Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissist Siblings

Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings

By

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Narcissistic Personality Clinical Expert

Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.

When the Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling” since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.

The life stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.

As the covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass, their identity. They are convinced that any assets belonging to the parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a penny.  I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The covert narcissist through a series of cunning maneuvers gains control of the family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it is too late.

Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling.

Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.

Recognize the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace. Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and deserve.

http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/blog/

The Sociopath Takes What Doesn't Belong to Her

I write you this letter to explain something to you. You have a serious personality disorder whose very symptoms, paradoxically, may leave you unaware that you have it.

Or, you may be “aware” of your disorder in an “intellectual” sense but consequent to your disorder, you lack appropriate alarm and shame over its expression.

People who do not have your disorder, if they were told they had it (and of its nature), would feel extremely unnerved and shamed to hear this feedback.

You, on the other hand, neither feel nor react with expected levels of uneasiness to learn of your disorder. Your reactions, expressing either calm indifference, an attitude of smug superiority or, alternatively, extreme irritation and indignation, add credence to the diagnosis.

You were probably not “born” with this disorder, but it’s also probable that you brought a biological tendency to it whose eventual emergence your upbringing probably encouraged or elicited.

Your disorder is called a number of different names that can be confusing, among them sociopath, psychopath, antisocial personality disorder, malignant narcissist, and more informal names. Although there may be some useful distinctions between these terms, the confusion they produce probably exceeds the usefulness of these distinctions.

More important are the common elements between them which describe a similar phenomenon – a human being like yourself who, while intellectually aware of common standards and laws of “right and wrong,” nonetheless grossly, chronically violates the boundaries and integrity of others with deficient remorse, deficient empathy, a deficient sense of accountability and, typically, with an attitude of contempt, or indifference towards the experiences and suffering of those you’ve violated.

You might recognize yourself in this description, but you may not. If you do, as I’ve suggested, your recognition of yourself as having this disorder will not produce an appropriate response.

But if you don’t recognize yourself from this description it’s likely to be a function of more than just your denial. Rather, your failure to see yourself, truly, as a sociopath probably reflects to an extent, an aforementioned feature of your disorder: I refer again to your deficient empathy as a consequence of which you are actually incapable of feeling more than superficial, transient concerns about, and remorse for your hurtful impact on others.

It is possible that hurting others is a primary goal but it’s also likely hurting others is a byproduct of your primary aim (and lifelong pattern) of taking something from others that doesn’t belong to you.

In other words, you may or may not intentionally seek to hurt others, but in either case your condition leaves you depleted of normal, inhibiting levels of compassion, sympathy and empathy towards others.

Your disorder has other essential features. The reason you can take from people, steal from them – their property, possessions, money, their dignity, sometimes their lives – and suffer so negligibly, if at all from your abuse of them, is that you do not respect them.

Your condition fundamentally leaves you with a characterological disrespect of others.

You view the world as a competition ground for gratification. People around you are thus players in this metaphorical drama; players from whom your principle inclination is to take, cajole, exploit and manipulate whatever it is that will leave you, not them, in a more comfortable, satiated condition.

You feel that your gratification – your present security, status, satisfaction and entertainment – takes precedence over everyone else’s. Your gratification is simply more important than anything else.

In your mind, you are entitled to the gratification you seek – in whatever forms you presently seek it – even when it costs others a great deal of pain towards which, as we’ve established, you bring a disordered lack of empathy and concern. This is a very twisted notion – specifically, the conviction that your gratification and its pursuit are virtually your inalienable right – a notion that supports the rationalizing of the chronic expression of your abusive, exploitative attitudes and behaviors towards others.

Finally, this makes you, your organized Crime Ring, and any accomplice who carries-out your “assaults” a remorseless violator of innocent people.

In an effort to put a stop to your destructive acts and mitigate injury to others, I am willing to get you help for your severe mental problems.

I have booked you an appointment at the department of criminal psychology at UBC for a formal “diagnosis”, but as you may or may not know, your disorder is notoriously unamenable to known “treatments." 

A more viable option to protect others from your criminal behavior and escalating psychological violence is for you, and your partners in crime, to live out the rest of your miserable days in a cage.  

I will continue to pursue every opportunity available to make sure this happens. 

Source: Steve Becker

Malignant Narcissism is About CONTROL

Every single motivation behind the narcissist’s abuse stems from a pathological need to control what others think, feel, say and do. Every loathsome narcissistic trait such as covetousness, entitlement, greed and predation is an off-shoot of the narcissist’s delusion of control over the entire world, and everyone, and everything in it.