Thursday, 16 June 2011

The Narcissist's Crazy Projections

Most narcissists are morons. Living in the land of delusion, lacking the ability to introspect, and going through life with their heads stuck dangerously far up their asses makes them incredibly clueless. So, it’s no surprise when they blurt out the most blatantly obvious projections.
Being surrounded by a countless array of oblivious narcissists has put me at the receiving end of some really obnoxious projections. I thought I would share some of them:
The Diabetic Cookie Monster N: This N lives alone; his kitchen is always stocked with cakes, cookies, pecan tarts, doughnuts, cinnamon rolls, and sweet, syrupy port wines. He shoots insulin just so he can continue eating sugar.  There is a brand new box of cookies on the counter and I take one. A few days later, I open the box and it’s empty. I shake the box and look inside and the N says to me; “You sure do love your sweets.”
The Financial Failure N: This N has no steady work, lousy credit, a ton of debt, and a very personal relationship with the Mob - a.k.a Visa. I’ve got a decent job, was just approved for a mortgage and am shopping for a condo. I’m driving with the N in my car. A driver in a BMW is tailgating me. I remark that I don’t like BMW drivers because they are arrogant; they always speed; run reds and go a thousand miles an hour through school zones. The N says to me; “You’re jealous of wealth.”
The Chubby N: This N is actually on the obese side. His addiction is food. He loves to eat. We order our meals at a restaurant, and before the food arrives he asks for another plate of garlic bread - just in case. The Chubby N manages to inhale a huge dinner, including the extra plate of garlic bread. We go to a park to walk off the meal. The N is feeling the effects of his excessive gorging.  He rubs his protruding belly and looks over at me and says; "You look bloated."   
The Sleepwalker N: This N has sleepwalked through her entire life. As long as I have known her – 20 years – she has the done the same thing day in and day out. She’s lived in the same apartment for over 30 years and has not once rearranged her furniture. Her family offered to buy her a condo but she couldn’t exert the energy needed to move and didn’t want to endure the “stress” of moving. She is often referred to as a “dead-beat” because she is so lifeless and bland. She speaks in a monotone voice. She is never really happy or angry, or sad, but she is an infernal whiner.
Her primary relationship is with her narcissist mother. She is clueless, dense and completely out of it. She is NOT present at all. For example; one time she was over at my place and we were getting ready to leave, and I couldn’t find my keys. I always put them in the same spot on the counter, so I was baffled. I searched everywhere. For about 20 minutes, I racked my brain and turned my place upside down. The dozy headed N just stood there, in the same spot, lost in her own world. I noticed that she was clutching something and I asked, “What’s in your hand?” Sure enough, the whole time I was looking for my keys, she was holding them. Her keys were in her purse but I guess she thought she was in her own apartment so when I said, “let’s go” she grabbed the only set of keys in sight.
I move into a new apartment and it’s an adjustment. I tell The Sleepwalker N that going from the top - 12th floor - of a building to living on the the second floor is really different; they are so many new sounds to get used to. The Sleepwalker N says in a condescending tone; "Aw, you're such a delicate flower." 
I tell the Sleepwalker N that I went out on a date with a guy who talked about himself the entire time. I tell the Sleepwalker N that I was polite, asked questions, and stayed interested in what he had to say. Then I told the N that when I tried telling my date some things about myself, he looked at the ceiling or right past me, or at his watch and he actually yawned. The Sleepwalker N Dead-Beat says smugly; “Well, maybe when you’re "excited" about your life, someone else will be.”
This was also projection in the sense that like all narcissists, she had absolutely no interest in my life. It's so refreshing to break the narc food chain and have relationships with people that actually give a shit about you and show an interest in your life!
The Socially Bizarre N: This N is on the wrong side of 40 and has never worked a day in her life. Other than a few narcissistic fantasy projects, she has never held a job – she’s too entitled to work. Besides; she’s a pathological control freak, who must always be in charge, and doesn’t have the social skills to work well with others. She’s also a compulsive hoarder and has not let anyone into her home for over a decade. She’s also a hermit who doesn’t leave her home, unless of course, it’s to see a doctor for one of her imaginary illnesses. She’s also a hypochondriac. She has one friend – another N – who is kept safely at a distance. She has a flying monkey and a MN Mother (yep it’s MN Sister). If people are kind enough to lend her things, or even drop of Christmas dinners, they are to be left at the gate of her building by the street.  The Socially Bizarre N is always pathologizing people and speculating on who is “low-functioning.”
I'm working at a very busy job that involves a lot of socializing at industry parties. During one telephone conversation, I tell the N that I think an actress on a TV show is really good at the character she plays. The Socially Bizarre N says in a condescending tone; “Oh, that character reminds me of you. YOU just don’t fit in anywhere.”
The Demonic N:  My entire childhood, this MN screams at me: “Who the hell do you think you are!?”  “I’m going to annihilate you!!” “I’m going to annihilate you!!” “I’m going to wring your bloody neck!”
She also screams:  “Your brother is afraid of you!!” “You’ve got the devil in you!!”
Those examples are just a drop-in-the-bucket of N projections that I have experienced over the years. On a positive note, the only remaining N in my life is The Cookie Monster.


  1. Wow, what a list. They all sound traumatized and traumatizing.

    Intrigued by your descriptions of Sleepwalker and Socially Bizarre. Not that this excuses their nasty behavior, but is it possible they could have traits elsewhere in Cluster B, maybe schizoid or borderline? Not that this is your problem (it emphatically is not), but wonder if therapy or healthier diet could help Sleepwalker especially?

    Some of my own NM list:

    - Sometimes turns out the light when she leaves a room in her house although I'm still in the room.
    - During my childhood and teen years, during the long "lectures" about my failings, used to address me, mistakenly, by the name of my father or her own mother -- the two people she felt had thwarted her most. Later, in friendlier contexts, began to address me, mistakenly, by the name of an employee who she viewed as a sidekick.
    - Once said that the only time I had ever seemed happy in my work was when I held a temporary corporate job. For moral and cultural reasons I was not happy with that job, but she was.
    - As a "joke," gave me a bright red warning sign captioned, "Watch Out When I'm About," saying it described my angry nature.
    - Explains all behavior she doesn't understand by announcing that the person involved is "trying to get attention." Appears to believe that "getting attention" is the basic human motive. (Like any child of an engulfing narc, one of my basic motives is to avoid attention. Anyway certain kinds of attention.)

    - GKA

  2. GKA, thanks for your comment. It made me laugh, albeit uncomfortably. "They all sound traumatized and traumatizing" - this is an interesting observation.

    I've often thought "Socially Bizarre" MN sister may be schizoid. The thing is, she can come across as so normal and intelligent over the phone and in writing, and that is really the only way she communicates with others. I'm one of the few - if not the only one - who has experienced her dark, crazy, controlling, destructive, scary side. She is intellectually very devious, cunning, and calculating. I'm not sure if schizoids are like that. I think she might be a sociopathic N because she's so devious. She's more dangerous than MN mother. MN mother isn't capable of her masterful plotting and destruction. In any case, I know she is mentally ill, in addition to being an N. It's as if she has taken all of the N traits to the extreme of mental illness. For example, excessive greed became hoarding.

    I've often thought "The Sleepwalker" is anemic or something. She would do stuff like your mom - turning out lights while someone is still in the room. I think she is just pathologically self-absorbed. She is fairly high-funtioning as an artist/painter. She seems to eat healthily. If anything, I think she might be on the dependent personality type side. But, she definitely is an N through and through.

    Your NM sounds like a piece of work. "Watch Out When I'm About." Whaaat?! Projection much? People better watch out when she's about or they'll be left in the dark. And, she needs to shed a little light on herself. Ha! It sounds like she is projecting the attention thing. When people think that something is everyone elses motivation, it's usually their own. And, she projected HER being happy because you were in that job onto you. It's all so crazy.

    I think Ns only see themselves reflected in others - they don't actually see anyone as a separate identity. It would be fascinating to live as an N for a day and see what they see.

    You reminded me of more N projections with the attention bit. I had an N boyfriend who needed attention from everyone, wherever we went. Once I sent back a meal at a restauarant because the meat was raw and he cooed to the waitress -that he was flirting with -"Aw, she's just looking for attention."

    The worst part is, I never called-out any of the Ns on their perverse projections. I guess, you live and you learn.

  3. Thanks for kind comments. That restaurant incident is something else.

    Wonder if there are different flavors of hoarding motives... The main hoarder in my family was probably borderline. She seemed to hoard mainly out of fear of abandonment, to preserve her memories/identity and to have (sometimes old and awful) gifts always ready for everyone, at least partly to ward off rejection by inducing gratitude. So I thought "borderline" thinking of a hoarder generally... but on second reading it sounds like your hoarder might be acting out of a more domineering need to create a sense of control over the world, maybe by containing as much as possible of it...?

    Interesting re SB acting normal in communication a distance but weird in person. Could there be something that unnerves her about seeing or being seen by another person in person?


  4. Your family hoarder sounds like the more typical kind as seen on A&E's Hoarders. I know it's an OCD thing, but I didn't know about borderline.

    You hit the nail on the head with SB hoarding to create a sense of control. She showed signs of greed and entitlement at a very early age. I think for her it's about having it all, and controlling it all. She would take a piece of furniture from someone offering and let it rot on her balconey just so no one else could have it. Also, if you lend her anything she refuses to give it back. In fact, she will have a trantrum if you ask for it back. And, this is a grown woman. During a move she snagged boxes of my personal keepsakes - yearbooks, favorite books, clothing etc. She's had this stuff for over 20 years and she had a fit when I asked for my belongings back and said I should just be happy that they weren't thrown away. She power tripped on having something of mine that I wanted. So, I dropped it a long time ago.

    She does hide out from the world for physical reasons. She has rosacea, but so do a lot of people, and she walks with a cane because she has a plastic hip, but so do a lot of people.

    She appears to be kind of pathetic and quite a mess but that's what makes her so dangerous. People feel sorry for her. Including N parents. So, it doesn't matter if she's trying to destroy me, she's the one whose had it rough. Evil comes in many disguises.

    She's been playing the pastic hip pity card since she was young and when that lost its luster, she moved onto rosacea.

    She got attention, control, and entitlement in the family for being the poor sister with the hip thing. It worked for her as a kid and she carried it into adulthood.

    Even Stephen King couldn't dream-up a character like her.

    1. "People feel sorry for her.Including N parents. So, it doesn't matter if she is trying to destroy me,she's the one whose had it rough." This thinking is permeates our society. It's so freaking twisted... I use to get," I bet you didn't have it as rough as so and so," assuming and believing that person had it worse. That gave them a right to be an a**.

  5. That rings a whole new set of familiar bells. Strange to learn how often there are typical patterns to behaviors that one thought belonged to individuals.

    - GKA

  6. I’m going to annihilate you!!

    Reminds me of Exhibit A - the one who has a twitter account that I just picked apart and posted on my blog.

    She mentioned something about "annihilating" someone. I think that someone may have been me.

    She also may fit the roles of "chubby N" and "Financial Failure." Chubby, I'm sure of but financial failure is just a hunch. A very strong hunch.

    (Not signed in)


  7. you have captured crazy-making Narcissistic projections is a humorous way! Yeah for you. Being able to laugh at them (finally) is so freeing. I like to refer to them as "Cluster B cluster f***). ;)

  8. I love mocking the crazy-making Ns! I've always seen the dark comedy in their absurd behavior.

    They are all just "Cluster B cluster f***!

  9. Lisette - Just wanted to leave a thanks here, for your latest comment on one of my posts. Your commentary was spot on and came at just the right time, since we recently heard from DH's Flying Monkey Enabling Father.

    Just in case you didn't come back to my post, I wanted to send my gratitude to you somewhere I knew you would see it. (here!)

    So thank you, I found your insights on "the dangers of keeping up relation-shits with Flying Monkeys" to be perfectly timed and well-said. And, I really appreciate you taking the time to leave the comment, even after your first one was eaten by cyberspace.

    Many hugs!

  10. Ahhh, projections! How the MN's give themselves away! I still have a snail mail letter "trove" from years ago from my MNm with whom I had terminated my relationship many years prior to these relentless "missives". In one, she states, "Its sad to KNOW YOU HAVE NO CONSCIENCE" (my emphasis.) Wow. That "observation" in view of her behavior towards me over the previous 13 yrs. post NC said it all-about HER. The projection-and more importantly the transparency of it really confirmed my life-long experience with her. She absolutely reinforced my sense of who and what she was about (as if I really needed it) and to have it in writing from her-priceless!!

    1. "It's sad to know you have no conscience" My Nm told me that I was cold. Unfortunately, she wasn't by a mirror when she said that.

  11. "It's sad to KNOW YOU HAVE NO CONSCIENCE" Ha! What a whopper! Totally reveals that she is aware of her own dark nature. It's like my MNmother screaming at me, "I'm going to annihilate you! You've got the DEVIL in you!" Yup, methinks the DEVIL resides in you woman.

  12. My exbf always accused me of stealing his things. It didn't matter that his accusations had ZERO merit or that there was a possibility that he had simply misplaced it. The funny (to me) part was that he was the biggest thief I'd ever met. He stole from everyone he knew and every store he'd ever walked into.

    Want hear something scary? He was always fearful of serial killers and that someone would try to murder him in his sleep. Makes me shiver to think about what that might have indicated he was thinking.

  13. I swear, your sister sounds like the number one most unpleasant person I've ever heard of. God really messed up on that one. What, did he throw a bunch of parts together and go, "Okay, I'm done."
    That's your sister.

    My mom reminds me of the Demonic NM. Before, she was more like a rabid dog or a bratty inflamed 5 year old, but at the end, she got pretty freaky. Reminds me of her crowning Demonic moment, once, she threatened to kill herself, came into my room, stood there, and started chanting, "Forever goodnight, forever goodnight, forever goodnight," louder and louder. Then, as the kicker, she said, "But one last thing, before I go, that you need to know, you little bitch," jabs her finger right in my face and says, "YOU'RE not normal!!!!"

    Oh fuck, I didn't realize how funny that was until I typed it out. Fuck! That was projection, wasn't it!

    How's that for harrassment?

    She chants forever goodnight at me like she's at her own imaginary cult ritual or her own personal football game and then the punchline is, I'm not normal. What a weird song.

  14. My narcissistic ex told me I was heartless, selfish, and a loser when I broke up with him. He also made a comment about me acting like I'm still in high school and told me I will end up bitter and relying on my family for financial support for the rest of my life. Funny thing is that I actually had a stable job. He on the other hand was unemployed, spent his days trolling online, and slept on his sister's couch.

    I wasn't the only one who received his projections. He would constantly complain about other people to me. At first I would just listen, not having met any of them I couldn't really judge. But soon I began to see that he was actually criticizing himself.

  15. Their Narc is a complusive gamble. There has been many times when he gambled all his money. After all the pain he caused me he knew my answer was no to any personal loans...he would say to me "you are a hater". Their very good at trying to excite jealousy in you by indirectly trying to compare you to others success. Its a form of devaluation when they want to punish you.

  16. The Malignant Narcissists in my life were all the Demonic type. I think that after growing up under the control of one, other DMNs could intuit my vulnerability and prime suitability as a source of supply and a thing for them to use.

    I was blind to the arrival of DMN number two in my young adult life. The first time he saw me he stared at me in a strange prolonged way with his chin lifted so that he literally looked down his nose at me and his eyes glittered. I did SEE this and my intuitive inner response was a deep ripple of terror arising from my subconcious recognition. That encounter (many decades ago) is engraved on my memory like a tattoo. I turned away and tried to avoid him after that. (He came to work where I did). So he courted my employers, my associates, my friends, until they said to me: "Why are you so rejecting of him? Can't you see he adores you? Can't you give the poor guy a break?" Having never had much validation in my life before that job, and suddenly fearful of losing the validation and the acceptance I had there, I invalidated my own intuitive terror of him as a "neurotic response" and abandoned my fear. So began 14 years of being terrorised, used and driven to the brink if self-destruction. This end was foreshadowed at the 14 year point when his neck was broken and he became a tetraplegic, though his hostility greatly escalated in the 16 months after the accident during which his intrinsic malice was totally unmasked and unleashed. During this time I saw what his real face really looked like, and it is was a terrifying thing to see.

    After those 16 months he arranged his death by paying someone to bring him poison in a glass with a straw. Even in his suicide, he set things up to make it look like I was the supplier of the poison - he intended me to be convicted of manslaughter and serve a long prison sentence. He even intimated to his secretary that this was what would happen. At the time of his death I was unaware of this last malicious plan of his. His last words to me were "Never let anyone tell you that I did not love you". At the time, I swallowed that too.

    His plan failed. There was gossip and innuendo trying to implicate me for a while though people who knew me, and the police, never believed his final great lie. I lived in a state of confusion for a long time. And teamed up with another DMN for almost 25 years.

    The last remaining shreds of my illusions were cast off on the day I found House of Mirrors. I was easy prey as a young adult because I was starving for some validation and had no experience in sorting malicious validation from real validation. I went straight from continuous invalidation from the motherhag DMN to false validation from the ultrascheming DMN whom I came to believe really loved me (because he said so) and groomed me in extremely calculating ways to believe that - and everyone around me. I am free of DMNs now. Their is a Narc girlfriend in my life still, not malignant nor demonic, just particularly narcissistic, but we are largely estranged now and she expresses her narcissism in competitiveness to feel superior to others. She is very capable and a Queen Bee type - she actually calls herself the Queen Bee. She does have some positives, and is not totally bereft of empathy. I do not give my power away to her anymore so I have become of less and less interest to her. She does feel vulnerability though would never admit it. She was a golden cihld herself, and overall has survived that experience better than most. There was a time when I was envious of her, because her life seemed so much easier than mine had ever been. But not now.

    The Demonics seem to have the characteristics of all the other types as well as their own ultramalignant hyperlayer of evil. Like you Lisette, I have always felt like a Jane Goodall studying the anthropology of evil just as she lived with and studied the gorillas in a circumscribed setting.

  17. Anna, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. Im sure living among the gorillas is not nearly as trecherous as living among the demonic malignant narcissist. You describe your experience so vividly and after reading what happened to the DMN: becoming a tretraplegic and committing suicide by drinking poison, I have to say THAT is as close to a proper death for an MN as I have ever heard. A miserable ending to a truly miserable creature. Of course, I'm sure he deserved a lot worse. Especially after his final display of spectacular evil: his last attempt to completely destroy you by trying to frame you for his murder. THAT is how diabolical they really are. They plot and scheme and lie right up till the bitter end. I wish the evil fucker hung on long enough to see that his plan failed. Anna, I'm glad you found HOM. And thank you for this: "I was easy prey as a young adult because I was starving for some validation and had no experience in sorting malicious validation from real validation." That's right on point and I totally relate.

  18. I have kept my silence on this for 25 years, for fear of not being beleived or implicated by the old saw that "she protests too much". "Spectacular evil" seems the most acute description of what happened. The file remains open on police books, and the police have publicly stated their decision to let it remain there without further attention from them. Assisted suicide is a crime in this country, punishable by a sentence of 14 years imprisonment. People have been imprisoned here under charges arising from similar circumstances.
    I have my own idea about who provided the poison which is probably accurate. (The poison was a powerful weedkiller, a certain irony in that perhaps. Death occurred over three hours as his breathing function was slowly paralysed. It was a truly miserable death).

    I am acutely aware that to "normal" people without experience of DMNs, our comments would seem heartless and chilling, as great a human failing as the catalogue of events I have described. That awareness silenced me for the 25 years until now.

    It would be truly terrible if my life had only been an experience of these ultrawicked DMNs, so I must add that there have been what you might call "People of the Truth" in my life too (the opposite of Peck's People of the Lie) who stand in stark contrast, and their arrivals in my life have enabled me to name and reflect on my experience in a way that has set me free from any residual pain. You are now one of them Lisette. My life has defied them to the extent that 1) I have survived 2) I have known great happiness and 3) I know what really happened and 4) I can and will speak my truth as I choose to without fear or being labelled, trivialised or discounted - and without trivialising and discounting my own experience.

    When I stumbled into HOM and read what you had written on your blogs, I was astonished, because it was clear that you also knew what DMNs are capable of from your own experience, and I don't understimate the courage necessary to speak the truth about them as you do and have done, without the contamination of apologistic explanations for the evil MNs do are the evil that they are. (Four paragraphs without a spiritual metaphor, a personal best for me!!!)