Sunday 8 June 2014

Among ACONs



@q1605 There was a girl I used to tag back and forth with whose mother was about as bad as mine and your mother is and one day I was telling her about my 40 something jesus freak neighbors who are so joined at the hip with their parents that they can't have work done on their house without one parent or the other coming over and supervising it for them. And I told her I would rather have grown up with nothing than to have the opposite and be smothered like that. She shot back. BULLSHIT! I could use a little smothering if it meant me not having to worry about next months rent. 

@Lisette I think we're so used to being deprived of any love or attention that something like a parent's interest in our lives would feel suffocating in some ways. If we weren't SO neglected and deprived it might not seem like smothering to us. We would probably learn to depend on the help. 

@q1605 That's an excellent point! My grandmother was a very doting woman and I moved in to live with her at the age of 15 and thought she was going to drive me crazy. I was always respectful to her....I might have been more rebellious if any one gave a fuck but I would have rebelled to a blank slate. My grandmother broke her hip before I was 20 and I drove her to family reunions etc. And took her shopping at the grocery store. We had this understanding about me calling her if I was going to late out all night. I saw that as a courtesy more than an imposition. But she would alter her schedule around mine. Like stay up until I got home and sleep late and fix me breakfast before I would leave for work. But I just didn't know what to do with it. I went from one extreme to the other. Cuz after my father died my mother dropped me off with her and drove off and didn't have much to do with me until I turned 18. THEN she wanted me to move in with her. I told her no because I had found a steady job and was going to junior college and that produced the N-rage of the decade. 

I told my mother I had a good life here without her and continued to live with my grandmother. That's what sparked one of the worst phone berating sessions she ever doled out to me. What you said earlier made me think of something that happened when I was maybe 4 or so. My mom had some guy at the house screwing him while my dad was at work. So she threw me out into the street so they could be alone. I walked down to another house and was climbing on the ladies fence and fell and cut my foot. The lady came out and was sooooooo fucking nice. She put mercurochrome on the cut and called it Monkey Blood and was just like what a mother is supposed to be like. I remember thinking she must be from some other planet because moms are not supposed to be nice and sweet, they are supposed to bitchy, crabby, and impatient. 

@Lisette I bet that lady who mended your foot gave you more kindness and attention in that moment than your mother did in her lifetime. I'm glad you didn't move back in with her. At least you had a few younger years without her. I think with a lot of ACONs, myself included, when people are kind to us it can make us uncomfortable or wonder if they have ulterior motives. The narcs really brainwashed us into having an aversion for kindness toward us, not only from others but from ourselves too. We get trained to treat ourselves like shit and allow others to do the same. I hate them for that. 

@q1605 I wonder if there is any way to convey the disparity of what we might have been if ACON's had truly been left to our own devices? I spend way too much time bemoaning what I might have become...Not just if I had been afforded the opportunities others take for granted, but also if I had not had my mother sabotaging every goddamn thing in my life. From Jobs to Wives to having a father. I mean you had both parents but they formed a symbiotic relationship designed to exclude you. Which is just as bad.......even worse. Especially since your sister chimed in with Sir Lloyd Fuck Tard. My mother just badgered my father and fucked his friends until he took the easy way out. THAT's the shit the Vince's will never see or understand. It's more than an inheritance or them shaming us from the moment we hit the ground until we self destruct. It's this multi prong attack that potentiates and magnifies the things in life that already lay in wait for normal people. I heard it put once that what they do to us is like declawing a cat and throwing it defenseless into a cat infested alley.

PURCHASE A COPY OF HOUSE OF MIRRORS EBOOK AND PAPERBACK HERE!

34 comments:

  1. Super interesting & heart-breaking exchange. The declawed cat is a good analogy, but you have to add shaved in weird places to attract attacks, repeatedly told he/she is a bad kitty, and maybe only three paws declawed, nonsensically leaving, say, the back left paw intact, for which kitty thinks he/she is grateful. Then releasing said kitty into the alley.

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  2. D.E.M., you've nailed how sadistic they are: leaving the back paw intact so we can be so goddamn grateful AND confused. They must love me because they didn't declaw ALL my paws. Truth is, seeing us scrape by through life makes them feel superior. It would take away all their fun, If they didn't get to see us experience a lifetime of suffering.

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  3. Yes: grateful and confused and so fucked up. That about sums up so much of how I felt. Another thing they do: blame you when someone else hurts you. "Well, you must have done something to provoke the attack!" They declaw you & then blame you when you're scratched to kingdom come. And there's always that weird kernel of truth that seems to be there.....like, if I didn't accidentally cut that guy off (I was so tired, I hadn't driven in a long time), then he wouldn't have come to my car and banged on it and called my a fucking stupid bitch a hundred times, while I sat there trembling and saying sorry..... And, when I told Nmother? "You shouldn't have cut him off. He had every right to call you a bitch." Trauma layered on trauma.

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    1. My post "Never Show Vulnerability to a Narcissist" is about this: How they stick up for others who have abused us, because in their minds it justifies their own bad behavior. Never let a narcissist know someone has done you wrong because it will fill them with glee to pour salt on your wound. ANY information in the narcissists hands will be used to hurt us. They absolutely hate it when we defend ourselves against any abuse, it actually makes them visibly angry. The narcissist's reaction to the victim's efforts at self preservation indicates how they view us: as objects to be used and abused by them and the entire world. So, don't ever expect a narcissist to be on your side, or protect you, or show the slightest bit of compassion. Our welfare is about as important to them as that paper cup you just crushed - it just doesn't register. They don't relate to us humanely, and they never will. Anything short of NC or Robot Mode puts you in danger with a narcissist.

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  4. Oh, you are so right. What I can't believe about my own fucking self is how many examples I needed to learn this! Like a zillion! I think I'll tell Nmother about traumatic car experience...maybe this time she'll be kind. Unbelievable. You're right that it's about them all the time (because they're n's, duh :)... EVERYTHING is an opportunity to look superior, to put you in your sad little place. EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

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  5. They seek out perceived weak spots and attack us there. You can test this on them. Make something up, tell them this or that happened, that you need help in this or that area of your life and sit back and watch. They will take the information to defame you, destroy you and watch you suffer. Seeing you suffer turns their crank... Making you suffer is an even bigger power high. They want to see us squirm. It's all about control, and their illusion of control over others makes them feel superior.


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  6. I've noticed with my Nmother that even the most neutral of topics can be twisted into an attack. That's been my latest revelation. It's a fucking art form, their narcissism.

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    1. Indeed. Or should I say, in ugly deed? My Nbrother asked me today if I had any plans for my upcoming birthday. (hoping of course that I would be all alone) I told him a friend of mine was going to be taking me to a certain restaurant (not to be named here) which is a very high end place in LA. He didn't say "Great" or any such normal comment. He said, "Hmmm. Isn't that kind of an OLDER place?
      Fortunately, thanks to this blog and many years in therapy, I know to chalk it up to malignant envy and don't let him into my head. Yes, they all studied at the same asshole academy.

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    2. I would never want my MN sister to know where I was dining. She would probably dream-up some elaborate scheme to have my food poisoned.

      Once I was visiting my dad on father's day and she sent him one of those edible arrangement things. I told a friend about it, and she said "Don't eat it! She probably poisoned it!" I told another friend about how MN sister gets her monkey to drop off food to my dad (like a container of flaxseed) and she said, "Don't let him touch that stuff!" A tupperware container of flaxseed could easily be tainted with poison. Anyway, that's how dangerous my N sibling is. She's also an obsessive cyberstalker, so I like to remind her that I'm on to her. Hi Colleen!

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    3. I never really thought about this until now but they ALWAYS come bearing some kind of poison, don't they -- emotional/psychological or God forbid, literal? Hi Colleen!

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    4. LOL! (Hi Colleen!) that made my day. And them ALWAYS bearing some kind of poison? In ugly deed. Thanks for pointing out that connection.

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  7. http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2014/06/among-acons.html

    I wrote a response to this one. I have talked about how they throw us out into a world as PREY. Yes any vulnerabilities are used for an attack. It is truly sickening. You all realize in the past people needed kinfolk to survive. What happens when the kinfolk are the enemy joined at the hip and worse then the hard cold world?

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  8. "Moms are supposed to be bitchy, crabby, and impatient." I laughed out loud at this part. I know just what you mean.

    My boyfriend's parents are buying him a house. His father found the listing, made the appointment, did most of the talking when we looked at it, and will be arranging for people to come and fix it up to get it ready to move in. It is a five minute drive from their house. I know people reading this are waiting for the horrible part but there isn't one. In two years none of the people in this family have set off any alarms in my head, and boy have I been watching. I have a blind spot for my own family, but I can see it in others. There are no strings, they just do it because they care and they can. I can't accept it for myself and hold them (the parents) at arms' length.

    My mother sulked and cried for three days after she met them. Maybe longer, but after that she went back home. I'm sure there were other reasons for it like the just general wanting me to feel guilty and bad, but with the sulk starting immediately after we left their house, I can't help but think they had something to do with it.

    She still got what she wanted though, it was almost a year ago and I have been miserable. The incredible stress from her visit literally made me sick. Then just when I was starting to feel better she suckerpunched me with a "gift", that was so perfectly considered that it took me two months to figure out why I was so depressed. I found this blog looking for no contact with narcissistic mother. I can't pretend to myself any more that there is a chance she doesn't know what she is doing, is a "wounded animal" just lashing out at whatever is around her. She is a malicious poisonous cunt and she wants me to burn. Oddly as soon as I realized that, I felt better. Because it means I can finally go full NC like I've always wanted (even when I still believed everything bad that ever happened was all my fault, I wanted this) and not have to feel the slightest bit guilty. I'll never have to see that smirk again.

    I've read back through almost the whole archive and a lot of the comments over the last few days. This blog is fantastic. I love that it isn't censored, at all. Thank you for writing so honestly.

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  9. Jennie, welcome. I'm glad you found your way here. Your mother's reaction to meeting your boyfriend's family makes me sick. She is pissed off because you have kind, decent people in your life and they show her up for everything she is, and is not. She is also mad as hell that you are not surrounded by abusers like her. She's a big baby who wants to crush your happiness so she throws a tantrum and makes it all about poor her. You better believe she wants to make you feel guilty for being happy. What a typical ass backwards narc reaction to her child's good fortune. She wanted to make you suffer for having the nerve to allow good things into your life, and you did suffer via her pity ploy, and just when she thinks she may be losing her grip on you, she "suckerpunches" you with a "gift" so you won't abandon her nasty ass. It's sheer abuse, sheer manipulation and it is entirely premeditated to keep you off balance. If you keep her in your life she will continue to drag you down. Sounds like you're ready to cut the ties that bind. Good!

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    1. Hi Lisette after months of researching and doing my homework, i always find myself back here- My Father is a Narc and out of the four children he created, i see only 1 that i can relate to as being Narc free..I was the "Runt" as they more than once labelled me, the whinger, Always too sensitive, taking things the wrong way..Always dwelling when shit should be left and forgot about- So that,s what i did, forgot when people shit on me from a great height and refused to dwell on it-Narks are drawn to me like a sponge to water, although i give them a run for their money lately..i seem to smell them a mile off, even in written messages, i can sense them...i don,t care if i,m maybe a tad paranoid, its better than the risk of giving any emotional vampire a single shot of supply...i aint no supply for anyone, the thought makes me vomit. Whilst i was coming to the realization that my 13 year relationship was with a Nark, i was hungry for information and your blog about being in robotic mode fascinated me..so i did something kinda crazy when i think back...i sent my ex Nark a message, i cant remember exactly what i wrote but it was not pleasant and just like magic he appeared at my door- and i tuned in to robotic mode- lol wow-the effect was mind blowing...I saw him for everything he was, had i ever seen that side of him before, i don,t recall if i did but it just clarified it for me..Chaotic does not even describe my whole life..I did try to comment on your Robot blog but it would not allow- I love your Blogs Lissette ,Thank You

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    2. Hi Times Ahealer, I understand feeling a tad paranoid about these predators, there's nothing wrong with that. We do what we need to do to protect ourselves. Though I can't help but think that for ACONs, being a "tad paranoid" is actually being present with our feelings and accepting those feelings for the first time in our lives. We were programmed to deny our perceptions, beliefs and feelings, so to be in touch with them and embrace them feels pretty foreign to us. I was programmed so severely that even if someone emotionally gutted me, and I experienced that sharp cutting knife feeling through my stomach, I would ignore it... and the tape would play "You're too sensitive!" Yup, the narcs left me wide open to abuse, they may as well have tatooed "Come and get me world!" on my forehead. I walked into the world with a perverted view of what was normal "human" behavior and trusted everyone EXCEPT myself. I ignored my instincts, doubted my perceptions and gave everyone else the benefit of the doubt. That cult-like programming has taken a lifetime to undo. I've always been very perceptive and attuned to my environment. As someone once said to me, "You see things others don't see, and people pulling a fast one hate people like you." This person pretty much described my family. I was outnumbered, three malignant narcs were bashing my brain into submission. Lucky for me, growing up in a dangerous environment where I had to think on my feet only strengthened my brain muscle, and as I get wiser they get crazier.

      I now trust myself, but I still struggle with catching these predators in action. That is to say, I sometimes have a delayed reaction to covert N abuse and I don't see what really happened in the exchange until I'm away from it and I ask myself why do I feel bad? Angry? Confused? Why did I experience anxiety around that person, and feel the need to defend myself? I recently had a meeting with an N predator who smiled while hurling covert darts at me. I look forward to the day when I can give these narcs a run for their money while it's happening. I don't expect to ever be immune to these predators - no one is, even experts on psychopathy get fooled, but morphing into robot mode at the sign of the first red flag is a good strategy.

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  10. Found your blog while looking for something to make me feel less guilty about NC with a severely Narc father. I understand the guilt is entirely the aftermath of a lifetime of brainwashing, but the anxiety is quite real, as are the sleepless nights and the absolute terror of being phoned by an elderly father on death's door, only because I'm conditioned to respond with supply.

    Your ability to articulate the actions of Narcs and the way the whole mind control "works" on an adult conditioned from childhood is absolutely spot on. I've spent years in therapy, which helped tremendously, but finding solidarity with you and others has given me the strength not to doubt my own rational mind and preserve my boundaries.

    I've also made a point to be closer to my sister (she was the golden child as a kid, I was when we became adults). I still feel a kind of survivor's guilt about the way my father succeeded in turning us on each other, on our mother, and others, just to minimize the abuse to ourselves. I came to the conclusion to go NC because I felt like any kind of contact with him make me an accessory to abuse by being an enabler.

    My father liked to ask questions, making me bear false witness, often to my own abuse:
    "Aren't I a good father?"
    "Didn't I give you anything you needed?"
    "Don't you think your depression comes from your mother's side of the family?"
    "Isn't it awful that your sister doesn't love me the way you do?"

    And I always hated that, and that awful feeling, of lying from the depths of my bones and not ever imagining having the freedom to do otherwise, but reading your blog reminds me of the far greater damage that it did to more than just me: to strengthened the resolve of an N to hurt others and escape any kind of consequence for his actions.

    And fuck that...no one, and I mean NO ONE deserves the kind of psychological and emotional abuse dealt out by malignant narcissists.

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    1. Zach, I agree the anxiety is quite real. I've experienced racing heart and trembling when I see an incoming call from a narc parent. How sick is that, that we fear our parents? From my experience, once the guilt fades away so does the anxiety about our interactions with them. In other words, we see them for who they are: the tiny little man behind the curtain. And they don't have any power over us, and can't scare, guilt or shame us anymore. Getting to this point takes time. It's one thing to intellectually understand this disorder, and it's quite another to KNOW in the depths of your bones the harsh reality of this disorder. Sounds like you get it and that's good!

      You makes an interesting point: "any kind of contact with him make me an accessory to abuse by being an enabler." I agree that any contact with a narc means we are feeding them in some way and keeping them strong which means they will be able to continue abusing. The idea is to starve the narcissist and render them powerless. The truth is, the narcissist has no inner strength or power, the seek "power" through external sources. Your dad is the tiny little man behind the curtain, and his children and whatever else are the buttons and levers that he manipulates to create fire, smoke, and booming thunder. Underneath the facade, your dad and every other narc is scared shitless. Sometimes knowing that can boost our confidence and inner strength, and WE do have inner strength... unlike the pathetic narcissist.

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  11. I am in so much trouble! I am financially dependent somewhat on my MN mother and doormat father right now, as a married woman in my forties, with 2 children. Years ago my husband was laid off from his job, when our daughter was a baby. My mother rode in and took charge of our bills, and paid off a lot of minor bills. This started a cycle of dependance on them that I am not proud of. Many times, if we came to their home and did some work for them, or cleaned, or whatever, she would say, your debt is paid now. But the debt was never really paid, she would always bring it up, saying my husband never appreciated it, no matter how grovelling I became, never enough. I should mention that my husband has many narcissistic qualities. I have been dealing with severe depression and low self esteem as long as I can remember. I had cancer 4 years ago while in post secondary education, and my parents came to help out. I was never allowed to grieve my diagnosis, or recover mentally, was badgered constantly by mother and husband to GET BACK TO WORK! and forget about it, move on, etc...while NM has never been able to let anyone forget anything bad in her life. I feel so worthless, and paralysed. I just changed my work position to a much less stressful one, but it will take some time to build up business. I am still relying on parents for financial help, I feel like we will never be able to take care of ourselves. Whenever I refuse help, she sends something for my kids, or if she is particularly nasty to me, will offer something that she knows my kids need. I don't know how to break out of this cycle. She is coming here this week for my daughter's grad, and I am dreading it. I don't know what to do. there are 4 siblings in my family, and we all have varying adult issues from growing up in a rage-filled, never knew when the next drama/crisis would occur. She always "encourages" me to lose weight, etc, but when I do, she tears me completely down. I have told her I will never be able to repay her financially, and she appears to accept it, then runs me down whenever I show some backbone. Please help me, I need some advice.

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    1. kagr, D.E.M. makes a good point in the comment below. If you can't get physical distance from this mess, you need to find psychological distance. Knowing how these narcs operate and not letting them into your head is key. Don't let them bully you, and try and detach from their head games. Also remember that the narcs intimidating behavior is all smoke and mirrors. Inside THEY are more terrified than you will ever be.

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    2. kagr, I thought you were living with your parents. I re-read your comment and see that you are not. Yes, you need to go NO CONTACT all the way. Your mother doesn't give a damn about the money, she only cares about controlling you with it. She's exploiting your conscience. Consider that money financial damages for the abuse she inflicted on you, embrace a sense of entitlement and walk away from her and the debt. You don't owe her anything. If she expects you to pay it back, she should have had you sign a contract. An actual contract would have been fair, then you would know the terms. Instead, what you have is this nasty, controlling, manipulative bitch controlling you with her "unwritten" terms.

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    3. Lisette, thanks for your response, it definitely feels like that, "unwritten" terms, that are changed at will. The latest guilt trips are her birthday coming up and a family event. I don't want to go to either, but I am being guilted by her mentioning other family that are attending.
      I may have mentioned on another post, I went off antidepressants last summer gradually over months, because they were NOT working at all, I was on them for years, but had daily suicidal thoughts. That has lessened a bit. I find that since discovering your blog, I am feeling a sense of anger at it all. I will work on embracing a sense of entitlement you mention.
      Thanks so much for your wisdom.

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  12. Hi kagr, I think you should see a doctor for some help, someone to talk to, maybe even anti-anxiety meds. Just till you can feel better. I also advise Robot Mode. Read Lisette's post on that over and over and over until it sinks in. Robot Mode allows you to step back from the drama and watch it. You know it's coming, so get out in front of it. Enjoy it, even :) You could even fuckwith your narc mom's head for fun. heheheh. Buy her a big bouquet, thank her for everything, etc etc and call her "Nana of the Smart Graduating Girl"--watch the response. She'll still attack you (you can't afford this bouquet, etc) but you can then say, "I can afford it for you, mom!" Have something with which to pick your teeth while you observe her.
    Try to enjoy the graduation.
    Imagine your mother as a toddler. She'll need snacks, some kind of toy to distract her, a kleenex for her runny fucking nose, etc.-- and you just heave a deep breath until she's in bed asleep with her teddy bear, after which you can finally have a glass of wine and put your feet up.

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  13. I don't think meds are ever a good answer. It was only when I stopped taking the meds that I came to the end of myself and woke up to my MN non-mom. As painful as that was it was all worth it. I'm still newly woken up and have the challenge of understanding it all. But I will not take any meds. You see, sadness is part of life. It has a job to do and for me it was in realizing the truth. I got to the end of that sadness and that truth was there.

    As far as financially dependent of parents, I don't believe they really have to. But I don't know what country they are in, maybe they can get welfare benefits, there is no shame in it. In Canada, we have it and food banks we can access. I don't mean to get biblical here, but it is better to have a little and have no strife than to have lots and with strife.

    What I'm saying is that the abuse is not worth it. Her mother is taking more than she is giving. And she has kids to think about. They shouldn't be exposed to a monster.

    Just my 2 cents, but if it were me, I would rather be living in a shelter with my family and struggle financially. There is no way that MN mother is giving without the intent of getting supply. And giving that supply is tearing down their souls.

    I didn't mean to talk over Kagr like she wasn't a person. Just trying to cover the part on meds mentioned by another. That was my original intent.

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    1. I agree with you wholeheartedly about NOT taking meds, especially benzos. They dull your senses, are addicting even at small doses and you will lose years of your life. Beware of therapists because they are actually drug pushers and will get you to take something and not tell you the side effects. They will give you a fake mental diagnosis when really you are suffering from PTSD. You need to be 100% present with a narcissist and taking meds will only cause you to slip up with them.

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    2. I definitely agree about the benzos. It's dangerous to be on them around narcissists. I lived it. The thing is, it's a catch-22. Being trapped with narcissists will flare-up anxiety, and being in fight or flight mode and losing sleep is just as bad as being numbed out. The key is to get away from narcissists. I think it's possible to use a benzo on an as needed basis to get through a rough patch, but they are highly addictive and daily use will put you in a haze, make you drop your guard and brush things off and that's exactly where the N predator wants you. Narcs would rather we be numb and dumbed down rather than hyper vigilant. All I know is that narcs are churning out victims at a rapid pace and keeping the mental health machine running strong.

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    3. Thanks Donna. It is my most humble opinion, but we don't need pills. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with ACON's. We were specifically targeted as a source of supply for a wacko since birth and there is nothing wrong with us.

      I have felt very little shock and panic since my awakening. And I think I've gotten a little sassy. Something new to me. lol. I'm exploring, it may or may not be natural for me but I'll grow into the real me soon.

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    4. I was an accidental low dose benzo addict for years and I can say this: look carefully at the source of your anxiety. In my case, I had to pop a pill to deal with my scary MN family. So now that I am finally NO CONTACT, I am also able to be benzo free (after a long taper).

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    5. Narcissistic abuse is trauma, and trauma damages the sympathetic nervous system and causes change in brain chemistry. While I'm not promoting meds for PTSD, I do believe our nervous systems are compromised and it takes time to restore them. This can be done without meds. I believe therapy dogs are a far more effective treatment than any pill. But PTSD symptoms are very real and they can be triggered at any time. It really depends on other extenuating circumstances in one's life. If going NC with a N mother is the only stress someone is experiencing than they should consider themselves lucky. Try dealing with that with serious financial stress, one month away from living on the street, major surgery looming, legal problems, barriers to employment, impending divorce etc. etc. Narcissistic abuse brings a hell of a lot of strife into a person's life, it's not as simple as, no contact, yippee it's over. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are battling serious health issues, poverty, marginalization etc. Joan, I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with us, but there was/is something wrong with our life circumstances and you don't survive a violent war unscathed.

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    6. Maybe I made this sound too simplistic. Although I'm benzo free and have no contact with narc family I experience rebound anxiety on top of original anxiety from lifelong trauma. Plus life in general. Plus narc family does not want to let go so easily. The healthier I become the angrier and more vindictive they get. I'm just grateful to have some CLARITY after so many years in a fog. Now the real work starts...

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    7. Oh yeah, that's true. I still am wondering when the next panic attack is going to happen. And I wonder if I'm still going to have a hard time holding down a job. Don't know what's next really.

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    8. Donna, I totally get what you are saying about benzos. I lived my own nightmare with them, and considered suing my doctor for malpractice. The story is too long and upsetting to get into. No surprise I was in a benzo haze when I made contact with MN sister after 17 years NC. If I had clarity I would have ditched her after the first email, but I just brushed off the abuse because of my numbed out state. MN sister LOVED me being on those things, and it pissed her off when I went off them because I no longer tolerated her bullshit. As soon as I made it through an excruciating withdrawal, she suggested I go back on them because I sounded "irritated." If I was a junkie who just got clean, she would have scored me some smack and handed me a needle. Even though she's cheap to the point of insanity, she would have gladly paid for the drugs. Yep, these narcs want us incapacitated.

      "The healthier I become the angrier and more vindictive they get."

      That says it all. They HATE us being strong and focused. They want us curled-up in fetal position and drooling in the corner. Their contempt for us runs so deep they think we're being disobedient by taking care of ourselves. They can go to hell, and drown in their own poison! I'm glad the narcs get angrier the healthier we get because eventually that anger will consume them and make them sick. They sure as hell can't unleash it on us if we are no contact. It's a win win!

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    9. Lisette, your blog is spot on. It strongly resonates with me. One reason I went no contact is exactly what you just said: "these narcs want us incapacitated." Well that ain't gonna happen here!

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  14. I do remember that feeling as a child when another mother would dote on me. I was always thinking that maybe she could adopt me. Even though my NM mother was always in my face and there weren't any boundaries, a part of me resented that. And I resented that resentment. I was always wanting another mommy. Ok, now I want to cry lol.

    Since my awakening, all this has been revealed to me. A year and a half ago I fell on the floor and broke my front teeth. When I went to the dentist to have them fixed, he asked me how it happened, and I couldn't recall. It was another moment when my mind would go blank. I fell simply because I blanked out, that is all. That was happening to me all the time when my mind would just blank out. Or just feel scared for no reason at all.

    Now I'm even remembering when I wanted another mommy.

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