adults. The middle-aged. The elderly. The lonely and the emotionally compromised. Those whose defenses are down. Anyone with soft boundaries. In short: There is no prototypical victim. Almost anyone can be vulnerable to grooming. Predators are practiced, and extremely good at what they do. Those who are not, tend to get caught. Those who get caught, tend to learn from their mistakes, and refine their techniques. You don’t have to be especially gullible to fall victim to grooming, but if you learn the signs, you can successfully identify a potential abuser, and avoid exploitation:

• Predators work in the shadows, and have something to hide.
• Predators claim to feel a "special connection" with their targets, even if they've only just met.
• Predators recruit co-conspirators (forced teaming) to fight their battles and do their bidding.
• Predators draw their victims in by sharing private information then swearing them to secrecy.
• Predators practice divide and conquer techniques in order to manipulate others.

Examples of Grooming:

• An individual who lures lonely or vulnerable people into a relationship in order to position themselves for monetary gain.
• An adult in a position of authority who uses their status to entice minor children into engaging in sexual activity.
• Anyone who manufactures a (false) bond of trust in order to extract promises or favors from another.

What it feels like:

Grooming can feel exhilarating – at first. The predator employs attentiveness, sensitivity, (false) empathy and plenty of positive reinforcement to seduce their victim. For their part, victims can be so enthralled with, or overwhelmed by the attention they are receiving; they will often overlook or ignore red flags that might alert them that the person who is showering them with that attention is somehow “off”.

Little by little, the abuser breaks through a victim’s natural defenses, gains trust, and manipulates or coerces the victim into doing his/her bidding. The victim finds themselves willingly handing over money or assets, engaging in inappropriate, illegal or morally ambiguous actives, or acting as a proxy for the abuser, fighting the abuser’s battles, and carrying out their will.

The victim often feels confusion, shame, guilt, remorse and disgust at his or her own participation. Equally powerful, is the panic that comes with the threat of being exposed for engaging these activities. There may also an overwhelming fear of losing the emotional bond that has been established with an abuser. The victim becomes trapped, depressed or despondent.

“The victim becomes trapped, depressed or despondent.”

"Predators recruit co-conspirators (forced teaming) to fight their battles and do their bidding.”

“Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the victim silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeed.”

“Predators work in the shadows, and have something to hide.”

MN sister’s relationship with her dad is identical to his marriages to cruel, greedy, controlling, manipulative, mentally deranged women. She’s like a combination of both ex-wives on steroids. The whole thing is very creepy. What is MN sister hiding? Same thing she has always been hiding – financial exploitation, that’s the socially unacceptable crime. But what’s the more insidious crime here? Elder abuse would be the obvious answer, but that’s not it. What is MN sister really hiding? I believe it’s her twisted fixation to control, dominate, and enslave another human being. MN sister is a pervert with the same psychological mindset as a serial killer or a pedophile. Absolute power over another is MN sister's secret vice. Her monkey Lloyd, though mutually parasitic, is bound to a life of captivity, and now so is my dad.  

I have watched this horror show unfold from a distance, and everything listed in the description of grooming, I have seen play out. I have to say, things are looking pretty bleak for the narcissists, maybe not at first glance, but I believe there is something at work and it’s NOT something I have any control over.

My father has been reduced to nothing, and my sister has total power over him. He is being exploited by MN sister, her flying monkey, and his ex-wife. It’s a disturbing relationship between four disturbed individuals. Whether N father realizes it or not, he has been lured into a trap and this is the most horrific position for someone who is vulnerable to be in. But vulnerability is what makes the malignant narcissist’s fangs come out. It’s at the height of the victim’s vulnerability that the MN predator goes in for the kill and wages the final assault.

It would appear he was lured and trapped by MN sister because he’s a slave to his narcissism. He craves narcissistic supply and she provides it. He’s an addict, she’s a pusher. It may even appear that he was blinded by his narcissism. I mean, did it ever occur to him that his greedy, manipulative, evil malignant daughter who HE enabled to blatantly abuse me, and who he plotted, schemed, and conspired with to betray me, wouldn't turn around and do the same thing to him? It’s the story of the frog and the scorpion. MN sister is a dangerous predator – that’s her nature. 

After 17 years of no contact with her, there was a brief period of telephone contact and during one of our conversations she remarked, “Dad has a dark side. It’s SO easy to use the power of suggestion on him.” OK. That is partly projection, but there’s also truth in that statement. It’s the case of an evil person recognizing a “dark side” in a weaker person and exploiting it for her own gain. So is it an accident that my dad handed over his life to his evil daughter, and boarded a slow boat to hell?  

In Anna V’s article Dancing With The Devil, she had this to say about adults who enter into relationships with evil:

“Peck (author of People of The Lie) asserts that adults do not accidentally end up in close relationships with evil people. He uses the term “willing thralldom.” (note the word “enthralled” is used to describe the victim’s reaction “grooming”).

Peck relates his experience with a very disturbed (and disturbing) couple -- Sarah and Hartley. In the context of this story he states:

"We do not become partners to evil by accident. As adults we are not forced by fate to become trapped by an evil power, we set the trap ourselves." pg. 118

Referring to Hartley:

"Theoretically he could have just walked away from Sarah. But he had bound himself to her by chains of laziness and dependency, and though titularly an adult, he had settled for the child's impotence. Whenever adults not at gunpoint become victims of evil it is because they have--one way or another--made Hartley's bargain." pg. 119-120

The bargain was to settle into a type of slavery because his moral laziness and dependency was a larger part of his character than not. 

"He entered into a submissive relationship with evil precisely because he was partially evil himself." (footnote pg. 118)

Anna states that adults who enter into relationships with evil have a part of them that is “comfortable” and “at home” with the evil. She goes on to say:

“It is not always possible for someone outside a relationship to know how the two parties are mutually benefiting from the relationship. Outwardly we may conclude we are seeing two opposites. We have to avoid this kind of simplistic acceptance of outward appearances when we observe a relationship between adults who have chosen to be together and who hang together tenaciously. One person may appear to be evil and the other "in thralldom" to the partner's evil. We must accept the reality they are both evil though likely not equally so.

No adult stays "in thralldom" to evil except by a choice of the will.

Don't make excuses for yourself or for others for staying in close relationship with evil people. Recognize the dynamic of symbiosis that is occurring. Unless an adult is physically being held hostage, that adult has a choice as to whether or not to stay in association with an evil character. Knowing this to be true, do not attempt to "rescue" someone who is dancing in lock-step with a narcissist. They must be avoided along with the narcissist because they are morally compromised. Whether due to laziness, psychological dependence, greed, shared power...adults stay in relationship with evil people because they choose to. They feel they have something to gain by the association. Acknowledge to yourself this reality and live accordingly.”

I believe my dad has been played, groomed, hustled and conned and used as a receptacle to contain and eject MN sister and MN mother's hatred of me. But I also believe he has chosen - despite his conscious awareness of all of their wrongdoing - to stay in collusion with the evil bitches and low-life thug monkey because it makes him feel powerful. Narcissists see kindness and compassion as weakness. So, who who do you think the narcissist is going to team up with at the end of their lives when they themselves are weak, frail and vulnerable? Remember; narcissism is about power and control and superiority and dominating and INTIMIDATING others. There's your answer. A sick, dying, immobile, vulnerable narcissist will choose to surround themselves with bullies, thugs, monkeys and parasitic minions every time. At the end of the narcissists's life, he is as morally degenerated as he will ever be, and as a result feels comfortable and "safe" around fellow moral degenerates. I would go as far to say, the anxiety and fear the narcissist has of impending death may in fact be quelled by surrounding himself with fellow abusers, exploiters, liars and the conscienceless. 

Narcissists don't want to be around "good" people when it comes time to meet their maker because that will make them feel "bad" by comparison; delusions and denial are just a temporary fix - a Band-Aid - to cover the reality of the narcissist's true self and they take a hell of a lot of energy to maintain. So when reality surfaces, what the narcissist needs more than ever is a strong hit of narcissistic supply. The amoral, parasitic lackeys are more than happy to provide it. In the end, the narcissist has only mutually parasitic relationships - they subsist on narc supply that is 100% fake while being picked clean by human vultures.   

I predict my Dad will continue to avoid me because I reflect back to him who he really is. Besides, I'm much more useful to him and his fellow abusers at a distance and as a defenseless scapegoat. I am without excuses for him and will not attempt to “rescue” him. He still has free will. He can pick up the phone and call me. The “choice” is his. Though I doubt I will ever hear from him because narcissists don't like to have their illusions shattered, especially at the end of their lives when they are running scared and working overtime to avoid reality and dodge the demon at the door.   

Dear Narcissists, 

You can't continue dancing with devil and wonder why you end up in hell.

Malignant Narcissists Are Homicidal

Haven’t you heard? Malignant Narcissists are superior beings, and as superiors beings they don’t follow any rules; they write their own and the inevitable result is corruption.

Malignant Narcissists Feed Off Your Pain

I used to wonder why the people in my life always seemed to derive some form of gratification from my misfortune. Not only were they devoid of sympathy, support, understanding or a kind word; they always seemed to make me feel worse. 

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The Aftershock Of Narcissistic Abuse

“If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist.  Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart.

Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask."   ----- Joanna Ashmun   How To Recognize A Narcissist

I would not be writing this blog if my NFOO were the only narcissists to infect my life.  Wouldn’t that be nice? To be done with these pernicious creatures at the age of 18; clean-up the aftermath of their abuse and move forward with my life, narc free.  No such luck!  My narcissist family of origin was pretty much obliterated by the time I was 18, which means I have been out of that sick and twisted system longer than I was in it.  But did I walk out of a world dominated by narcissists into a kinder, gentler one free of narcissists? Hell NO.

Transitioning from a NFOO into adulthood was like surviving a devastating car crash, and wandering away from the scene of the accident in severe shock and with a bad head injury. I entered adulthood traumatized, and I didn’t even know it.  Trauma is not a good foundation in which to build a life. Trauma is not the basis of practical choices and wise decisions. I entered into adulthood with my navigation and response systems compromised, and all my safety mechanisms corrupted. In short: I was brainwashed, with no boundaries and set to fight or flight mode. I had the narcissists to thank for erasing everything in me that would keep me safe in a dangerous world. I was groomed by wolves to be attractive to wolves.

Growing up in a “family” dominated by narcissists is akin to being raised in a cult. I wrote about this in the post Narcissistic Abuse is Soul Murder where I compared it to being imprisoned in a police state a la Big Brother. There is absolute control, invasion of privacy, brainwashing, punishment for original thought, isolation, silencing, secretiveness, group think, fraud and dictatorship to name a few.

Being raised in a NFOO is also like being combat soldiers on the front lines of war:  facing the enemy without back-up, running as bullets fly and ducking for cover as grenades are tossed, and always living in a state of fear and apprehension as we nervously wait for the next bomb to drop. We could never relax.  We were never safe from harm. We were hostages fighting to survive in a war that we didn’t sign-up for. Yup, we ACONs were thrust out into the world brainwashed combat vets and POW survivors with post-war trauma. But no one would know this just by looking at us. Except of course, the enemy… other narcissists.

This most insidious aspect of narcissistic abuse is this: we were groomed by predators FOR predators.  It’s like the trafficking of human souls.  Are all these evil fucks in it together? Is the cult of narcissistic abuse a form of organized crime?  All I can say is; the narcs that trained me have blood on their hands. I was their human sacrifice to the world of predators and they are in collusion with every evil, sick fuck that ever harmed me. My narcissist parents shoved me out into the world with a map directing me toward a life of traumatic events and abusive relationships.  

Having personal boundaries repeatedly trampled by N parents and siblings to the point where the lines of me and others no longer exists, is utterly selfish and cruel.  The narcissist parent TRAINS the child to ignore the warning signs of danger so THEY can gain access and violate us without any interference.  When you make boundary trespassing “normal” you just set the child up to be exploited. Because isn’t that what boundaries are: an early warning detection system to keep out intruders? Yup. Those N parents are as merciless as they come. In addition to the abuse at THEIR hands, the N parent primes the child to be abused by the rest of the world and sets them up for a life of hazardous relationships. And because life among the NFOO is so dangerous, we essentially enter the world alone, as orphans with no support system. We are first rate narc bait without a safety line. We ACONs are simply irresistible to predators. Yum, yum.  Let the feeding frenzy begin.

A few years after I had fled to the opposite end of the country to a city where I didn’t know anyone, and with only $200 bucks in my pocket, I had a long distance chat with malignant narc mother.  I told MNM about a couple of shitty experiences I had starting out in the big city, but there were tons. She became incredibly hostile and snapped, “Why do these things always happen to YOU?!” I remember saying, “I don’t know. Bad luck? It’s not my fault. Why can’t you give me the benefit of the doubt?” She screamed back at me, “I would NEVER give YOU the benefit of the doubt!” It wasn’t long after that, that I went no contact for good. I have not seen or spoke to the vicious, psycho, malignant monster in 22 years. Looking back at that conversation I think of things like, “Yeah ‘mom’ why do these things always happen to ME?” I was fucking set-up by YOU and the other narcs! That’s why! Interestingly enough, malignant narcissist sister has never been exploited and abused as an adult. Want to know why? Because she was trained to be a PREDATOR. 

And as far MN mother callously lacking any and all concern for my wellbeing - what the hell should I expect? She’s a malignant narcissist. Malignant narcissists train you to bend-over for abuse, and then despise you for taking it. It truly is a Catch – 22. 

Even before I discovered malignant narcissism and was FINALLY able to slap a label on the “family” freak show, I was fully aware of N parent’s extreme limitations.  Friends that I made in the big city I fled to were always perplexed by my background. They would ask me, “Do your parents know where you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Do they wonder where you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Don’t they care how you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Why?! Why?! Why?!” My stock response was, “They’re not capable of caring.”  Funnily enough, I even had an N friend say to me, “In all the time I have known you, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why your parents hate you.” I replied, “Maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s them.” And incidentally, I never told anyone my parents hate me. I guess they just equated their indifference with hate, which is not a stretch as indifference is the opposite of love.

So, as you can see; I was no fool. I was onto something. I went NO CONTACT for good with MN mother and MN sister in my early 20’s. I knew at a fairly young age that my NFOO was dangerous and that I was better off without them. But despite my survival instincts, I still got involved with narcissists because of my special prior training.

Being raised in a home dominated by narcissists is not just a case of my family sucks so I’m outta here, and that’s the end of the insanity.  On no. Not a chance. I really wish it was that simple. For me, it was a case of my family sucks and no matter how far I run they continue to suck and suck and suck and suck. Narcissistic abuse is like a gigantic leech that latches on and continues to feed.  No matter where you go, no matter what you do, the narcissist’s voice lives inside of you (that should be a dysfunctional family greeting card). 

Remember all those cults that sprung-up in the 1970’s, and how those poncho wearing, pot-smoking, and sometimes just naive teenage hippies had to be “rescued” by their parents? But the parents didn’t do the actual rescuing.  The parents had to hire people that were specially trained at removing/kidnapping people from cults and de-programming them. I remember seeing documentaries on the subject. The “deprogrammers” would snatch the kid, shove them in a van, and then take them to a hotel room where there were no outside influences – NONE - and the deprogramming would commence.

And therein lies the reason why the adult children of narcissists are not free from abuse simply because they have escaped their family of origin - outside influences; other narcissists. How can you deprogram if members of the same cult keep slithering into your life?  You can’t!  It is IMPOSSIBLE to mitigate the effects of narcissistic abuse if your life continues to be infiltrated by narcissists.

I may have encountered “lesser narcissists” after my NFOO, but they were narcissists just the same. And even if some of these “relationships” were only short lived, there was still damage.  It seemed I was always cleaning-up after these fuckers.  And when I finally got rid of one infestation, there would be another. I swear these narcs are like cockroaches: you can’t leave any tasty crumbs around for them to snack on. NOT A CRUMB. 

The aftershock of narcissistic abuse has been more devastating to me than the original abuse. The "big one" hit in my NFOO, I survived it and walked away. What I didn’t count on was the ripple effect: numerous smaller quakes repeatedly hitting me in the same spot at unpredictable and random intervals. Narcissists on the outside strike like terrorists. At least in a N home, there is some predictability, and if your parent isn't a stalker, there is the possibility of a clean exit strategy.  But when N abuse becomes a part of your adult life - when you can't stop trying to get blood out of a stone - there seems to be no escape. It's never ending. You say to yourself "I guess most people are just like that." Or, "maybe something is wrong with me?" As Anna V said, the only thing wrong with us ACONs is that we tolerate narcissists. So please NEVER confuse being shell-shocked and brainwashed with a busted compass and non-existent security and support system as being damaged or defective. Only narcissists want you to believe that, and it is only narcissists that are truly deserving of the description: damaged, disordered and defective. It is the mutant narcissist who is lacking in everything that makes us human.    

So we ACONs are shell-shocked soldiers walking right into another battle. A battle that never ends until we figure-out the enemy. They say knowing your enemy is half the battle. This is true, especially when you discover it's not you, it's THEM - The Narcissists!  And the only way to win the battle is to closely study your enemy and know your own weakness; the ones that your N parents cultivated in you during narc abuse training camp.  Only when you truly understand the enemy and know yourself will you be properly protected.  That's what this blog is about.

So as I wrap up this post, I notice a fellow soldier has found their way here by asking the Google oracle: what does it truly mean to be narcissist free? 

To me, it means the war is my mind is finally over. It’s the end of battling the narcissist’s influence on my thoughts, feelings and behavior.  I'm happy to report that part of the war is over for me. DONE. Narcissists no longer have any influence on me. Well… except for pissing me off. And I am well aware that narcissists will always exist, they are out there and they are numerous, and there's a part of me that humbly accepts that I will always be vulnerable. The only thing I can do, that any of us can do, is know the enemy and know thyself. 

And while you're at it, throw loads of love at yourself and NEVER love anyone that can't love you back.