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Causing “narcissistic injury” is a walk in the park; you don’t have to do a damn thing. What’s difficult is NOT causing narcissistic injury.
First off, I don’t care for wishy-washy psychiatric phrases like
“narcissistic injury.” They are extremely misleading, and seem to suggest that
the poor narcissist is “feeling” hurt or wounded and is suffering as a result.
Give me a break. When you cause narcissistic injury you simply threaten the
narcissist’s delusions of uniqueness and superiority and THAT pisses them off,
period. All narcissistic injuries lead to rage. Therefore, “narcissistic
injury” and “rage” aren’t just linked; they are one and the same. Sure, the
narcissist’s reaction to a perceived threat may sometimes look like snootiness,
cold detachment, apathy, mild irritation or indifference but it isn’t, it
is rage.
The title of this post is a little tongue-in-cheek because it
doesn’t take any effort whatsoever to cause “narcissistic injury.” Hell,
sometimes all it takes to enrage a narcissist is to breath the same air as
them. The narcissist’s image is one of perfection: they view themselves as
exclusive, faultless, flawless, irreproachable, magnificent bastards and if we
lowly plebs ever forget it then look out, there will be hell to pay! Because
with every narcissistic “injury” there is a reflexive urge toward violence. And
guess who is at the receiving end of that violence? That’s right, we the
people. WE are the ones that suffer “injuries” when the narcissist’s infantile
little ego gets bruised.
It goes something like this: We somehow inadvertently threaten the
narcissist’s grandiosity. In reaction to that threat, the narcissist
experiences rage. The natural byproduct of rage is violence. Depending on
the narcissist, the violence can range from anything to name calling, shouting,
a dirty look, walking away in a huff, the silent treatment, slamming a door,
blasting the stereo, smashing a plate, breaking a chair, vandalizing your property,
vandalizing your image, stalking, harassment, murder, and the ultimate…
suicide. The narcissist’s violence is a knee jerk reaction to a threat of their
narcissism. It is immediate and it is inevitable. It can be mitigated and
controlled, but the impulse is ALWAYS there. Narcissists are ALWAYS seething with
anger and ready to explode. BOOM!
The way I see it, the narcissist’s rage/violence serves a few
purposes. First, it acts as a fortress to protect their image: They scare
the living shit out of us and therefore control us from ever speaking the truth
about them and their behavior. We simply don’t speak-up for fear of
retribution. We keep our mouths shut to keep the peace. We walk on
egg-shells around narcissists because we know that they are loose cannons ready
to blow if we say or do the wrong thing. If you had N parents then you lived
with the tension of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We cause the narcissist “injury” when we don’t play by their
script. All the worlds a stage and we are merely players to the narcissist’s
starring role. Our job as lowly bit players/extras/filler in the
narcissist’s spectacular big budget drama is to enable and support their
narcissism, NOT threaten it. But because these Ns don’t take the time to
hand-out our lines for the day, and the scenes we’ll be in and the roles we’re
supposed to play, we end-up flubbing our parts and running the risk of being a
target of N rage. And it’s VERY easy to flub our part. Make an innocent
observation that contravenes with the narcissist’s self-image of perfection;
dare to contradict the narcissist; subject the narcissist to an attitude that
challenges their sense of entitlement; treat the narcissist as an equal and
call their superiority into question; offer a damning yet accurate assessment
of the narcissist’s dishonest behavior; make a statement of fact that impinges on the
narcissist’s confabulated reality and watch the shit hit the fan!
Instead of calling - CUT! TAKE 2! - the narcissist has a raging
temper tantrum. They control their fantasy of themselves by controlling us with
fear. And if we’re not buying their “act” then their performances aren’t
convincing enough and THAT freaks them out. If you had N parents/
siblings then you’ve been silenced in those relationship all your life… and you
may even still be afraid of them. I survived in my NFOO by playing the groupie
to the N’s demanding Diva role.
Another purpose the narcissist’s rage/violence serves is to KEEP
them in the lead role. They are not only the star of their own movie; they are
the star of your movie/his movie/her movie/everyone’s movie. If they are
lifting cars, tipping dumpsters, shooting evil glares, causing drama, spewing
bile and creating chaos then roll camera because the spot light is on them, and
that’s when the narcissist is ready for their close-up. If they can control a
whole room of people with their mood...
THAT is fucking star power!
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| Narc Rage |
Also, narcs always feel better after a good rage session. They’re
like big babies with gas that have a good burp and let it all out. Oh, so
satisfying. And they not only expect us to feel better too after they
rage, but to act like their ugly, psycho performance never happened. But do we
feel better after the narcissist’s rage fest? Hellz no! First, the narcissist
lightens their toxic load by dumping their anger onto us and into us, so we
carry that around for them. Then, because we are not allowed to “feel”
anything, we are forced to repress our own natural rage at the abuse they
inflict. So there we are, carrying around the narc’s poisonous rage and
suppressing our own righteous anger. If that’s not a recipe for
illness/addiction/self-sabotage/effed-up relationships etc. etc., I don’t know
what is.
My malignant narcissist mother would always scream at me, “You’re
so damn moody!” MN sister would always whine, “You always seem so angry. I
don’t know why you’re always so mad at me all the time?” Of course, most of
this was projection, but the reality was: Why the hell wouldn’t I be moody? I
was a dumping ground for the toxic waste of three full-blown narcs. Was I
supposed to be singing and dancing and whistling and smiling and doing
back-flips of joy through the living room when I had no choice but to accept
abuse and repress my every last feeling?! Put it this way: if I
wasn’t quiet, withdrawn and apprehensive then there would be something
seriously wrong with me… I would be a dumbed-down, lifeless, hollowed-out
zombie and that would mean there’s nothing left of me, I no longer feel
anything and the narcs had won. And get this, because I didn’t become what the
narc’s wanted me to be - a compliant zombie - MN mother and MN sister who are certifiable
and bat shit crazy, are telling people that I have a “mood disorder,” “emotional
problems,” “mental-health issues.” Yup, that’s what happens when
you decide to protect yourself from abuse.
The narcs label YOU the sick
one. HA! The irony of the injustice is mind-boggling. Also, because I’ve gone NO CONTACT – the mother of all N
injury – the two evil witches can no longer unleash their rage on me in person.
So the next best thing to do with their violence is to vandalize my image
through lies, slander and gossip. Narcissistic abuse is the kind of abuse that
keeps on giving long after you’re gone, and the reason is simple: Malignant
narcissists MUST ALWAYS remain linked to their prey in some way. They are fused
to you whether you like it or not.
This leads me to another function of the narcissist’s violence:
It serves to perpetuate the relationship between the malignant narcissist
and their victim. Their smear campaigns and abusive, crazy, deranged,
dangerous, illegal, and bizarre behavior are done in an effort to maintain a relationship
with you. The fact that it is a BAD relationship - a COMBAT situation - is
beside the point. The point is the MN is still linked to you through arguing,
screaming matches, restraining orders, police reports, court proceedings and
lawyers. And if the MN can’t have a physical presence in their victim’s
life, then they create a way to live on in their victim’s mind. The MN mother
says to herself, “Well, she might have a life of her own, but I will make her
forever afraid of me!” Therefore ensuring that her victim, target, daughter
won’t be able to live without thinking about her… and the movie plays on with
MN mother in the lead. Or, the MN carries-out some spectacular display of evil
right before their final curtain: For example, arranging for your inheritance
to go to your mortal enemy. That way, the MN continues to live-on in the minds
of others through conflict and strife. For the MN, there is no final curtain
call, graceful bow, or exit stage left. Their horror show rages on long after
they are dead and buried.
Here are some examples of narcissistic injury, starting with the
big ones:
Exist independently of the N parent/Get married/Go no contact: This is the
motherload of narcissistic injury. When the MN parent is confronted with the
reality that they are not the main character in their child’s movie; that you
have your own movie and they aren’t even in it, THIS is the worst calamity that
can befall a malignant narcissist parent. They suddenly find themselves reduced
to a bit part or completely cut-out, and are now doomed to be just like all the
other 6 billion extras in the world. THIS makes the MN Diva mad as hell! How
dare they be assigned to some lowly supporting role or end-up on the cutting
room floor! They are a Star and don’t you ever forget it. This is probably why
so many Ns pull crazy stunts at their children’s wedding: They want to make the
event ALL ABOUT THEM, and maintain their starring role.
The following comment left by ANON, perfectly illustrates
narcissistic injury/rage when the N discovers that their supply exists
independent of them:
“I remember my
mother having a hissy fit because one of her husbands was flirting with another
woman. This crazy bitch had a full blown temper tantrum, screaming, cussing,
and picking up the back end of a car, with the grande finale being that she
tossed a couple of large green dumpsters over like they were nothing (big,
heavy, full of trash - the kind you roll on wheels because nobody can pick them
up)...I was scared as hell, but knew not to say a word or I'd receive whatever
was left of her rage. I stayed quiet until we got home, went to my room and
ended up drawing a cartoon of a cross between her and the incredible hulk
tossing dumpsters in the air - the fear melted into giggles.”
In this instance, the malignant narcissist sees her husband
flirting with another woman and is confronted with the reality that she is not
the main character in his movie. The movie is his, and it keeps on playing even
when she’s not around. And the byproduct of that terrifying realization for
this MN is to morph into The Hulk and go on a rampage until her fury is spent.
And her fury wasn’t even directed at the husband, it was unleashed on innocent
cars and dumpster. Can you imagine what the MN would have done to the husband?
This is the kind of narcissistic injury that causes a MN to poison their
spouse’s meal with cyanide. It's a good thing ANON knew NOT to react to her
raging lunatic of a MN mother.
A raging MN doesn’t have to act like a roaring, over-sized green beast,
busting out of the seams of their clothing, trashing objects and running amok.
Sometimes all the MN monster needs to rely on is good old verbal
violence, a withering glare or gaslighting.
Here’s what happened to another Anonymous after looking
"disappointed" after receiving an unfitting gift from N
parents: “When I looked disappointed - a torrent of
shoulds/gaslighting/verbal abuse."You're never grateful for anything you
selfish little bitch nothing ever pleases you I don't know why I bother you're never
satisfied etc" delivered with the most hateful glare and harsh strident
tone imaginable. It was really very terrifying, like being confronted by
Medusa.”
Even a simple “look” of disappointment, frustration, sadness,
anger, or joy can cause the testy narcissist injury/rage. Once, I got belted
across the face at the dinner table for a look I wasn’t even aware I gave
MN mother. The violence came out of thin air, and shocked me so much that I wet
my pants. And I never uttered a word. I just sat at the table and
continued eating my meal; face stinging. It was N father who hit me, and
he didn't give a crap what "look" I gave MN mother, he hated
her, he just needed to release some pent-up rage and I was the family
whipping post.
Whether it was Medusa, The Hulk, The Hand or The Smirk; the
effect was all the same to the children of narcissists: The N
parent's rage was terrifying. Even after I fled to the opposite end of the
country, and was officially an adult, I was still terrified of NFOO's rage. I
remember a boyfriend who I did a lot of travelling with suggesting that I send
post-cards to MN mother and MN sister. I kept on saying no. He kept on
insisting. He was family oriented and wanted me to have a wonderful
relationship with them… he just didn’t get it. Anyway, he kept on insisting I
send post cards, and I kept on saying no. Finally he asked, “Why not?!” I
answered, “Because they’ll get mad!” This was absolutely true. For me to live
my own life, a full life, a happy life caused MN mother and MN sister narcissistic
injury.
Hell, you can “injure” a narcissist simply by ending a telephone
conversation with them. One morning – many years ago, before I fled to the
opposite end of the country – MN sister called me up all chirpy. I was still
sleeping, and a little hung-over. I was working three jobs, lived in a shit
basement suite with a noisy family above me, and I had been out the night
before until all hours and had to work that day and into the night. I needed my
sleep. So she’s blathering on and on, and I guess I wasn’t acting overly
enthused about whatever she was yapping about, or giving her the royal
treatment that she feels entitled to so she sensed this and we cut
the conversation short. Fine by me, I needed to take advantage of whatever
sleep I could get. So I fell back asleep and was dozing comfortably when about
20 minutes later the phone rang and woke me up. I answer the phone, “Hello?”
What do I hear at the other end but MN mother raging at the top of her
lungs, “Where the hell is that lawn chair?! Who the hell do you think you are
for taking that lawn furniture?! You goddamn get to do whatever the hell you
want!”
What happened was this: MN sister, who was living with MN mother,
got upset because I wasn’t doing back-flips of joy during our conversation. In
other words, I didn’t enable and support MN sister’s narcissism and give her
the preferential treatment she feels entitled to. This caused the psychotic
little bitch injury, so she whined to MN mother about how rude I was. Now
because MN mother and MN sister are fused, this also caused MN mother injury
and she lashed-out and raged at me about some piece of shit lawn chair that I
took to use in my apartment years prior. When it comes to MNs It’s NEVER about
a crap lawn chair or a ratty old beach towel, it’s about their delusions of
being superior beings and their expectations of always being treated as such.
Long story short, just by existing I caused MN mother’s limb - MN
sister - injury. I was removed from activities that I loved and excelled in
because my success made MN sister “feel bad.”I was taken out of figure skating
after doing well in a province wide competition because according to MN mother,
“Your figure skating makes your sister feel bad, and you don’t really like it
anyway.” I remember MN mother giving me instructions to tell my coach I was
quitting because my family couldn’t afford it. Yeah right. Money was never an
issue.
Earlier in the post I explained that the narcissist’s rage is
inevitable and is immediate but it can be mitigated and controlled. Here’s an
example of delayed release narcissistic rage:
I was visiting N father for a few days, and went out and picked-up
a bunch of danishes to have with our morning coffee that week. It was the
afternoon when I got back, and I asked N father if he would like to have
a danish. He said sure, so I put a selection out on a plate and left them
on the kitchen counter for him to choose from. A while later I went back to the
kitchen and found N father reading the paper with an empty plate of
danishes in front of him. With about as much interest as I would put into
noticing rain, I innocently remarked, “Oh, you ate them all.” N father
snapped back, “They were small.” It was true, they were small, but he ate 6 of
them. Anyway, there were still 6 left so I could at least enjoy one with
my coffee the next morning.
Even with NPD knowledge I was thinking, shit! I shouldn’t have
said that, now he’s going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I don’t
recall him being in a noticeably bad mood, or maybe I just avoided him. Anyway,
the next morning I awoke eager for my morning ritual of a coffee and something sweet,
in this case a danish. I was about to go down the stairs when I heard N
father crumpling a paper bag and the sound of the crumpled bag slamming against
a wall. Before I even descended the stairs and entered the kitchen, I
knew what he had done. Sure enough, I found the bag of danishes crushed and
crumpled at the opposite end of the kitchen from where I had left them.
I grabbed the bag of squished and mangled danishes and
plunked it into the garbage. I never said a word to N father about this
seriously messed-up act. Why? Because I wanted to avoid WW3.
Crushed danishes were narcissistic rage. So what was the
narcissistic injury? Delivering what N father perceived to be disturbing data
about him. In N father’s eyes, my remark about eating all the danishes wasn’t
addressing his actions; it was addressing who he is as a person. And N father
believes himself to be perfect and he can never be seen as anything but
perfect, and a perfect person doesn’t make a pig of themselves. I never took
him for a pig because he isn’t a pig. He isn’t a hog and he has no issues
with weight. And it’s not as if I said, “Hey Tubby, you scarfed ALL those
danishes down?! Would you like me to fill-up you’re trough while I’m standing
here?” There was narcissistic injury and there was rage and my innocent
observation must have kept him up that night plotting his revenge. But why the
danishes?! Anything but the danishes!
Causing “narcissistic injury” is a walk in the park; you don’t
have to do a damn thing. What’s difficult is NOT causing narcissistic
injury. My life among the narcissists has been an exercise in not
tripping the wire that causes the N to detonate. And living in a narc
minefield is no way to live. If however, you would like to cause a MN lifelong
injury and all-consuming rage and maybe a little fear; here’s what you do:
Sometime before, during or after you go NO CONTACT make sure the narcissist
knows that you’ve got their number and you've NEVER bought their act AND you're
mad as hell. Then disappear. You will forever be a thorn in the malignant
narcissist’s side if they know you're out there with the truth of who and what
they are, and YOU are a loose cannon who’s not afraid to blow.
