When Both Parents are Narcissists: A Soul Destroying Duo

“If you had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell --- you have already lived hell on earth.”   
                                            Joanna Ashmun

Imagine having two narcissists as parents.  Imagine the twisted family system two disordered individuals would create. Imagine; if you will, the marriage of supreme narcissists: Dorian Gray of Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, and the Evil Queen of the Brothers Grimm, Snow White. Imagine living under the rule of these two noxious pathologicals. Imagine a warped world filled with destruction, distortions, delusions, and denial.

                                                       

The Evil Queen – malignant narcissist

The Queen is a beautiful woman who has a magic looking glass that she speaks to while she gazes at her reflection. The looking glass tells the Queen that she is the fairest in the land. That’s exactly what she needs to hear: that she in number one. Being on top – being the most powerful – means that she is in complete control: that other people don't exist without reference to herself.  When the Queen feels even the slightest threat to her omnipotence she becomes aggravated and needy and turns to the looking-glass for reassurance.

“Who is the fairest of us all?” She asks. 

The looking glass answers, “Queen, you are full fair, ‘tis true, but Snow White fairer is than you.”

“This gives the Queen a great shock, and she becomes yellow and green with envy, and from that hour her heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her. And envy and pride like ill weeds grow in her heart higher every day, until she has no peace day or night.”

The Queen’s absorption in her beauty doesn’t give her much pleasure; she doesn’t desire power through sexual seduction or attractiveness: what are stressed in the Queen's vanity is her pride.  She is driven by anger, fear and envy and the realization that as she and Snow White grow older she will lose and the Queen must never lose.  And, as Snow White grows lovelier and comes into her own as a separate identity, the Queen becomes more hideous and covetous: hating Snow White for becoming her reverse mirror and representing everything she is not.

At last the Queen sends for a huntsman, and commands him, “Take the child out into the woods, so that I may set eyes on her no more. You must put her to death, and bring me her heart for a token.”  

In order for the queen to find peace of mind, she must destroy the object of her interminable frustration – Snow White/her reverse mirror.  Since the huntsman lets Snow White go free,  the odious Queen must patiently and persistently stalks Snow White, never letting up until she brings her to death and has her heart: a symbol of what she lacks. The malignant narcissist is a covetous creature that derives pleasure in taking what she lacks from others. However, she has no interest in having admirable qualities in herself. 

In order to take; the Queen must stalk. It is her predatory nature and the stalking of her targeted prey – Snow White – that earn her the title of malignant which is synonymous with evil.

Dorian Gray - full blown narcissist:

Dorian Gray is a handsome young man who becomes spellbound by his own portrait.  He desires to be forever young and gives up his soul so that the painting may age and his appearance will remain unchanged.

Dorian lives a charmed life of pleasures both good and bad. He’s a seductive presence with the upper crust hedonistic ‘in crowd’ but also enjoys the debauched decadence that the seedy underworld of opium dens brings. 

His good looks and charisma attract many admirers such as Sibyl Vance - a talented actress- who he plans to marry. However, once their love becomes real, Sibyl loses her acting ability, and Dorian cruelly spurns her. She is no longer the trophy wife he had wished for, and as a result, she is devalued and discarded. Sibyl reacts to the rejection by committing suicide and Dorian’s portrait takes on a cruel expression.   

Dorian’s moral corruption increases throughout the story with his true character being inscribed only on the painting. The portrait serves as a reminder to Dorian of each immoral act upon his soul, and each transgression is displayed as a disfigurement of his form, or through a sign of aging.

The deterioration of his portrait enrages Dorian and he blames Basil - the artist of the painting -for the path his life has taken and decides to kill him. Dorian never holds himself accountable for the choices he makes; instead he justifies his actions according to the philosophy of new hedonism. Moreover, Dorian absolves himself of blame for Basil’s death, contending that it was the knife that committed the murder.

Dorian also blackmails good friend and fellow decadent Alan Campbell to dispose of Basil’s dead body and Campbell later commits suicide.  Eventually, Dorian can't bare the look of cynicism, cruelty and morel hypocrisy in the painting. He attempts to slash it and ends up killing himself and the painting returns to its pristine, youthful appearance.

The story questions the authenticity of surface appearance. Even Lord Henry – the smartest man in the book – is blinded by Dorian’s beauty to the extent that he dismisses the suggestion that a man like Dorian could commit murder.  Outwardly, Dorian is youthful and innocent yet his callous indifference wreaks havoc on the lives of everyone around him.  Aside from the murder of Basil – which was not premeditated and more a crime of passion – Dorian doesn't go out of his way to destroy others. He's unconcerned with what others think of him and he has no interest in idle gossip. His aloof nature simply lures others toward him: they find him irresistible and offer themselves up to him as sacrifices.

Dorian is a seducer and exploiter; he is not a predator; his indifference makes him passive; therefore he earns the title of narcissist.

Two styles of narcissism:

If we look at the Evil Queen as a malignant narcissist mother we see that she targets the child that threatens her delusions and embarks on a lifelong campaign to destroy that child. She stalks her young as prey. However, no human being can be in attack mode at all times so her malice is sometimes interspersed with indifference - the malignant narcissist is mainly malevolent and other people are objects of her obsession.

As a full-blown narcissist, Dorian teeters on the edge of malignancy – it resides within him but is usually dormant. In other words, his extreme self-absorption and indifference towards others is sometimes peppered with intermittent outbursts of cruelty - the narcissist is mainly indifferent and other people are merely supply and of little consequence.  

Each narcissist craves different types of supply: the Queen wants total power and control over others – she must be obeyed. Dorian wants to be worshipped and admired by others – he must be desired. The Queen generates her supply from within - her mind: scheming, plotting, head games, etc. Dorian generates his supply outwardly – his body. Ironically, each of the channels the narcissists use to funnel in supply ultimately leads to their undoing. For instance; the Queen's abuse of her mind leads to her madness and Dorian's abuse of his body leads to his ugliness.

(I'm aware of the terms cerebral and somatic narcissist but would rather refer to these narcissists as  predatory and passive).

The Queen’s dark drug of choice is to deliberately cause others harm and feed off their pain. Seeing others suffer acts as an opiate that sooths the malignant narcissist from the discomfort  of her frustrations.

Dorian’s dark drug of choice is to have a large fan base and draw people close and then reject them: having a never ending stream of attention and admiration gives him a huge narcissistic boost and acts as an adrenalin rush – the buzz makes him feel powerful.   

It's as if the predatory/malignant narcissist needs a downer (a pain killer) to quell fear, anger and the agitation caused by envy; while the passive narcissist needs an upper (a stimulant) to jack-up his ego and kick start his confidence.

When it comes right down to it - aside from the different ways these two obtain narcissistic supply - they are essentially the same. In other words, they share all of the same reprehensible narcissistic traits. For example, their outer appearance masks their true nature. Dorian is handsome, smooth and classy on the outside but has a slimy underside that causes ruin in his life and others. The Queen is beautiful, controlled, and noble on the outside but is secretly a crazy, covetous, homicidal maniac. They also both deny reality and any responsibilities for their actions; lack empathy and a conscience; are immature, amoral, cruel, callous, cold, indifferent, grandiose, deluded, selfish, entitled and total frauds etc. etc. 

Unfortunately, the main thing this gruesome twosome has in common is that neither one of them will allow anyone to get close enough to them to access their souls; for they both sold their souls in an effort to preserve their narcissistic image. Sadly, that is precisely why these two narcissists would be drawn to one another. The end result of two amoral, selfish, stunted people coming together to raise a family would be abuse, neglect, abandonment and exploitation of the children - to name a few.

The life of a child under the care of these two classic narcissists would be a horror story not a fairy tale.

WARNING: Do Not Appease The Narcissists

In the land of entitlement Narcissists get to act like Baby Huey, lofty Kings and hungry predators and we adjust to their temperament by pacifying the wailing baby so it won’t have a tantrum; obeying his or her majesty so we won’t be banished from court; and backing down to the vicious predator so we won't be attacked.

To continue reading this article and many more purchase
 Breaking Free: A Way Out For Adult Children of Narcissists

                               

Malignant Narcissists are Morally Insane

Shameless, callous, selfish, evil, murderous, insane, death - this is a real ‘feel good' blog.  Maybe I should slip in a brownie recipe, or videos of kittens to lighten the mood – NOT.

To continue reading this article and many more purchase a copy of:

Breaking Free: A Way Out For Adult Children of Narcissists 

 

Shameless Narcissist Parent(s)

 

To Confront, or Not Confront a Narcissist Parent?

I once heard a true story about a man who, in his early fifties, finally got up the courage to confront his narcissist father.

To continue reading this article and many more... 


                                                Purchase a copy of the new eBooks

Narcissistic Abuse is Soul Murder

"You will be hollow. We will squeeze you empty, and then we shall fill you with ourselves."  

I’ve long suspected that some of my favourite writers, artists and filmmakers are survivors of parental narcissistic abuse. I made these assumptions based on themes running through their work that I could identify with as a survivor of ‘soul murder.’ For example, writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson touches on childhood abandonment, family estrangement, neglect, abuse and narcissism in such films as Magnolias, There Will Be Blood, and Boogie Nights – yes Boogie Nights. Dirk Diggler’s mother is malignant narcissist El Supremo screaming at him that he is NOTHING! It’s one short scene but it’s powerful.

I could rattle off a list of other artists that I think are survivors of narcissistic abuse but I would only be making an educated guess so I think I will save that for another time.  For now, I will say that Charles Dickens is one of the writers that I thought experienced soul murder – maybe that’s common knowledge, I don’t know. I’ve read many of his books but I know little of the man.

Anyway, a few months ago - while I was surfing the net on ‘soul murder’ – I discovered that there is a book entitled Soul Murder by Leonard Shengold: that examines the ravages of soul murder in the adult lives of his patients as well as in the lives and works of such seminal writers as George Orwell, Dickens, Chekhov, and Kipling.  I had to get my hands on that book, so I marched down to the research library and put in my request to the Librarian to retrieve it from the stacks – “Soul Murder please.”

Learning about George Orwell’s heinous upbringing with a very evil malignant narcissist father made it abundantly clear how 1984 was conceived, and was in some ways helpful in extrapolating ideas on creativity and narcissistic abuse.  But, other than that, I did not get much out of Shengold's book; mainly because I couldn’t stomach it. Shengold is a psychiatrist and a Freudian and he uses Freudian theory to pathologize the patient – the quacks like to call it psycho-anal-yze.   

I found Soul Murder, to be just another ‘interpretation’ of the effects of extreme childhood deprivation and abuse written from the perspective of the victim as 'specimen' to study. Shengold likely has never had direct experience with a malignant narcissist and instead relies on dissecting the victim when the light of scrutiny should be instead shone on the narcissist. After skimming a few pages, I thought to myself, based on what this quack is writing about the so-called effects of soul murder, I should be hugging my knees, rocking back and forth and involuntarily drooling. Talk about degrading the victims of soul murder further - they are treated as less than human by 'parents' who are less than human, and then treated as less than human and specimens for study by an inhumane, psychiatric pseudo-science.  

Anyway, I must say the term 'soul murder' is a very good descriptive for narcissistic abuse and I lifted a blurb from the book that also sums it up nicely:

A consummated soul murder is a crime most often committed by psychotic or psychopathic parents (also known as narcissists) who treat the child as an extension of themselves, or as an object with which to satisfy their desires. Lesser effects ensue from intermittent parental cruelty and indifference. To abuse or neglect a child, to deprive the child of his or her own identity and ability to experience joy in life, is to commit soul murder.

And, to grow-up in a home with two full-blown narcissists is to experience an Orwellian Nightmare of monstrous proportions. Here’s a peek at the narcissistic family system seen through the genius of 1984  by George Orwell (survivor of soul murder) – look familiar?

Big Brother: Dictator of a totalitarian state – the children of narcissists has no rights in the oppressive ‘family’ system. It's completely under narcissistic rule - pathological control freakism.

Room 101: A torture chamber in the ministry of love – abuse, cruelty and punishment from the people – narcissistic parents - who are supposed to love and protect you.

ThoughtCrime: An illegal type of thought – the scapegoat/target of abuse in a narcissistic family is not a weak or mentally unhealthy individual. Quite the opposite: harassment/abuse is often set in motion when a target refuses to give in to the abusive authority. She or he is targeted because of his or her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure.

Thought Police: Authority that uncover and punish thoughtcrime(s) using psychology and omnipresent surveillance to eliminate members of society who are capable of the mere thought of challenging ruling - Narcissist Parents and N sibling(s) who squeal on the intended target/scapegoat. Punishment ensues by isolating the 'free thinker' and wearing down his or her 'strength of mind' by extreme boundary violation, mental cruelty, mind control, and manipulation.   

Unperson: A person who has been “vaporized”; who has been not only killed by the state, but effectively erased from existence. Such a person would be written out of existing books, photographs, and articles so that no trace of their existence could be found in the historical record. The idea is that such a person would, according to the principles of doublethink, be forgotten completely, even by close friends and family members. Mentioning his or her name, or even speaking of their past existence is a thought crime.

Wow – as the truth teller in my family of origin, I was completely obliterated from existence: including photographs, keepsakes, year books and mementos. All of my belongings were sold at a garage sale, and what wasn’t sold was given away to the malignant narcissist mother’s friends, and what wasn’t given away was claimed by the greedy hoarder, malignant narcissist sister. According to my grandmother, “No one talks of you.” And, I wouldn't have it any other way. They’ve been out of my life longer than they were in my life and I've safely avoided being shackled by the chains of "Thought Police".

Memory Hole: Any mechanism for the alteration or disappearance of inconvenient or embarrassing documents, photographs, transcripts or other records – how to hide the inconvenient TRUTH, the secrets and lies of the narcissistic family, post abuse cover-up, victim character assassination, destroy the truth teller, silence the victims, scapegoating and projection, and history revisionism.

The lesson of 1984 is one that can also be learned from the lives of those who have grown-up under the totalitarian rule of crazy, cruel, and capricious narcissist parents, in a 'soul destroying system' that is in a state of perpetual war, pervasive surveillance and incessant mind control and manipulation and that Randall Jarrell calls, “One of God’s concentration camps.”

A more hopeful note, in the saga of pain called soul murder, is that a lousy childhood, if survived, can be life-enhancing and a great source of strength; as in the cases of Dickens and Orwell.

And, isn’t that what creativity is all about?

The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Grandiose and Indifferent

In the last post; I wrote about the malignant narcissist mother in the films Million Dollar Baby and Ordinary People.

Although the mother (Earline) in Million Dollar Baby is only in a couple of scenes; she is easy to identify as evil because of her outrageous selfishness and blatant cruelty toward her daughter Maggie.

On the other hand, the mother (Beth) in Ordinary People is far more insidious because she is very controlled and expertly obscures her malice toward her son behind a smokescreen of stiff detachment. Plus, she is skilled at projecting an image of the perfect, upscale, suburban housewife.

In his ground-breaking book People of The Lie, M. Scott Peck looks at the behaviour of ordinary criminals versus the behaviour of those he terms ‘evil’. He notes that there is a general randomness to the criminal’s destructiveness, and they are rather careless and open about their conduct: they’re not particularly interested in covering-up who they really are. In fact, they seem rather proud of their inability to hide their dishonesty and this is what makes them ‘honest criminals.’

Compare the common criminal to the malignant narcissist mother Beth in Ordinary People whose destructiveness toward Conrad is entirely selective and consistent. Her hostility toward her son is a deliberate pattern of behaviour. She chooses to go out of her way to harm him yet is careful to do it on the sly – that’s malice. Moreover, she is incredibly skilled in the art of deception and covert operation.

In describing those he calls ‘evil’ Peck writes:

Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what other might think of them. They dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes and outwardly seem to live lives that are beyond reproach.

The words “image,” “appearance,” “outwardly,” are crucial to understanding the morality of evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their “goodness” is all on the level of pretence. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the “people of the lie.”

Beth and Conrad - Ordinary People

Something that’s important to note in the film Ordinary People is that Conrad is on to his mother. He knows that she doesn’t care about him and that her only concern is what other people think. His older brother Buck – the ‘Golden Boy’ who died in the boating accident – was a charismatic, outgoing, star athlete type and likely not as smart and sensitive as Conrad. Therefore, Buck is the obvious choice to be the ‘Chosen One’ – he is amendable to being a human extension whereas Conrad is a much stronger personality though he may appear weaker because he’s thoughtful and kind.  Never mistake kindness for weakness. He did, after all, survive the boating accident while his brother perished. 

I think for a malignant narcissist mother like Beth, it’s Conrad’s awareness and independence that she fears the most because it threatens her delusions of grandeur and incites her greatest terror - exposure. How dare he have a mind of his own! How dare he not defer to me as God Almighty! He must be destroyed! 

Conrad isn’t like Buck. He doesn’t do for his mother what Buck did: he doesn’t ‘glow’ in his mother’s presence. There’s a flash back scene where Buck is telling his mother a funny story, he is beaming and she is giggling away like a school girl and beaming too. They are flirting with each other and basking in one another’s attention. It is a seduction scene between two narcissists - a real mutual admiration society - and it’s creepy.  The thing is; Conrad isn’t able to reflect back to his mother the admiration that Buck did and she views this as an attack that threatens her world of make believe as the most beautiful, wonderful, perfect, powerful, and desirable woman that ever lived. In other words, he unwittingly challenges her delusions and she’s not having it.

Yes, narcissists view others relating to them as equals as an actual attack.  Narcissists consider your failure to admire, worship and obey them as an attack. Yes, interacting with them as an equal is in their eyes hostile. Why? Because in their eyes you are beneath them, and by not acting out their fantasy for them, it is making their fantasies harder to believe, and delusional narcissists hate you for shining the light of reality on them, so they’re going to make you pay.

Narcissists think they are God Almighty which means everyone else is an insignificant bug.  And to maintain their position of superiority they must show they are better than you in every interaction with you. They must treat you like dirt; deny you any kind of regard including sympathy, affection, praise and all other forms of positive attention. In fact, many narcissists can’t even bring themselves to give-out negative attention because any attention at all takes the focus off of them and they can’t stand not being the centre of the universe at all times.  

So, don’t think even for a second that the malignant narcissist mother in Ordinary People is going to go visit her distressed son in the hospital. Hell no, that would be giving him attention and she needs to make it clear to him every day, and in every way that he is nothing and he doesn’t matter and that she wishes it was he who died in the accident not Buck.

In fact, Conrad’s suicide attempt annoys the hell out of her because his father is giving him attention which means she’s not getting every last drop of it.  So Beth convinces Calvin to ditch Conrad and go away with her to Houston during the Christmas holidays. Beth would rather abandon her fragile, suicidal son during his time of need than compete with him for attention. And, while his parents are away, Conrad faces a major crisis – the suicide of a friend from the hospital – and he comes very close to suicide once again.

In Houston Beth is absolutely beaming – ditching the Conrad has done her a world of good. Grinning from ear to ear, she suggests to Calvin that they go away again on another vacation soon. “Connie would like that, “ says Calvin. Beth snaps and shouts, “Why do you always feel the need to do that?! He controls you even when he’s 2000 miles away!” So, Beth attacks her husband even at the mention of Conrad’s name and adds a little projection to the mix. All narcissists are petulant little children and they need all the attention at all time. And, if they’re getting all of it, you’re getting none of it.

One way a narcissist can hijack all the attention is by eliminating the competition – in Beth’s case; her son Conrad. So, when she’s not making nothing of him by refusing to be in a photo with him, belittling him, ignoring or excluding him, she’s plotting to have him shipped away to boarding school. Or, in a dark way is continuing to drive him to suicide. Unfortunately for Beth, her son survived his suicide and now he’s got a shrink that seems to be helping him. So what does she scheme to do? Interrupt his therapy. Yes, she wants to go to London for three weeks and this time bring Conrad – I wonder why? But, Conrad’s Dad doesn’t want his son’s therapy to be disrupted because he sees that it’s helping him and Calvin actually loves his son.

Narcissists see themselves as supreme beings which means compared to them, everyone else is dirt, and with every interaction they need to prove this. Don’t bother trying to penetrate their callousness or expect them to show you regard of any kind especially love – they are not capable of it. Would you show sympathy toward a squashed ant? That’s how the narcissist views you – with complete indifference. They would rather leave you to fend for yourself in a crisis than expend an ounce of energy attending to your needs.

“I don’t know what he expects of me!” Beth says to her husband. “I never have known. He wants me to throw my arms around him every time he passes an exam?” Well, I can’t do it! I cannot respond when someone says here I just did this great thing - love me.”

The narcissist’s withholding and neglectful nature is active not passive – it requires thought and the appropriate action. They deliberately go out of their way to consistently deny others attention. Think about the psychic energy required in order to make others feel like nothing so they can maintain their delusions of superiority. And, in the case of the malignant narcissist mother Beth in Ordinary People, there seems to be no lengths she would go to, to sacrifice her son in order to preserve her narcissistic self-image. And, that is the only thing she actually grieved when her son Buck died – the loss of the image of the perfect family.

When it comes to narcissists of all stripes; don’t have low expectations; have no expectations. Accept them for what they are, not what you wish them to be. They have about as much concern for you as that fly you just swatted.

The Malignant Narcissist Mother is Callous and Selfish

Earline Fitzgerald - Million Dollar Baby

In acknowledgement of Mother’s Day, I present to you, two of the most chilling screen portrayals of malignant narcissist mothers:

 

Beth Jarret - Ordinary People



Here we have Earline Fitzgerald visiting her daughter Maggie who is staying in a medical rehabilitation facility after a $1 million dollar fighting match has left her a quadriplegic. Of course, Earline first visits the happiest place on earth: Disneyland. And shows up with a lawyer in tow to arrange the transfer of Maggie’s cash.

Below, we have Beth Jarrett getting a hug from her suicidal son Conrad who has recently returned home after a four month stay in a psychiatric hospital.  Beth doesn't bother to visit Conrad in the hospital at all, and instead opts for a relaxing vacation in Spain and Portugal.

Though these two women seem very different, they are not. They are both malignant narcissists whose only concern is their own selfish needs. The one thing distinguishing them - besides where they holiday while their children fight for their lives - is their social standing and social intelligence. Earline is white trash and Beth is upper-middle-class. Their difference in social class is what makes for two very different depictions of the same type of evil – malignant narcissist mothers.

Earline is not only callously indifferent to Maggie, she is also overtly abusive, and when Maggie saves up enough money to buy her a house, instead of being grateful, Earline gives Maggie hell for endangering her welfare payments and medical benefits. She also belittles her daughter’s success as a fighter, saying that everyone is laughing at her. This is what makes the scene in the hospital so heartbreaking. Maggie has done everything she could to win the love of her mother, and her mother has no more regard for her than she would a bug. But because Earline isn’t sophisticated enough to hide her selfishness and outright contempt for her daughter, she is in fact less dangerous than her upper-class counterpart Beth. And Maggie quickly sees through her greedy, scheming ways and orders her out of her life, threatening to sell her house out from under her if she ever shows her face again. 

Conrad, however, has to deal with a more subtle form of covert abuse from a gracious, image conscious mother who is finely attuned to social mores. Beth isn’t a crude redneck like Earline but a refined, social butterfly that serves homemade candy apples to the neighbourhood trick or treaters, shows-up at parties with a smile on her face and a gift for the hostess, and sends Christmas presents to a long list of friends and family. She always remembers to be considerate and do the right thing on the right occasion. However, when it comes to her son Conrad, she neither acknowledges nor considers what is best for him. The fact is, her insensitivity toward Conrad is selective: a pattern of choices she makes at every turn to disregard him which confuses and destabilizes him to the point of suicide. So, like Earline, Beth's lack of concern for Conrad as a person is utterly consistent.  It would appear then, that both these ‘mothers’ – though one more obvious than the other – actually want to destroy their child.

Both films offer a poignant look at the narcissistic mother and it is in the evidence of their malignancy that each story reaches a resolution. For example, when Frankie – Maggie’s boxing coach played by Clint Eastwood – sees how outrageously cruel and greedy her mother is, he decides to carry-out Maggie’s wish to help her die. When Calvin watches Beth’s icy and bizarre reaction to Conrad’s expression of love - a hug - he finally faces the reality that his wife isn’t capable of love and decides to end the marriage. In this regard, both films end on a positive note with both children being saved from the destructive influence of their mothers. Particularly Ordinary People, for Calvin finally sees through Beth’s false front, which has collapsed, revealing her inner emptiness, and she is abandoned precisely for that reason – being empty.

I think the film’s title: Ordinary People is significant in that it describes the ‘ordinary’ existence of a family torn apart by tragedy and the ‘ordinary’ appearance of the existence of evil - Beth.     

For those of you who have yet to see the film here is a quick synopsis written from the perspective on an adult child of a malignant narcissist mother:

Everything about the Beth character screams narcissist and I remember when I saw the film – way back in the 80s – I leaned over to my friend and whispered, “My mother is just like her but way meaner.” With wide-eyed disbelief, all my new pal could utter was, “Oh Lise!”

After the death of her ‘Golden Boy’ in a boating accident, a malignant narcissist mother tries to drive her other son to suicide so she can rid herself of the inconvenience and focus on a life with her husband.

Ordinary People is one of the few films that I know of that closely examines the role a narcissistic parent plays not only in the destruction of a child but of the family unit. Though, those who aren’t familiar with NPD may find the character of Beth absolutely baffling. The description on the back of the DVD cover describes her as ‘the inexplicably aloof mother.' Even the shrink in the film doesn’t get it. In a therapy session he tells Conrad, “Recognize her limitations and don’t blame her for not loving more than she’s able. Maybe she just can’t show the way she feels.” Ha! She shows the way she feels alright: by an absolute refusal to give Conrad any attention she is letting him know, in no uncertain terms, that he is nothing - which is the essence of narcissistic abuse.

Ordinary People is such an excellent rendition of the essence of narcissistic abuse and the subtleties of narcissism, that I’m convinced Judith Guest – who wrote the novel the film is based on – had a very close encounter with a narcissistic parent of some sort.

The Malignant Narcissist: Death Personified

 To read this article and many more... 


                                                Purchase a Copy of House of Mirrors Book