Months ago I observed a woman sitting on a bench outside the library having a lively conversation. Her legs were crossed and she was leaning forward with a burning cigarette in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. She spoke with such enthusiasm; widening her eyes, chuckling, sighing, shaking her head in disbelief, and waving her hands to make a point. Sometimes she paused to listen, leaned back, sipped her coffee, took long drags on her cigarette and nodded her head in agreement. When she was done listening she would lean in and carry on her animated chatter. The thing is, she was talking to no one. The conversation existed in her head.
This is what little children do when they play pretend. For example, the little girl who has a tea party and pours imaginary tea and chats with her imaginary friends. It’s a sweet thing to see children play make-believe. But when adults do this, it’s not sweet, it’s insane. Healthy children eventually out-grow playing make believe. Narcissists never do. The malignant narcissist is no saner than the woman I described having an animated conversation with herself. Malignant narcissists are nothing more than masked psychotics.
According to Eric Fromm and Scott Peck, evil is a severe and specific form of mental illness. But don’t confuse narcissistic personality disorder with mental illness. Mental illness is not the cause of malignant narcissism; it’s the result of malignant narcissism. In other words, malignant narcissists are bat shit crazy because they won’t stop abusing their minds. They engage in a persistent pattern of doing bad things (evil) and then they evade accountability. How do they evade accountability? By avoiding the truth about everything – the world, themselves, their past, their present, you. This denial of reality is what makes them insane. They lie to themselves 24 hours a day and live in a fantasy world so their personal narrative is a complete work of fiction. But it doesn’t stop there. They also need to bend your personal narrative to support their delusions – that’s where character assassination and smear campaigns come in. Ultimately, the malignant narcissist’s outreach of insanity disturbs everything and everyone around them.
Like the crazy woman talking to herself in public, the narcissist’s internal world and external world don’t match-up. But God help the person who brings this to their attention. What if you told the little girl having the tea party that there was no tea coming out of the pot, she had no friends at the table, and the biscuits she was feeding her guests didn’t exist. Well, the little girl might just have a temper tantrum, bawl her eyes out and start stomping her feet in an effort to coerce you into believing, or at the very least, shutting-up so that she can enjoy her fantasy. Other children might get you to play along by using their vivid imagination to convince you that what does not exist does exist and vice versa. This is what narcissists do. They use temper tantrums (narc rage), intimidation tactic and lies to make you play along with their script.
Never underestimate the narcissist’s creative union with lies. They play with them, color them, put their own spin on them, and hide from them. Narcissists ARE lies and they inhabit a parallel universe where they hide from themselves and play peekaboo with the demon at the door – their true selves. Consider their external dialogue: She’s mentally ill and I’m concerned for her wellbeing. I care about her and want to see her get the help she needs. She needs medication. Now consider their internal dialogue: I psychologically tormented her, harassed her and humiliated her to the point of hospitalization. Yay me! I broke her. Now she’s dumbed down and numbed out on meds! Now she IS mentally ill. Maybe I can drive her to suicide!
Do you think someone who IS a lie is sane? I don’t.
Malignant narcissists have zero problem embracing their malicious envy, their hatred and rage, their contempt for others, their pathological sense of entitlement and grandiosity. They act on these sadistic impulses every day in every way in an effort to vaunt themselves, but they would never admit that this is who they are. No way! Instead they opt to put all their energy into hiding who they are, and in the process they give themselves brain damage and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Honestly, I would have more respect for malignant narcissists if they manned-up and admitted to their darkness. The only thing worse than a moral deviant, is a moral deviant who believes they are a “good person.” Reminds me of the only self-help books my malignant narcissist mother and malignant narcissist sister read. My mother read Women Who Love Too Much, and my sister read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. That’s how delusional they are. Malignant narcissist mother believes she “loves too much.” Malignant narcissist sister believes she’s a “good person” who bad things happen to. Here are the books they should have read: Women Who Are Incapable of Love and Why I do Bad Things to Good People.
Oh what tangled webs they weave when first they practice to deceive - themselves. The “tangled web of lies” is of course, their brain. Consider the mess that is their mind. Once they hit the delete key on reality there is no turning back. They can never undo the damage they have done to their brain. The narcissist does not have a psychological injury, they have psychological decay. Every minute of every hour of every day that they lie to themselves they become more and more mentally decompensated. They can never regain their sanity because they can’t repair something that no longer exists. Remember those public service announcements with 2 cracked eggs sizzling in a frying pan and the slogan: This is your brain on Drugs. Well narcissists, this is your brain on narcissism – fucking fried!
Outwardly malignant narcissists appear normal, but inside they are very different. They are people who have been lying and deceiving themselves and others their entire lives, and they have trained their minds to unknow the truth. They will never stop thinking in lies because by lying to themselves, they believe they somehow exalt themselves. For example, thinking the petty torments and suffering they so glibly spreading around make them superior. In short, reality short circuits their brain. This is why all malignant narcissists end up going outwardly mad with some form of dementia or psychosis. You cannot keep unwanted knowledge and feelings repressed forever without becoming sick. I have been no contact with my malignant narcissist mother for 25 years, but if I was to have her in my life that would have meant 25 years of swallowing my feelings, repressing my anger, and denying the truth about her unmitigated hatred of me. I can tell you right now, if I had stayed stuck in her web of insanity I might now be crazy too, in a folie a deux, shared psychosis kind of way like malignant narcissist sister, or dead from a stress illness. Relationships are always on the malignant narcissist’s terms and that means they control you. It’s not just a matter of go along to get along, it’s a matter of buying into their lies and special brand of cult-like crazy. It’s about believing what isn’t instead of what really is. It’s about willfully abusing your mind. Sorry, ain’t gonna happen. My mind is my most precious possession and I’m not going to hurt it. Never let a narcissist into your head, because if you do, you are allowing a violently mentally ill person to control your thoughts and they do not wish you well. If you allow a narcissist to contaminate your mind, your mind will turn on you – I guarantee it. One must Employ Robot Mode all the way.
Malignant narcissists expend a ton of mental energy to escape reality - a ton. That is why as the narcissist gets worse with age and mentally weaker, the rare and easily repressed moments of unwanted self-awareness they used to easily deflect, become more frequent and virtually assail them. In other words, they are attacked by reality because their mind is too debauched to protect themselves from it. They’ve battered their brains so badly that their minds start turning on them and playing tricks on them. The irony here is that when the malignant narcissist’s mind plays tricks on them that means reality is sneaking in. Like I said before; masked psychotics. Their minds are mutilated. Hell, I wouldn’t expect my arm to function normally if I continually took a baseball bat to it and broke the bones. That’s what narcissists do to their brains – self- inflicted mental abuse.
The malignant narcissist is at war with reality 24-7, and at some point their arsenal of mental defense mechanisms becomes so depleted that they must shovel faster to dig themselves out of the black hole of lies they’ve dug themselves into. So, what happens is they go deeper and deeper into the hole to run from the truth. Consider what they would have to confront in themselves if they let reality in? Hell to the no! Malignant narcissists, as bat shit as they are, are incredibly willful and there is no way in hell they will ever face such a reality about themselves. They would rather die than stop abusing their minds. They would rather die than let the bright light of truth shed light on their dark souls. Going mad is the ultimate break with reality. Madness is a kind of death. Madness is the malignant narcissist’s preferred choice over reality. Lunacy is their safe place. They would rather die than admit to themselves who they are. Their deep hole of lies becomes a dark tunnel that takes them farther and farther away from reality and morality and closer to insanity. Sorry, I’m not jumping into the malignant narcissist family rabbit hole where black is white and lies are truth and bad is good.
As a wise person once said to me, “Stay away from your family. They’re not lucky for you. They’re crazy just not confined.”
The malignant narcissist is crazy but not confined. So don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because the malignant narcissist is not having animated conversations with herself on a park bench and swatting imaginary flies that she is not insane. Take the malignant narcissist’s control away and watch the mask slip and crash to the ground.
Malignant narcissists exist to control everyone who orbits around them. They see themselves as Kings and Queens lording over a mini Kingdom perched above in their ivory tower. These creatures “blend-in” with society and roam the world untouched because they are stuffed like pigs with narcissistic supply and their mask is firmly in place. But what would happen if all their little minions and flying monkeys defected, and proclaimed their independence? What would happen if the narcissist’s sycophants rose-up and yelled, “Fuck you! You’re not the boss of me! I’m outta here!” What would happen if the malignant narcissist lost all control and was abandoned completely? I believe their internal world would become indistinguishable from their external world. In others words, they would no longer be able to mask their psychosis and their mental disturbance would quickly be revealed for all to see.
Losing control of their narrative is agony to a malignant narcissist because malignant narcissism is all about control. If others don’t behave the way they need them to, they go out of their minds. It’s like chopping off all their limbs. It’s like psychological castration. Malignant narcissists are psychologically dependent on others to validate their lies. Feeling in control of the world and everyone and everything in it is imperative to the narcissist’s survival. The further along the continuum they are, the more this holds true. Without absolute control over their work of fiction the malignant narcissist’s actual mental state is revealed. Here’s a little tip: if you want to prove to the world that the malignant narcissist is bat shit crazy, take away some of their control. But be prepared to feel their wrath. When the malignant narcissist loses an inch of control they strike out violently. Sometimes, and I wish this happened more often, they turn the violence on themselves and commit suicide. But the bat shit crazy, evil malignant narcissist isn’t offing themselves out of a sense of guilt or shame. They are ending their lives because it’s the only thing left that they have any control over. Without a pathological sense of control over others, the malignant narcissist feels completely empty inside and has nothing to distract them from all their repressed thoughts and feelings.
Take for example the story of a malignant narcissist who brutalized, abused and tormented her sister her entire life. She successfully lodged a smear campaign against her innocent sister, assassinated her character all over town and brought her career to ruin. The malignant narcissist did not stop there. Once she had laid enough road blocks so her innocent sister could not find employment and earn an income, she hatched a plan to make sure she had no future financial security on which to rely. This particular malignant narcissist took absolute control over their aging father and his estate, kept him isolated and blocked the innocent sister (the man’s other daughter) from communicating with him. She swindled the old man while he was still alive and had her innocent sister disinherited after his death. The malignant narcissist sister went out of her way to drive her innocent sister to suicide. It didn’t work. The innocent sister prevailed and went on with her life. This drove the malignant narcissist so crazy that she killed her innocent sister.
It would appear the evil malignant narcissist got it all. She controlled everyone and everything, got all the money, all the property, got away with murder and even got her hands on her dead sister’s estate. Her ordinary life as a school teacher went on as usual. She should be as happy as a lark, right? Nope. 5 years after she killed her sister, she offed herself on the anniversary of her sister’s death. Her pathological greed, and malicious need to have it all meant that she couldn’t even allow her sister to have that date as her death – she had to take that away from her too. In the end this malignant narcissist checked-out because there was no one and nothing left to control. She had nothing to live for. There was nothing to fill that empty void within her. There was nothing left to dodge the demon at the door. She would rather die than live a life confronted by the reality of her true self. If that isn't the behavior of a highly psychotic individual, I don't know what is.
The moral of the story: malignant narcissists go through life clinging to their obsessions of controlling and destroying others. And although their ruthless pursuit often achieves their desires (for example, bringing the object of their malicious envy to ruin), when all is said and done, these desires, these obsessions, ultimately destroy the narcissist. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
If the malignant narcissist in unable to maintain their lies, they will face their mental or physical demise. Some bat shit narcissists take the route of psychological death, others opt for the whole shebang – total annihilation.
The malignant narcissist’s mask of sanity may often appear to be held firmly in place, but in reality it is hanging by a thread, a very thin thread. They are completely dependent on narcissistic supply, and without sufficient supply to maintain their life of lies, the cracks in their mask widen. These freaks are highly disturbed and a hair line trigger away from going full on psycho.
Ever wonder why the number one projection directed at the target of narcissists is that she is mentally ill? It’s not just to destroy her credibility so no one will believe her when she exposes the truth about her abusers. That’s called lying and slander. Projection is different. Projection is when the narcissist takes the things she detests about herself and calls it you.
Do you think on some level the malignant narcissist knows she’s crazy? I do. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the most violently mentally ill malignant narcissists that I have come across were all hell bent on painting me around town as mentally ill. In fact, it became an obsession for these malignant narcissists to smear me as mentally ill. They went out of their way to do it, and even broke the law in the process. Do you think it’s a coincidence that I observed each of them having conversations with themselves, just like the lady on the bench? I don’t. Methinks they doth protest too much. Methinks they are bat shit crazy. That is to say, I believe their minds are so warped that they probably hear voices and hallucinate. The most vicious malignant narcissists are always the most paranoid too. In many ways, the mind-set of the malignant narcissist resembles that of a schizophrenic. This makes sense considering their lack of solid contact with reality.
Projection/denial/delusions are all a form of lying, but the person being lied to is the narcissist. The narcissist lies to the narcissist. The narcissist can project whatever the hell she wants onto you, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe it. The narcissist can burrow so deep into denial she ends up in Middle-earth, but that doesn’t mean you have to travel there. The narcissist can delude herself into believing she is a superior being, but that doesn’t mean you have to share her delusions. The narcissist has a love affair with lies and a generalized disdain for reality because reality does not support her false selves. Don't validate her lies. Choose truth = reality.
And know this: though nothing will ever come between malignant narcissists and their lies, take comfort in the fact that it is their lies that will ultimately be the death of them.