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I never once entertained fantasies of having a loving, caring mother. How could I? I didn’t have time for fantasies. All of my energy was devoted to survival.
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Breaking through the House of Mirrors: Clarity for Adult Children of Narcissists
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Breaking through the House of Mirrors: Clarity for Adult Children of Narcissists
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Freedom from Narcissistic Abuse
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I never listened to a word Ann Landers said but the idea that she would write this is horrific! Your evil mother had a piece of paper that "justified" her crimes.
ReplyDeleteYour Sister is obviously an abuser also and I'm sure you know now in hindsight that you can't let them see any chinks in your armor. NONE.
I'm just glad you are NC with these people. Their is a saying "you're dead to me."
Cheshire, my sincere thanks for your comment. They are dead to me.
ReplyDeletePs... Ann Landers was a deluded old relic. Probably a narc.
This story is very disturbing. I have read People of the Lie and find it reminiscent of the "Bobby" story. What's even more astounding is that your mother lay in wait for almost 20 years to send you that message again, and she struck at the very first available opportunity. It's a testament to your resilience and fortitude as a person that you survived those monsters. The story is also a testament to their evil.
ReplyDeleteAnon, thank you for your validating comment. I still get the creeps when I think about it.
ReplyDeleteHow horrific. What a horrible story, Lisette. I am so very, very sorry.
ReplyDeleteAnd you did right to shut them out.
Thanks for still being here, sharing your thoughts and insights with us. I'm so glad that you didn't listen to that crazy A. Landers.
That's really astonishingly evil, recommending suicide. Only thing I can think of like it is what the FBI did to MLK.
ReplyDeleteSurprised to learn Ann Landers went that far in coldness, but the whole Landers/Abby operation does seem to side reflexively with Credentialed Authorities and with bossy family-facade enforcers against the poor individual who writes to a newspaper for permission to dissent.
- GKA
I've never even contemplated suicide. MN mother slipped me that Ann Landers comment in highschool to plant a thought in my head - that wasn't my own. It's called the "power of suggestion." It's what evil people do. Both mn mother and mn sister practice the black art to try and get others to carry-out their crimes. It's also about pathological control freakism. They must get their way, no matter what. Even if their "way" means getting rid of daughter/sister.
ReplyDeleteWhen I received the AL comment 25 years later, they were trying again to plant the "thought." It had nothing to do with depression - which had long passed and was really anxiety - it's about two evil people trying to manipulate and control someone that they "think" is vulnerable, into their own demise.
It is "astonishingly evil."
GKA, Kiki, thanks for your support!
*shudder*
ReplyDeleteLisette, you're amazing for getting out of there alive and well!
Thank-you Pronoia. 21 years of no "direct" contact with mn mother helps.
ReplyDeleteIt's all been said so I'm sending you a massive hug and telling you how strong you have been, and are still.x
ReplyDeleteoh god. suicide. oh god! i hate your mom. oh god, i hate my mom! i hate them!
ReplyDeletesuicide is a form of homicide, of this i am absolutely sure. it is NOT all vague and complicated, it is not 'oh gee what was going on in his head', SOMEONE did it. no one is born wanting to die. ITS HOMICIDE. someone KILLED THEM. thats what abuse IS.
horrible sinister dark and cruel and tragic, someone hurt you in the truest most basic sense of the word. they didn't have to physically touch you, they got you to kill yourself for them.
that just speaks to the utter point-blank horribleness that is abuse. THEY are BAD.
it is bad.
hands down, no ifs ands or buts, hands DOWN.
point-blank.
oh goodness.
Lisa, I appreciate your passionate comment. "No one is born wanting to die..." I totally agree with you that suicide is a form of homicide. I'm convinced that an investigation into a suicide victim's world, would in most cases, reveal the destructive influence of a malignant narcissist. Getting their target to carry-out their own murderous impulses is the ultimate form of power and control for the evil malignant narcissist.
ReplyDeleteTHEY are BAD! REALLY BAD!
That is a creepy Ann Landers article. I relate to other parts of your article too here. The whole being dragged along shopping, told you never act or look right, everything about image and appearances everywhere. I was even insulted by my NM for a nervous laugh, I developed as a result of feeling like everything I said and did was wrong, remember her turning around in a grocery store, and saying, 'you sound so stupid, why do you have to laugh like that!". Once when I was 15, I told my mother, I was depressed and felt like I wanted to die, I guess I can say in your case, this message was more implied but I was told to "Go ahead and do it then!" Mine can confuse because she has "generous" side, but long ago, I learned to remind myself, you know what has already happened, so never open that door again. I am on LC with mother, and am polite, but I remain an ice cube showing no vulnerabilities whatsoever and have learned that works for the best. I learned a few years ago, to make absolutely sure never to be left alone in a room with her because thats when the claws came out. Sorry with your sister, mine is the golden child, but I have worked on her for years to wiggle her out of mother's control and I think its finally happening. We were close when very young and mother chipped away at that, but one day I'd like to have her back fully and I think you understand what I mean.
ReplyDeleteEven for Ann Landers that's shocking, IMHO. Unfortunately, not so shocking that your mother showed that to you... I agree with the comment about the power of suggestion. Dealt with that more than one in relation to my NM.
ReplyDeleteBTW, speaking of suggestions (but hopefully not a bad one), I've drawn parallels between NMs and The Other Mother in Coraline. A lot of the things they have that character say in the movie sent chills down my spine... when I shared my thoughts with my therapist at the time her jaw dropped. She totally saw it too.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThat's so interesting what you say about The Other Mother in Coraline. I bought the book when it first hit the shelves. Normally I don't buy children's books but I found the premise so intriguing (I wonder why). Unfortunately, before I had a chance to read it, I left it behind in a hotel room and that was the end of that. I haven't seen the film but I will now. Thanks for your comment. Can't wait to see Coraline through the eyes of a DoNM.
Coraline the book, in my opinion, was even darker and more sinister than Coraline the movie - don't get me wrong, it is an excellent read and I loved it. I think it's some of the most imaginative literature to have come along in ages and even though it's supposedly for pre-teens, I couldn't put it down and here I'm in my 40s. But it made the movie look like playground fodder (and the movie is creepy of its own accord, though I love that kind of thing :-) ). There are parts they changed or left out and I'm betting because they would have been too frightening to bring to life on screen for a younger audience.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm hooked. I love the dark and sinister stuff... the darker the better. They always water down the film version in some way. Think I will get my hands on the book. It sounds like a great read. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLisette, I am so sorry this "suicide comment" happened to you. My NM (who also had BDD-by-proxy) gave me suicide messages constantly and my earliest childhood memories are of suicide attempts I made when I was too little to successfully complete the task: hanging myself in my closet (the rod broke under my weight) and so forth. Malignant narcisism is the root of human evil (Peck, Scott, "People of the Lie,") and if you trace this back far enough, you'll find supernatural evil as the antecedent of human evil. Lucifer, was after all, the Original Malignant Narcissist, IMHO. Can I share with you some Bible verses I found comforting? (The truth DOES help.) "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." (Psalm 27:10) "A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit." (Proverbs 15:4) "...the tongue is a small part of the body but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire and is itself set on fire by hell." (James 5,6.) I think your No Contact strategy is the only sane way to go, for us adult children of narcissists. Again, from the Bible "Resist the devil and he will flee." (James 4:7.) God bless, all.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisette,
ReplyDeleteComing from a past with a N mother and sister I can relate to your situation. I'm sorry for what you had to go through, but know you were not alone. I too believe in no contact. My mother died when I was 16, I'm now 26. She was sick for almost 9 years, so the abuse ranged from high to low and back to high then low as her strength came to and from. I was only "freed" by her death. My sister is alive of course, but I maintain no contact w/ her. She has adopted all of her mother's personality disorders and I refuse to subject my daughter to her.
I pray that you have more peace, and for all of us who survived such a traumatic event. God Bless!
Hi Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. Though it may sounds strange to those who haven't experienced what we have, I am glad that your mother died when you were still young, and that you found freedom from her death. You are wise to maintain no contact with your N sister, and to keep your loved ones far away from her.
My mother is dead to me (21 years no contact). However, had she died when I was young my evil sister would not have gotten the master training, back-up, support and encouragement to destroy me. The abuse would have been far less severe as they are malignant narcissist bullies that operate as a team. Without my sister my mother is powerless, and without my mother, my sister (who is still actively trying to destroy me) would have no one to collude and conspire with in my destruction. It is My sister's death that would bring me the greatest relief. Either way, the two bitches share the same psychosis (folie a deux) so when one of them snuffs it, the other is likely to lose their mind and be rendered insane and impotent. It's something I can't wait to hear about. As it stand right now, aside from my sister's lies, slander, character assasination, and innuendo to my father about me, she can't touch me, neither of them can. Besides, my dad is a narc. Do I really care what that stupid cunt says to him? He's delusional too. Also, anyone who believes them are guilty of abuse by association.
I hope we all find some form of peace too. For me, it's exposing the truth of who and what they are (all Ns that have crossed my path). They fucked with the wrong scapegoat... now I'm the one plotting the unmasking of their FALSE selves. They live in fear of me and of what I know, and they have every reason to. I've never been one to walk away from controversy or the unveiling of the truth.
"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
---- Arthur Schopenhauer
I've never had a favorite blog before, but right now I can't think any more useful or truthful than yours!
ReplyDeleteThank you for explaining and validating all the whacked crap which was normalized in the FOO and culture that I managed survive by the grace of God, my own heart and intellect, and that of my chosen community.
May I suggest that readers also look at Cloud and Townsend's book, "Changes That Heal," for a template of what healthy boundaries might look like.
Seriously. I want to hug you and strangle your mother and sister. That is all.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story. I have a narcissist mother and sister, and wonder how it's possible for them both to do and say the things they do.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks, because I have cut off contact and I worry about my nieces and nephews who I have never met. I was able to leave the family.........and wish that I could have a relationship with these little ones, as I was so isolated from Aunt, and Uncles or any family who might see the situation for what it really was.
Other immediate and extended family were all brainwashed.....to think I was stupid, uncaring, self-centred etc.
I moved away and cut contact so sad, can only guess at what is said behind my back. Any way, I agree that no contact is the best rout, as it’s true, anything said does get back to "mother". . . .and the "scapegoat" gets blamed for the lot.
It is really tough, especially if one believes you. I have hope and think that what goes around comes around, and also that you can fool some people some of the time, but not every one all of the time.
Saying a prayer for anyone else suffering from this type of family dysfunction. x x x x
I know how Lisette feels- all too well.
ReplyDeleteNot only do I have a NM and N sister, I was physically disabled as a child.
My mother and sister used to say how NM used to drive me to hospital for treatment, and I should be so grateful.
I mean what is the alternative?
You're supposed to take me to hospital because I am physically disabled.
So, they are beautiful and normal and I am the shameful one on crutches.
I had to walk home from school on crutches because she didn't want to come fetch me, and had to walk 3 miles in high summer.
Did not care in the least.
All they did was make fun of me at home, and when we had guests pretend that they were so concerned.
Now I am a beautiful woman, became a model, went to university, traveled the world and started my own business. I have a fabulous husband, and made the mistake of making contact as N sister was pregant and her boyfriend had left her.
Biggest mistake of my life
They started talking about how they can get money from me, how I can look after them now that my sister is in 'TROUBLE.' And kept waiting for the checks to drop.
When the money did not come, and they did try all kinds of games- the sad face, the hysterical crying- all hell broke loose.
I am sorry for my nephew, but i am never going to be in touch with them again. They have lied to all my extended family, their friends about how I have desserted them and now I think I am better than them. They even went as far as to try to badmouth me to my own husband.
Now I have moved my company's HQ to another country, I simply inform my new aquaintances that my parents' died in an accident and I am an only child.
I'm not a convincing liar, but perhaps people will think its just sadness. Which it is in a sense.
For years my close friends and former work colleagues have always told me... distance yourself... They are jealous and trying to bring me down.
It's hard sometimes because I know that my mother does Not love me, my sister only wants to use me. I feel lonely and unloveable...
But then i remember the beatings, the blue eyes, the lies i had to tell people....
I honestly hope she dies before I have children so that I don't have to lie to them and say your granny is dead. She will not be allowed around them, she and my sister are plain EVIL...
Good for you! You've made a very wise decision to distance yourself from them.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteIt's great that you triumphed over your evil MN mother and sister and went off to live you life.
I can relate all too well to being bullied by both a MN mother and sister, and being placed in a "Cinderella" type role. I can also say, making contact with MN sister was the BIGGEST mistake of my life. But, it made me realize how dangerous these people are, and that ANY contact means you are placing yourself in harms way. Even just phone calls and emails, can be destructive to one's life.
It sounds like you are doing everything right. Also sounds like you have some good friends and colleagues. They are right in saying, to distance yourself because your MN mother and sister are jealous and want to bring you down. Never underestimate how malicious a covetous narc can be. They are threatened by you because you posess everything they lack, but feel entitled to. They also feel incredibly inferior to you so they want a piece of you, they want to be you, but they also want to destroy you.
Anonymous, your MN mother and MN sister are not capable of love. No one is "loved" by a MN, only abused, controlled, exploited etc. etc. You're not having that and that's good.
Keep on living the good life! Also known as the Narc Free life.
Thanks guys!
DeleteEveryday is still a bit of a struggle, i don't know why...
I have a video of the Xmas I brought my husband to meet NM
After a few drinks, she said.
'Here I am enjoying Xmas, with my favourite people. (a pause)... AT THE MOMENT.'
My husband didn't get it, as a normie, he thought it was funny.
Only later did he realise, she slipped up for a second, showed her true self, and didn't even care to conceal it.
He only heard from her again, when she sent him a comment on FB to say that if she were younger she would've liked to have him.
Extreme narcissism and total grossness combined in one.
Chilling and Grotesque
Lisette, you help me every day and remind me to live NARC FREE!!