Wednesday, 27 February 2013

A Birthday Gift From A Malignant Narcissist Mother


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48 comments:

  1. Lisette, birthdays were one of the cruellest times (for me too) and so although I so much want to say Happy Birthday, to me those words
    kind of don't work, they were not connected to
    any experience or meaning in my life. So I want to make a birthday wish for you instead ok?
    I wish for Lisette to receive back all the peace joy love and laughter that the vampires
    stole from her life and that love surrounds, protects and nurtures her for all of her days. Many Happy Returns Lisette. Anna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anna, thank you for giving me the only kind of birthday wish that matters: one that genuinely comes from a good place.

      Delete
    2. I've been flooded with memories about this. Never made the connection fully before about those invariably unfitting presents and narc parent's hatred. When I looked disappointed - a torrent of shoulds/gaslighting/verbal abuse. "You're never grateful for anything you selfish little bitch nothing ever pleases you I don't know why I bother you're never satisfied etc" delivered with the most hateful glare and harsh strident tone imaginable. It was really very terrifying, like being confronted by Medusa. Yes, hand me down presents came my way too (they were wealthy) never wrapped, just left for me to find, no-one ever said Happy Birthday, no cakes, no parties, no cards, a total non-event injected with narc parent's venom. But I'm here now and it's great. We are stronger than them in every way.

      Delete
    3. Yes we are! We are stronger than them in every way. Thank you for reminding us of this. The here and now is great!

      Delete
  2. Lisette,
    First - Happy Birthday! I'm glad you're here. :)

    I had lots of the same types of experience: N's making me work so hard for a gift that wasn't really a gift at all or that never actualy materialized or buying me something that NSis or GC Brother wanted or making sure I saw how much less they gave me than my sibs or, my personal favorite, buying themselves something new and then giving me the old item their new stuff was replacing for them. Like I was a human thrift store drop box.

    My favorite story about this involves the 'Last Christmas,' which was after I'd begun making lots of noise about change in the Clan. When asked what I would like, I'd responded that I could use some new pots and pans as mine were getting shabby.

    On Christmas Eve, we circled up to open gifts - everyone else in the room had giant piles of nicely wrapped gifts - I had one large (about three feet tall by three feet wide square) box, unwrapped. I swallowed my hurt and opened it to find that NFather had taken all of his old pots and pans that he didn't use anymore and wrapped them up for me. They were all dusty or had dried specks of food on them and were packed in with newspaper. That was it. In retrospect, it's so perfectly clear what they thought of me and how they intended to punish me for my noise-making and truth-telling.

    What a bunch of @ssholes.

    Again, happy birthday. I know what you mean about not making a big deal out of them anymore, but I hope that you do something nice for yourself.

    Love,
    Vanci

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for the Bday wishes, Vanci. Means a lot to me.

      Wow. I just cringed at your Christmas present story. It's so blatantly cruel. @assholes doesn't even begin to describe it. The scapegoat is always treated as one helluva second class citizen. I too have received those trashy hand-me-down type gifts from NFOO. I always remained polite and thanked them, but looking back, I wish I had told them to take their crap gift and shove it up their uptight evil asses. Damn. I would have loved to see you cook a first class meal in those pots and pans and then serve it to your NFOO. Little would they know they would be dining on your grade A shit! If you've ever seen the film "The Help" a woman serves up an fine shit pie to her abuser. Classic! Come to think of it... that might be to good for them.

      Thanks again for the Bday wishes, and sharing your story.

      Delete
    2. LOL, that's funny. The NFOO are the FIRST thing I thought of when I saw The Help and figured out what was in that pie.

      Love (and no pie,)
      Vanci

      Delete
  3. Lisette,
    And a PS - each of their dogs had more gifts than I'd been given!

    Love,
    Vanci

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    Replies
    1. Vanci, I don't doubt this for a second. Those narcs always treat their ridiculous pets better than most humans.

      Delete
    2. "Those narcs always treat their ridiculous pets better than most humans."

      I will concur to that. The animals always got hugs and care.

      Delete
  4. I always got the"you're special, blah,blah,blah"cards. Then to top it off, it always had love, NM and NF. It's always a freaking game to these losers. They really are warped....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aiye, jaysus. Ohhhh, the stories, the untold stories of the the "Art of the Fuck YOU Gift" courtesy of these POS. I'd have to sit there and "thank you" all over and over with tears in my eyes and they weren't from joy. There's a million ways to make your kid "bend over for it" regardless of their age just as there are millions of MN's, but their stories are consistent theme wise and are the true stuff of MN Parental Legend.

    With that, the very last *vestige* of delusional FOG ridden life disappears forever. And life really seems to begin. I hope this birthday brings you closer to your heart in as many of the beautiful ways it has touched mine. Happy Birthday, Lisette!
    TW

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    Replies
    1. Thank-you, TW. I'm touched. Life truly has begun, and thanks to people like you, I get closer to my heart every day.

      Delete
    2. TW, that's brilliant, the "Fuck you" gift.

      The only gift I ever got when I was in college (in the 1980s) was...a vcr. I was putting myself through college, 100%, without a penny of support from the NFOO, and one year out of the blue, they ordered me over to their house for Christmas, where my one-and-only gift was a videocassette recorder. I didn't own a television. Nor did any of my 3 roommates. The NFOO knew that because I was the family joke--I couldn't talk about the latest doings on Dynasty or kids on the Cosby Show, because I didn't have a tv. I was quite literally speechless--I would have been thrilled with a jar of peanut butter or a pair of mittens because money was so tight and I was so often hungry and cold. What was I going to do with an expensive electronic thing that only worked when connected to a television? To punish me for my "ingratitude", they seized back the vcr and I went home without even a Christmas dinner.

      Delete
    3. The fuck-you gift indeed. An unfitting gift that you can never use that they never intended for you to keep. They buy these things for themselves and then give them to us as pseudo gifts, and snatch them back because we're so ungrateful. It's all a scam. Everything these MNs do it premeditated. Ironically, they put a lot of thought and effort into these fuck-you gifts.

      Delete
    4. that sounds so familiar, my mother used to convince me to buy pan delphin rabbits with my birthday money when i was a child, to put in her cabinet, im 35 and they are still in her cabinet, along with the royal doulton figurines she bought and gave to me when i was 9, i've often thought it was really weird, buying gifts for your child that you really want yourself, i really feel like she conned me big time!

      Delete
  6. Happy birthday!

    MN's are such bad gift givers. I'm relieved to not get them from my mother anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, VR. I'm relieved too! I've never looked forward to receiving legal documents.

      Delete
  7. Your birthday stories are really effed up, but unfortunately they don't surprise me at all.

    Narcissists suck at gift giving, that's a given. My mother would give me shit like pens and paper - stuff she'd randomly steal from work, then wrap up in a brown paper bag (thats right, she'd recycle a paper bag to turn it into wrapping paper). Or one year she gave me a dress which was about 4 sizes too small that had been marked down, then marked down two more times until it was like $10 (yes, she left the tag on). One time she gave me a plate (you read it right - A plate) with some weird, pastel country design on it - I can see how she'd think that would make an excellent addition to my contemporary square plates with bold colors...Oh, how could I ever forget the cheap dish towels she gave me? What an ingrate I must be!

    As an aside, back when I was still in a mode of trying to show this evil bitch what a great daughter I was, I would sometimes buy her gifts. They were always well thought out and of good quality. I always took pride with the wrapping, carefully choosing nice paper and matching bows. She never appreciated any of them - She'd rip off that paper and stare at the item like I'd gifted her a pile of steaming dog shit (which is just about the only gift she'd get from me now. Haaaa!)

    Anyway, happy birthday, Lisette! I hope that you treat yourself to something special today. :)

    ANON

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    1. ANON, thanks for this. That evil MN bitch was something else. What's the deal with leaving the $10 tag on the dress? I'm still trying to figure out that one. Maybe she wanted to let you know that she waited for the price to be slashed until it was reduced to a value equal to her regard for you. That gift was truly sinister. You couldn't even wear the damn dress. She pretty much gifted you a price tag with a hidden/or not so hidden message. The bitch! As for the stolen pens and paper - ugh! I too have received "office supplies" as gifts from Ns. Even if they rip-off the stuff, they believe themselves to be oh so generous to us lowly peons. Once I sent MN mother, MN sister and brother a hug box at christmas with tons of thoughtful, nicely wrapped gifts inside for each of them, including individual cards. I got nothing from them in return. Not even a lousy Merry Christmas telephone call. But MN sister decided to save face - it would never occur to her to reach out to me at christmas - and sent me a belated New Years card with a cheap pen. I believe it was one of those pens you get when you sign up for a magazine subsciption. It's exactly her style to give one family member the magazine subscription as a present, and keep the crap promotional gift for herself, and in this case, gift it to me.

      I'm still trying to picture that one lonely plate with a weird pastel country design. Too much. If you have a dog, I hope that became his dinner plate.

      Thank for the birthday wishes, ANON!

      Delete
  8. "I'm still trying to picture that one lonely plate with a weird pastel country design. Too much. If you have a dog, I hope that became his dinner plate."
    That would have been a great use for this hideous thing, but I threw it in the trash because it irritated me. I should have taken a picture of it first because this story just isn't complete without a visual.

    On a support site for adult children, we were comparing notes on crappy gift giving one day, and there were quite a few of us who had received office supplies - now you're saying that you did too. Then after you sent lovely Xmas gifts, you get a freaking pen back, yet another office supply. I just have to ask - what the hell is up with Ns and the office supplies? Anyone want to take a stab at that? :)

    As an aside, one of the ladies on the adult children's site said that she received hand stained underwear from her mother on a regular basis. Confused, I just had to ask her to clarify. Her mother would buy her white underwear, then stain them with tea to become skin colored. Why? Because buying skin colored panties off the rack wasn't special, but dying them with her own hands was. LMAO!!!

    I swear, no matter what I read about these people, I will never be surprised.

    ANON

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, office supplies. One N boyfriend gifted me a datebook that he stole from his office, and I guess I was supposed to get all hot and bothered over such a romantic gesture. I mean... if he had tossed in some post-it notes, and a highlighter I may have have gotten turned-on.

      As for the underwear. What the what?! Hilarious! Don't know what to make of that, except to say those MNs are sooo strange.

      Delete
  9. Wow!

    And Happy Birthday!!!

    So sorry to hear those birthday stories. Sounds like your NM and NS team up together to
    play two ends against the middle. (And you are in the middle). My husband is in the same
    situation in his family. It is his mom and his brother who are peas in a pod and my husband
    is the scapegoat.

    Love the cards that you posted on your website. Very funny!! They actually made me think
    of something that I have thought someone needs to invent-- greeting cards for abusive/narcissistic
    parents that ACoNs can purchase on major holidays. The reason I have been thinking about this
    is because my husband won't cut off his own narc parents even after one example of
    outrageous behavior after the next. In fact, his mom falls into the malignant narcissist/sociopath
    category and she is seriously one_of_the_worst examples I have ever encountered. Anyhow,
    my FIL lets my husband know when each holiday/birthday is approaching that my husband owes
    his parents expensive greeting cards. My husband dutifully goes and buys them at Hallmark
    every year. HOWEVER, now that my husband is slowly waking up to the nature of his parents,
    he no longer wants to buy greeting cards so he asks me to do it. I go and buy fairly
    neutral ones, sign them. and send them from our family. Of course, this has also pissed his
    parents off because they want him to do it-- they want him to acknowledge how 'special' they
    are in writing. Since I am the one doing it, they don't accept the cards as 'valid' in their eyes.
    (This is probably about control-- big surprise!!) But, of the two its my MIL who is the
    malignant/sadistic narcissist. She makes anything FIL could do or say pale in comparison.
    (Yes, it is that bad!)

    So, what if someone launched a line of Hallmark-type cards that ACoNs could buy for their
    malignant narcissistic parents? Because gee, every time we set foot in the Hallmark store,
    just can't find any greeting cards that tell the truth. The cards usually say something along
    the lines of: "Happy Mothers Day! To a mother who spent her life loving me, sacrificing for me,
    supporting me, and helping me achieve my wildest dreams! You are the best mom anyone
    could ask for! Blah blah blah..." Now, in the case of malignant narcissists they would see such
    a card and likely believe that this is how they are. (Most personality disordered folks lack
    the ability to have insight into their behavior as the world actually perceive it. So, in the MN's
    mind, they would believe they are the person the card is describing.) BUT.... to the adult
    child of a malignant narcissist, and in order to be honest, the greeting card would actually
    need to say something along the lines of: "Hope you have a tragically UNhappy Mothers Day!
    To a mother who spent her life hating me, sacrificing me so she could feel good about herself,
    turning her back on me in times of need, and making sure I never achieved my wildest dreams!
    You are the WORST mom anyone could ask for and I am so HAPPY I have left your home forever!"

    At least that type of card would tell the truth. And that would be funny (and possibly cathartic
    for the sender!!

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    1. this is so funny i love it, i have always found it difficult to find mothers day cards, i cannot send her anything that contains a verse, i've never sent her a card with any more than "happy mothers day" inside,
      i've felt so alone all these years, you ladies have really made me smile :)

      Delete
  10. How about...

    Outside - "It's hard to find the words to express what I feel inside..."
    Inside - "But 'fuck you' would be a good place to start."

    Love,
    Your Daughter the Scapegoat

    I don't know about the rest of you, but this is as close to warm, fuzzy feelings that I've gotten in a while! LOL

    ANON

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    Replies
    1. LMAO!!!!! I effing LOVE that!!! Now I'm trying to think of images that could go with it.

      Delete
  11. Dysfunction family greetings! An honest line of tell it how it is greeting cards for the family you love to hate. Even the narcs could get in on it. To borrow from ANON...

    Outside - "It's hard to find the words to express what I feel inside..."
    Inside - "Because I have no inside, I'm a soulless monster."

    Sadistically yours FOREVER,
    MN Mother

    Now this is warm and fuzzy feel good fun!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hah hah!!!

    Thanks for the laugh Lisette and Anon.

    Now someone needs to create 'mock-ups' of these in photoshop and share them with
    the rest of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A late happy birthday, Lissette. Funny, but I spent most of my life wondering why my family could always find "the perfect" gifts for each other but that mine were always terrible amd seemed cheapy. It has taken me until today, at 58 years old, to realize that the gifts I received were crappy because the gifters deliberately meant them to be crappy. Oh well.

      I have just started attending a new church that truly exemplifies my feelings about life and how to treat others. universalist unitarian. I didn't even know a church like this exists. I don't know that it's actually a religion because the first song I heard going in there was "Imagine." I'm not sure why I am telling you this except that it seems the universe is coming up with new things to explore as i finally reinvent myself in such a way as to allow me to truly be accepted for who i am.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous, thank you for the late birthday wishes. It's really nice to hear that the universe is opening up to you as you journey toward the person you are meant to be. I truly believe that's when it all starts to happen. Such good news. Thanks for sharing that.

      Delete
  13. Oh Lisette, I could so relate to your birthday story. Birthdays were an awful time, because we were reminded of how insignificant we are to our own parents. I remember birthdays in my home, because they were never celebrated. And if I dared mention it was anyone's birthday, it was like committing a crime. How dare I expect anything, after all, I was supposed to know the pecking order in my home, I was last on the totem pole, be a non-entity in my home, with no other existence than to serve my parents. And if I dared bring up it was my birthday, then I was reprimanded by my parents, while they went off on a half hour rant about how they did SO much for me, sacrificed so much. Till this day, I wonder what they sacrificed. I was an exemplary child, never asked them for anything, always studying and never ever caused problems. Yet, I was labelled as the most ungrateful human being if I dared utter it was my birthday. These N parents are really a piece of work. Thanks for sharing your story, it must not have been easy, but you're not alone. We're here for you!

    Susan

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    1. Oh yes, N parents are really a piece of work. I believe "Ungrateful" was the name my N parents used instead of my real name. "Hey, Ungrateful! Get in here!" Actually the whole spiel was "lazy, spoiled-rotten, good for nothing, ungrateful brat!" Quite a mouthful, but for some reason this was easier for them than saying my name. Through writing this post and reading the comments, I have come to realize why I never enjoyed celebrating my birthday. And why I was so uncomfortable when friends and co-workers made a big deal out of it.

      Susan, thanks for sharing your experience, and right back atcha!

      Delete
  14. Narc grandma-in-law decided to pass on her fine family tradition to my child. It really means a lot when you give a toddler several birthday cards instead of just one like the other grandparents. Who cares if they're racy, sexist ones that are not at all child-friendly? Then you make a little book using paper, pen and a stapler. It's a book about the buying of the present.It mentions "grandma-in-law" 27 times, just so you don't forget that the birthday is about grandma-in-law, and how grandma-in-law went to the amazing effort of going to the store to buy a gift. I guess that's really award-winning material, given that narcs consider it quite a burden to do such a thing. Then the gift: a toy made of little bits of wood glued together, which is not safe for toddlers, and so can't be used by toddler, which makes the toddler cry. To seal it off, narc grandma tells child's parents that the gift the other grandparents gave was really a back massager, and not the toy car that it appears to be. What a terrible present for a child: a back massager. Sure. Right. Whatever.

    ReplyDelete
  15. A BACK Massager? Damn, now they're gift wrapping their dildos and trying to foist them off as "gifts" to a truly unsuspecting second-generation Supply source. That alone would have been the NC catalyst, IMO.
    Mon Dieu.
    TW

    ReplyDelete
  16. i love this blog its the only thing keeping me sane right now, several times my mother gave me bags of wool on my birthday, supposed to be for jumpers she didnt have time to make and never did, promises of money intead of presents for christmas which never materialised,
    ive been NC with N grandmother for nearly 6 years, this came about after she shouted at me on my 30th birthday over something my N sister had done to upset my poor old N momster ha ha,
    i always suspected the fact this happened on my birthday wasn't a coincidence, i only found out about N's a few months back, it has completly changed my outlook on life,
    thank you so much for this blog xxx

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    Replies
    1. Helen, bags of wool?! For real? Did she also toss a box of Betty Crocker cake mix at you and call that your birthday cake?!

      I'm glad you found your way here. Step right up and board the next train leaving dysfunction family junction.

      Delete
  17. First of all, thanks for bringing your blog back! It definitely helped me a lot when I was in the first stage of aftershock after my NMother's self-pity meltdown.

    That occurred last year on my 40th birthday. I had not seen her for 5 and a half years (best part of being an (now ex) army wife, got away from her). She was jealous that my sisters and I in the photos and that she had not been invited to join in immediately. They were using a mobile phone at a restaurant for Heaven's sake, she couldn't have fitted in next to us anyway. Let's just say she will never ever be staying with my family or vice versa after that episode. It finished off the last bit of hope that she'll ever change. Thankfully I didn't get a phone call or even email from her on Christmas either.

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  18. ha ha no buying a cake mix would have been far too much effort for her, I once joked to her about the bags of wool she used to give me as a child, i was about 23 and married at the time, so she started making me a jumper from the same wool i had upwrapped years before.
    the jumper was hideous hung down to my knees and the v neck came down to my belly button. of course i was very ungrateful for not wanting to wear it!
    although i am NC with mummy i have still allowed my oldest 2 children to have contact with her, my mother gave my 14 yr old daughter a pair of gloves for her birthday but she left them at my mothers house, so she wrapped them up again and gave them to her for christmas, when my daughter questioned it, she got really offended and called my daughter ungrateful!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Bags of wool? I guess I have no business complaining about the dishtowels or one lonely plate I got, now do I? Wow!

    "Did she also toss a box of Betty Crocker cake mix at you and call that your birthday cake?!"
    I was wondering the same. lol This could possibly be one of the few times evilb went a step beyond someone else's mother! One year, she actually mixed up the batter and gave it to me with an unlit candle in the middle of the bowl. She planned to bake it, but something happened - maybe something pissed her off and she no longer felt like baking? Who knows!

    Welcome aboard, Helen - you're in good company here! Keep reading, and comment when you can - this will be one of the few places where you will be understood. :)

    ANON

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    1. Another laugh out loud moment about evilb! Sloppy cake batter with a lonely unlit candle swimming around? Happy freakin' Birthday! When it comes to crazy ass evil MNMs that evilb sure takes the cake! (pun intended).

      Delete
  20. one christmas i really wanted a pair of dr martens, i was about 14, christmas day i opened my present in front of all my aunts uncles etc, it was a dr martens box, i was so happy,
    i opened the box and there was an old pair of my uncles workboots inside.
    the look of devastation on my face must have been a picture, i still remember the roar of laughter from the others in the room.
    she said she had been unable to get a pair and would buy them as soon as they were in stock, which she did, i received them late january.
    she set me up for devastation and humiliation in front of everybody on christmas day!,
    They say you develop more sympathy and understanding of your mother when you become a mother yourself.
    well i am a mother of 4 and the more i progress down the road of motherhood, the less understanding i have for her and more i despise her.
    i'd forgotten about that until i was reading this blog, feels good to get it out xxx

    ReplyDelete
  21. That was really cruel of your mother, Helen. A simple "I owe you" would have been sufficient, but probably a lot less entertaining for her...Evilb (my mother) was good for this sort of thing, always looking for some way to humiliate me publicly, enjoying my reaction, then chastising me for not being able to take a joke. According to her, the problem was never her behavior, it was simply that I had no sense of humor.

    "They say you develop more sympathy and understanding of your mother when you become a mother yourself."
    I've heard this myself...I'm the mother of two, soon to be three, and with each passing moment, I despise her more and more. I wouldn't even dream of inflicting an ounce of pain, humiliation, abuse, or neglect on my children, so being a mother has just made me question what kind of a monster could do all of the above without batting an eyelash.

    ANON

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  22. Ms. Usher, That was nasty to do to you. Yk, I have a dear friend who's well in his 60's now and grew up in poverty-of many kinds. One day, he came home from school and was told by his father there was a bicycle for him but it was down in the basement. He flew down those stairs and...no bike. His father roared with laughter and said, "April Fools!" (His birthday is in early April.) This guy is a tough, two tour Vietnam Combat Vet and that event *still* haunts him to this day: "Why did he do that to me, TW?"
    I could not agree more with your statement, "(as I) progress down the road of motherhood, the less understanding I have for her and more I despise her." Amen. Also, the older I've become the more disgusted with Psychob I've become.
    Yes, kids need a lot of stuff, but what they need MOST is an unconditionally loving parent. And THAT doesn't cost a dime.
    TW

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  23. You can be sure that when you do come into some money, your MN relatives will go out of their way to contact you and offer their grudging congratulations. Cut into their story by telling them that they needn't expect a handout or bother attending your will reading or funeral because you are leaving everything to the church or the cats' home, or whatever other charity you can think of, the wackier the better. Laughingly tell them to do their level best having you committed like they've always wanted to. Watch them go into piranha mode trashing your name. If you actually become famous, they'll write sob stories to the media telling everyone how you cut them out of your life once you made it.

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  24. I can't say I ever got shafted with gifts, probably because I was the only child, but gift giving in the last ten years got so weird, I don't send my NM gifts any more, I just send her money. Our situation revolves around power: we agreed not to exchange $100 checks and then she sent one anyway, which meant I had to hurry up and send one before it was late. I also cannot find cards on holidays, so I have a stash of blank ones, that I write very concise "wishing you a great day" or somesuch bland and vague bullshit to go through the motions. The last actual gift my mother got was a Mother's Day gift 4 years ago and I had to call her to see if she got it. It was a very nice Versace scarf I found at a great price. Great colors for her, nice design. She proceeds to thank me for the gift by reminding me that when I was 13, I rooted through my Christmas presents, tried on a pair of jeans,the receipt fell on the floor, she found it when she got home, and that really pissed her off -- and still is worthy of repeating apparently. That was 33 years ago and since I have given her 3-4 years of IRA's and managed to get her about 20K into her savings -- and she had NO money saved up before that. So that's the way she thanked me for her nice Mother's Day gift and it's the last one. We exchange xmas checks and she gets a check for M-Day and I put zero effort into finding gifts now. My family substitutes money for everything else, because they have nothing else to offer. So even after I have given my mother way more than most kids have given a parent, she thinks it's OK to bully me about something that pissed her off 33 years ago. OH! I almost forgot: she sent cards and put quotes around words like "daughter", "love", "mother". For years I told her it makes no sense but she kept doing it until we saw The Big Bang, & one of the guys on the show complained about his mother doing the same --- THEN she stopped doing it! OY VEY, some days I think I will lose my mind.

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  25. Oh dear, birthdays were the worst time. And like the naive daughter desperate for a normal life I was, I always hoped THIS year will be different.

    Every birthday my NM would let me pick out the exact theme I wanted, invited whoever I wanted and would let me pick out my gifts. Great, right? Except that came with a lot of strings attached. Until the party it was held over my head constantly. "rub my back or your party is canceled." "cook me dinner or no party" etc

    Then the night before the party she'd be in a bad mood, go on a rampage and trash the house (very typical thing) leaving me to clean it. The morning she'd say the party was off, she's taking the cake back and I have to call everyone and tell them.

    Being the little girl I was I'd cry and beg and grovel at her feet. Which she loved. The very last second she'd inform me out of the kindness of her heart she's let me have a party even though I wasn't worthy. People would arrive in time to see NM all smiles, trying to put attention on herself.

    So she got her power rush from me and managed to look like a good mom too. More like happy birthday to her.

    Oh and she'd return half the gifts. In my teens I wised up and stopped having birthdays.

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    1. I thought I had closed off comments on all posts, but I guess I missed one.

      Anyway, thanks for your comment, sassy. It's the perfect example of what a deal with the devil looks like - of course, unsuspecting prey, like children, never know that they have an "unwritten" contract with the narcissist. The worst position to be in is to ever want or need anything from a Malignant Narcissist. They will lord it over you and use it to control, manipulate and dominate you. And don't expect to ever see what they are using to power trip you with. The MN will get sheer sadistic pleasure by dangling a carrot in front of us. Of course, as children we can't comprehend that the sicko parent is getting off at seeing us squirm, most adults don't clue in to how despicable MNs are until they've been repeatedly messed with.

      It's sad that you had to stop having birthdays to keep yourself safe. It's always a zero-sum game for the MN. For them to win, someone else has to lose. Your hateful MN mother essentially stole your birthdays from you - if she couldn't get off by tormenting you about your birthday, you weren't going to have one at all. I believe much of the deprivation we have experienced is a direct result of being abused for having anything, including a birthday. If we lay low and have no wants and needs and don't draw any attention away from the narcissist then maybe we won't be abused... or at least, not as much.

      Bottom line: if you outshine the malignant narcissist in any way, if just by existing you draw a drop of attention away from the MN, they will target you for destruction and try and take away what ever it is you have - EVEN A BIRTHDAY. Because the attention you may receive by having "it" will diminish the glow of the narcissist's glory. So, unless you are someone with power that the narcissist fears, you better lay low or get the hell away.

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  26. Dear Lisette,
    Thank you so much. For my 37th birthday card MNF told me he joined a secret society which he "is very good at" and if he told me more he "would have to kill me." Finally, I am waking up. Thank you all so much for your courage and community! It means the world to me.

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