Friday 1 July 2011

Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation


Something that I have always heard from the narcissists in my life – the so-called Nfriend – is, “You’re such a strong person.” This is met by me with a secret eye-roll.  Of course I’m strong. I have no other choice but to be strong. When you’re surrounded by narcissists there is absolutely no support. This is also a get out of jail free card for the narcissist. They can delude themselves into thinking they’re a good friend by offering nothing and taking everything because “You’re so strong.” It’s an excuse that the narcissist uses to justify withholding support of any kind because the sad fact is, they have none to give.  Narcissists are anti-supportive.  They are users. They are abusers. And they are always looking for ways to rationalize their cold-blooded reptilian existence.


It is impossible to have a reciprocal relationship with a non-human that lacks empathy and thinks only of themselves.  Anyone who has survived a family of narcissists and a world of the same with their sanity intact is “strong” by virtue of the fact they survived a life being exploited, neglected and abused.  

Being "strong" and surviving a lifetime of narcissistic abuse is fucking exhausting and it's what sends me into isolation.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I hate people.” But the truth is, I hate the people I’ve known – narcissists. Yes, I hate narcissists. I’m not going to mince words here. I loathe each and every one of them.  My indifference to them as people is a learned response that I gleaned from a lifetime of enduring their pathology. I don’t give a flying fig about any of them and I hope they know it. They taught me how NOT to care about them.

In brief, here’s what a relationship with a narcissist looks like for the non-narcissist:
·         Being rejected and denied value as a person
·         Being degraded and having your self-worth and dignity as a person diminished
·         Being exploited and used for the narcissist’s profit or advantage
·         Being terrorized by intimidation, control, coercion, and stalking
·         Being denied care, affection, and attention of any kind
·         Being dismissed, humiliated, manipulated, and belittled
·         Being violated by pathological envy, greed, and entitlement
·         Being plundered, pillaged and systematically destroyed

Narcissistic abuse tears at a person’s self-worth and manifests in social withdrawal, anxiety, fearfulness, depression, self-blame and self-destructive behaviour. It results in feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and powerlessness. Is it any wonder that my coping mechanism of choice has been to hide from a world of narcissists?

An unsupportive world of narcissists is all I’ve known. And that hard reality is by far the most difficult  thing to come to terms with about my narcissistic upbringing.  I despise them for brainwashing me and training me into accepting the same abuse from their kind.  This has done great damage to my life.  If the narcissists from my “family” were the only ones I’ve known, I wouldn’t be writing this Blog. It is a lifetime of enduring the cruelty of narcissists that has brought me here. And it hasn’t been easy.

If I added-up the months that I’ve isolated from a world of N ghouls it would amount to years. I’ve lost years hiding from the abuse of narcissists. By isolating, I was essentially protecting myself from harm.  And each and every time I gathered my resources, picked myself up and stepped back out into the N world, I have been knocked back down… each time harder than the last. I think the more one gets pounded down by narcissists, the more vulnerable one becomes and this attracts an even more vicious type of predator. Malignant narcissists are odious creatures that can instinctively sense victims who have been primed by their own kind.    

One does not get stronger by experiencing a world of unrelenting abuse. It’s a brutal cycle that causes unbearable shame and forces the victim to withdraw. The victims of narcissists - those so-called “strong people” - end up hating themselves for being reduced to a hostage of their pain and suffering while being forced to put up a brave front.  And the vile narcissist is able to walk away as if nothing has happened, and as far as they are concerned, nothing has. Like sharks, narcissists injure and kill cold-bloodedly and keep on moving. It is always others that suffer, NOT the narcissist.

Why do we isolate under duress? What else can we do? We are normal people who have been placed in a pervert’s warped world. We are normal people acting on normal human principles and having those principles play right into the narcissist’s perverted premises. We are right side up, the narcissist is upside down. Being in a family of narcissists; having relationships with narcissists; being surrounded by narcissists doesn't feel normal because it isn't normal to take abuse. It prompts us to fight or flee.  

I’ve fought back and believe me I have been condemned for it. Why does this always happen to you?! What did you do to them?! You're so confrontational! Your anger frightens me. Don’t be so difficult! You seem fine to me... it's over, move-on! You're strong... take the high road! Don't give them the satisfaction. Say nothing! Just take-it and act like it didn’t happen!

The merciless suppression by the rest of the world over the victim's efforts at self-defence is what really breaks us. Who is strong enough to withstand the abuse of the narcissists AND the jumping on our backs of everyone else who doesn’t want to hear about it because it makes them uncomfortable… So uncomfortable in fact, that they must minimize the reality of our experience and assign the cause of the abuse to the victim by way of blame and pathology. They jump on us for fighting back; they jump on us for causing it; they jump on us for complaining; and they jump on us for being depressed. So the callous bystanders pile on and do to us what the narcissist couldn't achieve - they break our back and crush what’s left of our most precious possession, our self-concept as a solid person.  And this is how we become exactly what everyone wants to label us because no one has a strong enough backbone to withstand all that abuse. We become demoralized and retreat into a state of withdrawal and isolation.

Those targeted by narcissists long to be HEARD, but they are universally abandoned when they go in search for help, support, care and understanding. No one will ever get "it” unless "it" happens to them. That’s why isolation - “fleeing” – is the safest way to recover from narcissistic abuse. It helps you avoid more abuse from a world of heartless bystanders who get irritated by your sad face and punish you for fighting back. 

Those that have experienced it need no explanation.

Those that have not experienced it there is no explanation. 

Any way you slice it, enduring narcissistic abuse is an isolating experience.  

79 comments:

  1. Hi, I would like to please contact you by email, please there's any email address I can reach you? Thank you!

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  2. I have been following your blogs for about a month now and I must say that I have never met someone with such a similar upbringing (family of narcissists) and keen understanding of this disorder. It's weird, after we hit our "bottom" we begin to realize how fuc*ed up these people are and how pathetic we are if we keep giving them what they want. It's not that we are pathetic, we just didn't know any better. We received "special training" from the day we were born. Sometimes, I'm surprised that it took me so damned long to figure it out and sometimes I'm surprised I'm even functional at all. I totally relate to being strong because you have to be. I've been known to say in anguish, I could be laying on the curb injured and bleeding, drooking with my tongue hanging out and these people are not going to "be there" for me. It is a sad dark place sometimes.

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    1. I have had the exact same feeling reading this excellent blog. I was caught dead in my tracks by the title to this one: you are so strong. That is the exact statement I got from my best friend since grade school who knows my N parents and N siblings, knows how impossible my responsibilities are as he has the same load to bear, knows I have zero support or help when I told them: I am at the point of total exhaustive breakdown. "you're strong!" It is a dismissal of what I said. My strength is not the topic, my weakness and my absolute need for help is the subject. It is sickening that people who are supposed to care do not, small wonder courts, police, judges, no one cares and there is NO help to end the never ending terrorism that is the malignant N's bottomless envy and targeting of you.

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    2. "no one cares" Exactly...I've always been on my own and will die that way. People only "care" when something is in it for them.

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  3. I was exclaiming "YES!" and "AAARGH!" as I was reading this post, and I'm actually not sure if it was out loud or inwardly.

    So very true. My only motto and goal for as long as I could remember was "be strong" and "endure everything without complaining". I'm just starting to complain and "whine" for the first time in my life, and people in real life are already shutting me up. Not everyone. Just some. My ILs most notably. They're uncomfortable and try to minimize everything.

    "The merciless suppression by the rest of the world over the victim's efforts at self-defence is what really breaks us. Who is strong enough to withstand the abuse of the narcissists AND the jumping on our backs of everyone else who doesn’t want to hear about it because it makes them uncomfortable… So uncomfortable in fact, that they must minimize the reality of our experience and assign the cause of the abuse to the victim by way of blame and pathology."

    So true! While I was silent, I was "just fine"; now that I'm speaking up, my ILs seem to think I'm the one with the problem - "because you seem so angry - maybe you need to talk to someone." Sure, I am considering therapy, on my own, but this makes it sound like I'm angry without a cause because of some causeless psychological problem, and my father's off the hook.

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  4. And if anyone else in our lives treated us with the tenth of evil that our "parents" did, we wouldn't only be listened to, we'd be encouraged to sue!

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  5. Cheshire, I totally relate to "the sad dark place." The reality is, if we have only had Ns in our life, then we are all alone. Period. It doesn't matter what dire straits we are in, no one is there for us. They really just don't care and people have a hard time wrapping their heads around that fact. It's a very simple truth that no one seems able to grasp.

    For me, it took so long to figure it out because the information wasn't out there. Whoever I turned to for help or guidance was ignorant or an abuser themselves. And when people can't understand something they just want it to go away. When I discovered malignant narcissism some 4 years ago, it was like finding the "Holy Grail." FINALLY everything made sense and it wasn't me, it was THEM. Despite putting-up with all these Ns, it didn't seem right, it didn't seem normal so I continually searched and searched for answers. I only wish the internet and Blogs were invented 20 years earlier. I was ready for the information, I just couldn't find it.

    I too, relate to your blog and what you write. And the more people I come across who truly "get it" the more validated and relieved I become. I think that's why blogging is such a valuable resource - it brings us in touch with those that need no explanation.

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    1. ive been the victim of a narcissit i started looking it up one day and i realized that my bf was exactally that. the more i read the more i was convinced and i told him one day tht he was a narcississt and he didnt know what the word ment so he looked it up and i saw the expression on his face (right before he flippedout on me) of recognition. like he knew that was him spot on. i went into a state of isolation and cud barley even come out of the bedroom when he was home with a friend but hated the bedroom b/c he'd cheated on me in there with multiple girls and my mom had just died and as soon as she did he went into attack mode and was relentless i had multiple nervous breakdowns and eventually our house was raided by police and i was freed from his world he d trapped me in and i slowly as time went on and the space between us gerw began to heal and feel good and normal and strong again but he got out of jail and was scared by my strenght but slowly he crept back in there and built a new world of manipulation for me to be his prisoner in and i slowly lost my strengh and good feelings and i cud see where i was headed but couldnt stop it and then he got arrested again but while he was out this time he played his cards very carefully and acted as tho hed changed and loved me but really it was just so that he cud get my loyalty back for when he went to jail again. he just had to put in a few months of "good bf" and then he of laid the track for when he went back so i wudnt move on and grow stong like i did last time

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    2. cali, it sounds like you've got his number and you know how dangerous he is to you. No good can ever come from an association with this guy. To free yourself from the abuse, you will need to go total NO CONTACT.

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  6. Pronoia, I hope oneday that mental and emotional abuse -like physical abuse- is a crime punishable by law. It would be one already if it wasn't so hard to prove. It seems society gives free reign to "parents" to inflict this type of abuse without any repercussions. If we had phsical evidence of their abuse they would be locked-up.

    The "You're so strong" thing really pisses me off. People get mad if you do anything that doesn't amount to acting like it didn't happen. And your anger becomes YOUR problem not the result of the abuse. Our anger is the natural outcome to emotional abuse just like a scar or bruise is to physical abuse. The abuser is responsible for our anger. Get off our F-ing backs, be gentle with us and let us heal because we are hurting just as badly as someone who has been physically battered.

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  7. Oh, and what's even more difficult to convey to a world of ignorant bystanders is that the sick narcissists not only don't care, they actually derive pleasure from our pain. How isolating is that?!

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  8. people can be cruel. and life can be so very painful.
    but i do find 'not having gone through the same thing' and 'people push away things they don't understand' to be very shabby excuses. in a way, i think everybody is/was abused at some point in their lives, in that something uncontrollable and painful was done to them. abuse i guess on a larger universal scale. i do believe that every life is filled with pain, from somewhere, somehow, something.
    it is the people walking around unaware of the pain, that is somewhere, somehow, inside them, from somewhere, that treat others so callously and blindly.
    i always believed that pain does bring people together. but it can be hard sometimes to express it, understand it, see it, welcome it, not feel down about it, not be ashamed of it. i guess maybe not exactly even just pain but the experience of it, we are together and coming from the same place.
    every life is filled with pain, who knows how, who knows why, who knows the details of every person's story, except them. and they should know. they have to know.
    it's me being in touch with the pain. it's seeing others being in touch with the pain. that is everything that i believe, and work towards.

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  9. Why is it so difficult for people to say, "It really sucks that that happened to you." They can't do that because they lack empathy. They are narcissists or they choose to be callous. They are looking for ways to make themselves feel better. They are thinking only of themselves. I don't care if they've been in pain or not. Or, if they're aware of their pain or not. People make a choice whether to be kind or not to be kind and it defines their character. They are, as a result of their choices - callous - they are no better than the narcissist. If you don't "understand" someone's pain simply say, "I'm sorry that happened to you" and leave it at that. Don't try to make the person who is hurting make YOU feel better.

    And guess who these same people coming running to when they are in pain? You. You know why? Because they know that you have experienced pain and will understand. They know that you experienced pain but they still chose to act callously toward you. They know exactly what they're doing. There's no excuse. They are self-centered, cowardly and of weak character... they behave no better than the narcissist.

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  10. LeGuin said it well:
    "It is our suffering that brings us together..."
    http://danny.oz.au/danny/quotes/leguin.html

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  11. "It is our suffering that brings us together..." I guess that's why there's specific support groups for specific kinds of suffering. Though I don't have to experience the loss of a child, or cancer etc. to be able to empathize with the suffering of those people. And there are a lot of happy, fortunate people out there who possess an abundance of empathy and understanding.

    Those that want to shut people up, shut them out, push them away, shun them, silence them, ignore them, dismiss them, blame them, or label them are doing that for their own sake. They don't want to be "involved". But they are involved. They have sided with the abuser. You don't need to experience the same kind of pain, abuse, tradegy, or insult to be able to empathize or show a simple act of kindness. Unless of course you're a narcissist.

    Anyone who shuts someone out while they go through pain, and then turns to them when THEY are in pain, means that they understood the suffering of that person in the first place but chose to neglect them. And these are the same people who say behind the victim's back, "Tsk, tsk. Oh she's had such a hard life. I feel so bad for her." Ya, they show thinly veiled empathy alright - through their smug attitude.

    We all identify with "pain" of some kind so there's no excuse for shutting some out who reaches out to you. It's a choice to be callous and judgemental and to add to someone's suffering.

    Live and let live. Let people experience their pain and if you don't understand it and can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all, and no further harm is done.

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  12. yes that's what i meant. we dont have to experience the 'same thing', in order to have empathy and not be judgmental. i am the same way, with the empathy. i do find everything else to be an excuse and alienating and quite frankly hard to understand. i do find most things to be universal. trying to stay true to this is difficult for me, but what i work on.
    yes, exactly.

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  13. I just heard a lecture and the speaker said, "Being is suffering... who we are in the face of suffering - ours, and others - defines our being."

    I really appreciate the comments, links and insights!

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  14. Hi Lisette-

    I just recently discovered your blog and hope you stay with it.
    For the past year and a half I have had the misfortune of sharing an apartment with a malignant narcissist roommate who has control of the apartment. Fortunately, I'll be leaving in two months.
    I've been helped immensely by the Internet. I already knew about sociopaths (who have a lot in common with narcissists) but did not know about malignant narcissist. What is striking is that once you hear them described there's no mistaking who is one. It's as if they were all the same person under different appearances and circumstances.
    I've also experienced the unbelievable lack of support from others. Burke said: "All that is needed for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." But are they good if they do nothing? This experience has definitively changed by view of human nature, which was not positive even before this.

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  15. Cynthia, Wow. A malignant narcissist roommate must be hell on earth! I lived in an apartment building under the rule of an old MN couple and the place was run like a prison camp. Talk about pathological control freaks. You could sniff out the fear and dysfunction within moments of being in the place. I'm glad you're leaving your apartment. Living under MN rule is no place you can call "home."

    It is uncanny how similiar MNs are. It's liberating to understand their pathology and know what you're up against and how to avoid them in the future.

    Lack of support from others with regards to the terror of MNs is so common. The MN is the consummate actor and lives an ordinary existence... plus their evil can be so diabolically subtle that people have a difficult time understanding it. Sadly, it really takes a full-on MN experience to truly get it.

    Good men have been doing nothing since the beginning of time and evil continues to prosper. Maybe if there was a universal acknowledgement of evil, instead of an idifference to it, good men would be forced to do something.

    I think it's our duty to spread the word on malignant narcissism any way we can.

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  16. GREAT post. I found myself nodding the whole time I was reading, which is something I do in person whenever I agree with what is being said aloud.

    "And they are always looking for ways to rationalize their coldblooded reptilian existence." I just did a post about a dream I had concerning my narc MIL - she was a shark, circling us beneath the waves of the ocean. Really scary, but that's what narcs are - sharks. They don't have the capacity to love or protect anyone but themselves. They are cold-blooded.

    Great post. Thanks!

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  17. Lisette - I think I have found more "healing" from people like you sharing your stories than from counselors who would not appeal to my intellect and tell me about NPD. Once I understood NPD, the fog started to clear and I began to "live" from the inside out.

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  18. Cheshire, Yes! "counselors who would not appeal to my intellect and tell me about NPD." I often thought they were intimidated by my understanding of behavior they couldn't fully explain. They all played the "blame" game on me. I recently met someone in a writing course who wrote about her N parents. I asked her how she found out about NPD, and she told me her therapist told her. I was blown away! If only I had come across a therapist like that. As I know for certain, a few knew all about NPD but likely were an N themselves or just too lazy to enlighten me. I got book recommendations - Without A Conscience, and People of the Lie, but no exploration of these concepts - AT ALL. They were incompetent, cop-outs! I gave-up on them. And I concur, hearing other's stories has been more healing, informative, validating and liberating than any book or apathetic therapist!

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  19. Our therapist also told us about NPD, and suggested that DH's NM might be a Narc. Once we started doing our research, it became SO CLEAR that she is a Narc.

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  20. I started searching for answers almost 20 years ago. It seems info on NPD may not have been as accesible back then as it is now. I just continued to have really lousy luck with therapists. It was easier to find a quality used vehicle from a shady auto dealer than a quality therapist.

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  21. Also... here in Canada, "psychiatry" is covered under our medical plan. So the referring family doctor just gets a name of a shrink off a list knowing nothing about them, and the horror ensues. The quacks really have no motivation to enlighten, educate, and help their patients. They seem to want to drag things out and continue to poach off the government. If psychiatry was privatized then they would have to work hard to maintain a reputation as a quality doctor. In other words, they can be really awful at what they do and still get paid. I've read many a horror stories about canuck shrinks on those doctor check-up sites that only recently became available in the last few years.

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  22. Your site brings up a lot of "me, too" stuff.

    My mother is a narcissist....out of 10 markers for narcissism, she shows 10...not the 5 that would detail her a narcissist...so I am there, too.

    The pain and suffering is enduring all through life. And the therapists? Most don't know their ass from a hole in the ground on NPD. I have tried for years to approach this issue, and repeatedly have been told by therapists that I AM PAYING...."She's your mother, you MUST love your mother."

    Yeah. Right.

    And here's a kicker. Almost three years ago I was involved with a cyberpath....a Canadian ass who was a narcissist but also a sadist...a sexual sadist. I was told..."get over him", just stop thinking of him...." and these very same people who said this, now are telling me their sob stories about how they can't get over...or walk away from their narcissists.

    Well, No Contact is the ONLY way to recover...if we can even recover what has been taken from us since childhood. We can't ever recover our childhood, but as adults we can and must walk away...No, run away from this abuse.

    I am an American, and this July Fourth, our Independence day....I declared my independence from my birth family....the Narcissist mother and the 'golden boys". It will be NC from here on out and there will be the best of reasons: my own sanity, health and self-worth recovering.

    It's not easy, because there are things that I will miss...but not much.

    Bess

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    1. For what it's worth, I was fortunate to find a great therapist - she helped save my life - no shit. I cut off contact with my narcissistic mother for over 2 years - had to for my survival - and most of my friends questioned how I could do such a thing. But I did - I put limits with my mother and made it very clear that she no longer had control over me. It was tiring, draining, but I pushed through. Today we do speak, but rarely and I have been able to detach myself from her continuous wrath - I tell her to stop or change the subject. If she doesn't, I end the conversation. She doesn't like it, but understands I decide now. I keep my distance and will for the rest of my life. And I don't feel any guilt about that anymore.

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  23. Hi Bess,
    I'm glad you declared your independence! Self-preservation should aways be priority number one.

    I agree that these therapists know sweet F-all when it comes to narcissism. Didn't they get it removed from the DSM? Probably because they're all narcissists and hate to see their pathology in print.

    People are abusive and instead of finding help, victims of emotional trauma are told to heal NOW. That's like telling a broken leg to heal NOW. We end up getting victimized again.

    A lot of therapy uses the Freudian model that uses pathology as its dominant scheme. So the emotionally abused are pathologized for their suffering, and instead of healing we are faced with: Hmm, you're in pain. Let's find what's wrong with YOU! It's a travesty of justice.

    The process of healing and de-traumatizing begins with validation. Being HEARD. There's no need to blame us by way of analysis.

    Very few understand the severity of emotional abuse, and that it is just not possible to make it go away NOW. Phsyical abuse would be easier to deal with.

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    1. You say so much in those few spare paragraphs, Lisette, and one phrase is profound: "the emotionally abused are pathologised for their suffering". (One dominant unstated purpose of the majority of the "officialised" mind healers: Let's Shut Up The Whistle Blowers).

      Many decades ago I did meet one "unofficial" counsellor - she had no letters after her name - she was middle-aged, she was thoughtful, she could perceive me, and she could draw me out to break my silence by insightful questions. She did not use my answers against me. She could bear my pain in the room without trying to label, explain or stifle it. At that time I was so unconscious as to the nature of my own experience that I pathologised my own pain. (I was at a stage of my life where I was the perfectly trained victim - the abusers abused me and I abused myself in turn; the abusers discounted my reality and I discounted my reality). So I met this woman, by chance, and she built a bridge of understanding between her essential humanity and mine. And that experience, of someone else perceiving my Pain for me, and sitting with the Pain WITH ME, and giving voice to the outrage for me, enabled the scales to fall from my eyes. At 34, I was not spiritually alone for the first time in my life. I saw, with a sudden panoramic view, that my painful broken state arose from the travesty of being 'parented' (ha) by evil people. I was flooded with reality, which shook me on every level - physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.

      The distinctive thing about our experience is that our emotional abuse is only part of our past suffering: we were abused on all of the four levels simultaneously.

      The encounter I describe did not mean I was "happily healed ever after" from that moment. It was the only the beginning, it opened the door, it created the awareness and validation which I needed to begin the journey. This woman let me momentarily see my own reality through the eyes of her soul.

      She didn't call them Malignant Narcs and I don't think she knew that terminology and neither did I. Intuitively she was able to sense the evil of what had happened to me. She knew that it wasn't my mind that was suffering or wrong, it was that my soul, which had been SYSTEMATICALLY isolated with terrible, unspeakable pain, diminishment and abuse.

      Physical abuse wasn't 'easier to deal with" because it too was part of a much larger whole. The MNs in my family went the whole hog, as the human pigs they were: physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, spiritual abuse, plus they were experts at neglect too. These were all aspects of the same campaign of degradation. At 34 I couldn't be heard because I couldn't form the thoughts or words about what had happened to me. So my validation began with being sensed, not heard. With being seen. With being "felt for". The multiplicity of abuse on all levels of human being is what is distinctive about the survivors of MN terrorism. They are terrorists in the true sense of the word, they intend to destroy by calculation and inspire terror in their targets.

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  24. yep i agree that therapists are pretty shitty at being therapeutic. do they teach doctors that poking their finger incessantly into your open leg wound will achieve the desired goal? most doctors are emotional asses too. so just go in, get your bandage, get out.
    emotional wound healing is not something they can teach you, at least not the way they're doing it now!
    physical abuse would be easier to deal with in that people will more readily react with shock and horror and "see" your wounds, and of course, your physical wounds would heal steadily and easily. if thats what you mean.
    but i'm pretty sure physical abuse comes attached at the hip with emotional abuse, right? and people would go right on being uncomfortable with the emotional aspects of it....which is the real and only wound.
    yeah, emotional abuse is a PAIN.
    because it's one thing to get a cut cause you fell off your bike. it's another thing entirely for someone to do it to you.
    what makes the difference?
    the EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
    jesus, once again, the horror!

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  25. Lisa, "do they teach doctors that poking their finger incessantly into your open wound will achieve the desired goal?" You made me laugh, but you summed it up perfectly!

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  26. I agree with the comments here that "emotional abuse" is grossly misunderstood. At least we have found each other. :)

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  27. Lisette, I would like to email you too. The voicelessness of being around Ns, is the worse of it. And I think emotional abuse affects are lifelong, I keep asking self, why years later haven't I put some of this stuff to rest and that after loads of therapy? One thing I would like to ask do victims of NPD parents sometimes move on to a life that ends up being more socially isolated then they would want. What I hate in this narcissistic society, is how much they tell you that it's your fault, the word "victim" even used as an insult, so people get to the place where sharing troubles or anything real is too dangerous and they are alone in a crowd of strangers.

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  28. Anonymous, you will find my email address in my profile. "About Me" on main page, click Lisette.

    I think emotional abuse effects are lifelong too. We have sore spots and when someone pokes them we hurt. We just need to be around safe people who don't want to poke us. I believe those people exist, though it's sometimes hard to believe if you've been surrounded by narcs.

    I don't know if victims of parental narcissistic abuse move on to more socially isolated lives than they would want. I hope not. But if, as an adult, you find youself surrounded by narcs and you get rid of all the riff raff, then you may find yourself alone and having to start to re-build a support system, social life etc. It certainly is more difficult to do this an adult. Sometimes it may seem easier to be alone, but I believe it's better to reach out and find safe people. It's difficult for everyone to find people that they can rely on and trust. Everyone has been betrayed and hurt. So, I think the human race has that in common. We just can't give-up on each other because of all the lousy narcs. Good people exist. I'm not going to let the narcs influence my life other than in an educational, story telling kind of way. Hell, I'm going to work towards a good simply out of spite. I'll be damned if I let the narcissists continue to effect me negatively. That's what they want. I refuse to give them the satisfaction.

    I've done everything I could to bring myself back to health and wholeness. Running, yoga, therapy, educating myself etc. But for me the most valuable resource is exploring my creativity. Story telling, writing, acting, painting, music etc. this stuff does wonders for the soul. It gets you in touch with your true self. The self that was pounded down by the narcissists. Everyone is different, but I believe victims of emotional abuse need to reclaim their selves in a personal way. That's just my 2 cents.

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  29. I have lived everything that you are talking about and feel the exact way. It's amazing how many of us are out there yet, we are still denyed our truth. You're right, no one really cares about it. That's probably because they are narcs themselves.

    Even preachers don't get it! A lot of them grew up with decent parents or ended up recongciling with them. They had happy endings we didn't.They tell you that you need to honor father and mother regardless of what they did or who they are. That we need to find something positive about nparents. It's there know it all attitude and self-righteous that blind them. The Bible is pretty clear when it talks about evil people. Evil people CAN be your parents. Why can't they understand this...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "They had they happy endings we didn't". They had the happy beginnings we didn't.

      I remember a discussion I had years ago with a catholic priest (who had been invited to leave the priesthood because of his dissenting views) - we discussed this "injunction to honour" parental abusers. His response was remarkable: he cited a chapter in the gospel of John which instucts those who find themselves "in a house where they are not honoured" to "shake the dust from their feet" - to leave and not grace that house with their presence again. We call that NC here, it's the same thing.

      Delete
  30. This post is exactly how I am feeling now. I recently went no contact with the evil that is my parents and brother. The worst part is that everyone wants me to just move on. If they were that bad it should be easy right? I have suspected a couple of these people to be narcissists before this and now I am certain. They are already trying to use me and prey on me at this vulnerable time. Isolating myself with just a few for support may be just what I need to feel better, slowly, when I am ready. Thank you for putting this information out there.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I've been giving this some thought for a while and I've come to the conclusion that the current state of affairs is more than a little absurd. These creatures (MNs, psychos, villains -- or w/e one wants to call them) are a very small minority of the human population. To add to the sick hilarity they are collectively and individually weak and decrepit parodies of life.

    So, I ask myself: Why are there so many groups and societies being tyrannized by their weakest members? Why the hell is humanity on the defensive?

    I've come to the conclusion that the problem is that our species has allowed itself to become domesticated to the point that we make ourselves easy prey for parasites and predation. Decent people need to become wiser and more street smart in this regard. They need to know that they have a natural enemy and be educated on how to defend themselves, and I think blogs like these are a big step towards accomplishing that. However, I think humanity's collective lack of awareness and naïveté is only half the issue. The other half is the proverbial elephant in the living room: Why the hell should these f*ckers be allowed to live? Seriously???


    The average person is decent and empathetic to a fault. They instinctively project their goodness onto all others to such an extent that even when face with pure f*cking evil the harshest response they have to is to either hide (i.e. separation) or try to put it in time out (incarceration). Such reactions are decent stopgap measures but they are not the solution.
    Even in forums like this one (filled with people who are pretty wise to the reality of evil and have experience firsthand the physical, mental, and spiritual toll taken by these anti-beings) I’ve seen this same pattern. Its mostly people taking a purely defensive mentality and thinking of MNs/psychos simply as *people* to be shunned and avoided rather than as *vermin* to be hunted and exterminated.

    Think about it. It’s fairly established that narcs are projection machines; virtually everything they think and do with regard to other living beings is a play-by-play commentary on their own state of being. Thru their projection they are telling us not only who they are and what they’re really thinking/”feeling”, they are also inadvertently cluing us in to how they should be handled: With pure unmitigated cruelty and malice on a level most decent folks can hardly fathom, let alone direct towards another living being. They should be toyed with, tormented, manipulated, subjugated, exploited and utterly destroyed.

    One mistreats a good person by treating them inhumanely; One mistreats an evil person by treating them humanely. Love, empathy, compassion and other positive virtues are invaluable and in-expendable facets of a meaningful existence but hatred, malice, & contempt have their place as well. These negative emotions are not to be simply soothed away but discharged and expressed toward appropriate objects -- i.e. beings who are less than worthless.

    It’s time for the field mouse to evolve into the mongoose and start preying on the f*cking snake. Existential justice.

    Just my 5 cents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "These creatures(MNs, psychos,villians-- or w/e one wants to call them) are a very small minority of the human population."

      Have to disagree with this. They are everywhere. Ask me how I know...

      Delete
  32. Kimani,
    I think the personality disordered should be viewed by society as a widespread mental, emotional and physical health issue. If you take a peek inside the families under MN rule, and trace the lives of its members you will find premature death, suicide, disease, addictions, divorce, debilitating depression and anxiety etc. Although these creatures are out in the world full-force, most of them maintain a "human" facade and reserve their hatred, malice, and contempt for those near and dear (family) that they can abuse on the sly. I don't think they should be allowed the privilege to create "families" or be given the freedom to maintain other positions in life where they have any authority over people (ie. small office settings to running large corporations, to countries and everything in between).

    The thing is, how do we detect them before it's too late? Unless the Evil are born with a scarlet E blazened on their forehead we have no way of knowing. They've adapted to society, and many of them "appear" to be model citizens. I don't consider the N members of my foo a danger to anyone outside their pathological space.

    Maybe if mental and emotional abuse becomes a crime punishable by law they may think twice before inflicting abuse, but it's hard to prove especially because Evil carries out its crimes on the sly and when there's hard evidence of the damage they've caused it's often too late for the victim, and the victim is tossed into another "system" and labelled the problem. Bullying, physical assaults, sexual harassment, rape, pedophilia - all these evil deeds are crimes, but that doesn't stop the predators. And there are cover-ups galore comitted by those who will be negatively impacted by the evil one's crimes. I remain suspicious of "closed systems" and "close environments."

    I believe in fighting back, and turning the tables on them, but it starts with education. Maybe if people can spot them, they won't marry them, or hire them, or go into business with them. Sadly, it seems to be one of those things that people don't really understand until they actually live it.

    Maybe one day we'll all be forced to take brain scans to see who's missing the empathy chunk. Until then, the angry villagers can rise-up and go after them with pitch forks and torches by way of spreading information. Which, if reached at a global level, might lead to widespread fear and paranoia and some kind of witch hunt. (ie. human rights violations).

    I don't know what the answer is... I do believe in an eye for an eye, but I also believe in not rattling the grizzly bear's cage, or poking it with a stick. They're different from us... they are dangerous predators (that's their nature) and at this point all we can do is make sure we all stay out of their reach. In other words, if an MN entered my life in some capacity, I wouldn't mess with it. I would just get the hell away from it so it doesn't have access to me to harm me. For example, I would not accept a job offer from a person, or organization that instinctively struck me as creepy, weird, dysfunctional or made me uncomfortable in any way. Once you're in their pathological space, you're living in the wild with the grizzlies.

    Just some thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  33. A friend and I have been having a long running debate on the issue of how best to deal with evil and the possibility of witchhunt blow-back has come up in our discussions before. Most of my friend's objections are on the grounds that fighting evil with malice just leads to one becoming evil themselves (I'm not sure I buy that) but I feel the witch hunt objection is his strongest argument and its one that gives me the most pause.

    He also brought up the fact that the paranoia whipped up by a witch hunt is the perfect environment for evil people to manipulate masses of people into committing atrocities themselves. I honestly don't have a strong counter to that argument. I think the core problem lies in the fact that, as a whole, our species is spiritually immature. The kind of people who are prone to bury their heads in the sand (or be outright oblivious) when a malignant is targeting an innocent in their midst are the very same ones who're most likely to get caught up in an irrational mob mentality. They also make up a very sizable portion of the population and -- truth be told -- are probably the reason why malignants can even survive in this world to begin with. The sad fact is that most people, who're otherwise very intelligent, are really undiscerning when it comes to identifying evil, let alone knowing how to deal with it rationally. I’m also coming to find as I get older that those very same people, while not necessarily evil, are pretty lousy themselves. I really don't mean that in a disparaging way; it’s just the naked truth of it (how many times have you observed otherwise decent people letting evil run rampant out of sheer cowardice and denial?). Honestly, I really don't know how to solve problem as that ball is in each individual person's court. =/

    On the other hand, I've noticed that some people seem to have a knack for identifying malignants even if it’s only at the level of a gut instinct. You've mentioned yourself that that on multiple occasions you could just sense the creepiness of certain people right off the bat. This shows that it IS possible to in some way intuit the quality of a person w/o necessarily knowing the details of their lives and I’m of the opinion that this is an ability that can be developed and honed (just don’t ask me how exactly to do that just yet lol).

    I think our best bet at this point is for people who *are* discerning to form their own community, of a sort, and pool together their knowledge, insights and experience to deal with issues as they come up on a case-by-case basis. Besides, I doubt there’s a onesize-fits-all solution to the sociopathogen problem and I’m personally more comfortable playing things by ear anyway. In any case, once we have a critical mass of aware and discerning people of good quality working together and coordinating their efforts the vermin won’t stand a chance. Even Shandy expressed her frustration to me that everytime she mentioned something about me to one of my friends I got wind of it. One can’t play divide and conquer tactics against a strongly cohesive community of quality people who truly care about, respect, and trust one another. Like I said before, humans should stop acting like sheep and mice and be more like the meerkat and the mongoose! ^__^

    ReplyDelete
  34. hi, i know this sounds a bit simplistic but maybe one tiny idea might be to keep putting the words malignant narcissism into letters to the press , both local and national and also on to newspapers online pages too. it might help spread the awareness of these evil pygmys and bring us all nearer to a critical mass. im from the uk and now and again MN crops up on the tv and the press. just remember to keep your real names secret as these scum trawl these pages too . god bless.

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  35. Hi Anonymous,
    Thank-you for your comment. Your suggestion is not simplistic or tiny in the least. I have yet to hear the words "malignant narcissist" creep across the TV screens in North America. I'm in Canada, and flooded with U.S. content and the word just doesn't exist. My favourite writer on the subject is the late, great (U.S. writer) Kathy Krajco who noted that the UK seems to be on the cutting edge of this stuff, and are implementing Robert Hare's psychopathy test to determine these predators. It's very interesting that the word "malignant narcissist" crops-up across the pond. It's a very good tip for those that may have some writing credibility to use the term... as well as, understand, what the hell it means. Also, we must always exercise caution, as these scum trawl these pages.

    Thanks for your input!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I just started reading a book today titled Political Ponerology:

    [ http://www.amazon.com/Political-Ponerology-Science-Adjusted-Purposes/dp/1897244258 ]

    Pretty interesting so far and it corroborates a lot of the information posted here except from a macrosocial perspective. Its written from the perspective of a scientist who survived some hellish ordeals in the communist bloc during the height of Soviet power. He and his colleagues basically came to the realization that their society had been taken over by psychopaths. The book explains how these creatures form power networks and demonstrates that the worst societal horrors of human history are the result of psychopaths getting organized to prey on populations en mass.


    That being said, I really don't trust mainstream media with disseminating this kind of information as they're sole driving purpose is to entertain and lull the public, not edify and empower it. The sobering truth is that, to this day, the major centers of social power are filled with the very creatures we want to warn the population against (sorry if I'm sounding like a paranoid 'conspiracy theorist' but thats what I see). IMO, its best to spread this information via grass roots channels and within social networks we're already a part of.


    P.S. Anonymous,
    I'm not particularly worried about using my real name on this forum. All the MNs I know are afraid of me and I don't find internet trolls to be particularly threatening. I'll be alright :)

    P.P.S
    In case, by some remote chance, a particular narc I DO know somehow stumbles across this blog I'd just like to say: What up? How's that personality cult coming along and did you manage to get yourself kicked out of that UN internship program? :P

    ReplyDelete
  37. Kimani,
    The book sounds like an interesting read. Thanks for sharing the link. IMO, many conspiracy theories seem to be just a heightened awareness of what may be swimming below the water lines of visible reality. I think it's healthy to question "authority" and be a free-thinker. You're right about mainstream media (owned by massive corporations)... it just dumbs us down to buy more junk and be a certain way so we all blend-in. Grass root channels and social media is the place to grow the movement to a size that mainstream can't ignore it. Of course, mainstream media (big brother) always makes the so-called radicals the story... not the cause their fighting for.

    A narc in a UN internship program? Sooo typical.

    ReplyDelete
  38. How do I protect myself from these monsters when I am such a neon green, flashing target? They are worse than criminals, worse than serial killers (at least they eventually put you out of your misery). I have to make a living, which means I have to go out into the world and work every day. And in doing so, it's a matter of about two seconds and the abuse has begun already, and of course, without my awareness no matter how many suits of armor I have on to protect my brain from the manipulation and abuse, I am never safe except in my own home, never answering the door or the phone and never leaving. They destroy my life completely, just like the Twin Towers, down to ground zero over and over and over again. I have to keep starting over from the bottom, never gaining any real stability, being constantly overworked, abused and talked about with the clever use of the "Power of Suggestion" so the minute that small mistake is made or that little tiny bit of self-doubt shows through, it's attack time and it is now confirmed what a weasel, no-good, back-stabbing, evil, worthless, incompetent, unproductive, pathetic, thieving, horrible person I am and what a saint and a God-send my co-worker is and as I'm sure you know, if you're even aware of the attack, anything you say in your defense will positively, without question make your situation worse every word you speak. From that point on it progessively worsens and your life is destroyed with no mercy, no second-thought, hell, never even a first thought! And the high they get is a high better than any drug known to man and they will do everything and anything to never lose that high. The more they destroy of you, the higher they get. The euphoric state they become in is so disturbing - it is so disturbing, and every little bit they force you to endure, gets them higher and higher and higher, so they keep on slowly torturing you, continually and not even until you break, no that's there que to kick you and turn the knife, sit back and enjoy it awhile, then turn it some more and kick you harder and many more times than before and so on. It's devastating over and over and I would really like to know how you stay clear of them when you have to go out in the world and earn a living (a measley one at that since you're constantly starting from the bottom over and over again)? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I bawled hard reading this blog! It is the first time in my life that I have ever read the TRUTH in indentifying ME in the torment and suffering I have literally endured with a very large malignant narcissistic FAMILY! I AM and always have been twisted, spun and made thee target(scapgoat)! It's gotten SO bad that I need OUT permanently if not only hoping to live any kind of good quality life WITH any happiness left, but if I'm ever to survive the unsurmountable cruel pain and horrific torment that has never stopped... as THEY are not only allowed to fly under the radar, but ACCEPTED without a word ever spoken about them TO them -ever! The family "BYstanders" FEED it! I thought it was "just" my cruelly evil family, until I found and came HERE! I am relieved to finally even have a name for what's been going on and identifying EXACTLY what's wrong with THEM... and the abuse I have been silenced, suffered and endured for YEARS because "they're family"! I must say that my mom was a beautiful mother, it was my father who was the nastiest of N's and obviously got passed on in my family! These people don't deserve the same AIR that most of us breathe... but they have theirs AND take ours... and worse, get away with it! I need much more info about empowering myself against MN's! If there were support groups for it like Alon, A.A.... I think that would be the only way to get the attention & help that victims of MN's really NEED and deserve to make it stop! Lord knows I could use it... well that is, if I weren't such a "strong person"! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      Welcome. I'm glad you found your way to this blog. Damn, the "strong person" label, right? Truth is, those of us who have endured the MN family insanity are strong people, but we've just never received support and validation for knowing what we know. That may be the cruelest part of being the MN family scapegoat... having no where to turn. People don't want to hear about it, they don't get it, and they don't want to even try. Besides, narcs are the consummate actors and they make it their life's work to brainwash their victim's into doubting their own reality. So there's great relief in FINALLY being able to name them, and to know that it's not us it's THEM.

      Those of us who refuse to remain silent any longer go no contact for good and leave them in the dust. It's the only way OUT for many of us. The MNs NEVER change, and they never accept responsibility for their actions or behaviour, so there's no reasoning with them. And you can't appeal to their sense of compassion because the sad truth is they don't have any... not for anyone. You either live by their rules of silence and obedience or don't live with them at all.

      I hope you find the information, support and validation you need here on this blog, and other sources. Knowledge about what makes these creatures tick truly is power, and it explains ALL the insanity that we endured in their sick and twisted system.

      Our support group is ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) and we're all over the internet. Maybe oneday we'll be able to meet in person in church basements, but until then the support and information is yours for the taking here on the net. Welcome fellow ACON!

      Delete
    2. "that may be the cruelest part of being the MN scapegoat...having no where to turn." Yes!!! This is so profound, Lisette.

      Delete
  40. Anon, I'd like to avoid them all but that's not possible. The world is a breeding ground for them.

    I have my guard up all of the time now and I don't trust anyone until I know who they really are. If they are narcs, the real person will eventually come out.It could take a week or many months.Some that have come across my path have shown their true colors within a day or two.

    Unfortunately the brief encounter with these idiots are unavoidable.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I think you have saved my life...It's like you cracked open my soul and all the pain and unacknowledged abuses just poured out onto the screen. 1000% profoundly accurate. Me and my children are currently being stalked by my sister and mothers friends (two women and her husband) on the elementary school grounds and they come to my home and follow me around town...They have recruited other women to help the cause...They even got a teller at my bank to hand over all my financial records...No one will help, they just tell me to shut up and put up...my mother said "there is nowhere you can go that I don't know about, we have people everywhere..." and then says 'why are you so paranoid! You need medication! You are a threat and the world needs to be protected from you!' my dad said 'I want what I want when I want it and I do not care the consequences to you, as long as I get the behaviour from you that I want, I don't care if your so broken up about it, that you go kill yourself over it. I'll still be happy because I got what I wanted from you!' Also, Lisette, my sister tried to kill me twice as a child by drowning...It became the family joke and they'd mock me for being upset about it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      I hope my blog has saved your life. Or at least alerted you to the fact that extremely disturbed and dangerous people have access to you! When I read your comment, I shuddered. You've got a dangerous sister, mother, father, PLUS your mother's flying monkeys are after you. From what you've written, it's almost like they're admitting to their crimes and damn proud of them. It's truly sickening! The only way out, is OUT! For good, NO CONTACT!

      It sounds (based on what you've written) that you are the scapegoat/family whipping pole for these sadists. I truly hope that you keep safe, and do everything in your power to remove yourself from their pathological space. If the bank tellers are committing crimes on their behalf (and it IS a crime to give-out financial information... AND stalking by anyone is also a crime) you either have a massive lawsuit on your hands... And/Or you wash your hands of these sick fucks and get far far away!!

      Please, PLEASE fight back! Gather your rescources, get information, speak to credible, knowedgeable attorneys who have experience with sociopaths (malignant narcissist is not a widely recongnized term) seek law enforcement, carry a camera and record and document EVERYTHING... do whatever it takes to build a case against them. In the mean time, I urge you to plan your escape. These sick freaks aren't worth one drop of your spit if they were engulfed in flames.

      Know this: there are other people, like yourself, who have experienced this kind of insanity and you are not alone. I hope you find this blog a safe haven, and find some sort of comfort in the fact that others - in situations like yours -have successfully gone NO CONTACT and have become free of malignant narcissist family members and their cohorts. It isn't easy, but it's by far your best option.

      I wish we could meet under different circumstances, but welcome fellow ACoN. The support and understanding is here for you.

      Delete
  42. Thank you for this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Your blog has been priceless in understanding my life which up until a few months ago I described as nothing short of a disaster. So many empowering changes have happened. One of he the high points happened when describing to a friend the pathology of those freaks and their use of proxy abusers. I said, "we call them flying monkeys". There was never a WE in my vocabulary, there was only me alone questioning my own sanity.I have also just became aware of how big of a threat I am to the Ns delusional world, they have gone in high gear with their isolating tactics. Finely my true calling has been reveled. No longer the family scapegoat more like the family nightmare. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  44. This post was extremely frightening to me, yet very valuable. Being in this situation is indeed so incredibly isolating. I've told a few people about what I'm going through being married to a narcissist. It just doesn't register. They say, "What do YOU have to be stressed out about?" Right. Since I live in a beautiful mountain range, I couldn't possibly have any stress in my life! (sarcasm)

    Years ago, when I was in my early twenties, (pre-internet days), I researched local therapists. I knew I needed to talk to someone about what my childhood had been like and how it was affecting me in early adulthood. Both of my parents are narcissists. I found a therapist who had an excellent reputation, and went to her for an initial consultation. After telling my life story to her, she stood up, put her nose in the air, and said, "Well, you might as well give me all your money right now. You'll never do anything without me!" This is a verbatim quote! I walked out and never went back. I think I was in a state of shock for a month.

    So, I'm afraid to tell anyone face to face what is happening to me in my marriage and what happened to me during my childhood. I'm glad the internet exists! Thank you so much for creating this blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a classic, bloodchilling example you give of the MNs in "therapeutic" settinds. You went there because at the time you were feeling pretty helpless and hopeless, and she seized on that to totally discount your being and replace it with utter dependency on her control.

      I'd like to storm into her office and take a whip to her, honestly.

      Delete
  45. Isolation. My older sister turned flying monkey. The chief N talked her into getting a dog. Not a big deal unless your severely allergic to dogs as I am. I thought my sister was just screwed up from contact with the family but it turns out she is a card carrying member of the cluster B society. Nothing happened between us and out of the blue she calls to tell me in the most sadistic tone imaginable that she is getting a dog and I can no longer visit.

    Not only me but the rest of my family as well.We live near a small creek and sometimes it floods, if the weather looks bad we would all go to her house until the warnings are cancelled. Not anymore.

    One can spin this a number of ways and mine out of habit is the positive way. The little dog has a home, that's good. The mask is off my sister and the grieving over her loss is done. No longer do I have to run to her aid to provide support of any kind. Her husband before he died asked me to watch out for her and because I was indebted to him and she my sister I agreed but now consider that debt payed in full with interest. Also I do take a perverse pleasure in the knowledge that I have the Narc so rattled that he is flinging dogs at me. What else can I say.

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  46. holy f-ing sh*t! I was raised by narcissist and psychopaths as well!! such a good article. I feel exactly the same way about my mother and father. They tortured me, so I feel nothing about the fact they are old and sick...I actually think it's funny ..my parents pain has no effect on me. well, I guess we have no bond. BTW my dumb-ass brother commited "suicide by cop". TRY to tell me there wasn't some bad parenting behind that one!!! lol..protect ur kiddos. they deserve it

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  47. I believe in NO CONTACT TOO.. I've had 3 therapist try to make me confront my abusers. I thankfully said "no!"...WTF!! is with this confront narcissist, abusers, addicts, predators....etc. WHAT is with this logic!! SURVIVORS get better when they are not being abused anymore!!! done

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    Replies
    1. Themorio,
      I don't understand that thread of logic either. I suppose these "therapists" are under the delusion that abusers are normal people and confronting them will some how lead to a resolution for the victim. A civilized connfrontation with a narcissist is an exercise in futility and will only bring the victim more pain and frustration. These psychos aren't worthy of confronation. Exposure is the only thing these monsters deserve.

      Delete
  48. My brother and I have only lived with our N mother for 5 yrs raised by a normal loving dad. In the last 8 months I confided in my bio brother ( moms scapegoat) that step dad was seriously inappropriate - he called the police I was taken to relatives while court proceeds. My NM is defending my step dad calling me the liar of course, it has gotten so bad that she has targeted my brother who now believes her tears and now says I'm a liar, he is failing school, got rid of his 2 yr girlfriend- I know I'm going to be okay but I am worried about my brother who has been so isolated and told to get rid of everyone in his life to hide the dirty skeletons - will he remember the truth of our last few yrs living in this home, will he remember that iam truthful once the abuser is sentenced, once all the lies become the truth?

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thank you for writing this. I read it and cried in empathy.

    I feel so alone as nobody seems to get it. I was brought up by a narcissist and then I married one.

    I only clicked at their mind games as time went on and I was able somehow to objectify the(multiple)situation/s to see what they were doing to me. They disgust me. They use and abuse whoever they can. They drained the life out of me.

    I do find it hard to get on as I watch them from afar and see that they don't suffer for what they have done. How perfect they think they are. They aren't human.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, is there any way you can stop watching them? Any contact at all, including information on the Ns is destructive. They NEVER suffer, that have no remorse. They will never be sorry for the way they treated you, they believe it's their right to harm others. In order to get the life back in you, you need a clean no contact from them. I hope this is possible for you: to begin restoring your SELF by going no contact all the way.

      Delete
  50. "I feel so alone as nobody seems to get it"

    I know how you feel, Anon. The only people who will ever get it are people like us.


    "I do find it hard to get on as I watch them from afar and see that they don't suffer for what they have done"

    This bothers me too...They move on with their lives and have no concern for the carnage they've left behind...They sleep well at night...these assh**** have no conscience.....

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  51. Hi Everyone,
    I-m relieved to read this as well, having suffered at the hands of a Narc mother for years and being told I was no good, unattractive, fat, etc etc you know the script. I fought back unknowingly and have now got a successful career and live abroad. I pursue a LC/ Low Contact relationship with her i.e. I only contact her when necessary and, as I am no longer good supply to her, she barely contacts me at all. I-m past caring what she does now as I-m gradually getting my self back and more importantly my self respect and inner strength. What has helped has been reading about the disorder on sites like this and The Path Forward, also practising Buddhism which has really helped to build up and calm my inner core, so badly damaged by years of abuse and put downs. I select my friends now rather than giving everything of myself away to please and, after two relationships with Narc men, I am beginning to attract the right types. Other people dont understand how bad the abuse is/ only if you have experienced their sadism and uncaring attitudes, can you truly understand the damage and hurt they perpetuate. Buddhism teaches that these people are very much dominated by their dark side so it is important to protect your own goodness. I-m getting there but it has taken many years and lots of unnecessary self doubt. Ive learned my lesson though/ value yourself and never let anyone, be it family or friends treat you badly or take advantage. Saying no, remaining firm, keeping yourself centred and focussed on the life you want are all important things here / and, above all, learning that your needs and life are just as important as anyone else-s.

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    1. Something the Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh said about the apparent pointlessness and no-win nature of suffering (ours): "Out of the gargage grows flowers". I would add that in order to grow them though, seeds of awareness need to be present, and that's what this blog so plentifully supplies.

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  52. "they are always looking for ways to rationalize their cold-blooded reptilian existence" ha ha ha

    my N mother and N grandmother both have the same blood group as the royal family, 0 negative,

    didnt lady Di describe her in laws as reptilian, coldblooded, lacking in empathy etc?

    Im sure there must be a connection somewhere ha ha!
    anybody else know their N moms bloodgroup?

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    1. What ever the blood type of the victim she happened to be feeding off at the moment.
      TW

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  53. I found your wonderful blog while continuing my research on Narcissism. Your life could have been mine. I was the scapegoat in a N family. I survived physically but have thought about suicide all my life. i have been in therapy all my adult life. I have withdrawn from the world after multiple interactions with bully narcissists at work over the last three decades. I now trust no one and am very fearful about having any kind of relationship.
    I don't know the answer to healing. I am so tired of living with this pain despite trying so hard to heal myself. I am so lonely but my fear of being abused is greater so I remain isolated. I would like to hear from anyone how to get over this impossible mountain.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I know what it's like to be sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I also understand your urge to isolate - it's a way to keep yourself safe and there's nothing wrong with that in the short term. But when isolation becomes a way of life that's when we can get stuck and it can become difficult to form any kind of relationships. It doesn't sound like therapy is working for you. No one should be in therapy all their adult life. Some therapists don't want their patients to get better. Maybe you should look for a new therapist, or try group therapy? With group therapy there would be social interactions in a safe, regulated environment and you could build on trusting people again. My main suggestion is baby steps. If you've been socially isolated for a while you shouldn't just thrust yourself out in to the world. I did that once and it back fired. I isolated after trauma, and figured I had wasted too much time so I suddenly emerged and did everything at once: new job, classes, volunteer work, new relationships etc., and I was overwhelmed. Being isolated is like being in the safety and comfort of a womb and you have to slowly ease yourself back into the world of people. Doing volunteer work a couple of hours a week in an area that interests you might lift your spirits and build your confidence. We all need people in our lives that give us positive regard. We ACONs never received love and support, or a sense of belonging and safety from the people who were supposed to be there for us, so we had to draw from our inner resources to find the strength and confidence just to survive. I believe it's important that ACONs receive positive regard from something outside ourselves - other people. The good news is, you are lonely. That means you are feeling something and longing for connections. But it's important to have confidence in your ability to discern who is safe and who is not. I hope you can find a good therapist to map out a route for you and build your trust in yourself first and foremost.... and remember baby steps. Yes, it IS impossible to get over a mountain, so instead of looking at it as a mountain, try seeing it as a series of city blocks, or country trails. It's possible to walk one city block each day. I'm no therapist, these are just suggestions and things that I also need to remind myself.

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    2. This was a great answer, Lisette.

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    3. Thank you, wallymarcel1. I appreciate that.

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    4. I think that when we isolate, THEY win. That's why it's important to keep pushing ourselves to be the people we would have been if not for them.

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    5. I agree, when we isolate, THEY win. The MNs intentionally shun us, ostracize us, and marginalize us. THEY don't want us to have a voice, or fit-in or belong anywhere. They want us to exist on the fringes without any social power or support system so we will be non-threatening and they can get away with their abuse. They want us to live a life without witnesses to their crimes. My MN family wants to push me out of existence. I used to unwittingly comply by moving away while in fight or flight mode, but now that I'm aware my reaction to abuse is an instinct to run, I wait till I calm down and stay put. I know that's exactly what the MNs want - for me to disappear. It all boils down to my MNM's mantra: "You have no right to live!" Isolating for too long is a way of reinforcing her destructive message that runs so deep, but in the short term it's a way to keep myself safe and re-energize before I go back "out there."

      We must fight the urge to isolate and like you said "keep pushing ourselves to be the people we would have been if not for them." We also need to be gentle with ourselves and be proud of the fact that we survived these monsters with our humanity intact. Being part of the world (on any level) really pisses-off the narcs, and if that fact alone can nudge someone out of isolation then GREAT. Sometimes I think I've lasted as long as I have simply to annoy my abusers. Anger can save lives.

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    6. Yes, I agree. And when we disappear into ourselves, it just makes them look more "special" -- their sole mission in life. Being bigger and better. Except they are not bigger and better. Simply put, they are just shit.

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  54. Hi Lisette
    Thank you for your warm and thoughtful response. You are right about so many things. My isolation has become a way of life to protect myself. I have been fearful all my life. I agree with you that I must take small steps to recovery. I have done anything but as I thought that I had to overcome my issues. I will follow your advice.
    I am working part time which is good. I have lost confidence in detecting those people who are good for me due to "gaslighting" by my family and others. I have a very good intuition about people but I tend to doubt it.
    I think you are doing a wonderful thing for so many of us and I would like to say how much I respect you and how grateful I am for your advice. Thanks so much!!
    I will try to remember to be easier on myself (not easy for me) and allow myself to take little steps.

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  55. Such condensed truth spoken in just one post. You give voice to exactly how I have been feeling for a lifetime. I wish I could copy-paste on my draft all of the points that you highlight in your blog and I want to remember, but hell, this one I want to read over and over and learn it by heart. A big f@ck you to every single d!ckhead who told me “Come on leave this all behind you now” as the first reaction I was served after revealing that my mother is a psychopathic freak of nature that mentally played me for 30 straight years, tried to feed me to a pedophile and meticulously programmed me into committing suicide for an entire life. And once I wake up and I am a shell of a person this is what I get… “just let it go”. Well, JUST f@ck the hell off morons.

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  56. "Just let it go." God, I hate that. I will never stop hating that phrase. It's the verbal equivalent of ripping out stitches on a fresh wound - really good for our mental and emotional health. I run like hell when I come across a "just let it go" person. What makes these people qualified to judge how we should respond to our own pain? Uttering those dismissive platitudes is proof positive they haven't a clue and should shut the fuck up. Anyone who lets those words fly out of their mouth needs to be humbled with a learning experience so severe that they end up with no choice but to understand.

    "Just let it go" = "Shut-up and go away you're making ME uncomfortable!"

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