Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation

Something that I have always heard from the narcissists in my life – the so-called Nfriend – is, “You’re such a strong person.” This is met by me with a secret eye-roll.  Of course I’m strong. I have no other choice but to be strong. When you’re surrounded by narcissists there is absolutely no support. This is also a get out of jail free card for the narcissist. They can delude themselves into thinking they’re a good friend by offering nothing and taking everything because “You’re so strong.” It’s an excuse that the narcissist uses to justify withholding support of any kind because the sad fact is, they have none to give.  Narcissists are anti-supportive.  They are users. They are abusers. And they are always looking for ways to rationalize their cold-blooded reptilian existence.

It is impossible to have a reciprocal relationship with a non-human that lacks empathy and thinks only of themselves.  Anyone who has survived a family of narcissists and a world of the same with their sanity intact is “strong” by virtue of the fact they survived a life being exploited, neglected and abused.  

Being "strong" and surviving a lifetime of narcissistic abuse is fucking exhausting and it's what sends me into isolation.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I hate people.” But the truth is, I hate the people I’ve known – narcissists. Yes, I hate narcissists. I’m not going to mince words here. I loathe each and every one of them.  My indifference to them as people is a learned response that I gleaned from a lifetime of enduring their pathology. I don’t give a flying fig about any of them and I hope they know it. They taught me how NOT to care about them.

In brief, here’s what a relationship with a narcissist looks like for the non-narcissist:

·         Being rejected and denied value as a person

·         Being degraded and having your self-worth and dignity as a person diminished

·         Being exploited and used for the narcissist’s profit or advantage

·         Being terrorized by intimidation, control, coercion, and stalking

·         Being denied care, affection, and attention of any kind

·         Being dismissed, humiliated, manipulated, and belittled

·         Being violated by pathological envy, greed, and entitlement

·         Being plundered, pillaged and systematically destroyed

Narcissistic abuse tears at a person’s self-worth and manifests in social withdrawal, anxiety, fearfulness, depression, self-blame and self-destructive behaviour. It results in feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and powerlessness. Is it any wonder that my coping mechanism of choice has been to hide from a world of narcissists?

An unsupportive world of narcissists is all I’ve known. And that hard reality is by far the most difficult  thing to come to terms with about my narcissistic upbringing.  I despise them for brainwashing me and training me into accepting the same abuse from their kind.  This has done great damage to my life.  If the narcissists from my “family” were the only ones I’ve known, I wouldn’t be writing this Blog. It is a lifetime of enduring the cruelty of narcissists that has brought me here. And it hasn’t been easy.

If I added-up the months that I’ve isolated from a world of N ghouls it would amount to years. I’ve lost years hiding from the abuse of narcissists. By isolating, I was essentially protecting myself from harm.  And each and every time I gathered my resources, picked myself up and stepped back out into the N world, I have been knocked back down… each time harder than the last. I think the more one gets pounded down by narcissists, the more vulnerable one becomes and this attracts an even more vicious type of predator. Malignant narcissists are odious creatures that can instinctively sense victims who have been primed by their own kind.    

One does not get stronger by experiencing a world of unrelenting abuse. It’s a brutal cycle that causes unbearable shame and forces the victim to withdraw. The victims of narcissists - those so-called “strong people” - end up hating themselves for being reduced to a hostage of their pain and suffering while being forced to put up a brave front.  And the vile narcissist is able to walk away as if nothing has happened, and as far as they are concerned, nothing has. Like sharks, narcissists injure and kill cold-bloodedly and keep on moving. It is always others that suffer, NOT the narcissist.

Why do we isolate under duress? What else can we do? We are normal people who have been placed in a pervert’s warped world. We are normal people acting on normal human principles and having those principles play right into the narcissist’s perverted premises. We are right side up, the narcissist is upside down. Being in a family of narcissists; having relationships with narcissists; being surrounded by narcissists doesn't feel normal because it isn't normal to take abuse. It prompts us to fight or flee.  

I’ve fought back and believe me I have been condemned for it. Why does this always happen to you?! What did you do to them?! You're so confrontational! Your anger frightens me. Don’t be so difficult! You seem fine to me... it's over, move-on! You're strong... take the high road! Don't give them the satisfaction. Say nothing! Just take-it and act like it didn’t happen!

The merciless suppression by the rest of the world over the victim's efforts at self-defence is what really breaks us. Who is strong enough to withstand the abuse of the narcissists AND the jumping on our backs of everyone else who doesn’t want to hear about it because it makes them uncomfortable… So uncomfortable in fact, that they must minimize the reality of our experience and assign the cause of the abuse to the victim by way of blame and pathology. They jump on us for fighting back; they jump on us for causing it; they jump on us for complaining; and they jump on us for being depressed. So the callous bystanders pile on and do to us what the narcissist couldn't achieve - they break our back and crush what’s left of our most precious possession, our self-concept as a solid person.  And this is how we become exactly what everyone wants to label us because no one has a strong enough backbone to withstand all that abuse. We become demoralized and retreat into a state of withdrawal and isolation.

Those targeted by narcissists long to be HEARD, but they are universally abandoned when they go in search for help, support, care and understanding. No one will ever get "it” unless "it" happens to them. That’s why isolation - “fleeing” – is the safest way to recover from narcissistic abuse. It helps you avoid more abuse from a world of heartless bystanders who get irritated by your sad face and punish you for fighting back. 

Those that have experienced it need no explanation.

Those that have not experienced it there is no explanation. 

Any way you slice it, enduring narcissistic abuse is an isolating experience.