Saturday, 28 May 2016

How To Bring Down A Malignant Narcissist

Addicts do really stupid and reckless things to get a fix of their drug. Picture if you will the high out of his mind meth head who thinks he can get away with hitching a portable ATM to the back of his truck and dragging it down a busy street in broad daylight. Did he ever stop to consider how he will get the money out of the machine? Narcissists are no different. They do really stupid and reckless things without any consideration of the consequences just to get a hit of narcissistic supply. Think of the husband who cheats on his wife with not one but six other women. Oy vey! The lies, the planning, the manipulation, the acting, the sheer logistics is mind boggling, but this asshole believes he can pull it off. Wrong. Like the ridiculous meth head, the ridiculous narc head will get busted, and if he’s famous, a public shaming will ensue. Just like the meth head’s stupid criminal stunt will go viral with a catchy Auto Tune like – “We eat ribs with this dude, and we didn’t have a clue that the girl was in that house….. DEAD GIVEAWAY

You can use the narcissist’s addiction and their grandiose delusions of invincibility (aka STUPIDITY) to control them, manipulate them, and steer them down a path of legal problems, criminal charges, financial troubles, social shunning, paranoia, reclusion, mental illness, or all of the above. You can use the narcissist’s addiction, in all it's various manifestations, to expose them and bring them down. You can turn the tables on the narcissist. Are you game?  

Perhaps you think this sounds too far-fetched? Or way too much effort? Or, maybe even a little psychopathic? Maybe. But I think I will take a stab at it anyway. And as for it sounding psychopathic, well, if you’re feeling even a smidgen of empathy for a malignant narcissist, they’ve already got you beat.

I watched the first episode of the British crime drama Luther because the plot revolved around a character named Alice Morgan who is a malignant narcissist/sociopath. Having a sister who is a malignant narcissist/sociopath, I was curious to see how the disorder was depicted on screen.   

30 something Alice Morgan was a child prodigy who enrolled in Oxford University at age 13. She received her Ph.D. in Astrophysics at age 18, for her study of dark matter distribution in disc galaxies. Alice is a genius, as well as a sociopath and malignant narcissist. She states that she felt as though she was a freak growing up, and hated her parents. Sound familiar? For those of you who have seen Gone Girl one can certainly draw parallels between Luther’s Alice Morgan and Gone Girl’s Amazing Amy. Both of these malignant narcissist/sociopaths are portrayed as child prodigies and dazzling dark souls with over-the-top Machiavellian brilliance.  They are also both homicidal maniacs that get away with elaborate murder schemes. 

Geesh, how I wish a malignant narcissist would be depicted in a realistic way. You know, make her a low-functioning hoarder who never leaves her cluttered lair because she’s paranoid and delusional. We could see her operating her “control room” of evil surrounded by boxes, junk, various busted-up electronics and numerous TV screens that display video surveillance covering every corner of her condo inside and out. She’s perched in front of two long tables where she has set-up multiple computers, phones and fax machines. On one screen she cyber stalks her sister, on another screen she checks her elderly father’s financial investments, while on another computer she transfers money from his bank accounts to her own, and then angrily taps away at a keyboard  composing a “poor me… I’m such a good person” email, and on yet another computer she browses the Apple Store and greedily selects item after item to purchase using her weak and vulnerable father’s VISA card. She does all this while spewing nasty gossip and complaining about her ill father over the telephone to her equally malignant mother. In between her slime and malign fest with her mother, the multi-tasking malignant narcissist barks orders over a cellphone speaker, commanding her Flying Monkey to swoop in and take whatever he can from her ailing father’s home. On another cell phone she texts outrageous lies to her brother about assorted family members, while sending an I LOVE YOU!! Fax to her lonely and isolated father, followed by a demand list of all the possessions she wants from him. After she hangs-up the phone with her evil mother, she looks over at the computer screen where she is cyber stalking her sister and becomes red-faced and infuriated. She huffs and screams and smacks the computer monitor sending it crashing to the ground. Still fuming, the malignant narcissist dials 911 and calmly asks for the police to do a “wellness check” on her sister because she is “concerned” about her. The malignant narcissist states her sister is mentally ill and just threatened her. She does this while gazing at her distorted reflection in all the various monitors and mouthing the words, “You’re brilliant.”     

But I digress.  Back to Alice Morgan. She hates her parents so she kills them… and their dog too. One bullet in mom’s head, one bullet in dad’s head, and 4 bullets to blow-away the dog so she can hide the murder weapon in its gaping carcass. Alice thinks she’s so damn clever. She even fake cries. But Detective John Luther is no fool. He’s on to the crazy bitch the moment he begins her interrogation. Alice is as cool as a cucumber but claims to be SO tired from the incident - her parents being shot dead in cold blood and all. Luther consoles her a bit, saying it’s natural that she’s fatigued because she’s just been through a very traumatic experience. Then he lets out a big over-the-top yawn, and Alice just sits there calmly with perfect posture and her hands crossed on the table. Luther knows right there and then that she is what he suspected – A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. The way Luther sees it, yawns are contagious and because she didn’t yawn back that means she has no empathy. Yeah, that and she’s a liar. That bitch is not tired. She’s pumped-up on an intoxicating power high.

Typical of crime shows with a tormented brilliant detective and an empty brilliant psycho, a game of cat and mouse ensues. Alice knows that Luther knows that she killed her parents. And Luther knows that Alice knows he knows. But Alice also knows that Luther can’t prove it. And this makes Alice damn proud of herself because getting away with murder is a sign of prestige and self-affirmation that she is so clever, so cunning, so superior, and SO untouchable.

Well, we’ll see about that. Alice and Luther have one psychological show-down after the other and at one point Luther says to the gloating Alice:

“Your compulsions make you weak in ways you can’t see or understand.
Your compulsions will bring you down.”

Boom! Dude nailed it! And THAT my gentle readers (I mean fighting machines) is what I want to discuss in this blog post. But before I do, I want to mention something else. As I was watching Luther and observing the character of Alice, it struck me how often I forget that malignant narcissists are not like us. They look like us, they mimic us, but inside they are very different. They never have and never will experience love and all the good stuff that comes with it. This lack makes them empty to the core. They are ice-people and they do not bond with, or feel any sense of attachment to the human race – not their children, spouse, best friend or neighbor. Yes, they can fake it. They have to in order to blend-in. Yes, they can be dependent. But dependence is not love. The narcissist doesn’t give a damn about love. How can you desire something you’ve never had? 

Malignant narcissists view humanity with contempt because they see themselves as superior beings liberated from the burden of love and all the “perceived” weaknesses that spring from it. They truly believe their deficit gives them the upper hand in life, and in many ways it does. When most of us feel good about helping others and shame at betraying them, there’s a lot of room for successful predation. But the deficit also makes for a life plagued with crushing boredom and an inner emptiness that needs to be filled. 

My point is narcissists and especially malignant narcissists are driven by entirely different motives than the rest of us. You cannot figure them out, predict their moves, or bring them down by projecting your normal human behavior and emotions onto them. They lack the very things that define the “human” experience – they have very bleak inner lives. As a result, they are hungry and restless and constantly on the prowl to fill their inner emptiness and alleviate boredom. It's time to pull back the curtain of their control rooms and figure what makes them tick and ultimately implode.

How does the malignant narcissist satiate their hunger, the big black hole, the endless void? They can't fill themselves up emotionally the way we normal people do, so they try to fill the dark chasm through their compulsions to control, dominate, exploit and win at all costs. And remember what Luther said: The malignant narcissist’s compulsions make them weak. Weak in ways they can’t see or understand.   

I ended my last post When To Fight Back Against The Malignant Narcissist with the questions: How do you fight back when a malignant narcissist is hell-bent on destroying you? Notice I didn’t ask how to “stop” a narcissist. That’s because I don’t know how to stop them, short of having them locked-up in jail or a psychiatric institution; I know they will NEVER stop. If you have ever tried asking a malignant narcissist to stop, you will have learned the hard way that this makes them do it all the more. From my experience, malignant narcissists gets worse when you try to confront them, hold them accountable, defend yourself and fight back. That’s not to say, you shouldn’t fight back – you should! In fact, you should always use any means necessary to protect and defend yourself against abuse. Just keep in mind that malignant narcissists are crazy drug-fueled addicts. The way they see it, life is a war of control over a precious commodity known as narcissistic supply. All channels of this drug must flow to them. The evil drug lords think they own the market so they make all the rules. Not giving in to their exploits and corruption, in their twisted minds, is a crime against them! In this drug war the narcissist is entitled to launch any attack necessary to get a stash of the good stuff. You get none. In fact, they expect you to submit, run for cover, duck and hide, live in fear, end up maimed, seriously injured, neutralized or dead.  

Look at it from their perspective: if the malignant narcissist did stop trampling anyone who got in their way, they would be terrified of retaliation from those they have wronged. They violate others so maliciously that they desperately hold on to their power at all costs. They cling to this power because they are playing for high stakes – possessive control of people, families, fortunes, property, businesses or entire nations. Malignant narcissists literally play for life and death. They go all the way to the end over the big things and the small. And once the malignant narcissist has begun to defy the law, morality, and common decency, there is almost no way they can stop. They don’t want to stop. They are in it too deeply, and hooked on the glorious power rush they get from exploiting and destroying, or as they see it - WINNING. Unlike your typical addict, malignant narcissists have NO rock bottom. 

So malignant narcissists are unstoppable. That’s pretty scary, right? I know in my case, the malignant narcissist sister and mother will never stop trying to destroy me. I have not seen the MN mother in over 26 years and she found a way to get to me, to hurt me – she got her evil MN daughter to have so much power over her ex-husband (my dad) that she now possesses him. The evil bitch and her evil daughter are trying to destroy me through a man who no longer belongs to himself and is simply carrying-out the will of the malignant narcissist mother/daughter team. Predators never stop preying. And the war rages on. 

HOWEVER, not being able to stop IS the malignant narcissist’s weakness. Remember what Luther said? Their compulsions make them weak and their compulsions bring them down. Malignant narcissist’s are out of touch with reality, especially the reality of their power. The irony is, the more delusional they are about their invincibility, the more over extended and reckless they become. But the narcissist can’t see this because they are knee deep in it. Look at it this way: the only thing stopping a runaway freight train is for it to fly off the rails and crash and burn. Would you expect a runaway freight train to stop just because there is a person on the tracks? Don’t expect a malignant narcissist to “stop” just because people are getting hurt. Ha! Destruction fuels their compulsions. They are always chasing the rush of their biggest high.

What is a “compulsion”? It’s an uncontrollable urge – an addiction. Having no control over their predatory urges means that malignant narcissists are a slave to their addiction. If you are a slave to anything, anything – that means you are controlled by it. The malignant narcissist will never see this or understand this because they view themselves as superior beings who are not only in control of themselves, but the entire world and everything in it. Their irrational belief in their invincibility and their blindness about the compulsions that control them make them stupid and weak and this is how you can bring them down.

Yes, malignant narcissists are free from the constraints of love, empathy, decency, honesty, shame, remorse, a conscience etc., and these deficits appear to give them a lot of self-control and self-control usually translates into power. But it’s not real self-control or true power. It is the application of lies and manipulation to score a fix. Any addict will become a practiced liar and manipulator over time. And like any addict, malignant narcissists do really stupid and reckless things to get their supply. Their compulsions make them weak, and we can exploit those weaknesses to our advantage. But first, in order not to end up prey, you need to understand the mindset of this predator and how they view us.

What do you do with your life when you are agonizingly empty inside and excruciatingly bored with a ravenous hunger that needs to be fed? To fill the void, satiate the appetite and alleviate the boredom you turn life into a game and people into chess pieces. So what’s the game? Exploitation is the name of the game and you’re it! Predators need prey. Parasites need hosts. Chess boards need pieces.

Exploitation is the most powerful signifier of malignant narcissism. If you want to know how dangerous someone is then beware their response or pattern of responses to your vulnerabilities. How someone responds to vulnerability indicates empathy, or exploitation. Malignant narcissists respond to vulnerability the way a junkie responds to a shot of smack – they have ZERO control over their urges. They gotta do it. They gotta get that high. It’s no surprise that when I have been at my most vulnerable in life the malignant narcissist sister couldn’t resist taking advantage of my predicament and inflicting more harm. It’s no coincidence that the malignant narcissist sister is exploiting our sick and helpless father. Again, it is how someone responds to vulnerability that tells you who they are.

Malignant narcissists are by definition exploiters. Their compulsion for narcissistic supply = exploitation = fraud. Like I said before, malignant narcissists do not have true power or true self control. They get their drug fix through lies and manipulation – fraud. You know that line in It’s a Wonderful Life – “every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings”? Well, “every time a narc gets high a person is exploited.” All that matters to the malignant narcissist is their perceived gain and greedy satisfaction. There is absolute indifference to the loss, damage and suffering to others resulting from the malignant narcissist’s shockingly callous exploits.

Malignant narcissists do not like us. Malignant narcissists do not respect us. The only thing they feel toward us is contempt. They truly believe that they are superior beings and we are mere “items”, “things”, “its” to be used for their selfish gratification. This condescending attitude is conveyed either covertly or overtly in every interaction with a narcissist. 

The malignant narcissist lives in a world where others are the ultimate objects to jerk around, toy with, menace, steal from, control, dominate and generally entertain themselves. Hurting people is fun. It makes them feel drunk with power. In this game of life, this world they live in, the malignant narcissist believes they can do pretty much anything they want to anyone, while enjoying, if not relishing immunity from accountability. By relentlessly exercising their power over others, narcissists convince themselves that human limitations do not apply to them. Given that no one has stopped them before, they find it impossible to believe that they are not invincible. And because no one has stopped them before, there is no reason to believe they will be stopped now. It must be one of the headiest drug highs to be so convinced of your invincibility that you can brazenly pull off shit that other people would simply find too risky and too shameful to consider. It’s a mindset steeped in a profoundly, grandiose sense of omnipotence; a mindset that leaves the malignant narcissist feeling empowered and at liberty to crush others to get their way and do so without worry and constraint.

Because malignant narcissists have no control over their addiction to narc supply and no capacity for self-restraint, they begin to play god/Wizard of Oz in more outrageous ways for even just a momentary fix. This temporary fix = confirmation of their absolute power. Since continuous power is the only thing that matters to them they will sacrifice anyone or anything to hold on to it – that means you. Their compulsion to sacrifice anyone and everything to hold on to their power makes for staggering audacity and their behavior becomes more absurd and obscene. Ironically, refusing to back down when backing down is the smartest move to make, and stubbornly clinging to whatever power they believe they have by carrying-out even more outrageously cruel and malicious acts is precisely what makes the malignant narcissist vulnerable. It’s at this point that the malignant narcissist’s mask of sanity begins to unravel and they are nakedly insane for all the world to see. I have learned there is no reasoning with the insane, but you can give the insane enough rope to hang themselves. Believe me, even these delusional fuckers know on some level that they can’t hold-out forever against the force amassed against them by truth and reality, but there’s nothing stopping them from attempting to destroy everything they can before they crash and burn.

Daring to run interference on a malignant narcissist’s unchecked power, control, greed, abuse, exploitation, lies, etc. etc. will definitely make them worse. They are vindictive mother fuckers and they react to anyone challenging their delusions of superiority by becoming even more crazed and ruthless. BUT, and this is a big but (no pun intended), defending yourself and fighting back makes them worse mentally. And it’s the malignant narcissist’s deteriorating mental health that makes them vulnerable.  

THE VERY ACT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF-DEFENSE : refusing to have your sense of reality eroded by the narcissist’s relentless gaslighting and devious deceptions; refusing to be disarmed and disoriented even slightly by the narcissist’s shocking assertions of entitlement and jaw-dropping callousness; refusing to have your attention arrested and your emotions toyed with through the narcissist's sneaky pity-ploys and diversion and intimidation tactics; and refusing to be threatened by the malignant narcissist's state of murderous rage - your refusal to be "gamed" by the narcissist will torment and frustrate them and advance their mental deterioration. Even the thought of not getting their way or losing an ounce of control can make a malignant narcissist go berserk. As for new predators; they will learn you are not easy prey and go find someone else to mess with. Good riddance!

Absolute power corrupts absolutely - this includes the mind.

Instead of trying to stop the crash of the runaway freight train, we should ask ourselves how can we speed up the crash and mitigate injury at the same time. How can WE exploit the narcissist’s weaknesses – audacity, recklessness, delusions, grandiosity, a pathological need for control and a predatory compulsion to exploit and dominate? How can an aggressive impulse to use and abuse others make the malignant narcissist weak in the first place? Because when they don't get their way then tend to feel anxious, threatened and paranoid, so they defend themselves against this anxiety by acting out and impulsively striking first in an attempt to destroy before they are destroyed. See what I'm getting at? There is no other ending for the malignant narcissist. They will always go too far and either get busted, burnt-out or go insane. So how are you going to make this human freight train derail? Yes, you can starve them and slow them down, but that's a long drawn-out kill. This post is about accelerating the malignant narcissist's inevitable demise. 

Before you answer, you need to ask yourself this: How do you expose a ruthlessly sadistic exploiter without becoming one yourself? Do you have to become ruthless to fight ruthlessness? Unjust to fight injustice? How far should you go to protect yourself from a predatory malignant narcissist/sociopath who destroys without remorse? Does doing things a narcissist would do, make you like them? I say NO! 

Why are you following the narcissist's rules in the first place? To drive home this point further: You cannot continue to do everything "right" by people who only do "wrong" by you in return. You either have to get away, as with no contact, or if there is something you must claim as your own, and dealing with them is a precursor to it, then you go in and do whatever you have to (within the boundaries of the law) and fight fire with fire! Unless you are simpleton, you do not respond to constant face-slapping with a smile.

So how do you fight fire with fire? I don’t have all the answers. You have to figure-out this stuff on your own. I’m just laying the groundwork and suggesting you change the state of play. Besides, I'm way more interested in hearing your ideas. So, before I bring this post to a close, here's another question to ponder:

Is the ability to destroy a reflection of real power? Who is more powerful, the person who destroys a city or the person who builds one?