Sunday 11 May 2014

The Malignant Narcissist As Character Assassin




If you have been targeted by a malignant narcissist for serious abuse, be aware that the abuse includes character assassination – the annihilation of who you are as a person. Just as through murder a careful criminal leaves no witnesses, a malignant narcissist is careful to abuse on the sly and destroy the victim’s credibility in advance in order to “leave no witnesses.” Character assassination is the premeditated murder of the target’s image, their good name, their reputation and ultimately their life.   

It takes extreme treachery to replace an authentic self with a false image of that person, and who is better skilled to do that than a sneaky malignant narcissist. Take a look at their lives; who they appear to be and who they really are. They don’t connect with reality. They live in a fictitious world of smoke and mirrors where appearances are all that matter. Narcissists only identify with their false image and they expect you to identify with the false image they invent of you. They NEED you to appear to the world the way they NEED you to be. It's your life according to the narcissist's script.

As Kathy Krajco wrote in her book “What Makes Narcissists Tick”:

Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own. They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, and extension of himself, an executioner of his will. Psychologists call this bizarre behavior “projective identification,” a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.

Okay… So there’s that. We are nothing but objects the malignant narcissist feels entitled to use abuse and exploit in any way they please. They use control tactics such as lies, slander, projection, triangulation etc. to create a false image of their target which is always about glorifying themselves and degrading the victim. BUT, they also have motive. They are very invested in the way the target behaves because they have something at stake: malignant narcissists are continually engaged in post abuse cover-up. The key word here is “behave.” Malignant narcissists don’t care what the target thinks or how they feel or who they really are. ALL people are just objects to the narcissist. The malignant narcissist only care what their target thinks and feels insofar as it affects their behavior. And they will do whatever it takes to pressure the target into behaving according to their script.

Like a physical rapist who attacks when there are no witnesses, the malignant narcissist carries-out violent psychological rape covertly. The target, being the victim of the crimes is an expert witness of the narcissist. The narcissist’s greatest fear is a credible witness - the target. So, just as a rapist may use intimidation, blackmail, gagging and threats to coerce the victim to silence; the narcissist abuser does the same. But when control tactics fail to silence the victim, the malignant narcissist goes in for the kill.  

Character assassination is the narcissist’s method of taking a hit out on the target. The idea is to stop the target from reporting the narcissist's crimes to the authorities. Stop the target from being taken seriously by the authorities. Stop the target from taking the stand and testifying. The target is the most credible character witness against the vile malignant narcissist and they know it, so they retaliate like angry vandals smashing-up the target's most precious possession – their character. Character assassination is punishment for unmasking the malignant narcissist and breaking the "no talk" rule. It’s about condemning the target to a life in prison for the crimes the narcissist commits. Character assassination is about scapegoating the target, so the target ends-up with the reputation and the life the malignant narcissist deserves. Character assassination is about DESTROYING the evidence; the credibility of their most damning witness - their main target(s).

I come from a family with 3 malignant narcissist abusers, so I know how they operate. I’ve been observing them in action since I slept in a crib. They ALL abuse on the sly. They ALL slander and discredit me behind my back. They ALL paint me as the “problem.” And they ALL play the victim. You better believe I’m a “problem” to the malignant narcissist mob. I have escaped solitary confinement of “no talk” prison and my mouth is running loose.  

If going no contact is akin to placing yourself in the witness protection program, then what I’ve experienced is like being framed for a crime I didn’t commit, going to prison, breaking out and being hunted with a target on my back. The malignant narcissists will stop at nothing to make their target (me) take the fall. Just as a criminal doesn’t want to do hard time, the malignant narcissist doesn’t want to face the hardcore reality of who they are. As a result, the fugitive of a MN cult is subjected to the same threat as any defector who escapes with a suitcase full of sensitive inside information that could bring down the regime. 

Character assassination, smear campaigns and vandalizing the target’s image are tactics used by the malignant narcissist to avoid public shame of the truth. The malignant narcissist is terrified of having their freedom taken away – their freedom to abuse and exploit others whenever the hell they want. They are complete frauds and are absolutely terrified of being exposed.

Why are they so scared? Because malignant narcissists rely on using, abusing and scapegoating others to feel superior. And feeling superior is the name of the game. If they were forced to acknowledge their debts and dependencies on others (even if their debts and dependencies are through maltreatment) they would no longer appear superior. The malignant narcissist would be completely humiliated if others knew their limitations – that in order to feel good and appear good, they must make others feel bad and look bad.  That’s a pretty pathetic existence. Not only that, they would likely be punished for exploiting others opportunistically. So, malignant narcissists cover their tracks, by becoming cunning and devious, concealing their true motives and actions as much as possible. This is where character assassination comes in. 

The ability to project an image is relied upon more than ever when the narcissist is close to being outwitted and exposed. At this stage, narcissists become completely deceptive and extremely treacherous in an attempt to sustain whatever dishonesty they are guilty of while not appearing to be dishonest.

If you have been on the receiving end of a malignant narcissist post-abuse cover-up/character assassination then you know this can create terrifyingly bizarre scenes that make you wonder if you are living a nightmare.  In fact, things can become so strange and surreal that if you were to try and explain what the narcissist just pulled-off, people would think you are tripping on psychedelic drugs. This is where I have to hand it to those crazy evil fucks; they create scenarios that are so inexplicable their victims are left tongue-tied. Malignant Narcissists will do whatever, and I mean whatever it takes to cover their tracks - including, inflicting MORE abuse on to the victim. In fact, the narcissist's post-abuse cover-up is always more destructive than the original crime. 

Who would believe a “sister” and “mother” would call the police and accuse their victim of doing to them the exact thing they are in the process of doing to her? Who would believe a sister would lie to police and state her innocent sister is schizophrenic and violent just to avoid the embarrassment of being outed a cyberstalker? Who would believe a sister would lie outrageously to authorities and destroy her innocent sister's reputation just to punish her for breaking the "NO TALK" rule of the MN asylum? Who would believe protesting the malignant narcissist’s viciousness, abuse and lies would drive the malignant narcissist cult to even more extreme acts of brutality to dis-empower and silence the victim? For example, the MN sister is given access by the MN father to clean-out her sister’s bank account so she has no money and is forced to endure severe financial stress that’s piled onto to the stress of her trying to obtain employment with a massive road block the malignant narcissist intentionally laid with her calculated slander; slander that was also spread to the victim’s neighbors that resulted in the victim’s home environment being unsafe which forced her to have to pack-up and move. That’s an example of how malignant narcissists use the weight of mounting pressure to try and break the victim’s back. It’s called intentional infliction of emotional distress and it's designed to kill, or, at the very least, render the victim neutralized and to mentally and physically weak to fight back. 

The severity of the malignant narcissist’s crime is of no significance to the MN. Whether they get CAUGHT lying to police or snooping through your sock drawer, the gaslighting and cruelties they inflict to try and silence the witness never match the crimes they are in the process of covering-up. In the malignant narcissist’s eyes, the victim is expendable. For example, the malignant narcissist mother doesn’t give a damn if she destroys her daughter’s life to the point where she ends up destitute and living on the streets, just as long as people never “believe” what the daughter says about her being a bad mother. See what I’m saying? Their maliciousness reaches delusional proportions as they become obsessed with protecting their false image and ruining the victim so they can remain superior... and triumph. It's very important for the malignant narcissist to WIN at all costs.    

Character assassination destroys careers, marriages, and relationships, isolating the victim “to the desert” of humankind. Except for the fortunate who have independent means, it’s usually a trip down Skid Row, with one ramification after another barring every way out and relentlessly crushing and hammering the victim into ---- guess what? Exactly what their assassin says they are. This is where rag pickers and bag ladies and suicides come from. The victim will ask why he bothered to be a good person when what a person is isn’t up to him --- when it’s up to whatever others choose to make of him. --- “What Makes Narcissists Tick”

The malignant narcissist degrades and humiliates others, trashes good names, maligns strong character and ruins reputations because there is a huge pay off for them - protection/cover-up/conspiracy of silence. They will stop at nothing to obstruct the whistleblower from outing their morally repugnant, debauched, and parasitic existence. 

Bottom Line:  If you cannot drop off the grid, go into the no contact witness protection program or lay low then the malignant narcissist better fear you, or you better have some kind of power. Because if you decide to fight back, clear your name and expose the narcissist cult you can expect to be under attack from all sides: finances, career/job, home, relationships, reputation, children etc. It’s unrelenting and it often ends in marginalization of the victim.

For those of you who aren’t convinced of the malignant narcissist’s wrath when it comes to loss of control over their false image and their victim, you might want to ask the question “How exactly did Kathy Krajco die?”

Kathy Krajco, ACON blogger and author of “What Makes Narcissists Tick” wrote under her real name, and she wrote extensively about her abusive malignant narcissist father and sister. Kathy’s mother died in 1992, and her father died in 2004. So by the time she was blogging about malignant narcissism both her parents had passed away.

According to Kathy’s blog, her sister Terese was gainfully employed as a teacher, but lived at home with her parents her entire life. From what I gather, she mooched off her parents while hoarding her own money and even ended up manipulating the MN father into disinheriting Kathy. Kathy was also a teacher and I suspect she was a target of a career smear campaign orchestrated by Terese. Throughout Kathy’s blog and book there are numerous accounts of Terese’s bullying and abuse. For example, Kathy had a heart condition and one day Terese, who lived across the street, hired a snow plow guy to block Kathy’s driveway with snow. This meant that Kathy would have to go out and shovel in order to get her car out of the driveway. It’s would appear that Terese wanted to induce a heart attack in Kathy. Only a malignant narcissist could dream-up a scheme like that.

Kathy died unexpectedly in her home on May 9, 2008. She was 56 years old. Her sister Terese was the one who discovered her body. After Kathy died, her blog started being mysteriously dismantled. The only way that could happen is if someone had access to it. I know from experience, that I can leave my blog sitting around dormant for months without it being tampered.

I remember when I read online that Kathy had died, I cried. It was a huge loss to the ACON blogging community. And for years it bothered me that this brave woman who championed for the victims of narcissistic abuse was taken from this world, while an evil malignant narcissist (her sister) lived on.
Anna V of Narcissists Suck blog ordered Kathy’s death certificate to find out the cause of death. There didn’t appear to be anything suspicious in the report. Apparently Kathy died of natural causes – her heart may have given out.

Despite this information, there has always been a part of me that was left speculating whether or not Kathy’s sister played a hand in her death. Perhaps it’s because I have a malignant narcissist sister who is capable of anything, and wants to obliterate me for breaking the “no talk” rule. I have witnessed how out of control a malignant narcissist can become when they lose even an inch of control over their target and their precious image.

A couple of months ago my curiosity got the better of me and I read Kathy’s online obituary and Googled her sister’s name. What I discovered is this: Terese Krajco retired from teaching in 2012, and died in her home 5 years to the day that her sister Kathy died. I find it significant that Terese Krajco died on the anniversary of Kathy’s death.

Unlike Kathy’s obit that stated she died “unexpectedly,” Terese Krajco’s obit simply said she died alone at home on May 9, 2013 at the age of 59.

Is the date of Terese Krajco’s death a coincidence or an indication of a disturbed personality carrying out a ritualistic act? Did Terese assassinate Kathy? Did repressed guilt and shame finally surface to the conscience of a malignant narcissist and prompt her to off herself? Or, was she just fresh out of narc supply and saw no reason to carry on? I don’t know, but I know this:

I know if I were to die “unexpectedly” and under "suspicious" circumstances, I would want my sister to be a person of interest and be thoroughly investigated. The bitch is totally capable of murder. Or at least, hiring a thug to do it for her. 

I’m living proof (no pun intended) that my malignant narcissist sister is capable of character assassination which is just as violent, if not crueler than a physical assassination.

44 comments:

  1. Awesome post, as always. Thank you for all you do.

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  2. If a malignant Narcissist spent as much time BEING virtuous as they spent trying to Appear virtuous think about what this world might be like.

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    1. I think getting away with being bad, while appearing to be good, feeds them like nothing else.. especially if their victim ends up with the reputation they should have.

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  3. I am so happy to have found this blog. Both of my parents are Narcissists, as are some of my siblings. Like all of you, the horrors I have lived through can't even be described to a person who does not understand NPD. As someone else said, most therapists are not able to recognize NPD. God bless all of us and let's continue to help each other.

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    1. Hi Jackie, welcome. I agree that what we have lived through cannot be described to a person who does not understand NPD. When I've gone looking for help, I've often been re-victimized. It's next to impossible to explain the nuances and intricacies to someone who has not experienced abuse by a personality disordered individual. What happens, more often than not is we get gaslighted all over again: "Now why would they do that?" "They were probably just concerned." It's like the whole damn world ends up gaslighting us. Plus, they are a lot of cloaked narcs out there in the so-called helping professions like doctors and lawyers. I've learned to be very careful about who I talk to about this stuff.

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  4. I believe that Kathy's sister may have had something to do with Kathy's death. These Narcissists are quite capable of it. I wouldn't put anything past these vile creatures, who reap death and destruction wherever they go. Also, I have heard so many people around me who confessed to me at some point in their lives they wanted to commit suicide. Upon a bit of prodding, it turns out a malignant narcissist was closely present in their lives.

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    1. Every time I read about a suicide I think the same thing: that a MN must have been closely present in their life. Sometimes the suicide note mentions the problem person(s). For example, Julia Robert's half sister Nancy Motes left a couple of pages in her suicide letter about Julia's bullying of her, fat shaming, and cutting her off from communicating with her mother who was sick and battling cancer. Tiffany Sedaris had strict instructions in her suicide note not to let her family near her body. She obviously hated them. And why did L Wren, Mick Jagger's girlfriend commit suicide? I read she had an estranged sister who wasn't allowed to attend her funeral. I'm convinced a bit of digging into suicides, especially children, will likely point back to a MN bully.

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  5. Also, regarding your previous post about Narcissists being bad people, I couldn't agree more Lisette about the people with misplaced sympathy, who need to be taught a lesson. I wholeheartedly wish these people would get a taste of their own medicine, and then let's see how they handle things and see if it's nothing. Amen Sister, this resonates with me 1000%!

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  6. Lissette, if something does happen to you, how will we know so that we can press for an investigation? Hopefully you have people offline who know to do this?

    Because of YOU I am now known as a pioneer of Autistic rights, have put Autistic retreats together, am part of a group that will positively impact Autistics economically, facillitating a group fo rAutistics with serious health issues, AND I am in the process of putting together a support group for ACON autistics who have been tortured by their malignant narc FOOS. In case you think that the pebbles you skip on the water are not making ripples that trigger great changes, they are.

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    1. I am very interested in your group Vicki Blum, please go to my profile on my blog and email me the details. I had a friend who is a therapist show me an article about how intense narcissistic wounding is related to autism. I wrote about how I believe for some autistics/Aspies the refrigerator mother theory holds. I hope Lissette has friends offline too to help. Mine know how I feel about my narc relatives. This blog too helped me a lot as well. I was reading it a year before I ever commented.

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    2. Thanks for your concern. I do have people in real life who understand the sick and twisted dynamics of my abusive family.

      Vicki, it's awesome what you have accomplished. Way to go! I'm glad that you and Peep may be able to connect.

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  7. I am horrified reading that about Kathy. I found her blog first years ago. It took me time to digest the stuff about narcissism but she doesn't realize the effect she has had on many many lives. When she died so young it was very tragic to me :'(

    I have realized with my narc mother image is everything and having me outside the roost, destroys "the perfect image". This must be the only thing to explain the constant hoovering I have experienced, otherwise it makes no sense. I can't stand her, the feeling is mutual so why am I being pursued still on every holiday? Everyone lives long distance, so leave me alone.

    Mine has already trashed me completely so what is left. I'm poor, just a line over bag lady status and she convinced the majority of the family I am a liar and that I am "crazy". I do believe many of these types will go to any lengths to "win" and that is scary.

    I don't want to move--have moved too much but wish mine didn't know where I lived. If you can move away and not leave a forwarding address that would be far preferable. Google "how to disappear" and read the advice domestic violence victims are given to go poof. If I even move to a new address of any sort, let's just say there's not going to be a forwarding address card sent out. Mine is afraid of exposure. I guess I better watch my back too! If she ever found my blog, I better be praying. LOL

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    1. I also think it's all about WINNING to the MN. Life is a game that they never stop playing, and it's always their rules, their terms. They need to control the entire world and everyone and everything in it.

      These narcs think they're so wonderful, but their children/family go to great lengths to drop off the grid to escape them. THAT'S how toxic and destructive they are. I don't want to move again either. It takes energy and money to uproot. And I've moved so many times because of trauma and being in "flight" mode. I'm not going to be driven to move again because of some abusive N. You can stay put and be NC. Just don't open the letters, change your phone number, email addresses, get a post office box. etc.

      I'm not trying to be an alarmist about blogging about the MN. But the truth is, the "truth" makes them fucking furious. What's more likely to happen if they discovered your blog is that they would just ramp-up the behind your back smear campaign. There's nothing they can do about our blogs and that must drive them bonkers. I like to envision the MN reading my blog and their head exploding with rage. LOL.

      Those victims of domestic violence have it really bad. I hear they must constantly be on the move.

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  8. That anniversary bit is very disconcerting. It's things like that, little coincidences, on which they thrive. My mom tried to kill two of our kids in front of my husband and me, and I realized a little over a year ago it was on the 7th anniversary of my dad's death. It had occurred to me months prior to check the calendar, and when I finally did, going back several years, I panicked. I begged my husband to work from home on that anniversary, as I had gone into understandable, albeit childish, panic attack mode. Although she hadn't seen the kids for Christmas, she was viciously insistent that we meet her on Sunday evening, (Jan. 4th) instead of Fri. or Sat., which would have worked so much better for us, with school and work the next day, and her schedule was far less busy than ours. But, these folks are more concerned with their own convenience. Given that she at one point denied my dad medical treatment (although it probably didn't make a huge difference), abandoned him for over three hours when she knew he was about to die (I did my best to comfort him and show him he was worth something) and ridiculed him when she returned right before he lost consciousness, she has expertly played the widow card. Any time coincidences pop up, chances are it deliberate and she's plotting something. While that date to me has been sad, I never associated it with her, because she felt no grief. It's not like she needed us there for support, and he wasn't mentioned once that night. I had recently finally disclosed what she had done to my dad to other family, and I think that played into it. For so many years I had bought into a separate set of standards for her, and was realizing it was wrong. And in the end, she gave my sister half dad's ashes, and kept the other half for herself, on top of her TV for years, ala Anna Nicole Smith. Lisette, I really believe you're on to something with your suspicions.

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    1. Katy, this is very interesting... and horrifying! I hope your children were unharmed, and have healed from any trauma the incident with your mother may have caused. I believe these MNs are very aware of dates and times when others may be vulnerable. As for your mother, maybe she "planned" to kill your children on the anniversary of your father's death because that would have maximum impact on you. January 4th would then be the date that 3 of your loved ones died... and your mother got hauled off to prison. Clearly, your mother didn't give a damn about your father and his death had no "normal" effect on her, but it did on you. It's almost like a tit for tat thing. She lost her narc supply on Jan.4th and she was hell-bent on taking yours away on Jan 4th too. Of course, your children aren't supply to you, but she doesn't see it that way. She sees them as mere objects and instruments of your harassment, the same way she saw your father - tools to control for her own amusement and aggrandizement. It's very sick and very sad.

      As for Kathy's sister dying on the anniversary of her death, I believe it was deliberate. Terese Krajco lost a major source of supply when Kathy died. Like your mother losing your dad, the date became significant. We all know MNs are totally delusional and have no healthy outlet for their rage, or repressed guilt and shame so suicide might be an out for some. Though in my experience, I have never seen any indication of suicidal tendencies in narcs. It's usually the victims who are driven to suicide.

      My guess is Terese Krajco committed suicide. She had no family left. No one to control, manipulate and abuse. She was newly retired so she lost what ever supply her job as a teacher provided (I bet she tormented students and ruined more than a few careers). She had no one left to abuse, so life wasn't worth living for her. What do you bet she trashed Kathy's name on the way out?

      Again, I'm speculating based on my own life experience with malignant narcissists.

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  9. I hadn't thought of it that way - her thinking she could take MY supply, but I bet that was part of it. My kids weren't hurt - my husband stood up to her and put a stop to the attempt - but still it took over another year for it to sink in, that attempt and others on my dad and sister (wherever plausible deniability presents itself). I was so conditioned to doubt myself, and anything I alleged I was told was a problem with my own perceptions. No child should ever need to be told that if grandma shows, get out of there. We did move away 700 miles without informing them, but we're not hiding. I worry about if she ever loses some aspects of control and compunction, while retaining others, what she could do. Poor Kathy Krajco, her sister had to upstage her again, couldn't have that date only for herself.

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    1. Wow! You make an amazing point. Kathy's sister wanted to upstage her! She pulled off a dramatic stunt - a "possible" suicide - on the date of Kathy's death so she could take attention away from Kathy on that day and make it all about her, the long suffering victim who took her own life.

      I'm glad you live far away but are not hiding. We need to take our power back from these psychos. But you are correct about them losing some aspects of control while maintaining others. That's where things get murky and they can find cover in plausible deniability. They have criminal minds and they set things up so any allegations against them will make the accuser appear paranoid. The only way to counter this is to have other witnesses. However, if they know you have witnesses, nothing stops them from trying to poison their minds. They are constantly doing damage control and they always do it under the guise of victim hood or false concern.

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  10. Fantastic post, as always Lisette.

    I have never researched Kathy Krajco's death, but after reading this post I'm intrigued. I've never really believed in coincidence and in my experience with narcs, have pretty much ALWAYS tossed aside "coincidences" as being just another one of the tricks in a narc's playbook. I find Kathy's death to be highly suspicious too, and I'm not surprised about the "coincidence" like her sister dying on the same day five years later. My first guess was that she committed suicide; perhaps to take the "spotlight" forever off of her sister. Her final act, you know?

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    1. Thanks, Jonsi!

      I totally agree there are no coincidences when it comes to MNs. That's the magical gaslighting portion of their act. Things are never as they "appear" to be. There's so much hidden agenda lurking beneath the surface of visible reality.

      I am totally down with the theory that Kathy's sister's final act was one last ditched attempt to take the "spotlight" forever off Kathy.

      One of the main themes running through Kathy's writing on NPD was the narcissist need for ALL the attention. I bet the attention Kathy received online, writing about her evil sister no less, drove her sister mad with envy. Kathy's online memorial was jam packed with people mourning her passing. The sister's online memorial doesn't have one signature. I guess her final act was a massive flop. The only "attention" she's getting now is about her being a bat-shit narc.

      Take a bow Terese.

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  11. I was very upset when I heard about Kathy's death. I always wondered if all the pain she endured in her Narc family was the cause of so much pain it caused her life to be cut short. It could drive any sane person to suicide, as a person can only endure so much without at least getting a case of PTSD. I downloaded Kathy's book right before the ability to do that was stopped, and I refer to it constantly. I use to read her blogs repeatedly, but I find more and more of them are gone. I, too, do not understand where they have gone to!

    My father was a narc and my mother committed suicide when I was sixteen. I then married a narc and now have a grown, middle aged narcissistic daughter. I went no contact for the first time for several months, but my four year old grandson makes it very difficult to stay away. I worry for his mental health and safety, as my daughter's constant drama and blame are already starting to change the sweetest little boy you could ever know. It is painful to watch, and painful to stay away. There is no easy way to deal with this situation.

    There is a lot written about narcissistic mothers, but very little about narcissistic daughters. I have found a few articles that have been helpful, but no where near the number that are written about mothers. My narc father role modeled everything my daughter needed to go on to make my life living hell. She is genetically programmed for it and has environmentally been exposed to it, though it wasn't taken out on her. It is hard to fathom what could evoke such evilness, I do believe there is a degree of mental illness or brain damage going on with narcissistic personality disorders. I also know there is a large degree of choice, unlike most serious mental illnesses. I am going through, once again, an attack by my daughter, and I have no idea when or if this will ever improve. It's just endless. I hope Kathy is in a better place now, and has the peace she so rightfully deserves. She has certainly helped me and continues to do so....

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    1. Janda, I agree that all the pain one endures being raised in a narc family does take it's toll and can cut a life short. But Kathy didn't commit suicide. We suspect her sister might have on the date that Kathy died.

      I have a narcissistic sister and she's also a narcissistic daughter, so there is a lot written on narcissistic daughters. My point of view is obviously different than a mother's, but it's still about a narcissist who is also a daughter. You might want to Google narcissistic siblings for information on how they operate in the family constellation. And keep in mind, blogs about narcissist mothers usually include a narcissist sibling.

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  12. While I was reading your blog I kept thinking about how frustrating the no contact part was. You see, initially I could not stand the thought of No Contact, because, despite all that they do, I was STILL trying to get them to love me and to tell the truth about all their evil character assasinations. It was HARD. I think it was at my grand daughters fifth birthday party that I nran into my mother. She said something totally benign,[small talk] and I don't know if I would have answered,but I COULD not answer. It was not selective mutism [a common Autistic thing] but I was afraid, not of her, but that if I opened my mouth I would throw up. No Contact is pretty much no problem, except for one thing. I want revenge and it has been driving me crazy that I can't get it. I was so obsessed with my anger that I was a little late taking my meds. So, I put together my meds [all 17 of them] and started laughing. I realized that I am driving them crazy every day. i have not only passed average life expectancy, but I am in remission! Oh yeah, I get revenge every day just by being alive.That feels so great that I think I'll go mix up one of my green plant health smoothies to celebrate.[ and maybe just a little chocolate afterwards] Cheers!

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  13. Yes, we can get revenge just by being alive. They really do want us dead, if not physically at least psychologically. Narcissists utterly despise the strong and the principled. And those who can see through their mask of deceit will be blackened at every turn. They will do whatever it takes to make us doubt our own perceptions, and distort others' perceptions of us. We wind up being gaslighted by the whole world. Who can withstand that kind of mental abuse? So we do what we need to do to get through the day, week, month, decade. Often this can include self-destructive behavior, or the bandaid effect prescribed by doctors to sedate us and numb us out. No one wants to deal with the real problem - the abusive narcissist. It now becomes an issue of the target being the one with the "problem." This is exactly where the narcissists want us - being labelled the "identified patient" and appearing to have/be a problem. As far as revenge goes, some good revenge is NOT to give them what they want. Behave the exact opposite of the way they NEED us to behave. Be clear, be focused, and be alert to the way they operate. If possible go after them by legal means if they have harmed you. Otherwise, just leave them to their own devices. They love seeing the downfall of others, and they love others to take the fall for them... Don't fall. Stay strong and soldier on - they hate that!

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  14. Yay! Comments are open! I'm very lucky not to be an ACON, but I support your cause. My dad has a combination of sub-clinical narcissism and sub-clinical aspergers (I call it narcissbergers) so there's an innocence to his narcissistic behaviour. In short, my siblings and I have not suffered even 0.1% of what you children of malignant narcissists suffered and in many/most cases continue to suffer. Not that our childhoods were not highly dysfunctional, but this fact only underscores all the more just how horrific your childhoods were. Anyway, I want to share with you something I wrote about gas lighting, inspired by my experience of possibly malignant narcissists in my adult non-family life.

    Damn it, the form won't accept over 4096 characters... hang on...

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  15. Borderline-Narcissist Conundrum

    One strategy for dealing with borderline behaviour is as follows. When a person with borderline personality disorder (BP) is acting negatively towards any other person (non-BP), the non-BP may handle the situation by first validating the BP's feelings, and then asserting their own reality statement. When the BP's perception is incongruent with reality, the feelings can be validated in a conditional way, as in "were that happening to me, I would feel exactly the same way". This is supposed to calm the BP down and make them more receptive to hearing the reality statement, which is the non-BP's truthful and accurate perception.

    (Before continuing, here is a lengthy but necessary clarification of terminology. A BP is defined as a person manifesting borderline disordered behaviours, regardless of whether they are diagnosed with or even have the disorder at all. A non-BP is any person who is affected by that person's borderline disordered behaviour, regardless of whether they are free of disorders themselves. Similarly, below, an NP is a person manifesting nasty narcissist or sociopathic behaviours, regardless of whether they are diagnosed with or even have any relevant disorders. A non-NP is a person who is affected by that person's disordered behaviours, again regardless of whether they are free of disorders themselves. Of particular note, it is possible for a non-BP or a non-NP in a given situation to actually have borderline or narcissist personality disorder themselves.)

    So, to continue, the non-BP can deal with the BP's behaviour by first validating the BP's feelings, and then asserting their own reality statement.

    But what happens if a narcissist (NP) employs the same tactics on a non-NP? When the non-NP finally speaks up about the NP's nasty behaviour, the NP could similarly try to handle it by validating in a conditional way, and then asserting their reality statement. Note that the denial of wrongdoing is implied during the conditional validation, and may optionally be made explicit in the reality statement. This is actually a sophisticated form of gas-lighting, and probably only feasible for high functioning sociopathic narcissists, since low functioning aspergers-like narcissists would probably not be able to comprehend the empathic logic of it, let alone carry it off convincingly.

    So what's the difference between the first and second scenarios? How can you tell whether someone is being a non-borderline or a narcissist? How can you tell whether someone is being a borderline or a non-narcissist?

    Conditional validation is problematic. To be told that it's alright to be upset about a situation, with the implication that the situation is all in your head, when you know the situation was real, would be frustrating at best, and confusing at worst. The latter would mean the gas-lighting is working. Why, then, is it alright to do this to a borderline? (Note: a "borderline" here is someone who either has or is perceived or suspected to have borderline personality disorder).

    (to be continued)

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  16. (continued)

    It's actually not alright to do that to the borderline. It's just as wrong to gaslight a borderline as to gas-light anyone else. But the situation between the BP and non-BP is not the same as the gas-lighting between an NP and a non-NP. In the latter case, objective reality as perceivable by outside observers is being denied by the narcissist who is pretending to be the non-BP. In the former case, what the BP perceives to be reality is actually grounded in their feelings. If the non-BP addresses and validates those feelings, then the perceived reality can be dissipated from the BP's head, and it is kind to do this.

    When an NP puts on a show of validating presumed feelings while denying reality, the non-NP is not going to feel validated. They may feel patronised and insulted, rightly so, and walk away. If the non-NP happens to be a borderline who has gotten reality right this time, the outcome is not likely to be good for the victim of gas-lighting. They may be easily swayed to the narcissist's false version of reality, because validation is what borderline personality disordered individuals crave, even incorrect validation. They may hold onto their reality, but find no support from others due to discrimination based on their known or presumed mental illness. They may survive by doing to others what was done to them, thus exacerbating their mental illness.

    Validating feelings which are not the cause of the perceived reality - when in fact objective reality is the cause of the perceived reality - is not kind. It is cruel, and likely to be extra damaging if the non-NP happens to have and especially be recovering from borderline personality disorder.

    So how can you tell the difference between a genuine non-BP comforting a BP and an NP gas-lighting a non-NP? On the surface, the two scenarios may appear identical. The borderline may have gotten it right this time, hence actually be the non-NP rather than the BP. The non-BP may actually be a narcissist who has succeeded in fooling everyone. The only way to tell the difference is to investigate the objective reality, by checking the existing facts as much as possible, and being observant of future situations.

    So there is no conundrum. It is right and kind for a non-BP to first validate the borderline's feelings, then assert their own reality statement. It is wrong and cruel for a narcissist to appear to validate the other's feelings while actually gas-lighting them. It is also wrong and damaging for a supposed non-BP to act as the NP's proxy by asserting the NP's reality statement as if it were directly their own. It is of utmost importance for people to astutely observe the facts, in order to avoid further marginalising targets of narcissistic abuse.

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    1. Heidi ......My first wife had to be at least borderline. I fought her with my hat. I grabbed it and ran.

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    2. Yeah, fuck the "validation" and "reality statement".... Run like hell!

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    3. But the malignant narcissist often tries to paint the scapegoat as the much stigmatised borderline, am I right? When I first read the egg shells book, I was really impressed with the compassion it showed for both the borderline and the other person in (various kinds of) relationships. I particularly liked the strategy of validating their feelings followed by asserting your reality statement. But eventually it dawned on me, as someone who often gets mistaken for borderline (I'm an aspie), that this strategy could be used in an insidiously nefarious way... if the nasty narcs I've encountered weren't so busy just being straight-out assholes, they could well have used it on me... not that they'd have gotten far anyway, because being autistic and not too damaged, I've got a pretty solid sense of who I am, and a very good memory, so I'm pretty much immune to gaslighting.

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  17. This is just brief, to begin with... 1) My sister & her sociopathic husband have their own small law firm (ie: both are solicitors, & she is unable to cope/function working in 'the real world' as a lawyer) Long story, but they have misappropriated an inheritance I received when 21, & which I 'gave' (lent) to my mother, as was extremely trusting & altruistic at time. 2) My partner has died & they know how relatively powerless (& lacking $$ resources) I am (plus affected by severe debilitating depression) 3) Sister had actually made contact with various bodies/organisations (ie: my local major Hospital) AND told them that my poor unfortunate deceased father was 'Schizophrenic' !!! (This is a complete fabrication- of her making) Ergo- my credibility, etc currently seriously undermined as she's said I'm also 'schizophrenic'. 4)This latest ploy all started whilst I was living/staying with my mother when the poor woman was in terminal stage heart failure. She was intimidated into appointing them executor/s - immediately upon her dying, this malign sibling started to scream at me "schizophrenic &/or junkie" whenever I attempted to communicate re my mother's (VERY modest) Will... Was grief-stricken & shell shocked, & my late partner was my only family. Things are now so insidiously bad, as even my crummy house is now unlivable - as they once had Power of Attorney when I went overseas for a year, & they took out mortgage against house (but paid back) BUT they actually allowed changes to house to be made (major renovations by neighbour- without my knowledge/permission- who removed, & did NOT replace side roof) !! My house is now severely water-damaged & sodden & mouldy, damp, back door fallen away & flooring collapsed. And freezing. (My $$ was first used, way back, to bail out sister's husband failed law business & related lease trap) NOW, as her husband is wealthy solicitor, I am facing a genuine terrifying nightmare-prospect, in a very real sense. (These people expected me to suicide- as certain thoughtless comments revealed- at the time my mother died) I am also aware of so many unrelated illegal things they've done, as well - but I need super tenacity & ruthlessness to prevail, and now just to survive..!!! Finis.

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    1. What did they have power of Attorney over, and why did? Did your mother own the house that you now live in?

      What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Are you wanting a piece of the "VERY modest" estate and to get back the money/your inheritance you lent to your mother AND get the money back that was used to bail out their business? What's at stake here? Not sure I follow. What do they want? What do you want? What's their motive for painting your late father and you as schizophrenic? You already received the inheritance from him.

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  18. No, my parents separated when I was 9 or 10... My mother had nothing, & father had very little ultimately, due to his WWII related 'depressive neurosis' - PTSD. Sister & myself were both to inherit largish sum when 21, from father's distant uncle/relative. It paid for my schooling, dental, etc but it was always destined to go to help Mum. (Problematic, as I represented Dad by proxy, in her eyes) She allowed my malignant narcissist sister's partner to supplant me, & having no other adult to represent my interests, I was effectively excluded from making important decisions re many appalling things that were done so unscrupulously. (It truly would beggar all belief - & only when Mum was dying, did she reveal true extent/nature of sister's misappropriation!) Mum persuaded my naive & trusting idiot younger self to "sign" Power of Attorney to brother-in-law (solicitor), simply as I had a very old (& "to be renovated someday") house- unnecessary mortgage of course- by this point; I was just staying with a friend in Italy. That's how the travesty of allowing house to be damaged during my absence all began. I didn't even receive any legal papers/record of this. Every time I enquired re issue (since Mum's death, etc) sister screamed abuse at me, just as she did with my mother's Will. They disregarded the Will almost completely (cos were Executors!) I found out accidently- through FOI- that they were already putting my name down with mental institution, as were abusing this damn ancient Power of Attorney. (They had already destroyed Dad's Will- had key to his flat- while poor man was in hospice; declaring he died intestate.. saying my closest parent/Dad had torn it up. That left me stupified, as it was an appallingly hurtful thing to say/imply. The poor man was desparate that nothing untoward should happen) Anyway, the two have always felt entitled to exploit whatever they could- in so many, many instances, & now they rationalise the indefensible all the more, since wealth & Status/Image (& that of their chidren's- whose adoption from Chile was just one of many things I "subsidised") are all that matter. They bled my mother dry in every sense of the word, ergo her incredibly distressing final years. (Her late 'boyfriend' provided her with flat to live in, but not to own or benefit from financially) It's all so mind-bogglingly complex. It reads more like a ficticious Horror story, & beggars all belief. PS: The abuse & violence I was subjected to growing up is just another factor- courtesy of sister.

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    1. What a mess. But it's no surprise that things are so mind-bogglingly complex. That's what happens when you're dealing with a scumbag MN sibling and her scumbag sociopath husband AND both your parents are deceased.

      My first thought is, if the POA is still valid, take the necessary steps to have it annulled. Second, if possible, get proof they are stating you are Schizophrenic. Three, avoid them like the plague. Maybe even get a restraining order on them. Get legal aid, threaten to sue them for slander/defamation/abuse of the POA and file a complaint with the Law Society re: their conduct. If they are both solicitors and they are violating a legal agreement and/or engaged in any other questionable activities they could lose their license to practice. One strong worded letter communicated through a solicitor may scare them... or not. If you want money from them also state that and threaten them with a lawsuit for slander etc. Who knows, they may settle if they are afraid of being sued. If they have Power of Attorney over you they have entered a fiduciary relationship with you. That means they have a legal obligation to be loyal to you and act for your benefit. They clearly are doing the opposite. My guess is they have tons of enemies within their profession. If you haven't done so already, talk to a lawyer. And find one that hates them. The POA that they are abusing could be how they hang themselves.

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  19. I truly, deeply and desperately LOVE this blog.

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  20. I am SO FRICKEN GLAD I found this. I needed to see this today. You have no idea (actually I think you do) how happy I am that I stumbled upon your blog. I'd love to bend your ear, about EVERYTHING!

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    1. It's great to get positive feedback, thank you. I'm glad you're here and welcome!

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  21. You're right about suicide, about ACONS internalizing the degradation to the point of such self violence. I know someone who married the golden child of a narcissist mother; two months after the wedding, the scapegoat brother shot himself with a rifle and left a message about how sorry he was to have been such a bother to everyone. I didn't have the language back then for what was happening, but it was also clear!

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    1. That's really awful... very sad indeed.

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  22. Oh, and the fight against suicidal thoughts that I have had! The satisfaction they get out of feeling superior is so profound. It is asserted in any way possible, from grammatical correctness to parallel parking to being such a great aunt to nieces who appreciate you when your shitty daughters don't! It's so fucking sad --I mean it would be sad if it weren't so destructive, because superiority can only be understood in relation to another's inferiority. Ugh. Oh, and you're also right about how often they become therapists themselves. It's the perfect PERFECT scenario in which to appear superior, knowledgable, helpful in relation to someone exposing his or her vulnerability and confusion. It's about the "therapist's" supply!!!! and they figure out how to get supply and be paid for it.

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    1. Yes, the satisfaction they get out of feeling superior is so profound. People without MN experience will never understand that. It's so profound they will do whatever it takes to grind someone down to the ground and drive them to utter despair. Narcissists will never shed a tear for a suicide victim, they will only experience smug satisfaction (Yay, I win!) along with contempt for the victim for succumbing to the abuse.

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  23. Thanks for writing back! I've missed you :) Wanted to say I thoroughly enjoyed your take-down of that therapist dude who had "the privilege of looking at N academically" or whateverthefuck he said.... "I wish you peace." heheh. Anyway, thank you again for nailing the superiority issue beautifully. I am sitting here recalling one incident after another, as well as my training to play the role of the inferior in every way.

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  24. D.E.M., I'm glad to see you're back posting! Oooh that therapist dude is a piece of work. Who the hell comes to a blog filled with stories and comments about horrific levels of abuse and smugly states: I have the privilege of looking at N academically. Talk about callousness! Talk about smug superiority! What a huge red flag that one statement alone is.

    Training to play the role of inferior is so true. My training included behavior modification techniques such as grave punishment if I shined in any way or If I had the nerve to draw any positive attention toward myself. As a result, I played everything down to the point of disappearing.

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  25. Playing everything down all the time: so true. I always perceived myself as somehow threatening so I then went around trying to be non-threatening and making sure I was lovable, etc. etc. CRINGE. Thanks for this blog. It brings such clarity and strength to all of us out here.
    P.S. I wish you peace. (heheh)

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