Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Should NOT Be Revictimized

Some people can’t stand to refer to themselves as a “victim” of narcissistic abuse. They prefer the word “target." I don’t see the difference. Tomato, tamato, potato, patato.

“Victim” seems to be a shameful, dirty word for some. I don’t share that shame. I believe we should give the word “victim” the respect it deserves.

In light of my recent blog post on “Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation,” and the comments that followed, I thought the following article might be helpful for some readers. I printed it out in 2008. There is no author. I found it on a link from a blog.

VICTIM?

Dr. Frank Ochberg, Harvard trained MD and trauma expert says our culture blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim.

Victim, survivor, victimology, victim abuse… why are victims being told to deny their reality? Sometimes being sad is normal. It doesn’t mean you stay there, but don’t feel guilty for it.

Why everyone can’t just “move on” and “choose a happy future.”

The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed, is flawed. Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is impaired. Sometimes, help is needed.

The phrase, “move on with your life” is common. Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, lost a home, or savings, a family or job this phrase can be another betrayal. Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.

The infrastructure of a life is often destroyed leaving the victim stunned, hypervigilant, indigent, betrayed and perplexed as to why they are expected to “choose” not to be a victim.  Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot.

It’s time to give that word back its status and in doing so, respect the abused. Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners, (I added) abuse by their family members.

What is the definition of a victim?

According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an acts, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, brain cells dies, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.

Why are victims revictimized?

Because it is politically correct to say, “I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.”

Not all victims are the same.

Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support. Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, instead of being welcomed, they find “helpers” that tell them they are responsible for healing NOW. These people are revictimizing because “choice” is NOT always an option.

We must reclaim the word “victim” and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of victim impact statements and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.

Are you being victimized again by someone who says, “If you won’t stop being a victim, I won’t help you.”? Maybe your attorney, therapist, siblings, or friends are claiming that you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don’t know what they’re talking about.

As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:

1.      Compassion

2.      Validation

3.      Freedom from therapeutic abuse

4.      A support team to open doors to resources

5.      A friend, therapist or counsellor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life 

Depending who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others. As a victim, you have the right to say, “STOP” to those who blame the victim. An entire self-help industry has arisen that believes if you just really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. A starting point for recovery is post-traumatic stress sites. There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.

The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery.

It doesn’t matter if you call yourself a victim, a survivor or a Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is.  A victim is not a sloth like creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.

The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatizing begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style. Depending on the depth and time of abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control. IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event. It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. But not over and over to everyone who will listen. Validation is critical.    

Exposing The Malignant Narcissist

Annihilating others is essential to the malignant narcissist if they are to continue to feel superior. Public condemnation, affirmation and notoriety give them the attention they crave:  being feared, despised or pitied affirms that they exist as “somebody.” So what of the Blogs on the evil of malignant narcissists? Are they a form of public condemnation? 

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Narcissistic Abuse and Isolation

Something that I have always heard from the narcissists in my life – the so-called Nfriend – is, “You’re such a strong person.” This is met by me with a secret eye-roll.  Of course I’m strong. I have no other choice but to be strong. When you’re surrounded by narcissists there is absolutely no support. This is also a get out of jail free card for the narcissist. They can delude themselves into thinking they’re a good friend by offering nothing and taking everything because “You’re so strong.” It’s an excuse that the narcissist uses to justify withholding support of any kind because the sad fact is, they have none to give.  Narcissists are anti-supportive.  They are users. They are abusers. And they are always looking for ways to rationalize their cold-blooded reptilian existence.

It is impossible to have a reciprocal relationship with a non-human that lacks empathy and thinks only of themselves.  Anyone who has survived a family of narcissists and a world of the same with their sanity intact is “strong” by virtue of the fact they survived a life being exploited, neglected and abused.  

Being "strong" and surviving a lifetime of narcissistic abuse is fucking exhausting and it's what sends me into isolation.  Sometimes I say to myself, “I hate people.” But the truth is, I hate the people I’ve known – narcissists. Yes, I hate narcissists. I’m not going to mince words here. I loathe each and every one of them.  My indifference to them as people is a learned response that I gleaned from a lifetime of enduring their pathology. I don’t give a flying fig about any of them and I hope they know it. They taught me how NOT to care about them.

In brief, here’s what a relationship with a narcissist looks like for the non-narcissist:

·         Being rejected and denied value as a person

·         Being degraded and having your self-worth and dignity as a person diminished

·         Being exploited and used for the narcissist’s profit or advantage

·         Being terrorized by intimidation, control, coercion, and stalking

·         Being denied care, affection, and attention of any kind

·         Being dismissed, humiliated, manipulated, and belittled

·         Being violated by pathological envy, greed, and entitlement

·         Being plundered, pillaged and systematically destroyed

Narcissistic abuse tears at a person’s self-worth and manifests in social withdrawal, anxiety, fearfulness, depression, self-blame and self-destructive behaviour. It results in feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy and powerlessness. Is it any wonder that my coping mechanism of choice has been to hide from a world of narcissists?

An unsupportive world of narcissists is all I’ve known. And that hard reality is by far the most difficult  thing to come to terms with about my narcissistic upbringing.  I despise them for brainwashing me and training me into accepting the same abuse from their kind.  This has done great damage to my life.  If the narcissists from my “family” were the only ones I’ve known, I wouldn’t be writing this Blog. It is a lifetime of enduring the cruelty of narcissists that has brought me here. And it hasn’t been easy.

If I added-up the months that I’ve isolated from a world of N ghouls it would amount to years. I’ve lost years hiding from the abuse of narcissists. By isolating, I was essentially protecting myself from harm.  And each and every time I gathered my resources, picked myself up and stepped back out into the N world, I have been knocked back down… each time harder than the last. I think the more one gets pounded down by narcissists, the more vulnerable one becomes and this attracts an even more vicious type of predator. Malignant narcissists are odious creatures that can instinctively sense victims who have been primed by their own kind.    

One does not get stronger by experiencing a world of unrelenting abuse. It’s a brutal cycle that causes unbearable shame and forces the victim to withdraw. The victims of narcissists - those so-called “strong people” - end up hating themselves for being reduced to a hostage of their pain and suffering while being forced to put up a brave front.  And the vile narcissist is able to walk away as if nothing has happened, and as far as they are concerned, nothing has. Like sharks, narcissists injure and kill cold-bloodedly and keep on moving. It is always others that suffer, NOT the narcissist.

Why do we isolate under duress? What else can we do? We are normal people who have been placed in a pervert’s warped world. We are normal people acting on normal human principles and having those principles play right into the narcissist’s perverted premises. We are right side up, the narcissist is upside down. Being in a family of narcissists; having relationships with narcissists; being surrounded by narcissists doesn't feel normal because it isn't normal to take abuse. It prompts us to fight or flee.  

I’ve fought back and believe me I have been condemned for it. Why does this always happen to you?! What did you do to them?! You're so confrontational! Your anger frightens me. Don’t be so difficult! You seem fine to me... it's over, move-on! You're strong... take the high road! Don't give them the satisfaction. Say nothing! Just take-it and act like it didn’t happen!

The merciless suppression by the rest of the world over the victim's efforts at self-defence is what really breaks us. Who is strong enough to withstand the abuse of the narcissists AND the jumping on our backs of everyone else who doesn’t want to hear about it because it makes them uncomfortable… So uncomfortable in fact, that they must minimize the reality of our experience and assign the cause of the abuse to the victim by way of blame and pathology. They jump on us for fighting back; they jump on us for causing it; they jump on us for complaining; and they jump on us for being depressed. So the callous bystanders pile on and do to us what the narcissist couldn't achieve - they break our back and crush what’s left of our most precious possession, our self-concept as a solid person.  And this is how we become exactly what everyone wants to label us because no one has a strong enough backbone to withstand all that abuse. We become demoralized and retreat into a state of withdrawal and isolation.

Those targeted by narcissists long to be HEARD, but they are universally abandoned when they go in search for help, support, care and understanding. No one will ever get "it” unless "it" happens to them. That’s why isolation - “fleeing” – is the safest way to recover from narcissistic abuse. It helps you avoid more abuse from a world of heartless bystanders who get irritated by your sad face and punish you for fighting back. 

Those that have experienced it need no explanation.

Those that have not experienced it there is no explanation. 

Any way you slice it, enduring narcissistic abuse is an isolating experience.  

Malignant Narcissism is About CONTROL

Every single motivation behind the narcissist’s abuse stems from a pathological need to control what others think, feel, say and do. Every loathsome narcissistic trait such as covetousness, entitlement, greed and predation is an off-shoot of the narcissist’s delusion of control over the entire world, and everyone, and everything in it.

Narcissist Mother's Mantra: "You Have No Right To Live!"

I never once entertained fantasies of having a loving, caring mother. How could I? I didn’t have time for fantasies. All of my energy was devoted to survival. 

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The Narcissist's Crazy Projections

Most narcissists are morons. Living in the land of delusion, lacking the ability to introspect, and going through life with their heads stuck dangerously far up their asses makes them incredibly clueless. So, it’s no surprise when they blurt out the most blatantly obvious projections.

Being surrounded by a countless array of oblivious narcissists has put me at the receiving end of some really obnoxious projections. I thought I would share some of them:

The Diabetic Cookie Monster N: This N lives alone; his kitchen is always stocked with cakes, cookies, pecan tarts, doughnuts, cinnamon rolls, and sweet, syrupy port wines. He shoots insulin just so he can continue eating sugar.  There is a brand new box of cookies on the counter and I take one. A few days later, I open the box and it’s empty. I shake the box and look inside and the N says to me; “You sure do love your sweets.”

The Financial Failure N: This N has no steady work, lousy credit, a ton of debt, and a very personal relationship with the Mob - a.k.a Visa. I’ve got a decent job, was just approved for a mortgage and am shopping for a condo. I’m driving with the N in my car. A driver in a BMW is tailgating me. I remark that I don’t like BMW drivers because they are arrogant; they always speed; run reds and go a thousand miles an hour through school zones. The N says to me; “You’re jealous of wealth.”

The Chubby N: This N is actually on the obese side. His addiction is food. He loves to eat. We order our meals at a restaurant, and before the food arrives he asks for another plate of garlic bread - just in case. The Chubby N manages to inhale a huge dinner, including the extra plate of garlic bread. We go to a park to walk off the meal. The N is feeling the effects of his excessive gorging.  He rubs his protruding belly and looks over at me and says; "You look bloated."   

The Sleepwalker N: This N has sleepwalked through her entire life. As long as I have known her – 20 years – she has the done the same thing day in and day out. She’s lived in the same apartment for over 30 years and has not once rearranged her furniture. Her family offered to buy her a condo but she couldn’t exert the energy needed to move and didn’t want to endure the “stress” of moving. She is often referred to as a “dead-beat” because she is so lifeless and bland. She speaks in a monotone voice. She is never really happy or angry, or sad, but she is an infernal whiner.

Her primary relationship is with her narcissist mother. She is clueless, dense and completely out of it. She is NOT present at all. For example; one time she was over at my place and we were getting ready to leave, and I couldn’t find my keys. I always put them in the same spot on the counter, so I was baffled. I searched everywhere. For about 20 minutes, I racked my brain and turned my place upside down. The dozy headed N just stood there, in the same spot, lost in her own world. I noticed that she was clutching something and I asked, “What’s in your hand?” Sure enough, the whole time I was looking for my keys, she was holding them. Her keys were in her purse but I guess she thought she was in her own apartment so when I said, “let’s go” she grabbed the only set of keys in sight.

I move into a new apartment and it’s an adjustment. I tell The Sleepwalker N that going from the top - 12th floor - of a building to living on the the second floor is really different; they are so many new sounds to get used to. The Sleepwalker N says in a condescending tone; "Aw, you're such a delicate flower." 

I tell the Sleepwalker N that I went out on a date with a guy who talked about himself the entire time. I tell the Sleepwalker N that I was polite, asked questions, and stayed interested in what he had to say. Then I told the N that when I tried telling my date some things about myself, he looked at the ceiling or right past me, or at his watch and he actually yawned. The Sleepwalker N Dead-Beat says smugly; “Well, maybe when you’re "excited" about your life, someone else will be.”
This was also projection in the sense that like all narcissists, she had absolutely no interest in my life. It's so refreshing to break the narc food chain and have relationships with people that actually give a shit about you and show an interest in your life!

The Socially Bizarre N: This N is on the wrong side of 40 and has never worked a day in her life. Other than a few narcissistic fantasy projects, she has never held a job – she’s too entitled to work. Besides; she’s a pathological control freak, who must always be in charge, and doesn’t have the social skills to work well with others. She’s also a compulsive hoarder and has not let anyone into her home for over a decade. She’s also a hermit who doesn’t leave her home, unless of course, it’s to see a doctor for one of her imaginary illnesses. She’s also a hypochondriac. She has one friend – another N – who is kept safely at a distance. She has a flying monkey and a MN Mother (yep it’s MN Sister). If people are kind enough to lend her things, or even drop of Christmas dinners, they are to be left at the gate of her building by the street.  The Socially Bizarre N is always pathologizing people and speculating on who is “low-functioning.”

I'm working at a very busy job that involves a lot of socializing at industry parties. During one telephone conversation, I tell the N that I think an actress on a TV show is really good at the character she plays. The Socially Bizarre N says in a condescending tone; “Oh, that character reminds me of you. YOU just don’t fit in anywhere.”

The Demonic N:  My entire childhood, this MN screams at me: “Who the hell do you think you are!?”  “I’m going to annihilate you!!” “I’m going to annihilate you!!” “I’m going to wring your bloody neck!”

She also screams:  “Your brother is afraid of you!!” “You’ve got the devil in you!!”

Those examples are just a drop-in-the-bucket of N projections that I have experienced over the years. On a positive note, the only remaining N in my life is The Cookie Monster.