How To "Play" A Narcissist in Robot Mode

I titled this post “How To Play A Narcissist” because based on the most popular key search words listed in my blog stats, that’s what people want to know – how to fuck with a narcissist, how to mess with a narcissist, piss off a narcissist, squash a narcissist, get back at a narcissist, destroy a narcissist, drive a narcissist insane, and beat a narcissist at his own game.

The general public isn’t searching for information on how to “relate” with a narcissist because narcissists don’t relate – narcissists play games. Every interaction with a narcissist is about mind control and manipulation. In every interaction, the narcissist is calculating formulas to come out on top. Figuring this out - that a “normal” human interaction/relationship with a narcissist is impossible because you are merely a chess piece in the game a narcissist is always playing and must always play to win - is the first step. The second step is playing the game by NOT playing the game. THAT’S how you mess with a narcissist, that’s how you “PLAY” a narcissist. At least it’s one way, and it will be the focus of my post.

A narcissist once said to me, “Lisette, I’m finding you very difficult to read.” With a blank expression, I looked him square in the eyes and shrugged. He turned away from me, and shook his head in confusion. One the outside, I may have looked like an unemotional automaton, but on the inside I was air punching and giving the N a devious smirk. Not being able to “read” me was EXACTLY what I was aiming for. This particular N got his jollies keeping women off-balance by making them feel inadequate and insecure. I knew his game well. It had been “played” on me a million times. Now I knew better. Before his eyes, I morphed into “Robot Mode” and threw him off his game. Growing-up in a family with three full-blown narcissists, where I was not allowed to feel anything or express anything – even on my face – enabled me to perfect the art of Robot Mode.  I can’t tell you the number of times MN mother and father sniped: “Wipe that look off your face, or I’ll wipe it off for you!”

But the Robot Mode I’m talking about now is not the same hiding place I retreated to as a child or a young adult. It’s not a mode of mental or emotional withdrawal, in fact, it’s just the opposite. It’s about conducting yourself like a sharply honed machine that takes in data from the narcissist, quickly assimilates it and responds accordingly. It’s about staying very present around a narcissist, and focusing on the narcissist’s behavior, not how the narcissist makes you feel. Sure, the narcissist may very well succeed at making you feel insecure, angry, guilty or ashamed but in the presence of a narcissist, you cannot focus on your feelings because then you will emote. Feel it, you’re only human, but don’t reveal it… to a narcissist.  

Actors are trained to “emote” for the camera so they can convey to the movie audience what they are thinking and feeling. But because film screens are so huge, actors must learn the art of subtlety so they don’t look like they are over-acting. They show the audience what’s going on inside of them with understated clues. For example, a squint, an arched eyebrow, a hand gesture, a scratch, a change in posture etc. – these are all “tells.”

In the game of poker – and remember narcissists are always playing games – a “tell” is any physical reaction, change in behavior, demeanor or habit that gives clues about your hand. A player gains an advantage if they observe and understand the meaning of another’s tell, particularly if the tell is unconscious.

Narcissists continually play this clandestine game of me versus you, and they never stop scanning their (unsuspecting) opponent for verbal and non-verbal cues that they can exploit to gain the upper hand. Playing people is what they do. They play to win and they don’t like to be challenged. Never let a narcissist know what’s in your hand.

How do you challenge a narcissist in this game? Like I said, by giving them nothing – zero, zip, nada. Play your cards close to your vest, put on your poker face, and don’t give away any “tells.” The narcissist’s game is mental. It’s all about controlling and manipulating your THOUGHTS. Your emotions and behaviors are connected to your feelings and your feelings are connected to your thoughts, so the narcissist pays very close attention to people’s reactions and to everything they say and do. They are manipulation machines that constantly regulate your reactions so they can plant thoughts into your head that you think are yours. But these THOUGHTS are not yours; they are nasty seeds of doubts planted by the narcissist game player who wants to control your mind. Yup, thoughts planted in your head by someone else is plain and simple mind-control. It’s the basis of narcissistic abuse.

Narcissists are essentially technicians who search for a precise technique that they can turn into a formula for success. They are programmed to do what works. The narc machine knows to get “Y” kind of reaction, do an “X” kind of behavior or to get “Y” kind of reaction say an “X” kind of thing. Narcissists know that certain types of behavior elicits a particular type of response. They acquire these stock behaviors as children and then they become habits. These nasty habits soon become second nature, and eventually ARE the narcissist’s true nature. Narcissists all seem to be hard-wired the same way. Maybe that’s the reason they all seem to follow the same set of instructions – what many ACONs have referred to as the “Narc Handbook.”

You need to distance yourself psychologically and emotionally from narcissists. To beat a narcissist machine, you must think and behave like a machine. In Robot Mode you do not respond to emotional and psychological stimuli. Robots are detached. They don’t emote. Robots don’t react. A Robot’s hard drive (your mind and emotions) cannot be tampered with. Remember; despite the narcissist's unfeeling nature, they are very aware that YOUR emotions fuel how you see and experience your reality, and your perceptions ultimately drive your behavior. When our emotions are out-of-control, our perceptions become obscured and this can drive us to self-destructive acts. Bingo! The scheming narcissists wants you to self-destruct, and an emotionally uncontrolled target with combat fatigue is ripe for a hijacking.

The Narcissist's lack of affect is particularly valuable to them. They can respond to situations without being constrained by principles, morality or feelings. They can callously use people without the slightest thought for their welfare, and at the same time smile to their face while “playing” them, which usually involves exploitation of some sort, and plotting and scheming behind their back. So, as you can see, a lack of affect works well for the narcissist, and a lack of affect can also work for you. Particularly, when the narcissist machine is trying to get the desired reaction from you. In other words, “information” (verbal or non-verbal, conscious or unconscious cues) they can use to EXPLOIT you. 

So, the narcissist learns formulas to achieve the desired effect:  to get a certain kind of reaction from you. The old saying “they do what works” is very true. All that matters to the N is how they appear in the mirror of your face. Nothing else is any consideration. Not morality, consequence, or the good of the other person. Narcissists only look at others to see how others are REACTING to them. The narcissist is not connected to themselves in any real way. They are connected to an image that is reflected back to them. The face doesn’t matter – you don’t matter – only the expression on the face does. The narcissist is someone who goes through life fixated on images, which amounts to the “right” kind of looks on other people’s faces. And you aren’t even responsible for the expression on your face… or the “right” look. The narcissist is! By sheer manipulation, the narcissist has manufactured in you, his/her desired mirror image.

Essentially, narcissists have figured out a formula to get you to unwittingly collude in their game of delusions and lies. They are shady tricksters who adjust their image and manipulate you in order to meet the demands of their narcissism. So what kind of impression does their narcissism demand?  What is the most potent reflection in their mirror?  POWER. That’s what the narcissist lusts after – POWER. Nothing makes a narc feel grander. Nothing gives a narcissist a bigger high than POWER.  Even if that power is reflected in the frightened eyes of a vulnerable child. Pretty sick – huh?

Power can look like many different things in each of the narcissist’s mirrors. One that comes to mind is confusion. The evil narcissist gets something akin to a drug rush seeing confusion reflected back. Confusion means that the narcissist has gained access to your mind, and mind-control is the name of the game when it comes to narcissistic abuse.

At the beginning of the post I mentioned that I confused a narcissist because he found me hard to “read.” Narcissists use sneaky, subtle ways to aggrandize themselves, and get you to reflect back to them their desired mirror image. This particular narc was playing me so that I would bounce back a look that would make him feel psychologically dominant. But I wouldn’t engage/react and this confused him. Psychological domination is the most glorious form of power for the malignant narcissist.  In fact, any negative reaction the narcissist elicits in you makes him feel powerful. For the narcissist, it’s all about destroying his opponent bit by bit, piece by piece. Engaging in the narcissist’s game is like offering up your juiciest vein and letting the narcissist stick a needle in it, and feed his poison to you intravenously. Drip, drop, drip, drop. Slowly but surely the narcissist destroys his victim.

Now real power for a narcissist is seeing people miserable and heart-broken and begging for mercy.  I’m not saying morph into an expressionless Robot and stand there and take abuse and not fight back. I’m suggesting you give the narcissist nothing, no reaction, and get the hell away from them. Narcissists are black and white, Jekyll and Hyde and sometimes that’s how you have to react to them. In other words, all or nothing. If it’s safe to do so, give it right back to them, get away, or give them nothing at all. It’s your call. Every situation is unique.

Feeling good? Feeling fine? Feeling happy? Well, that’s out of line. Unless the narcissist is the cause of your happiness, they don’t want to see it in your face when they look at you. Narcs hate you for being happy, so they will do whatever it takes to make you unhappy.

Narcissists see no value in people other than what they can get from them as supply. There is an inner emptiness, a massive dark void beneath their slick machine-like operating system, and as a result, they are cold and calculating and everything they say and do is systematically premeditated for effect – to get the desired look, reaction or behavior from you. I would rather give my toaster oven a big hug over a narc. If I want comforting, I will turn to my toaster. So give your toaster oven a big hug because that piece of metal has more feeling for you than a narcissist ever will. And it will also broil cheese on toast for you. Now that’s comforting.

Morphing into Robot Mode around a narcissist is not about numbness, and disassociating. It’s about applying cold calculating machinations on someone who is trying to get into your head and mess with it. It’s about “appearing” to be an unfeeling machine toward the narcissist, just like the narcissist is toward you. Robot Mode is essentially disengaging from the narcissist’s game. It's about being self-controlled and alert because a lack of emotional control will always make you vulnerable to a narcissist. 

Now those who have had the life sucked out of them by a narcissist really are hollowed-out zombies. They are the people that’s souls have been murdered but their body is still living. They are dead inside. They are the people who we regard as having the lights on, but no one’s home. I say dupe the narcissist into believing they have erased your brain. Your lights may appear “out” but someone is most definitely home; placing booby traps, setting alarm systems, and standing by the door in the dark with a baseball bat ready to bash-in the head of the narc intruder.

Narcs have a way of controlling and manipulating people’s emotions without even trying. Not letting a narc “read” you is like refusing to let them know where you live, or where you hide your house keys or what your home security code is. Don’t give it up to a narcissist. Invalidate them. Have you ever gotten a reptilian stare back and zero response from a narc while you’re having a face-to-face conversation with one, and after you’ve told them something that was important to you? I have. That dead air is a way for them to invalidate you. That weird silence is a way for them to communicate that a response to you is not worth their breath. They outright ignore you like you aren’t even there. And the N machine doesn’t even flinch while he does this. Well, I say we invalidate and ignore the narcissist right back. When they look at the mirror of your face to gaze upon their reflection, reflect nothing back. Let the narcissist see nothing, let the narcissist feel like he does not exist. So how do we do this? Robot Mode.

Robot Mode is about reflecting NOTHING back to the narcissist. It’s about taking away the narcissist’s mirror.

So, here’s how I am when I am visiting planet narcissism – without witnesses - in the presence of the only narcissist I have a relationship: I am a Robot. Yup, that’s right. No noticeable joy and happiness, no sadness, no anger, nothing much in between. No emotions, period. No reactions, no reflections. I don’t want to give the narcissist any ammo. I refuse to engage. I keep a low profile and don’t draw attention to myself. Sadly, this is exactly what the narcissist wants: for others to be mindless automatons, a non-person who won't make them feel bad or usurp their attention. The thing is; I give the narcissist nothing. I've grown completely indifferent to them. No attention, no regard, no reason to attack. Hell, I’m a Robot; just like the narcissist and I’m not capable of a normal human interaction on planet narcissism and I’m devoid of all supply.

Be your own Robot Commando. Obey YOUR every command, NOT the narcissist's. Be in charge of YOU. 

Never Show "Vulnerability" to a Narcissist

Never show signs of weakness around a narcissist because when you’re down that’s precisely when they’re going to kick. This is true for all narcissists, from your garden variety straight on up to the malignant.  All narcissists salivate at the sign of a vulnerable target - be it mental, emotional or physical vulnerability.

Narcissists are spineless bullies. They are insecure, jealous, inadequate, attention seeking little brats trapped in the body of an adult.  Have you ever referred to a narcissist as a strong person? I doubt it. Narcissists are immature weaklings and cowards. Their personality disorder makes them so. When they see an easy opportunity to strike they can’t help themselves. 

They are nasty little children and they don’t fight fair.  

Malignant narcissists are predators by nature and predators devour the bleeding and the injured. They can't help themselves; it’s their animal instinct. They respond to your vulnerability like a rabid junkyard dog to a meaty bone: they’ve gotta chomp on it.

So I ask you, are you going to show insecurity around a sadistic little brat who’s always looking for ways to vaunt themselves at your expense? Are you going to show signs of weakness around a vicious predator whose very nature is to attack vulnerable prey? Narcissists are unsafe, period. But they are especially dangerous when you are in a weakened state. Sharks sniff out blood.

All narcissists identify with other abusers, so if you have been harmed by another person – most likely another narcissist - do not tell them. The narcissist will not only pathologize you but defend their fellow narcissist. Feel better now? The narcissist does. You see, narcissists are always scrounging around for validation of their abusiveness. If you offer up proof of another harmful person – in the narcissist's eyes – you have justified their own cruel behaviour. Birds of a feather and all that.

In the most sinister way; the vile narcissist will attribute virtues to your abuser while giving you a good kick. For example, you are in utter distress because a co-worker has been bullying, undermining, and sabotaging you for over a year. He's trying to get you fired; he wants your job.  You are at wits end, losing sleep, nervous, stressed out and ready to quit your job because of the situation. The narcissist - let's call her Sherry - will simply be delighted to hear of your dilemma, and react to your predicament by saying, “Oh, come on. He’s not a bad person. He’s just a hard worker and his job is important to him. Maybe he’s been taking notes on you. You’re just not taking very good care of yourself.”

See what the narcissist did? Sherry just defended her fellow narcissist saying that he’s a good guy, a hard worker, cares about his job and obviously has dirt on you. The narcissist just told you that you are bad, lazy, you don’t care about your job, and that you’re obviously doing something that warrants note taking and the narcissist’s abuse. Furthermore, the narcissist assigned the cause of your distress to you for not taking care of yourself. It’s your fault. Get it? You were asking for it. That’s why the co-worker narcissist abused you, and that’s why Sherry is justified in abusing you. The vile narcissist feels better now.  

Here's another example of the narcissist's callousness. You've been in a serious accident in which you suffered a massive cut to your face. The injury was so bad that it required plastic surgery. You are still in a state of shock from the accident; you are beaten-up, stitched-up, battered and bruised. You are distressed at the state of your face; you are weakened and run down from surgery. Laid up in bed, you make the mistake of sending a fact based email notifying a narcissist of your accident. Let's call the vile narcissist Myra. Myra responds with a one line email that says, "Keep it in perspective." She adds a link to a YouTube video of a guy with no arms and no legs. Feel better now? The vile narcissist Myra does.

Let's take a look at what both of the narcissists did. They placed themselves above you as your judge: "Keep it in perspective." "You're not taking care of yourself." This condescending superiority aggrandizes the narcissist. They denied you any attention and let you know that you don't matter. They blamed you, the victim, and attributed virtues to your abuser. They dismissed and minimized your experience. Let you know that you had no right to even bring up your accident, let alone feel anything because someone out in YouTube land has no arms and legs (as if they care). They justified their outrageous callousness and derived pleasure from you pain.

And get this: Sherry calls you up bawling her eyes out because her date stood her up, and she expects you to comfort her. Myra - a 65 year old woman - calls you up bawling her eyes out because her sister doesn't have time to frame her paintings for her show, and she expects your sympathy.

Ugh! You get it: they're narcissists. They are big babies and parasitic bottom feeders who are always scrounging the surface of every interaction looking for ways to feed. Their entire existence is based on deep rooted selfishness. 

Here’s one final example of a narcissist taking advantage of your vulnerability. You've had a bad fall in which you suffered a massive cut to your face. You are still recovering and you are coming to terms with the fact that your face is going to be permanently scarred. The narcissist knows that you are self-conscious about the scar on your face and how it is healing.

You visit the narcissist and notice that he needs a few things around the house. Although you are the one in need of care, you go out and purchase a bunch of helpful and thoughtful items for the narcissist. You package everything up really nice and with a smile present the big bag of goodies to the narcissist. The narcissist takes the gift bag and with a big smirk on his face and an evil glint in his eye, he snarks, “that thing on your face is really red.”  You can’t hide the fact that he hurt your feelings. The narcissist looks like he is high on drugs.

When you are in a weakened state that’s when the narcissist's fangs come out. Vulnerability makes you the perfect target to abuse, control and manipulate. Never let a narcissist know that someone has done you wrong; never let them sniff out an insecurity; never let them see you sweat. What elicits warmth and compassion in normal people, provokes an act of shocking inhumanity in a narcissist. They will attack when you can't defend yourself and deny you whatever you are in need of: be it serious medical attention, a roof over your head or an ounce of sympathy.

Don’t ignore the twisted aggression inherent in all narcissists. Don’t engage in fantasy and magical thinking. Don't try to penetrate their callousness. When we refuse the truth of what the narcissist really is, we leave the door wide open to abuse.

Whatever is ruling your emotions at the time will be used against you by the narcissist. Don’t involve them in the sensitive areas of your life, don’t let them into your head space, keep them away from your wounds. Protect yourself. If you must be in contact with a narcissist, play your cards very close to your vest. Don't display any signs of neediness. They are the enemy of goodwill and the last people you want around during a time of crisis.

Narcissists are terrorists who invade mental and emotional borders. They are constantly engaged in an invisible war of control.  It's ALWAYS about their boundaries, their terms, their agenda, and their conveniences while you lie dying by the side of the road.