Yael, It's good to hear your from you. Thanks for your comment.
The reality is, there would be no game, if all the N appeasers, guilty bystanders, and denial prone didn't play along with them.
Oh, the holiday season. We can all expect "upticks" in their activity. So true.
"The next 2 months are like a playground of carnage for them."
Which is one reason, to board a plane, head straight to the beach, and drink a pina colada under a palm tree. Then the only thing thumping you over the head will be a delicious coconut.
I wonder often if the reasons for absence from commenting and posting on blogs of and for survivors is the mental toll it takes. Every time I write something in that capacity, it drains me. I can't get drained like that because I won't go into the pit of self-despair and misery they WANT me to AND I'm a parent of a genuinely joyful child who needs my love and attention and empathy and attention. Having a child (and spouse!) and needing to care/love/be present for him saved me--I wonder if others feel that too? I finally understand how family is supposed to work. And it includes not just those whose blood we share, but whose journeys I share and admire. It's called freedom, too, I think.
I admire the way you keep up the fight; there are some things you say that ring too true for comfort and some I don't totally agree with (hey look! we respect opinion differences--what a concept!) You are honest and sincere and I wish nothing but good things for you. It makes me feel like I can too. And even though we don't know one another personally, you make a difference. So do so many others who, frankly, are sacrificing a piece of their well-being to heal and help others. Our predicaments all have nearly sci-fi deja-vu-esque identical background stories.
This week has been (apologies to TR) an "it won't give up it wants me dead g*dda*n this noise inside my head" experience. Fuck em.
You might get a giggle that the captcha for my last comment was "brace." Life, it seems, is not without a sense of wry humor. :)
Yael, I see the irony in the captcha "brace." Funny.
I can understand that writing, and or reading, something in that capacity (blogs/comments) can be draining. Focusing our energy on our loved ones, and living life, is not exclusive to writing about this stuff. At least not for me. I'm not sacrificing a piece of my well-being as much as I'm taking a journey to the heart of darkness to write about my experiences and thoughts on how these evil creatures operate. Maybe that's why I write such gargantuan sized blogs... they tide me over for a long while, before it's time to journey back. I don't see writing about the PD as going into the pit of self-despair and misery that they WANT. I see it as taking principled action to be heard, and speak our truth, as well as expose the MN's dangerous ways of being in the world... which is precisely what they DON'T WANT.
I am glad that you found the love of a REAL family and the freedom that comes with it. Being grateful, staying focused on the good things in life, and staying well should always be priority number one.
We all need to do what's best for us. If that means dabbling, immersing, or staying the hell away from blogs on Ns - so be it. At least there's cold comfort in knowing that, if we do have that noise inside our heads, we can choose to vent "anonymously" on the mysterious forum known as the internet.
Since the narcs I've dealt with "up close and personal" and had the longest history of interaction with were BOTH female, I agree they ARE considerably sneakier and a bit less obvious-initially-than the males. Yes, they absolutely WANT what you have and it's beyond want to "Covet."
There was, however, a considerable difference or "flavor of Narc" between MNmother and Nsister. Perhaps it was the nature of the relationship more so than the PD but for what it's worth, here's a couple observations to add to this-another "Lisette-Hits-It-Out-Of-The-Park-Again-Post:"
Nsis would absolutely stick you in the back with a knife-any size, shape, variety would do as long as it was capable of injuring/defacing you. She would take some ridiculous projection, smear it all over you and claim you just decided to lay down and roll over in a huge pile of dung neglecting to mention she worked god knows how long at positioning and requisitioning the poop, placing the trip wire 'just so' guaranteeing you'd unwitting fall in, flail about while trying to climb out while she stomped all over your fingers as they grasped the edge of the pile. After finally extricating yourself, she'd complain (gleefully) to everyone about how you stunk, your stupidity for falling over your own two feet etc. The key to her type of narc was avoidance. Pursing you was too much trouble and planning. Simple enough.
MNmother, however was a whole different level of narc. She would chase you from here to hell and back again with a chainsaw-no knives for this one, subtlety was NOT her forte. However, she WAS very vested in dirtying you up in every possible way to everyone and anyone: The unfortunate stranger who was stuck next to her on a plane, train, limo-where ever, who ever. Her stealth, however knew NO bounds. She was the mistress of terrorism and her tactics depended entirely on the most basic tenant of terrorism-the unanticipated spectacular blow-up in your life. Sure, after awhile you learn to build your fortress of safety higher and wider, to move to uncharted territory in the hopes of freedom from this terrorism. This is a person who will launch a missile from a cruiser somewhere far out to sea when lobbing a grenade could have done the trick. No matter the "cost" the goal is total annihilation and scorched earth. You re-build from the ashes with the knowledge it's just a matter of time before you're hunted again and the cycle continues......until the formerly die-hard believers start to realize she's even too extreme for THEM. And the rest of the world regards her-and them-as the wack-jobs they truly are. Her tactics were not ONE BIT DIFFERENT from any terrorist organization. Eventually they turn on one another and self-destruct or die bitter, nasty and alone. Just the way they lived. The goal here is to stand your ground, let your personal integrity and decency speak for itself and while it won't make you "bomb-proof," it will ensure others who know you and believe in your basic goodness and decency will help you rebuild, provide you food, shelter and solace during those times of rebuilding.
There are some human qualities that are upheld in the name of basic human decency, respect and love no matter the 'name' of the aggressor or the battle cry-greed and envy. MNs have no effective weapons against these qualities. If they can't steal yours, they'll do their best to destroy you-the receptacle. It doesn't work.
Anonymous. Haven't you heard? With therapy a malignant narcissist can make progress. I guess progress for cannibals is getting them to eat with a fork. I am for launching them on a slow boat with a fast leak.
Anonymous, I can relate to the N jamming the knife into your back, and twisting it with one hand, while "seemingly" soothing the pain with the other - SET-UP. I can also relate to the less obvious, no-holds-barred chain saw murdering bitch.
Destroying the receptacle never works. It's the core of a person that survives, no matter what shape the battle has left them. The narcs lose. Hands-down. We're still standing, and the truth lives on.
Lisette's post is spot on. It's the strangest thing to finally come to the conclusion that a person who should be geared to feel happiness for you... despises you. For no good reason. That's the only way to explain their contempt of us. Pure envy. I'll be damned if I get what my mother envies in me or anyone else us but she does. Before I went NC, every conversation I had with her ended with her seething in anger. She would start just like a normal little old lady and end up smacking the arm of the couch with her fist. Her face screwed up into a ball of hate and bitterness. I have to assume she always mocked me. In her head. I moved in to care for her and the more time I spent with her, the more her mask slipped and her real self shined through. As I sat there and spilled my guts to her about my life and feelings and what mattered to me. She sat there and I guess thought what a pathetic loser. I'd like to crush him like a bug. His life is dictated to him by his emotions. Yet at the same time envied my ability to feel for the people that mattered to me. You really can't win with these guys.
q1605, Yes. YOUR humanity, and your feelings about your life and what mattered to you made HER feel like a pathetic loser, and she thought if she can crush you like a bug then SHE won't feel like life's biggest loser. Because that's all they are really... losers that missed the boat of life called humanity.
"Then the only thing thumping you over the head will be a delicious coconut."
Just in case some of your readers don't know, a coconut falling on your head is potentially fatal, like a brick. Enjoy the beach but please don't sit under coconut trees.
True. However, I do believe all the enablers, the flying-monkeys, the "do-gooders" and their ilk who believe that "nice, little old lady" with the meaner-than-a-snake adult daughter who fled for her life years before might get "death by coconut" because "Death-by-narc-parent" doesn't "compute."
Until that nice little old lady finally burns THEIR asses. THEN it's the big, "OH NOOOOOOO!" (oh yeah, baby...."get it" NOW?)
That's right anonymous. At least some of us have a basic sense of concern for others.
Flee from the dangerous MN NUT, and don't sit under a cocunut tree.... those "husks" they come in are just as lethal as the narc's, and the narc doesn't have a sweet filling.
Okay. Think I've about exhausted the coconut metaphor.
JEEZ. I do have that creepy feeling that my sister is "doing" me. I listened to the soiopath next door. After reading your thought, I know she is. It really hurts. I need to trust my gut and not engage, maybe she will find some else to barbeque. J
Thank you for your courage, your clarity and your insight.
I cannot explain how comforting it is to read about 'what is happening to you', to get perspective and detachment.When these people (mother, sister, father in law) attack you so personally it is very hard not to take it personally. These 3 I mentioned defy belief in their actions, I wouldnt even know where to start. My partner killed himself, he hanged himself and wasnt found for three days after 'another' fight with his evil MN father and I stood at his funeral with a 6 week old baby to not even have her mentioned and us completely, delibeately and publicly shunned, he stole my daughters inheritance, he then denied our daughter was his sons despite no reason on this earth to say that (if she wasnt he could access the 240k death benefit from work) and I spent the next year and 40k through lawyers to prove otherwise.
You have to wonder what happens to these people as they approach their own death and you have to wonder if they have any idea, any insight, of how others feel about them.
I simply, even now, do not understand the effort required t be like that, the 'never let up' evilness and how the hell they arnt walking around looking over their shoulder because if I had behaved like this to someone I would fully expect them to take me out.
Thank you for your insights and relief, I mean it completely sincerely.
I'm glad you took-up the fight with an MN. Truth - to - Power! It's not an easy fight to take-on. I hope you won... Nay, I know you won!! And I hope you get the 40K back in legal fees from the slimebag MN. Money truley is not the point however, when it comes to these evil creatures. It sounds like the sick bastard killed his son then wanted to reap financial rewards for his "indirect" actions. Again, your courage and strength is to be commended. I am sorry for your loss.
As far as what happens to these "people" as they approach their own death... I really don't think they give a damn. Life is all about them and what they can exploit from others. Their history of abuse, evil deeds, heinous crimes (toward their own family - children) doesn't register on the richter scale of a conscience because they have none. Yet, the cruel irony is, they expend a hell of a lot of energy trying to "destroy" others.
I wish the best for you and your dear child. May you and your daughter be free of the sick MN dynamics. Let the Lawyers deal with them, if you have to deal with them at all.
Ps. I hope they all get what's coming to them. But from what I've observed - life in the here and now, rarely touches them - so who knows what lurks beyond the living. Just very proud of you for taking on the fight.
I did win and not only that I both frightened and exposed him for what he is. I picked up on his behaviours quickly because of the experience I had growing upwith the most horrible person I have ever met, my mother. Interestingly, he seemed to sense that I was on to it. My partners father has dominated a tiny little kingdom in a small suburb off a bigger city, his other three children live within a few houses of each other, even his ex wife lives around the corner. He has ALWAYS got his way and he has NEVER been pulled up. His son was a bit more spirited though, but unfortunatley he took the actions of his father and his utterly dominated spineless family personally.
That was the fundamental difference between us, he took it personally, I could never relate to my mothers actions enough to really apply them to my 'self' as a person. She was just that relentlessly evil and underhanded. It wasnt easy growing up but there was always a shield of protection helping me to recover from the mallet blows of emotional abuse. Their actions ARE NOT personal anymore than if a random person fell over in the street by accident, you didnt cause that and the bruises are not yours.
For all other people out there to whom you offer support, that is the crux of it, DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. That thought puts them back behind the plate glass where they belong. It takes a while to get to that thought pattern really try. If, by the grace of god, another child had been born instead of you they would be behaving the same to that child. IT IS THEM, NOT YOU!!!!
Anyway, I do not have either my mother, sister or father in law in my life and I have protected my beautiful, funny and loving daughter legally, morally and on every level I could think of. I have great lifelong friends and when my partners father thought he could bully me in the street I think he expected me to run, but I have Highland Scot in my blood. I am normally very placid, I have chooks, border collies and I make pickles and jams for people but when he tried to bully me my Scottish heritage sprang forth like the claw of a big cat. I looked him in the evil unhealthily yellowed eyes and I told him very quietly that if he ever went near me, my daughter or anyone with whom she associates so help me god I will personally take his head clean off with a bat and I wont stop till I have had enough and my distaste for him is out of my system. I do not recommend violence but at that moment I really meant it, I still do really.
I also told him that I am reporting him to the police and that if anything untoward happens to me or my property that I want him investigated first and my mother second. And I did report that to the police.
He just backed off, he actually walked off backwards. Funny thing was, it annoyed me how much of a coward he showed himself to be, what a bully in a paperbag, what a wimp.
Thank you for your reply Lisette, you are doing a great thing and I offer total admiration for your courage. I actually cried when I read your reply, I genuinely felt that you understood.
I am the daughter of a malignant narcissistic mother, and can relate what happened on her death bed through other sources. I went No Contact with her and her band flying monkeys 8 years before her death; so I didn't attend the Grand Finale. But, I heard it was a combination of "the joy of going to heaven" and "be sure you don't let up on that so-called daughter of mine".
What this undoubtably illustrates was the ever present fear of exposure by being sure the monkeys had their last orders to carry on - even on her death bed and after, when, according to her, she would be "joyful in heaven". I can't help but wonder if they give out Oscar-winning performances in Hell.
She even got to my children, who knew and experienced her first-hand, by promising them a piece of her inheritence as long as they didn't give any to me. She set up some king of trust, where my children have to go to the Golden Child and show, with documentation, what they need the money for. I never wanted her money because money could never ease the suffering life she made for me. All I ever wanted was love - something I know now, she was incapable of giving.
Since then, I have been kept in the dark about any deaths, weddings and births in the "family". Even those who believed what she did to me my entire life, including my children, turned on me and joined the band because they couldn't believe I would allow my "poor mother" to die without making peace with her.
Death to a malignant narcissist is the ultimate opportunity to be the center of attention, before a captive audience, and do the most lasting damage before the curtain comes down.
And her evil plan went off without a hitch. What a clossal bitch!
None of these MNs can carry out their destruction without accomplices. Sometimes I don't know who's worse - the evil MN or her band of soulless monkeys. That's rough, Anonymous. Even your children have been brought to the dark side. What can I tell you? Many people are disgustingly weak and easily manipulated. I believe you are too darn strong to receive membership to their sick little club. Perhaps being kept in the dark means staying in the light of reality.
The major players in the Oligarchy of a select few, who basically control your life via money, are Malignant Narcissists (or in my day, we simply called them Megalomaniacs).
So, once you understand that... life is simpler (and somewhat easier).
AVOIDANCE! Works like a charm... every-time!
You cannot be friends with them. You cannot have a meaningful relationship with them. There is no therapy, and thus no hope. The solution is that only really of a final solution... RUN LIKE HELL.
If you demonstrate any sort of thinking that is your own, the narci will be attracted to you like a magnet and extract Narci Supply from you until you literally are dead, no joke!
Anonymous 28th June, your post is spot on in every observation.
But why must it be that we find our way to this discussion AFTER the madness finds us? We must first have stepped back far enough from the twisted toxicity to see what it wrought in our lives.
It strikes me that acquaintance with this manifestation of human nature should be required class curriculum for every 6th grader in the nation! Truly, such potential for emotional harm was not suggested even in college psychology classes. How can one be on guard? Must we always cross the path and suffer the consequence to learn this lesson?
Your discussion about the money, its bitter rantings about 'they' who pulled the financial puppet strings of the masses. Having more than enough by a long shot, grasping always for more.
Longing to ERASE UNDERSTANDING of what I now know, what I experienced, still holds me sway. The implication - sorrow for the innocent - is powerful, haunting; the pain of this mixes with my personal sorrow. Bittersweet escape brings loss of associated good people because one cannot really divulge the secret, except here.
Lisette, you seem to get very defensive and indignant when people state their opinions about a particular topic. You go off on a tirade, calling people names and such. Are you sure you're not a Narc is sheeps clothing?
Since you chose this post to make your comment about me, why don't you point out where I seem to get very defensive and indignant when people state their opinions about a "particular topic." Go ahead. Show me an example of me "going off on a tirade and calling people names and such." And what particular topic might you be referring to?
Methinks you might be on the wrong thread narcissistic life coach, counsellor, therapist, Troll etc. Why are you people so threatened by me and my little old blog? Why are your egos so massive that you can't handle an opinion on your profession that isn't favourable.
NORMAL people who work in the therapy field would likely not be bothered by some article on a personal blog. In fact, I know some that fully agree with it. But nooo, there are always the narcissistic ones that just can't take the criticism. AND you IDIOTS (there's some name calling for you) ALWAYS miss the point of the article. It's about not letting dangerous people, particularly narcissists into ones head. It's about protecting one's most private posession - our minds. It's not all about you, therapists.
So Anonymous, you have failed miserably with your snide little comment. It makes me more convinced that you are what you are. Since you're hiding out on another blog post and you don't back up your sweeping statement with any evidence.
Why don't you grab some balls and point out where I'm calling people names and "going off on a tirade" on THIS comment section (besides calling you an idiot becase that was after the fact). Hmmm it's interesting that you chose the blog post on ENVY. Is that projection? Interesting too is you saying, "Are you sure you're not a Narc in sheep's clothing?" (Yawn, eye-roll) But again, projection maybe? You're in the counselling field are you not? People PAY you you money to coach, cousel or therapise them, don't they? They assume that you will be a "safe" person to confide in.
Amazing....these narcs read your blog yet they still don't get it,lol. I guess they think we are talking about someone else, not them. Must be scary for them to be that far gone...LOL,LOL,LOL
Yup, all narcissists lack self-awareness and are completely blind to their behavior. We can see it, but they can't because they are grandiose and delusional.
I receive comments from time to time that aren't like the other comments. They really stick out. They may "appear" to be harmless, but if you read them carefully you can see that the commenter ALWAYS makes it personal in some way: they respond to another person's comment or they make it about me. They never share anything about themselves, but immediately place themselves in a position from above. They don't relate in their comments because their narcissism makes them incapable of relating. To relate one must see the other as equal. These narcs that come on here write passive aggressively. But it's easy to spot.
I recently posted a comment that appears to be innocuous, but I know it was written by one far gone narc. What's interesting is the timing of that comment and the one above.
As for the one above, it's overtly narcissistic. This idiot comes onto my blog and starts wagging their pointy little finger at me. What these imbeciles don't get - because they are narcissists - is that this is my turf NOT theirs. Narcissists don't respect other people's boundaries. They bust into your home, criticize the way you've arranged the furniture and then start moving things around to their liking. And they feel entitled to do it.
Another thing about narcissists is that they see righteous anger as "indignation." You see, we have no right be angry about anything. We must be compliant and take it.
Narcissists also view someone who fights passionately for their cause, values, and beliefs to be "defensive" or "going off on a tirade." These imbeciles can call it whatever they want. In the face of my value system being threatened, I will aggressively defend it. The thing is, narcissists don't understand this passion because they don't feel passionately about anything or anyone. They are empty inside. They also hate it when people have strong beliefs and opinions.
Narcissists want to control the whole damn world and everyone and everything in it. That's why they slither onto blogs and tell people what to do.
It must be really scary to be a far gone, out of control, control freak.
I love how you are checking that imbecile....well said..keep on speaking the truth about those "Monsters" who really don't need to be "Breathing". I love your blog because there are some people who don't know anything about these "Evil" snakes. Thank you for "Enlighting" people on this subject!
You are astute in pointing out the narcissism of the person who made that snide comment. I have an online memoir that I created to tell my story of my personal interactions with a group of sociopaths. Here is my memoir: (but you have to have an account to view it unfortunately) http://www.fastpencil.com/projects/57931-Memoir I allowed people to comment on it, and under my chapter titled "Point of no Return" there is a person who left similar comments. He left personal attacks on me after reading a memoir when I talk about being traumatized. It really revealed his true nature. He never wanted to go beyond personal attacks and instead present evidence based on reality and proof. And he stopped contact with me after that. He was someone I had been communicating with prior to this incident.
I almost fell out of my chair when NM accused someone else of having NPD, so I am not shocked, that a narcissist can read this blog, and then still not "get it". All they do is project their weaknesses onto others.
But what is very telling, is what a NM will decide to talk about. You can clearly see their own weaknesses through their own projections. All the ideas they are trying to plant in your head, as if these are your own thoughts, is actually them projecting.
Through all my MNs displaced comments and insults about me, I've come to the conclusion of the following:
1) she's a horrific cook 2) she is obese and has a weight problem 3) she is a horrible horrible mother 4) she is a horrible wife, and deserves to be abandoned. 5) she is clueless and stupid 6) she is needy parasitic, weak and dependent. 7) she is especially jealous of her own daughter.
I say this, because out of the blue, she will insult someone for no reason, siting these things. "oh, she is such a horrible mother", "oh, she is so obese" "oh, my daughter is a horrific cook"
She is talking about herself. So her saying how so and so has NPD, on some level she must know that she is guilty of having the disorder.
This is a great example of taking narc abuse and foisting it back onto the narc. The only thing that comes out of their mouth is projection in the form of lies, criticism, slander, and even suggestion. Every negative thing they say about others is about themselves. Rarely to do they speak well of others. If they do, they don't mean it. It's just another way to abuse their target by comparison, in order to make the target feel inferior. So you can take the insult hidden in the compliment and apply it to the narcissist.
All Narcs use our minds as containers for their toxic projections. Once we recognize this we can close the lid on our minds and not let them in. Just boomerang their bull-shit back to them and get a good long look at what is going on inside their heads and what troubles them most about themselves.
Yes. The narc's projections are their weak spots, and it's information we can use against them.
BTW, both my narcissitic mother, and mother in law, have done this EXACTLY
"They bust into your home, criticize the way you've arranged the furniture and then start moving things around to their liking. And they feel entitled to do it"
"It must be really scary to be a far gone, out of control, control freak"
This is why I think they live their life with such paranoia. Essentially, their life is in the hands of others. They can try to control the other person, but never does this work. It just comes across like they are personality disordered, and people then avoid them like the plague.
They cant take care of themselves. The are dependent on the actions of others, and then they are completely and totally lost when the inevitable happens, either by abandonment, or death, (because they drove the person to cancer, a stroke, etc).
My mother is aware of her toxic effect on my mother. As his health deteriorates, all she can say, "and she says this out loud" "I dont want people to think that I made your father sick.. He is getting that operation!! So he can get well!"
Or my ex N husband, "stop crying.. I dont want people to think that I did something to you!"
Ns control NOTHING. No one cares about their stupid comments, or insults. People just treat them like the imbeciles they are.
Good point. The Narc's identity as all powerful Oz is totally dependent on those they wish to control. If they have no one to control they have no identity. I think that's why the abandoned MNs go bat shit when they don't have sufficient supply.
It's interesting that both your MN mother and ex N Husband admit to their abuse. Your mother knows damn well she's intentionally making your father sick because that makes her feel powerful. And your ex N probably loved to make you cry because that made him feel powerful.
These freaks know exactly what they are doing. And they are always telling on themselves.
Ever notice how quickly a MN will run away the second you calmly, cooly and collectively let her know that you see right through her?
MN: Are you combing your daughters hair? ( of course a ridiculously stupid question to cause into question your ability to care for your daughter)
Response where they run into their cave: What a strange question. Is that why my hair was so nappy headed when I was a kid?
Complete silence!!!
MN: This is all your fault!!! blame blame blame
Response: What power that I have to control a woman 50 years my senior!
Complete silence!!
Or just call them out on their ridiculous comparisons, and laugh.....
MN: my friend has kids, and she keeps her toys in the box!
Response: wow, how petty, what does your friend have to do with anyone, anything, and the price of tea in China? How unbeleivably childish.
MN: you are just lying to get my approval. (ie, in response to me letting her know that I am getting divorced and no longer at this address).
Response: Do you really let people control you like that? No mother dear, I dont care what you think about the reasons why, thats private, but I am staying this address. Really? You think I am lying because I care about what you think? Thats very interesting... (little chuckle).
NM: unsolicted advice, whatever...
Response: if I want to know about how to (some insidious inane talent she has that no one cares about) you are my goto person. But otherwise, you are the last person I would ever ask.. (giving marriage advice after I left a batterer and she took his side. I was like, GOOD CALL on that one!! No thank you.. )
COMPLETE SILENCE!!!
They are easy to shut up, and they know what they are TRYING to do. I hope they also know that they RARELY succeed.
OMG this made laugh so hard... I sometimes employ this tactic and get silence, but this is shortlived as she then goes to my sister and talks about me behind my back- classic triangulation. My sister then talks about it with me afterwards, and I hear a very altered story where I was rude, abrupt and now there is 'concern' that something is wrong with me as I was in such a bad mood.
I do employ this with other Narcs I meet, as I am in no mood for emotional vampires. They are out there!!!
When they ask prying and private questions, before I would open up- now I smile benignly and ask, 'why do you want to know that?' They are looking for supply. They have no answer for that generally and any concern they were readying to pretend to have, isnt ready yet, so they are off kilter.
Also a clue I noticed recently was when I met a woman at an expats group and she kept on saying none of her friends were talking to her anymore- but if you listened carefully, her 'advice to them' amounted to her meddling in their marriages.
My narc spidey sense went off! But everyone else was taken in with her becuase she drives an SUV and has a big house. I am waiting until it starts to fall into place and the drama starts...
OMG, you are so right on. My mother would also talk behind my back, and through my father, he would complain about how I hurt my mothers feelings. Of course, he was present while she was asking her insidious questions, and being her horrible toxic self. In the earlier years, my father would stand up to her, and would be totally disgusted with my moms behavior, but in recent years, he acts like he has stockholme syndrome, and is now very upset at ANYONE that puts my mother in her place.
My point is, Ns are in a world all by themselves. They may fool people, usually new people, in the beginning, but their tactics are easy to spot, and most people see them for who they are, like you said, "waiting for the drama to start". They will find out that she probably got the big house, and the SUV through unsavory means. ( My ex fooled people the same way).
The proxies that dont invested somehow, like my father usually scape goat us, and buy into the the triangulation. I think that with all my moms Ns supply dwindling down, my dad is getting more beatings than he used to, and now he is blaming other people that are strong enough to not put up with my moms crap. He cheated on her for 40 years, recklessly, (or just stupidly.. The story goes the mistress(s) turned on him), and now, in his older age, I think he has resigned himself to this horrible co-dependent relationship. He cant think straight, (no excuse), however.
People have minds of their own. Once they get passed all the theatrics, most people laugh at these Ns.
I can relate to this, please read my post of 5th June 2012. My N sister has forced my N mother to sell her house to maintain her false world of affluence. The authorities are in the process of confiscating her house under the proceed of crime act. My mother being an extremely awkward women was savouring the attention by stalling to sign forms to sell the house, the frustration of my sister causing her to push my mother down a small flight of stairs and punching her on another occasion, both incidents attended by Police and social services. Only a few weeks ago I mentioned this to my mother and she denied the incidents ever happened, they bully each other when one of them has the upper hand so I can only presume Stockholm Syndrome kicks in. They can fool some of the people some of the time but not all the people all the time.
Lisette, Another excellent piece from you. Envy is definitely the ulcer of the soul. It leads to irrational behavior and if like mine, your Ns are powerful, influential people who can control the people and events taking place in the world then you need to be very strong spirited to accept the fact that you cannot do anything about them crossing all limits of decency, civility and propriety and ruining your life for nothing. Not just me but my family is being hurt too, my Dad lost his job and I don't have one. Most importantly and alarmingly -my house is bugged!!!! but the Ns I'm dealing with are just unstoppable. They have no concept of maintaining boundaries and don't even care if they are doing wrong. They only care about taking revenge from me fueled by their baseless envy.
They have caused me and my folks too much pain and are now threatening to kill us for no apparent fault of mine but just because they are irrationally envious and want to hurt me unreasonably. They blow everything out of proportion and just want to hurt us, prey on us all day, everyday. They have even threatened to kill us all.
All I can do is pray that they stop and eventually get what they deserve.
@Fight4mylife..call the police on their behinds,they are afraid of the police. Don't take their abuse, this is what they are good at putting "Fear" into the person or people making themselves think they have the power, but at heart they are "Cowards"...fight4yourlife!! "God" bless you and your family!!
After reading this blog, I must say it really hit home; I myself, was the victim of people's narcissistic envy and was targeted for their destruction. Your blog speaks very true, thanks for sharing.
Hi Lisette, I've been NC with my NFOO for almost three years now and am seriously considering changing my full name (first, middle, and last) because I don't want to be associated with them by name. I'd like to know if you (or any of your posters here) think this is a good idea. I owe NM some money and would like to send her a check with my new name on it - this will be within a few months from now because I don't currently have the money. Thanks for any input you or anyone else here can give me.
Hi Noelle, I can't speak of it being a good or bad idea for you, but I can say that I went through the exact same thing. Also, I've read online that other ACONs have considered a name change.
After I ended-up hospitalized with psychological injury from the NFOO abuse of me and subsequent gaslighting and character assassination, I didn't want to be associated with them in any way. Or, carry the name that "they" chose for me. I looked into legally changing my name and even picked out a first, middle and last name. In the end, I didn't go through with it because it seemed like such a daunting endeavor (I was in full ptsd and fight or flight mode). After I was hospitalized I did flee to the opposite end of the country. I wanted as much geographic distance from my abusers as possible and this distance did make me feel safer. However, I hated them so much that I wanted to live on another continent (still do) and considered moving to another country. Again, with full-on PTSD, the whole idea was exhausting to me.
My goal is still to move to another country. When and where I do not know. I totally understand not wanting to be associated in any way with the people who are labeled "family" but really seek to destroy you. Changing your identity (even just by name) is a way of fleeing from your abusers. You've been NC for 3 years, that's great, and if changing your names makes you feel like you're shedding yourself of them, I say go for it! In fact, I give a big thumbs-up to ACONs doing whatever it takes to give themselves distance and total autonomy from their evil soul murdering narc abusers.
Great post. As always, it's like the War Games quote: "A strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
ReplyDeleteI think upticks in their activity are to be expected now. It's the holiday season. The next 2 months are like a playground of carnage for them.
Keep on moving forward, Lisette. I know I (and I'm sure others do too) find strength when I see fellow survivors not buckling.
Yael,
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear your from you. Thanks for your comment.
The reality is, there would be no game, if all the N appeasers, guilty bystanders, and denial prone didn't play along with them.
Oh, the holiday season. We can all expect "upticks" in their activity. So true.
"The next 2 months are like a playground of carnage for them."
Which is one reason, to board a plane, head straight to the beach, and drink a pina colada under a palm tree. Then the only thing thumping you over the head will be a delicious coconut.
I wonder often if the reasons for absence from commenting and posting on blogs of and for survivors is the mental toll it takes. Every time I write something in that capacity, it drains me. I can't get drained like that because I won't go into the pit of self-despair and misery they WANT me to AND I'm a parent of a genuinely joyful child who needs my love and attention and empathy and attention. Having a child (and spouse!) and needing to care/love/be present for him saved me--I wonder if others feel that too? I finally understand how family is supposed to work. And it includes not just those whose blood we share, but whose journeys I share and admire. It's called freedom, too, I think.
ReplyDeleteI admire the way you keep up the fight; there are some things you say that ring too true for comfort and some I don't totally agree with (hey look! we respect opinion differences--what a concept!) You are honest and sincere and I wish nothing but good things for you. It makes me feel like I can too. And even though we don't know one another personally, you make a difference. So do so many others who, frankly, are sacrificing a piece of their well-being to heal and help others. Our predicaments all have nearly sci-fi deja-vu-esque identical background stories.
This week has been (apologies to TR) an "it won't give up it wants me dead g*dda*n this noise inside my head" experience. Fuck em.
You might get a giggle that the captcha for my last comment was "brace." Life, it seems, is not without a sense of wry humor. :)
Yael,
ReplyDeleteI see the irony in the captcha "brace." Funny.
I can understand that writing, and or reading, something in that capacity (blogs/comments) can be draining. Focusing our energy on our loved ones, and living life, is not exclusive to writing about this stuff. At least not for me. I'm not sacrificing a piece of my well-being as much as I'm taking a journey to the heart of darkness to write about my experiences and thoughts on how these evil creatures operate. Maybe that's why I write such gargantuan sized blogs... they tide me over for a long while, before it's time to journey back. I don't see writing about the PD as going into the pit of self-despair and misery that they WANT. I see it as taking principled action to be heard, and speak our truth, as well as expose the MN's dangerous ways of being in the world... which is precisely what they DON'T WANT.
I am glad that you found the love of a REAL family and the freedom that comes with it. Being grateful, staying focused on the good things in life, and staying well should always be priority number one.
We all need to do what's best for us. If that means dabbling, immersing, or staying the hell away from blogs on Ns - so be it. At least there's cold comfort in knowing that, if we do have that noise inside our heads, we can choose to vent "anonymously" on the mysterious forum known as the internet.
Thank you for sharing your thoughtful insights
Since the narcs I've dealt with "up close and personal" and had the longest history of interaction with were BOTH female, I agree they ARE considerably sneakier and a bit less obvious-initially-than the males. Yes, they absolutely WANT what you have and it's beyond want to "Covet."
ReplyDeleteThere was, however, a considerable difference or "flavor of Narc" between MNmother and Nsister. Perhaps it was the nature of the relationship more so than the PD but for what it's worth, here's a couple observations to add to this-another "Lisette-Hits-It-Out-Of-The-Park-Again-Post:"
Nsis would absolutely stick you in the back with a knife-any size, shape, variety would do as long as it was capable of injuring/defacing you. She would take some ridiculous projection, smear it all over you and claim you just decided to lay down and roll over in a huge pile of dung neglecting to mention she worked god knows how long at positioning and requisitioning the poop, placing the trip wire 'just so' guaranteeing you'd unwitting fall in, flail about while trying to climb out while she stomped all over your fingers as they grasped the edge of the pile. After finally extricating yourself, she'd complain (gleefully) to everyone about how you stunk, your stupidity for falling over your own two feet etc. The key to her type of narc was avoidance. Pursing you was too much trouble and planning. Simple enough.
MNmother, however was a whole different level of narc. She would chase you from here to hell and back again with a chainsaw-no knives for this one, subtlety was NOT her forte. However, she WAS very vested in dirtying you up in every possible way to everyone and anyone: The unfortunate stranger who was stuck next to her on a plane, train, limo-where ever, who ever. Her stealth, however knew NO bounds. She was the mistress of terrorism and her tactics depended entirely on the most basic tenant of terrorism-the unanticipated spectacular blow-up in your life. Sure, after awhile you learn to build your fortress of safety higher and wider, to move to uncharted territory in the hopes of freedom from this terrorism. This is a person who will launch a missile from a cruiser somewhere far out to sea when lobbing a grenade could have done the trick. No matter the "cost" the goal is total annihilation and scorched earth. You re-build from the ashes with the knowledge it's just a matter of time before you're hunted again and the cycle continues......until the formerly die-hard believers start to realize she's even too extreme for THEM. And the rest of the world regards her-and them-as the wack-jobs they truly are. Her tactics were not ONE BIT DIFFERENT from any terrorist organization. Eventually they turn on one another and self-destruct or die bitter, nasty and alone. Just the way they lived. The goal here is to stand your ground, let your personal integrity and decency speak for itself and while it won't make you "bomb-proof," it will ensure others who know you and believe in your basic goodness and decency will help you rebuild, provide you food, shelter and solace during those times of rebuilding.
There are some human qualities that are upheld in the name of basic human decency, respect and love no matter the 'name' of the aggressor or the battle cry-greed and envy. MNs have no effective weapons against these qualities. If they can't steal yours, they'll do their best to destroy you-the receptacle. It doesn't work.
If it did, we wouldn't still be standin.'
Anonymous. Haven't you heard? With therapy a malignant narcissist can make progress. I guess progress for cannibals is getting them to eat with a fork.
ReplyDeleteI am for launching them on a slow boat with a fast leak.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the N jamming the knife into your back, and twisting it with one hand, while "seemingly" soothing the pain with the other - SET-UP. I can also relate to the less obvious, no-holds-barred chain saw murdering bitch.
Destroying the receptacle never works. It's the core of a person that survives, no matter what shape the battle has left them. The narcs lose. Hands-down. We're still standing, and the truth lives on.
Lisette's post is spot on.
ReplyDeleteIt's the strangest thing to finally come to the conclusion that a person who should be geared to feel happiness for you... despises you. For no good reason. That's the only way to explain their contempt of us. Pure envy.
I'll be damned if I get what my mother envies in me or anyone else us but she does.
Before I went NC, every conversation I had with her ended with her seething in anger. She would start just like a normal little old lady and end up smacking the arm of the couch with her fist. Her face screwed up into a ball of hate and bitterness.
I have to assume she always mocked me. In her head. I moved in to care for her and the more time I spent with her, the more her mask slipped and her real self shined through.
As I sat there and spilled my guts to her about my life and feelings and what mattered to me. She sat there and I guess thought what a pathetic loser. I'd like to crush him like a bug. His life is dictated to him by his emotions. Yet at the same time envied my ability to feel for the people that mattered to me.
You really can't win with these guys.
q1605,
ReplyDeleteYes. YOUR humanity, and your feelings about your life and what mattered to you made HER feel like a pathetic loser, and she thought if she can crush you like a bug then SHE won't feel like life's biggest loser. Because that's all they are really... losers that missed the boat of life called humanity.
"Then the only thing thumping you over the head will be a delicious coconut."
ReplyDeleteJust in case some of your readers don't know, a coconut falling on your head is potentially fatal, like a brick. Enjoy the beach but please don't sit under coconut trees.
True. However, I do believe all the enablers, the flying-monkeys, the "do-gooders" and their ilk who believe that "nice, little old lady" with the meaner-than-a-snake adult daughter who fled for her life years before might get "death by coconut" because "Death-by-narc-parent" doesn't "compute."
ReplyDeleteUntil that nice little old lady finally burns THEIR asses. THEN it's the big, "OH NOOOOOOO!" (oh yeah, baby...."get it" NOW?)
Anonymous,
ReplyDelete"Death by coconut." Bahaha! Death-by-MN-Nut doesn't compute. So true, and too funny!
Hey, at least some of us have a basic sense of concern for others! ;-)
ReplyDeleteThat's right anonymous. At least some of us have a basic sense of concern for others.
ReplyDeleteFlee from the dangerous MN NUT, and don't sit under a cocunut tree.... those "husks" they come in are just as lethal as the narc's, and the narc doesn't have a sweet filling.
Okay. Think I've about exhausted the coconut metaphor.
JEEZ. I do have that creepy feeling that my sister is "doing" me. I listened to the soiopath next door. After reading your thought, I know she is. It really hurts. I need to trust my gut and not engage, maybe she will find some else to barbeque. J
ReplyDeleteThank you for your courage, your clarity and your insight.
ReplyDeleteI cannot explain how comforting it is to read about 'what is happening to you', to get perspective and detachment.When these people (mother, sister, father in law) attack you so personally it is very hard not to take it personally. These 3 I mentioned defy belief in their actions, I wouldnt even know where to start. My partner killed himself, he hanged himself and wasnt found for three days after 'another' fight with his evil MN father and I stood at his funeral with a 6 week old baby to not even have her mentioned and us completely, delibeately and publicly shunned, he stole my daughters inheritance, he then denied our daughter was his sons despite no reason on this earth to say that (if she wasnt he could access the 240k death benefit from work) and I spent the next year and 40k through lawyers to prove otherwise.
You have to wonder what happens to these people as they approach their own death and you have to wonder if they have any idea, any insight, of how others feel about them.
I simply, even now, do not understand the effort required t be like that, the 'never let up' evilness and how the hell they arnt walking around looking over their shoulder because if I had behaved like this to someone I would fully expect them to take me out.
Thank you for your insights and relief, I mean it completely sincerely.
Anon,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you took-up the fight with an MN. Truth - to - Power! It's not an easy fight to take-on. I hope you won... Nay, I know you won!! And I hope you get the 40K back in legal fees from the slimebag MN. Money truley is not the point however, when it comes to these evil creatures. It sounds like the sick bastard killed his son then wanted to reap financial rewards for his "indirect" actions. Again, your courage and strength is to be commended. I am sorry for your loss.
As far as what happens to these "people" as they approach their own death... I really don't think they give a damn. Life is all about them and what they can exploit from others. Their history of abuse, evil deeds, heinous crimes (toward their own family - children) doesn't register on the richter scale of a conscience because they have none. Yet, the cruel irony is, they expend a hell of a lot of energy trying to "destroy" others.
I wish the best for you and your dear child. May you and your daughter be free of the sick MN dynamics. Let the Lawyers deal with them, if you have to deal with them at all.
Ps. I hope they all get what's coming to them. But from what I've observed - life in the here and now, rarely touches them - so who knows what lurks beyond the living. Just very proud of you for taking on the fight.
Thankk you for sharing yor experience.
Lisette.
Hi Lisette,
DeleteI did win and not only that I both frightened and exposed him for what he is. I picked up on his behaviours quickly because of the experience I had growing upwith the most horrible person I have ever met, my mother. Interestingly, he seemed to sense that I was on to it. My partners father has dominated a tiny little kingdom in a small suburb off a bigger city, his other three children live within a few houses of each other, even his ex wife lives around the corner. He has ALWAYS got his way and he has NEVER been pulled up. His son was a bit more spirited though, but unfortunatley he took the actions of his father and his utterly dominated spineless family personally.
That was the fundamental difference between us, he took it personally, I could never relate to my mothers actions enough to really apply them to my 'self' as a person. She was just that relentlessly evil and underhanded. It wasnt easy growing up but there was always a shield of protection helping me to recover from the mallet blows of emotional abuse. Their actions ARE NOT personal anymore than if a random person fell over in the street by accident, you didnt cause that and the bruises are not yours.
For all other people out there to whom you offer support, that is the crux of it, DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. That thought puts them back behind the plate glass where they belong. It takes a while to get to that thought pattern really try. If, by the grace of god, another child had been born instead of you they would be behaving the same to that child. IT IS THEM, NOT YOU!!!!
Anyway, I do not have either my mother, sister or father in law in my life and I have protected my beautiful, funny and loving daughter legally, morally and on every level I could think of. I have great lifelong friends and when my partners father thought he could bully me in the street I think he expected me to run, but I have Highland Scot in my blood. I am normally very placid, I have chooks, border collies and I make pickles and jams for people but when he tried to bully me my Scottish heritage sprang forth like the claw of a big cat. I looked him in the evil unhealthily yellowed eyes and I told him very quietly that if he ever went near me, my daughter or anyone with whom she associates so help me god I will personally take his head clean off with a bat and I wont stop till I have had enough and my distaste for him is out of my system. I do not recommend violence but at that moment I really meant it, I still do really.
I also told him that I am reporting him to the police and that if anything untoward happens to me or my property that I want him investigated first and my mother second. And I did report that to the police.
He just backed off, he actually walked off backwards. Funny thing was, it annoyed me how much of a coward he showed himself to be, what a bully in a paperbag, what a wimp.
Thank you for your reply Lisette, you are doing a great thing and I offer total admiration for your courage. I actually cried when I read your reply, I genuinely felt that you understood.
Thank you.
Bron
Hello, Anon and Lisette,
DeleteI am the daughter of a malignant narcissistic mother, and can relate what happened on her death bed through other sources. I went No Contact with her and her band flying monkeys 8 years before her death; so I didn't attend the Grand Finale. But, I heard it was a combination of "the joy of going to heaven" and "be sure you don't let up on that so-called daughter of mine".
What this undoubtably illustrates was the ever present fear of exposure by being sure the monkeys had their last orders to carry on - even on her death bed and after, when, according to her, she would be "joyful in heaven". I can't help but wonder if they give out Oscar-winning performances in Hell.
She even got to my children, who knew and experienced her first-hand, by promising them a piece of her inheritence as long as they didn't give any to me. She set up some king of trust, where my children have to go to the Golden Child and show, with documentation, what they need the money for. I never wanted her money because money could never ease the suffering life she made for me. All I ever wanted was love - something I know now, she was incapable of giving.
Since then, I have been kept in the dark about any deaths, weddings and births in the "family". Even those who believed what she did to me my entire life, including my children, turned on me and joined the band because they couldn't believe I would allow my "poor mother" to die without making peace with her.
Death to a malignant narcissist is the ultimate opportunity to be the center of attention, before a captive audience, and do the most lasting damage before the curtain comes down.
And her evil plan went off without a hitch. What a clossal bitch!
DeleteNone of these MNs can carry out their destruction without accomplices. Sometimes I don't know who's worse - the evil MN or her band of soulless monkeys. That's rough, Anonymous. Even your children have been brought to the dark side. What can I tell you? Many people are disgustingly weak and easily manipulated. I believe you are too darn strong to receive membership to their sick little club. Perhaps being kept in the dark means staying in the light of reality.
Something to think about.
ReplyDeleteThe major players in the Oligarchy of a select few, who basically control your life via money, are Malignant Narcissists (or in my day, we simply called them Megalomaniacs).
So, once you understand that... life is simpler (and somewhat easier).
AVOIDANCE! Works like a charm... every-time!
You cannot be friends with them. You cannot have a meaningful relationship with them. There is no therapy, and thus no hope. The solution is that only really of a final solution... RUN LIKE HELL.
If you demonstrate any sort of thinking that is your own, the narci will be attracted to you like a magnet and extract Narci Supply from you until you literally are dead, no joke!
ESCAPE is your only freedom!
Oh, and thanks for allowing Anonymous posting! (:
Anonymous 28th June, your post is spot on in every observation.
DeleteBut why must it be that we find our way to this discussion AFTER the madness finds us? We must first have stepped back far enough from the twisted toxicity to see what it wrought in our lives.
It strikes me that acquaintance with this manifestation of human nature should be required class curriculum for every 6th grader in the nation! Truly, such potential for emotional harm was not suggested even in college psychology classes. How can one be on guard? Must we always cross the path and suffer the consequence to learn this lesson?
Your discussion about the money, its bitter rantings about 'they' who pulled the financial puppet strings of the masses. Having more than enough by a long shot, grasping always for more.
Longing to ERASE UNDERSTANDING of what I now know, what I experienced, still holds me sway. The implication - sorrow for the innocent - is powerful, haunting; the pain of this mixes with my personal sorrow. Bittersweet escape brings loss of associated good people because one cannot really divulge the secret, except here.
I also thank you for the anonymous voice:-)
Lisette, you seem to get very defensive and indignant when people state their opinions about a particular topic. You go off on a tirade, calling people names and such. Are you sure you're not a Narc is sheeps clothing?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteSince you chose this post to make your comment about me, why don't you point out where I seem to get very defensive and indignant when people state their opinions about a "particular topic." Go ahead. Show me an example of me "going off on a tirade and calling people names and such." And what particular topic might you be referring to?
Methinks you might be on the wrong thread narcissistic life coach, counsellor, therapist, Troll etc. Why are you people so threatened by me and my little old blog? Why are your egos so massive that you can't handle an opinion on your profession that isn't favourable.
NORMAL people who work in the therapy field would likely not be bothered by some article on a personal blog. In fact, I know some that fully agree with it. But nooo, there are always the narcissistic ones that just can't take the criticism. AND you IDIOTS (there's some name calling for you) ALWAYS miss the point of the article. It's about not letting dangerous people, particularly narcissists into ones head. It's about protecting one's most private posession - our minds. It's not all about you, therapists.
So Anonymous, you have failed miserably with your snide little comment. It makes me more convinced that you are what you are. Since you're hiding out on another blog post and you don't back up your sweeping statement with any evidence.
Why don't you grab some balls and point out where I'm calling people names and "going off on a tirade" on THIS comment section (besides calling you an idiot becase that was after the fact). Hmmm it's interesting that you chose the blog post on ENVY. Is that projection? Interesting too is you saying, "Are you sure you're not a Narc in sheep's clothing?" (Yawn, eye-roll) But again, projection maybe? You're in the counselling field are you not? People PAY you you money to coach, cousel or therapise them, don't they? They assume that you will be a "safe" person to confide in.
I await your reply.
Anonymous,
DeleteI would also like to know what you are doing on my blog. Why are you here? What's your story?
You have a lot to answer to. I doubt you've got the intelligence or the strength to do it.
Amazing....these narcs read your blog yet they still don't get it,lol. I guess they think we are talking about someone else, not them. Must be scary for them to be that far gone...LOL,LOL,LOL
DeleteYup, all narcissists lack self-awareness and are completely blind to their behavior. We can see it, but they can't because they are grandiose and delusional.
DeleteI receive comments from time to time that aren't like the other comments. They really stick out. They may "appear" to be harmless, but if you read them carefully you can see that the commenter ALWAYS makes it personal in some way: they respond to another person's comment or they make it about me. They never share anything about themselves, but immediately place themselves in a position from above. They don't relate in their comments because their narcissism makes them incapable of relating. To relate one must see the other as equal. These narcs that come on here write passive aggressively. But it's easy to spot.
I recently posted a comment that appears to be innocuous, but I know it was written by one far gone narc. What's interesting is the timing of that comment and the one above.
As for the one above, it's overtly narcissistic. This idiot comes onto my blog and starts wagging their pointy little finger at me. What these imbeciles don't get - because they are narcissists - is that this is my turf NOT theirs. Narcissists don't respect other people's boundaries. They bust into your home, criticize the way you've arranged the furniture and then start moving things around to their liking. And they feel entitled to do it.
Another thing about narcissists is that they see righteous anger as "indignation." You see, we have no right be angry about anything. We must be compliant and take it.
Narcissists also view someone who fights passionately for their cause, values, and beliefs to be "defensive" or "going off on a tirade." These imbeciles can call it whatever they want. In the face of my value system being threatened, I will aggressively defend it. The thing is, narcissists don't understand this passion because they don't feel passionately about anything or anyone. They are empty inside. They also hate it when people have strong beliefs and opinions.
Narcissists want to control the whole damn world and everyone and everything in it. That's why they slither onto blogs and tell people what to do.
It must be really scary to be a far gone, out of control, control freak.
I love how you are checking that imbecile....well said..keep on speaking the truth about those "Monsters" who really don't need to be "Breathing". I love your blog because there are some people who don't know anything about these "Evil" snakes. Thank you for "Enlighting" people on this subject!
DeleteYou are astute in pointing out the narcissism of the person who made that snide comment.
DeleteI have an online memoir that I created to tell my story of my personal interactions with a group of sociopaths.
Here is my memoir: (but you have to have an account to view it unfortunately) http://www.fastpencil.com/projects/57931-Memoir
I allowed people to comment on it, and under my chapter titled "Point of no Return" there is a person who left similar comments. He left personal attacks on me after reading a memoir when I talk about being traumatized. It really revealed his true nature. He never wanted to go beyond personal attacks and instead present evidence based on reality and proof. And he stopped contact with me after that. He was someone I had been communicating with prior to this incident.
I almost fell out of my chair when NM accused someone else of having NPD, so I am not shocked, that a narcissist can read this blog, and then still not "get it". All they do is project their weaknesses onto others.
ReplyDeleteBut what is very telling, is what a NM will decide to talk about. You can clearly see their own weaknesses through their own projections. All the ideas they are trying to plant in your head, as if these are your own thoughts, is actually them projecting.
Through all my MNs displaced comments and insults about me, I've come to the conclusion of the following:
1) she's a horrific cook
2) she is obese and has a weight problem
3) she is a horrible horrible mother
4) she is a horrible wife, and deserves to be abandoned.
5) she is clueless and stupid
6) she is needy parasitic, weak and dependent.
7) she is especially jealous of her own daughter.
I say this, because out of the blue, she will insult someone for no reason, siting these things. "oh, she is such a horrible mother", "oh, she is so obese" "oh, my daughter is a horrific cook"
She is talking about herself. So her saying how so and so has NPD, on some level she must know that she is guilty of having the disorder.
Anonymous,
DeleteThis is a great example of taking narc abuse and foisting it back onto the narc. The only thing that comes out of their mouth is projection in the form of lies, criticism, slander, and even suggestion. Every negative thing they say about others is about themselves. Rarely to do they speak well of others. If they do, they don't mean it. It's just another way to abuse their target by comparison, in order to make the target feel inferior. So you can take the insult hidden in the compliment and apply it to the narcissist.
All Narcs use our minds as containers for their toxic projections. Once we recognize this we can close the lid on our minds and not let them in. Just boomerang their bull-shit back to them and get a good long look at what is going on inside their heads and what troubles them most about themselves.
Yes. The narc's projections are their weak spots, and it's information we can use against them.
You are right on point!! "Projection" the way the narcissistic really feel about themselves!
DeleteBTW, both my narcissitic mother, and mother in law, have done this EXACTLY
ReplyDelete"They bust into your home, criticize the way you've arranged the furniture and then start moving things around to their liking. And they feel entitled to do it"
and, THEY WERE NOT EVEN INVITED!!!
"It must be really scary to be a far gone, out of control, control freak"
ReplyDeleteThis is why I think they live their life with such paranoia. Essentially, their life is in the hands of others. They can try to control the other person, but never does this work. It just comes across like they are personality disordered, and people then avoid them like the plague.
They cant take care of themselves. The are dependent on the actions of others, and then they are completely and totally lost when the inevitable happens, either by abandonment, or death, (because they drove the person to cancer, a stroke, etc).
My mother is aware of her toxic effect on my mother. As his health deteriorates, all she can say, "and she says this out loud" "I dont want people to think that I made your father sick.. He is getting that operation!! So he can get well!"
Or my ex N husband, "stop crying.. I dont want people to think that I did something to you!"
Ns control NOTHING. No one cares about their stupid comments, or insults. People just treat them like the imbeciles they are.
Anonymous,
DeleteGood point. The Narc's identity as all powerful Oz is totally dependent on those they wish to control. If they have no one to control they have no identity. I think that's why the abandoned MNs go bat shit when they don't have sufficient supply.
It's interesting that both your MN mother and ex N Husband admit to their abuse. Your mother knows damn well she's intentionally making your father sick because that makes her feel powerful. And your ex N probably loved to make you cry because that made him feel powerful.
These freaks know exactly what they are doing. And they are always telling on themselves.
Ever notice how quickly a MN will run away the second you calmly, cooly and collectively let her know that you see right through her?
ReplyDeleteMN: Are you combing your daughters hair? ( of course a ridiculously stupid question to cause into question your ability to care for your daughter)
Response where they run into their cave: What a strange question. Is that why my hair was so nappy headed when I was a kid?
Complete silence!!!
MN: This is all your fault!!! blame blame blame
Response: What power that I have to control a woman 50 years my senior!
Complete silence!!
Or just call them out on their ridiculous comparisons, and laugh.....
MN: my friend has kids, and she keeps her toys in the box!
Response: wow, how petty, what does your friend have to do with anyone, anything, and the price of tea in China? How unbeleivably childish.
MN: you are just lying to get my approval. (ie, in response to me letting her know that I am getting divorced and no longer at this address).
Response: Do you really let people control you like that? No mother dear, I dont care what you think about the reasons why, thats private, but I am staying this address. Really? You think I am lying because I care about what you think? Thats very interesting... (little chuckle).
NM: unsolicted advice, whatever...
Response: if I want to know about how to (some insidious inane talent she has that no one cares about) you are my goto person. But otherwise, you are the last person I would ever ask.. (giving marriage advice after I left a batterer and she took his side. I was like, GOOD CALL on that one!! No thank you.. )
COMPLETE SILENCE!!!
They are easy to shut up, and they know what they are TRYING to do. I hope they also know that they RARELY succeed.
OMG this made laugh so hard...
DeleteI sometimes employ this tactic and get silence, but this is shortlived as she then goes to my sister and talks about me behind my back- classic triangulation.
My sister then talks about it with me afterwards, and I hear a very altered story where I was rude, abrupt and now there is 'concern' that something is wrong with me as I was in such a bad mood.
I do employ this with other Narcs I meet, as I am in no mood for emotional vampires. They are out there!!!
When they ask prying and private questions, before I would open up- now I smile benignly and ask, 'why do you want to know that?'
They are looking for supply.
They have no answer for that generally and any concern they were readying to pretend to have, isnt ready yet, so they are off kilter.
Also a clue I noticed recently was when I met a woman at an expats group and she kept on saying none of her friends were talking to her anymore- but if you listened carefully, her 'advice to them' amounted to her meddling in their marriages.
My narc spidey sense went off!
But everyone else was taken in with her becuase she drives an SUV and has a big house. I am waiting until it starts to fall into place and the drama starts...
OMG, you are so right on. My mother would also talk behind my back, and through my father, he would complain about how I hurt my mothers feelings. Of course, he was present while she was asking her insidious questions, and being her horrible toxic self. In the earlier years, my father would stand up to her, and would be totally disgusted with my moms behavior, but in recent years, he acts like he has stockholme syndrome, and is now very upset at ANYONE that puts my mother in her place.
ReplyDeleteMy point is, Ns are in a world all by themselves. They may fool people, usually new people, in the beginning, but their tactics are easy to spot, and most people see them for who they are, like you said, "waiting for the drama to start". They will find out that she probably got the big house, and the SUV through unsavory means. ( My ex fooled people the same way).
The proxies that dont invested somehow, like my father usually scape goat us, and buy into the the triangulation. I think that with all my moms Ns supply dwindling down, my dad is getting more beatings than he used to, and now he is blaming other people that are strong enough to not put up with my moms crap. He cheated on her for 40 years, recklessly, (or just stupidly.. The story goes the mistress(s) turned on him), and now, in his older age, I think he has resigned himself to this horrible co-dependent relationship. He cant think straight, (no excuse), however.
People have minds of their own. Once they get passed all the theatrics, most people laugh at these Ns.
I can relate to this, please read my post of 5th June 2012.
ReplyDeleteMy N sister has forced my N mother to sell her house to maintain her false world of affluence. The authorities are in the process of confiscating her house under the proceed of crime act.
My mother being an extremely awkward women was savouring the attention by stalling to sign forms to sell the house, the frustration of my sister causing her to push my mother down a small flight of stairs and punching her on another occasion, both incidents attended by Police and social services.
Only a few weeks ago I mentioned this to my mother and she denied the incidents ever happened, they bully each other when one of them has the upper hand so I can only presume Stockholm Syndrome kicks in.
They can fool some of the people some of the time but not all the people all the time.
Can you provide the linke to June 5? I cant find it.
ReplyDeletehttp://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.co.uk/2011/05/malignant-narcissist-covetous-sociopath.html
DeleteSorry this post might duplicate.
Sent from my iPad
Lisette,
ReplyDeleteAnother excellent piece from you. Envy is definitely the ulcer of the soul. It leads to irrational behavior and if like mine, your Ns are powerful, influential people who can control the people and events taking place in the world then you need to be very strong spirited to accept the fact that you cannot do anything about them crossing all limits of decency, civility and propriety and ruining your life for nothing.
Not just me but my family is being hurt too, my Dad lost his job and I don't have one. Most importantly and alarmingly -my house is bugged!!!! but the Ns I'm dealing with are just unstoppable. They have no concept of maintaining boundaries and don't even care if they are doing wrong. They only care about taking revenge from me fueled by their baseless envy.
They have caused me and my folks too much pain and are now threatening to kill us for no apparent fault of mine but just because they are irrationally envious and want to hurt me unreasonably. They blow everything out of proportion and just want to hurt us, prey on us all day, everyday. They have even threatened to kill us all.
All I can do is pray that they stop and eventually get what they deserve.
@Fight4mylife..call the police on their behinds,they are afraid of the police. Don't take their abuse, this is what they are good at putting "Fear" into the person or people making themselves think they have the power, but at heart they are "Cowards"...fight4yourlife!! "God" bless you and your family!!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog, I must say it really hit home; I myself, was the victim of people's narcissistic envy and was targeted for their destruction. Your blog speaks very true, thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisette,
ReplyDeleteI've been NC with my NFOO for almost three years now and am seriously considering changing my full name (first, middle, and last) because I don't want to be associated with them by name. I'd like to know if you (or any of your posters here) think this is a good idea. I owe NM some money and would like to send her a check with my new name on it - this will be within a few months from now because I don't currently have the money. Thanks for any input you or anyone else here can give me.
Hi Noelle, I can't speak of it being a good or bad idea for you, but I can say that I went through the exact same thing. Also, I've read online that other ACONs have considered a name change.
DeleteAfter I ended-up hospitalized with psychological injury from the NFOO abuse of me and subsequent gaslighting and character assassination, I didn't want to be associated with them in any way. Or, carry the name that "they" chose for me. I looked into legally changing my name and even picked out a first, middle and last name. In the end, I didn't go through with it because it seemed like such a daunting endeavor (I was in full ptsd and fight or flight mode). After I was hospitalized I did flee to the opposite end of the country. I wanted as much geographic distance from my abusers as possible and this distance did make me feel safer. However, I hated them so much that I wanted to live on another continent (still do) and considered moving to another country. Again, with full-on PTSD, the whole idea was exhausting to me.
My goal is still to move to another country. When and where I do not know. I totally understand not wanting to be associated in any way with the people who are labeled "family" but really seek to destroy you. Changing your identity (even just by name) is a way of fleeing from your abusers. You've been NC for 3 years, that's great, and if changing your names makes you feel like you're shedding yourself of them, I say go for it! In fact, I give a big thumbs-up to ACONs doing whatever it takes to give themselves distance and total autonomy from their evil soul murdering narc abusers.