Adult Children of Narcissists: You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

                                               You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart

This article by Andrew Vachss is a must read for Adult Children of Narcissists. As far as I'm concerned, it's one of the most important articles for those of us that endured severe emotional abuse at the hands of our parents, siblings and extended family. 

As an adult child of a cruel narcissist family, I sometimes feel universally abandoned (even with a blog about narcissistic abuse). And it's this article - You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart -  that I go back to time and again for validation. The article is a reminder that there are people out there that truly get it. That don't need explaining. That don't need convincing. They don't require a check list and a rating system to quantify and qualify the severity of our abuse. They just know. Emotional abuse is the cruelest and longest-lasting abuse of all. They understand that any abuse that diminishes an individual's sense of self is devastating and comes at a great cost. 

They also know that any form of "healing" or "cure" for emotional abuse is not available to purchase. The cure is carried within the survivor's own heart and soul. And only we know how to tap into our healing source. And we are free to do it in our own way and in our own time. Our hearts, our souls, our recovery, our terms. We hold the power to help ourselves. 


                                           You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart  

                                             by Andrew Vachss      www.vachss.com

I'm a lawyer with an unusual specialty. My clients are all children—damaged, hurting children who have been sexually assaulted, physically abused, starved, ignored, abandoned and every other lousy thing one human can do to another. People who know what I do always ask: "What is the worst case you ever handled?" When you're in a business where a baby who dies early may be the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy answer. But I have thought about it—I think about it every day. My answer is that, of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest–lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self–concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: "You're fat. You're stupid. You're ugly."

Emotional abuse can be as random as the fallout from a nuclear explosion. In matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the battlefield. I remember a young boy, barely into his teens, absently rubbing the fresh scars on his wrists. "It was the only way to make them all happy," he said. His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and each was demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.

Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: "You'll never be the success your brother was." Deliberate humiliation: "You're so stupid. I'm ashamed you're my son."

It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect—a sin of omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to a child that withholding it can cause a "failure to thrive" condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional abuse who have been designated as the family's "target child." The other children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the qualities every child will need as an adult—empathy, nurturing and protectiveness—they learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the cycle continues.

But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to "explain" the conduct of his abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self–blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will "just get over it" when they become adults.

That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And, like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated.

When it comes to damage, there is no real difference between physical, sexual and emotional abuse. All that distinguishes one from the other is the abuser's choice of weapons. I remember a woman, a grandmother whose abusers had long since died, telling me that time had not conquered her pain. "It wasn't just the incest," she said quietly. "It was that he didn't love me. If he loved me, he couldn't have done that to me."

But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.

We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so that they "see" behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love—and so convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime candidates for abuse within intimate relationships.

The emotionally abused child can be heard inside every battered woman who insists: "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke him somehow."

And the almost–inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the victim's life.

Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life. Emotional abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because the emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against themselves. And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?

Members of a therapy group may range widely in age, social class, ethnicity and occupation, but all display some form of self–destructive conduct: obesity, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, domestic violence, child abuse, attempted suicide, self–mutilation, depression and fits of rage. What brought them into treatment was their symptoms. But until they address the one thing that they have in common—a childhood of emotional abuse—true recovery is impossible.

One of the goals of any child–protective effort is to "break the cycle" of abuse. We should not delude ourselves that we are winning this battle simply because so few victims of emotional abuse become abusers themselves. Some emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves.

The pain does not stop with adulthood. Indeed, for some, it worsens. I remember a young woman, an accomplished professional, charming and friendly, well–liked by all who knew her. She told me she would never have children. "I'd always be afraid I would act like them," she said.

Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological brutality, asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their children to "toughen up." It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted notion that beating children produces good citizens—we must also renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.

The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want the "debt" paid off, because they live quite happily on the "interest."

When your self'concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers. It's time to stop playing that role.

Because emotional abuse comes in so many forms (and so many disguises), recognition is the key to effective response. For example, when allegations of child sexual abuse surface, it is a particularly hideous form of emotional abuse to pressure the victim to recant, saying he or she is "hurting the family" by telling the truth. And precisely the same holds true when a child is pressured to sustain a lie by a "loving" parent.

Emotional abuse requires no physical conduct whatsoever. In one extraordinary case, a jury in Florida recognized the lethal potential of emotional abuse by finding a mother guilty of child abuse in connection with the suicide of her 17–year–old daughter, whom she had forced to work as a nude dancer (and had lived off her earnings).

Another rarely understood form of emotional abuse makes victims responsible for their own abuse by demanding that they "understand" the perpetrator. Telling a 12–year–old girl that she was an —enabler— of her own incest is emotional abuse at its most repulsive.

A particularly pernicious myth is that "healing requires forgiveness" of the abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is self–help—and a victim handicapped by the need to "forgive" the abuser is a handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional–abuse victim can make is to invest in the "rehabilitation" of the abuser. Too often this becomes still another wish that didn't come true—and emotionally abused children will conclude that they deserve no better result.

The costs of emotional abuse cannot be measured by visible scars, but each victim loses some percentage of capacity. And that capacity remains lost so long as the victim is stuck in the cycle of "understanding" and "forgiveness." The abuser has no "right" to forgiveness—such blessings can only be earned. And although the damage was done with words, true forgiveness can only be earned with deeds.

For those with an idealized notion of "family," the task of refusing to accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For such searchers, the key to freedom is always truth—the real truth, not the distorted, self–serving version served by the abuser.

Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of nasty, mean–spirited, personal–attack cruelty that passes for "entertainment" is but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and spiritual erosion, a "family" bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its children will not hold the line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of turning.

Effective treatment of emotional abusers depends on the motivation for the original conduct, insight into the roots of such conduct and the genuine desire to alter that conduct. For some abusers, seeing what they are doing to their child—or, better yet, feeling what they forced their child to feel—is enough to make them halt. Other abusers need help with strategies to deal with their own stress so that it doesn't overload onto their children.

But for some emotional abusers, rehabilitation is not possible. For such people, manipulation is a way of life. They coldly and deliberately set up a "family" system in which the child can never manage to "earn" the parent's love. In such situations, any emphasis on "healing the whole family" is doomed to failure.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self–help until you learn to self–reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say"—only continues the cycle.

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life–choices: learn to self–reference or remain a victim. When your self–concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self–respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more.

And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.

A Malignant Narcissist Mother's Day

I began my blog on Mother’s Day two years ago, and marked the annual merchandizing love fest with the post The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Callous and Selfish, followed by The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Grandiose and Indifferent.  Yes, the date I launched my blog was intentional. House of Mirrors is like one giant “fuck you” greeting card to the evil Malignant Narcissist Mothers of the world. Hallmark just never seemed to have what I was looking for.

So it is on the holy-day of Mothers that I celebrate my irreverent exposé of the cruel woman who birthed me and then systematically tried to destroy me. Cheers to two years of unmasking the nasty MN bitch and others like her!

23 years ago I went no contact with my malignant narcissist mother, so all this Mother’s Day propaganda doesn’t register with me. The bitch has been out of my life longer than she was in it. I just don’t care. However, it IS my blogoversary and I noticed recently that a lot of people have found their way to HOM by consulting the Google Oracle on such topics as “seeing narcissist mom on mother’s day” and “how to avoid narcissistic mother on mother’s day” so I figured I would write a post.  

My first thought was to write the post in the form of a letter to MN mother, but then I thought “nah” that’s way too personal. Letters are a form of communication and I don’t want to communicate with her in any way ever again, and besides, I have nothing more to say to her. She knows that I know that her only goal as a “mother” was to systematically destroy me, and instill in me the belief that I have no right to live. She also knows that I hate her guts, and that I think she’s a malignant narcissist and a cunt. What else is there to say?

 “Betty, you malignant narcissist cunt, I hope you rot in hell!”

Those were my last words to her. She knows where she stands. That’s as good as it gets as far as closure goes with a MN parent. I have never regretted going no contact and I have never regretted letting her know what I think of her. By the way, going no contact with MN mother was not instigated by some great revelation. I was at a geographic distance from her for many years and when I went to visit her one Christmas I found her crazier and meaner than the last time I saw her. Common sense dictated that the bitch was never going to change and that she would continue to be a danger to me so I needed to stay the hell away from her. It wasn’t complicated. I treated MN “mother” as I would any bully that was hell bent on harming me – I wanted nothing to do with her.

Staying the fuck away from my malignant narcissist mother has never been a dilemma for me, probably because I have never viewed her as a “mother.” Yes, the bitch gave birth to me, someone had to, but she never earned the title of “mother” in my eyes. I was never remotely connected to her and never bonded with her in any way. I always saw her for what she was: a malicious, sadistic witch who got off on hurting me and tried to psychologically murder me. I suppose I should consider myself lucky in that regard; that I had the good sense to separate the title “Mother” that society blindly adorned her with, to her actual behavior as a dangerous predator. Call me unsentimental, but the bitch is just another malignant narcissist to me. And after two decades of no contact, she doesn't even make it on my list of top three most hated MNs. Those slots are filled by other MNs whose heads I would love to see bashed-in, including malignant narcissist sister.

Speaking of malignant narcissist sister, it was through her MN franken daughter ways that I received proof positive that my choice to go no contact with that vile woman known as my “mother” was without a doubt, the right one. After 17 years of complete no contact with MN mother and MN sister, I made the mistake of contacting MN sister. My thinking was that maybe she had changed and become normal. Fat chance. MN sister was even more deranged and corrupt than ever. Indeed she was simply channeling MN mother. So what happened in the brief time span of me communicating with MN sister? MN mother got MN sister to send me a message. After 17 years without access to me, MN mother got MN sister to send me an email saying that I had no right to live.

“You have no right to live!” That was Malignant Narcissist Mother's Mantra  to me.  And 17 years earlier, during our final conversation before I went no contact, that’s exactly what she was continuing to drill into my head – “You have no right to exist!”   

Jesus. Is it any wonder I stayed the hell away from that vile bitch? I am now at the age she was when she really ramped-up her abuse, and regardless of my understanding of malignant narcissism, I will never be able to fathom how someone can be so mentally deranged and not be locked-up in an insane asylum. Malignant narcissists are dangerous and crazy, and evil and they really do get worse with age.  

So yeah, I think my mother is a cunt and I know she is a malignant narcissist and my blog is a testament to what a failure she and other mutants like her are as human beings. I won’t even give the bitch credit for being a failure as a mother.  Her label is CHILD ABUSER/ADULT CHILD ABUSER at which she excels. The sick twisted bitch gets off on humiliating, degrading and terrorizing her own child.  

If she can disintegrate that would be great, but it really makes no difference to me if that witch is dead or alive. I will never stop hating her. How could I ever stop hating someone who tried to systematically destroy me? The hatred doesn't just suddenly go away, it lives in my bones. So for those of you who think it will vanish, think again. You can hate and be indifferent at the same time. You can draw on the hate for protection, and the indifference will keep you focused and grounded. 

As far as my MN mother goes... dumb cunt pushed her luck. She fucked with the wrong person. She underestimated me. THIS is her legacy. She will go down in history as the vile sack of shit that she is – A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. 

We need to recognize every malignant narcissist without prejudice. That is to say, we must be able to accept that they are ALL dangerous, regardless of their relationship to us. Once we can grasp that concept, we will not be enslaved by bullshit "family" shackles. 

In other words, fuck the DNA relationship! Get out now! 

The Malignant Narcissist And Her Flying Monkeys

From my experience with MNs, they view their target as holding the ruby slippers (narc supply) or holding a bucket of water (the truth/exposure).

To enjoy this article and many more... 

                                                Purchase a copy of the new eBook

Breaking Free: A Way Out for Adult Children of Narcissists

        

                 

How To Cause Narcissistic Injury Without Really Trying

Causing “narcissistic injury” is a walk in the park; you don’t have to do a damn thing. What’s difficult is NOT causing narcissistic injury.   

First off, I don’t care for wishy-washy psychiatric phrases like “narcissistic injury.” They are extremely misleading, and seem to suggest that the poor narcissist is “feeling” hurt or wounded and is suffering as a result. Give me a break. When you cause narcissistic injury you simply threaten the narcissist’s delusions of uniqueness and superiority and THAT pisses them off, period. All narcissistic injuries lead to rage. Therefore, “narcissistic injury” and “rage” aren’t just linked; they are one and the same. Sure, the narcissist’s reaction to a perceived threat may sometimes look like snootiness, cold detachment, apathy, mild irritation or indifference but it isn’t, it is rage.  

The title of this post is a little tongue-in-cheek because it doesn’t take any effort whatsoever to cause “narcissistic injury.” Hell, sometimes all it takes to enrage a narcissist is to breath the same air as them. The narcissist’s image is one of perfection: they view themselves as exclusive, faultless, flawless, irreproachable, magnificent bastards and if we lowly plebs ever forget it then look out, there will be hell to pay! Because with every narcissistic “injury” there is a reflexive urge toward violence. And guess who is at the receiving end of that violence? That’s right, we the people. WE are the ones that suffer “injuries” when the narcissist’s infantile little ego gets bruised.

It goes something like this: We somehow inadvertently threaten the narcissist’s grandiosity. In reaction to that threat, the narcissist experiences rage.  The natural byproduct of rage is violence. Depending on the narcissist, the violence can range from anything to name calling, shouting, a dirty look, walking away in a huff, the silent treatment, slamming a door, blasting the stereo, smashing a plate, breaking a chair, vandalizing your property, vandalizing your image, stalking, harassment, murder, and the ultimate… suicide. The narcissist’s violence is a knee jerk reaction to a threat of their narcissism. It is immediate and it is inevitable. It can be mitigated and controlled, but the impulse is ALWAYS there. Narcissists are ALWAYS seething with anger and ready to explode. BOOM!

The way I see it, the narcissist’s rage/violence serves a few purposes. First, it acts as a fortress to protect their image:  They scare the living shit out of us and therefore control us from ever speaking the truth about them and their behavior. We simply don’t speak-up for fear of retribution. We keep our mouths shut to keep the peace.  We walk on egg-shells around narcissists because we know that they are loose cannons ready to blow if we say or do the wrong thing. If you had N parents then you lived with the tension of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

We cause the narcissist “injury” when we don’t play by their script. All the worlds a stage and we are merely players to the narcissist’s starring role.  Our job as lowly bit players/extras/filler in the narcissist’s spectacular big budget drama is to enable and support their narcissism, NOT threaten it.  But because these Ns don’t take the time to hand-out our lines for the day, and the scenes we’ll be in and the roles we’re supposed to play, we end-up flubbing our parts and running the risk of being a target of N rage. And it’s VERY easy to flub our part. Make an innocent observation that contravenes with the narcissist’s self-image of perfection; dare to contradict the narcissist; subject the narcissist to an attitude that challenges their sense of entitlement; treat the narcissist as an equal and call their superiority into question; offer a damning yet accurate assessment of the narcissist’s dishonest behavior; make a statement of fact that impinges on the narcissist’s confabulated reality and watch the shit hit the fan!

Instead of calling - CUT! TAKE 2! - the narcissist has a raging temper tantrum. They control their fantasy of themselves by controlling us with fear. And if we’re not buying their “act” then their performances aren’t convincing enough and THAT freaks them out.  If you had N parents/ siblings then you’ve been silenced in those relationship all your life… and you may even still be afraid of them. I survived in my NFOO by playing the groupie to the N’s demanding Diva role.

Another purpose the narcissist’s rage/violence serves is to KEEP them in the lead role. They are not only the star of their own movie; they are the star of your movie/his movie/her movie/everyone’s movie. If they are lifting cars, tipping dumpsters, shooting evil glares, causing drama, spewing bile and creating chaos then roll camera because the spot light is on them, and that’s when the narcissist is ready for their close-up. If they can control a whole room of people with their mood...

THAT is fucking star power!

Narc Rage

Also, narcs always feel better after a good rage session. They’re like big babies with gas that have a good burp and let it all out. Oh, so satisfying.  And they not only expect us to feel better too after they rage, but to act like their ugly, psycho performance never happened. But do we feel better after the narcissist’s rage fest? Hellz no! First, the narcissist lightens their toxic load by dumping their anger onto us and into us, so we carry that around for them. Then, because we are not allowed to “feel” anything, we are forced to repress our own natural rage at the abuse they inflict. So there we are, carrying around the narc’s poisonous rage and suppressing our own righteous anger. If that’s not a recipe for illness/addiction/self-sabotage/effed-up relationships etc. etc., I don’t know what is. 

My malignant narcissist mother would always scream at me, “You’re so damn moody!” MN sister would always whine, “You always seem so angry. I don’t know why you’re always so mad at me all the time?” Of course, most of this was projection, but the reality was: Why the hell wouldn’t I be moody? I was a dumping ground for the toxic waste of three full-blown narcs. Was I supposed to be singing and dancing and whistling and smiling and doing back-flips of joy through the living room when I had no choice but to accept abuse and repress my every last feeling?! Put it this way: if I wasn’t quiet, withdrawn and apprehensive then there would be something seriously wrong with me… I would be a dumbed-down, lifeless, hollowed-out zombie and that would mean there’s nothing left of me, I no longer feel anything and the narcs had won. And get this, because I didn’t become what the narc’s wanted me to be - a compliant zombie - MN mother and MN sister who are certifiable and bat shit crazy, are telling people that I have a “mood disorder,” “emotional problems,” “mental-health issues.” Yup, that’s what happens when you decide to protect yourself from abuse.

The narcs label YOU the sick one.  HA! The irony of the injustice is mind-boggling. Also, because I’ve gone NO CONTACT – the mother of all N injury – the two evil witches can no longer unleash their rage on me in person. So the next best thing to do with their violence is to vandalize my image through lies, slander and gossip. Narcissistic abuse is the kind of abuse that keeps on giving long after you’re gone, and the reason is simple: Malignant narcissists MUST ALWAYS remain linked to their prey in some way. They are fused to you whether you like it or not. 

This leads me to another function of the narcissist’s violence:  It serves to perpetuate the relationship between the malignant narcissist and their victim. Their smear campaigns and abusive, crazy, deranged, dangerous, illegal, and bizarre behavior are done in an effort to maintain a relationship with you. The fact that it is a BAD relationship - a COMBAT situation - is beside the point. The point is the MN is still linked to you through arguing, screaming matches, restraining orders, police reports, court proceedings and lawyers.  And if the MN can’t have a physical presence in their victim’s life, then they create a way to live on in their victim’s mind. The MN mother says to herself, “Well, she might have a life of her own, but I will make her forever afraid of me!” Therefore ensuring that her victim, target, daughter won’t be able to live without thinking about her… and the movie plays on with MN mother in the lead. Or, the MN carries-out some spectacular display of evil right before their final curtain: For example, arranging for your inheritance to go to your mortal enemy. That way, the MN continues to live-on in the minds of others through conflict and strife. For the MN, there is no final curtain call, graceful bow, or exit stage left. Their horror show rages on long after they are dead and buried.   

Here are some examples of narcissistic injury, starting with the big ones: 

Exist independently of the N parent/Get married/Go no contact: This is the motherload of narcissistic injury. When the MN parent is confronted with the reality that they are not the main character in their child’s movie; that you have your own movie and they aren’t even in it, THIS is the worst calamity that can befall a malignant narcissist parent. They suddenly find themselves reduced to a bit part or completely cut-out, and are now doomed to be just like all the other 6 billion extras in the world. THIS makes the MN Diva mad as hell! How dare they be assigned to some lowly supporting role or end-up on the cutting room floor! They are a Star and don’t you ever forget it. This is probably why so many Ns pull crazy stunts at their children’s wedding: They want to make the event ALL ABOUT THEM, and maintain their starring role. 

The following comment left by ANON, perfectly illustrates narcissistic injury/rage when the N discovers that their supply exists independent of them:  

“I remember my mother having a hissy fit because one of her husbands was flirting with another woman. This crazy bitch had a full blown temper tantrum, screaming, cussing, and picking up the back end of a car, with the grande finale being that she tossed a couple of large green dumpsters over like they were nothing (big, heavy, full of trash - the kind you roll on wheels because nobody can pick them up)...I was scared as hell, but knew not to say a word or I'd receive whatever was left of her rage. I stayed quiet until we got home, went to my room and ended up drawing a cartoon of a cross between her and the incredible hulk tossing dumpsters in the air - the fear melted into giggles.” 

In this instance, the malignant narcissist sees her husband flirting with another woman and is confronted with the reality that she is not the main character in his movie. The movie is his, and it keeps on playing even when she’s not around. And the byproduct of that terrifying realization for this MN is to morph into The Hulk and go on a rampage until her fury is spent. And her fury wasn’t even directed at the husband, it was unleashed on innocent cars and dumpster. Can you imagine what the MN would have done to the husband? This is the kind of narcissistic injury that causes a MN to poison their spouse’s meal with cyanide. It's a good thing ANON knew NOT to react to her raging lunatic of a MN mother. 

A raging MN doesn’t have to act like a roaring, over-sized green beast, busting out of the seams of their clothing, trashing objects and running amok. Sometimes all the MN monster needs to rely on is good old verbal violence, a withering glare or gaslighting.

Here’s what happened to another Anonymous after looking "disappointed" after receiving an unfitting gift from N parents:  “When I looked disappointed - a torrent of shoulds/gaslighting/verbal abuse."You're never grateful for anything you selfish little bitch nothing ever pleases you I don't know why I bother you're never satisfied etc" delivered with the most hateful glare and harsh strident tone imaginable. It was really very terrifying, like being confronted by Medusa.”

Even a simple “look” of disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, or joy can cause the testy narcissist injury/rage. Once, I got belted across the face at the dinner table for a look I wasn’t even aware I gave MN mother. The violence came out of thin air, and shocked me so much that I wet my pants. And I never uttered a word. I just sat at the table and continued eating my meal; face stinging. It was N father who hit me, and he didn't give a crap what "look" I gave MN mother, he hated her, he just needed to release some pent-up rage and I was the family whipping post. 

Whether it was Medusa, The Hulk, The Hand or The Smirk; the effect was all the same to the children of narcissists: The N parent's rage was terrifying. Even after I fled to the opposite end of the country, and was officially an adult, I was still terrified of NFOO's rage. I remember a boyfriend who I did a lot of travelling with suggesting that I send post-cards to MN mother and MN sister. I kept on saying no. He kept on insisting. He was family oriented and wanted me to have a wonderful relationship with them… he just didn’t get it. Anyway, he kept on insisting I send post cards, and I kept on saying no. Finally he asked, “Why not?!” I answered, “Because they’ll get mad!” This was absolutely true. For me to live my own life, a full life, a happy life caused MN mother and MN sister narcissistic injury.

Hell, you can “injure” a narcissist simply by ending a telephone conversation with them. One morning – many years ago, before I fled to the opposite end of the country – MN sister called me up all chirpy. I was still sleeping, and a little hung-over. I was working three jobs, lived in a shit basement suite with a noisy family above me, and I had been out the night before until all hours and had to work that day and into the night. I needed my sleep. So she’s blathering on and on, and I guess I wasn’t acting overly enthused about whatever she was yapping about, or giving her the royal treatment that she feels entitled to so she sensed this and we cut the conversation short. Fine by me, I needed to take advantage of whatever sleep I could get. So I fell back asleep and was dozing comfortably when about 20 minutes later the phone rang and woke me up. I answer the phone, “Hello?” What do I hear at the other end but MN mother raging at the top of her lungs, “Where the hell is that lawn chair?! Who the hell do you think you are for taking that lawn furniture?! You goddamn get to do whatever the hell you want!”

What happened was this: MN sister, who was living with MN mother, got upset because I wasn’t doing back-flips of joy during our conversation. In other words, I didn’t enable and support MN sister’s narcissism and give her the preferential treatment she feels entitled to. This caused the psychotic little bitch injury, so she whined to MN mother about how rude I was. Now because MN mother and MN sister are fused, this also caused MN mother injury and she lashed-out and raged at me about some piece of shit lawn chair that I took to use in my apartment years prior. When it comes to MNs It’s NEVER about a crap lawn chair or a ratty old beach towel, it’s about their delusions of being superior beings and their expectations of always being treated as such.

Long story short, just by existing I caused MN mother’s limb - MN sister - injury. I was removed from activities that I loved and excelled in because my success made MN sister “feel bad.”I was taken out of figure skating after doing well in a province wide competition because according to MN mother, “Your figure skating makes your sister feel bad, and you don’t really like it anyway.” I remember MN mother giving me instructions to tell my coach I was quitting because my family couldn’t afford it. Yeah right. Money was never an issue.  

Earlier in the post I explained that the narcissist’s rage is inevitable and is immediate but it can be mitigated and controlled. Here’s an example of delayed release narcissistic rage:

I was visiting N father for a few days, and went out and picked-up a bunch of danishes to have with our morning coffee that week. It was the afternoon when I got back, and I asked N father if he would like to have a danish. He said sure, so I put a selection out on a plate and left them on the kitchen counter for him to choose from. A while later I went back to the kitchen and found N father reading the paper with an empty plate of danishes in front of him. With about as much interest as I would put into noticing rain, I innocently remarked, “Oh, you ate them all.”  N father snapped back, “They were small.” It was true, they were small, but he ate 6 of them. Anyway, there were still 6 left so I could at least enjoy one with my coffee the next morning.

Even with NPD knowledge I was thinking, shit! I shouldn’t have said that, now he’s going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I don’t recall him being in a noticeably bad mood, or maybe I just avoided him. Anyway, the next morning I awoke eager for my morning ritual of a coffee and something sweet, in this case a danish. I was about to go down the stairs when I heard N father crumpling a paper bag and the sound of the crumpled bag slamming against a wall.  Before I even descended the stairs and entered the kitchen, I knew what he had done. Sure enough, I found the bag of danishes crushed and crumpled at the opposite end of the kitchen from where I had left them. I grabbed the bag of squished and mangled danishes and plunked it into the garbage. I never said a word to N father about this seriously messed-up act. Why? Because I wanted to avoid WW3. 

Crushed danishes were narcissistic rage. So what was the narcissistic injury? Delivering what N father perceived to be disturbing data about him. In N father’s eyes, my remark about eating all the danishes wasn’t addressing his actions; it was addressing who he is as a person. And N father believes himself to be perfect and he can never be seen as anything but perfect, and a perfect person doesn’t make a pig of themselves. I never took him for a pig because he isn’t a pig.  He isn’t a hog and he has no issues with weight. And it’s not as if I said, “Hey Tubby, you scarfed ALL those danishes down?! Would you like me to fill-up you’re trough while I’m standing here?” There was narcissistic injury and there was rage and my innocent observation must have kept him up that night plotting his revenge. But why the danishes?! Anything but the danishes!

Causing “narcissistic injury” is a walk in the park; you don’t have to do a damn thing. What’s difficult is NOT causing narcissistic injury.  My life among the narcissists has been an exercise in not tripping the wire that causes the N to detonate. And living in a narc minefield is no way to live. If however, you would like to cause a MN lifelong injury and all-consuming rage and maybe a little fear; here’s what you do: Sometime before, during or after you go NO CONTACT make sure the narcissist knows that you’ve got their number and you've NEVER bought their act AND you're mad as hell. Then disappear. You will forever be a thorn in the malignant narcissist’s side if they know you're out there with the truth of who and what they are, and YOU are a loose cannon who’s not afraid to blow.