A Birthday Gift From A Malignant Narcissist Mother

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        Breaking Free: A Way Out for Adult Children of Narcissists

 
                               

The Aftershock Of Narcissistic Abuse

“If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist.  Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart.

Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask."   ----- Joanna Ashmun   How To Recognize A Narcissist

I would not be writing this blog if my NFOO were the only narcissists to infect my life.  Wouldn’t that be nice? To be done with these pernicious creatures at the age of 18; clean-up the aftermath of their abuse and move forward with my life, narc free.  No such luck!  My narcissist family of origin was pretty much obliterated by the time I was 18, which means I have been out of that sick and twisted system longer than I was in it.  But did I walk out of a world dominated by narcissists into a kinder, gentler one free of narcissists? Hell NO.

Transitioning from a NFOO into adulthood was like surviving a devastating car crash, and wandering away from the scene of the accident in severe shock and with a bad head injury. I entered adulthood traumatized, and I didn’t even know it.  Trauma is not a good foundation in which to build a life. Trauma is not the basis of practical choices and wise decisions. I entered into adulthood with my navigation and response systems compromised, and all my safety mechanisms corrupted. In short: I was brainwashed, with no boundaries and set to fight or flight mode. I had the narcissists to thank for erasing everything in me that would keep me safe in a dangerous world. I was groomed by wolves to be attractive to wolves.

Growing up in a “family” dominated by narcissists is akin to being raised in a cult. I wrote about this in the post Narcissistic Abuse is Soul Murder where I compared it to being imprisoned in a police state a la Big Brother. There is absolute control, invasion of privacy, brainwashing, punishment for original thought, isolation, silencing, secretiveness, group think, fraud and dictatorship to name a few.

Being raised in a NFOO is also like being combat soldiers on the front lines of war:  facing the enemy without back-up, running as bullets fly and ducking for cover as grenades are tossed, and always living in a state of fear and apprehension as we nervously wait for the next bomb to drop. We could never relax.  We were never safe from harm. We were hostages fighting to survive in a war that we didn’t sign-up for. Yup, we ACONs were thrust out into the world brainwashed combat vets and POW survivors with post-war trauma. But no one would know this just by looking at us. Except of course, the enemy… other narcissists.

This most insidious aspect of narcissistic abuse is this: we were groomed by predators FOR predators.  It’s like the trafficking of human souls.  Are all these evil fucks in it together? Is the cult of narcissistic abuse a form of organized crime?  All I can say is; the narcs that trained me have blood on their hands. I was their human sacrifice to the world of predators and they are in collusion with every evil, sick fuck that ever harmed me. My narcissist parents shoved me out into the world with a map directing me toward a life of traumatic events and abusive relationships.  

Having personal boundaries repeatedly trampled by N parents and siblings to the point where the lines of me and others no longer exists, is utterly selfish and cruel.  The narcissist parent TRAINS the child to ignore the warning signs of danger so THEY can gain access and violate us without any interference.  When you make boundary trespassing “normal” you just set the child up to be exploited. Because isn’t that what boundaries are: an early warning detection system to keep out intruders? Yup. Those N parents are as merciless as they come. In addition to the abuse at THEIR hands, the N parent primes the child to be abused by the rest of the world and sets them up for a life of hazardous relationships. And because life among the NFOO is so dangerous, we essentially enter the world alone, as orphans with no support system. We are first rate narc bait without a safety line. We ACONs are simply irresistible to predators. Yum, yum.  Let the feeding frenzy begin.

A few years after I had fled to the opposite end of the country to a city where I didn’t know anyone, and with only $200 bucks in my pocket, I had a long distance chat with malignant narc mother.  I told MNM about a couple of shitty experiences I had starting out in the big city, but there were tons. She became incredibly hostile and snapped, “Why do these things always happen to YOU?!” I remember saying, “I don’t know. Bad luck? It’s not my fault. Why can’t you give me the benefit of the doubt?” She screamed back at me, “I would NEVER give YOU the benefit of the doubt!” It wasn’t long after that, that I went no contact for good. I have not seen or spoke to the vicious, psycho, malignant monster in 22 years. Looking back at that conversation I think of things like, “Yeah ‘mom’ why do these things always happen to ME?” I was fucking set-up by YOU and the other narcs! That’s why! Interestingly enough, malignant narcissist sister has never been exploited and abused as an adult. Want to know why? Because she was trained to be a PREDATOR. 

And as far MN mother callously lacking any and all concern for my wellbeing - what the hell should I expect? She’s a malignant narcissist. Malignant narcissists train you to bend-over for abuse, and then despise you for taking it. It truly is a Catch – 22. 

Even before I discovered malignant narcissism and was FINALLY able to slap a label on the “family” freak show, I was fully aware of N parent’s extreme limitations.  Friends that I made in the big city I fled to were always perplexed by my background. They would ask me, “Do your parents know where you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Do they wonder where you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Don’t they care how you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Why?! Why?! Why?!” My stock response was, “They’re not capable of caring.”  Funnily enough, I even had an N friend say to me, “In all the time I have known you, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why your parents hate you.” I replied, “Maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s them.” And incidentally, I never told anyone my parents hate me. I guess they just equated their indifference with hate, which is not a stretch as indifference is the opposite of love.

So, as you can see; I was no fool. I was onto something. I went NO CONTACT for good with MN mother and MN sister in my early 20’s. I knew at a fairly young age that my NFOO was dangerous and that I was better off without them. But despite my survival instincts, I still got involved with narcissists because of my special prior training.

Being raised in a home dominated by narcissists is not just a case of my family sucks so I’m outta here, and that’s the end of the insanity.  On no. Not a chance. I really wish it was that simple. For me, it was a case of my family sucks and no matter how far I run they continue to suck and suck and suck and suck. Narcissistic abuse is like a gigantic leech that latches on and continues to feed.  No matter where you go, no matter what you do, the narcissist’s voice lives inside of you (that should be a dysfunctional family greeting card). 

Remember all those cults that sprung-up in the 1970’s, and how those poncho wearing, pot-smoking, and sometimes just naive teenage hippies had to be “rescued” by their parents? But the parents didn’t do the actual rescuing.  The parents had to hire people that were specially trained at removing/kidnapping people from cults and de-programming them. I remember seeing documentaries on the subject. The “deprogrammers” would snatch the kid, shove them in a van, and then take them to a hotel room where there were no outside influences – NONE - and the deprogramming would commence.

And therein lies the reason why the adult children of narcissists are not free from abuse simply because they have escaped their family of origin - outside influences; other narcissists. How can you deprogram if members of the same cult keep slithering into your life?  You can’t!  It is IMPOSSIBLE to mitigate the effects of narcissistic abuse if your life continues to be infiltrated by narcissists.

I may have encountered “lesser narcissists” after my NFOO, but they were narcissists just the same. And even if some of these “relationships” were only short lived, there was still damage.  It seemed I was always cleaning-up after these fuckers.  And when I finally got rid of one infestation, there would be another. I swear these narcs are like cockroaches: you can’t leave any tasty crumbs around for them to snack on. NOT A CRUMB. 

The aftershock of narcissistic abuse has been more devastating to me than the original abuse. The "big one" hit in my NFOO, I survived it and walked away. What I didn’t count on was the ripple effect: numerous smaller quakes repeatedly hitting me in the same spot at unpredictable and random intervals. Narcissists on the outside strike like terrorists. At least in a N home, there is some predictability, and if your parent isn't a stalker, there is the possibility of a clean exit strategy.  But when N abuse becomes a part of your adult life - when you can't stop trying to get blood out of a stone - there seems to be no escape. It's never ending. You say to yourself "I guess most people are just like that." Or, "maybe something is wrong with me?" As Anna V said, the only thing wrong with us ACONs is that we tolerate narcissists. So please NEVER confuse being shell-shocked and brainwashed with a busted compass and non-existent security and support system as being damaged or defective. Only narcissists want you to believe that, and it is only narcissists that are truly deserving of the description: damaged, disordered and defective. It is the mutant narcissist who is lacking in everything that makes us human.    

So we ACONs are shell-shocked soldiers walking right into another battle. A battle that never ends until we figure-out the enemy. They say knowing your enemy is half the battle. This is true, especially when you discover it's not you, it's THEM - The Narcissists!  And the only way to win the battle is to closely study your enemy and know your own weakness; the ones that your N parents cultivated in you during narc abuse training camp.  Only when you truly understand the enemy and know yourself will you be properly protected.  That's what this blog is about.

So as I wrap up this post, I notice a fellow soldier has found their way here by asking the Google oracle: what does it truly mean to be narcissist free? 

To me, it means the war is my mind is finally over. It’s the end of battling the narcissist’s influence on my thoughts, feelings and behavior.  I'm happy to report that part of the war is over for me. DONE. Narcissists no longer have any influence on me. Well… except for pissing me off. And I am well aware that narcissists will always exist, they are out there and they are numerous, and there's a part of me that humbly accepts that I will always be vulnerable. The only thing I can do, that any of us can do, is know the enemy and know thyself. 

And while you're at it, throw loads of love at yourself and NEVER love anyone that can't love you back.            

                                  

The Unbearable Burden of Soul Murder - 1

“What happened to you all?” asked Coraline. “How did you come here?”

“She left us here,” said one of the voices. “She stole our hearts, and she stole our souls, and she took our lives away, and she left us here, and forgot about us in the dark.”

“Flee!” said the very first of the voices – another girl.

“Flee, while there’s still air in your lungs and blood in your veins and warmth in your heart. Flee while you still have your mind and your soul.”

“She kept us, and she fed on us, until now we’ve nothing left of ourselves, only snakeskins and spider husks.”

“She will take your life and all you are and all you care’st for, and she will leave you with nothing but mist and fog. She’ll take your joy. And one day you’ll awake and your heart and soul will have gone. A husk you’ll be, a wisp you’ll be, and a thing no more than a dream on waking, or a memory of something forgotten.”

“Hollow,” whispered the third voice. “Hollow, hollow, hollow, hollow.”

“You must flee,” sighed a voice faintly.

It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold. In the other mother’s button eyes, Coraline knew she was a possession, nothing more. A tolerated pet, whose behaviour was no longer amusing.

“She hates you,” blurted out the boy. “She hasn’t lost anything for so long.”

“Be wise. Be brave. Be tricky.”

From the novel “Coraline” by Neil Gaiman

In fairy tales and children’s books the sinister, soul-murdering mother is never represented as the abused child’s biological mother. That would be considered taboo, and much too frightening for children. Instead, she is portrayed as a step-mother, an aunt, or, in the case of Coraline, an evil replica of her real mother known as “The Other Mother” who exists in the twisted unreality of a warped “other” dimension.

Unfortunately for us ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists) our evil mothers, and or fathers were all too real. Blood real. Malignant Narcissist Personality Disorder Real! And we grew-up imprisoned in their twisted realm without a chance to flee.  Indeed, it was like living in a warped “other” dimension. A dimension akin to a perverse and dangerous underworld where deviant behavior is the norm, the wicked preys and feeds on the good, and hate, lies and delusions reign supreme.

To the narcissist parent(s) nothing exists outside him or herself. They inhabit their own imaginary world where those near and dear are nothing but extensions, internal, assimilated objects – not external ones. We only exist as “parts” in the narcissists' demented mind. Welcome to bizarro world: a cruel and unusual place where living, breathing souls are dehumanized and objectified to a mere thought, a role, a function of the narcissists' stranger than fiction Universe.  A hellish Universe where normal human feelings are illegal, independent thought is considered a crime, and love is replaced by pathological control.

Don’t feel.  Don’t think.  Don’t talk.  DON’T BE!  YOU don’t exist outside of ME! Obedience and silence is LAW! “It’s MY universe!” Screams the narcissist, “You function only for ME!”  You better put-up and shut-up and prop-up if you want to survive the corrupt rule of “The Others”:  the sick and twisted, needy, greedy, infantile and EVIL MALIGNANT NARCISSISTS.

Anonymous said:

I grew up in hell.

That’s the best description I can give you. My mother severely neglected and abused me.

In between all of this, she managed to parentify me – I ended up the equivalent of a 30 year old social worker in the body of a 10 year old. It was my job to worry about solving her problems and I’d better come up with all the right answers. There were months where she couldn’t pay her bills, so she needed my advice (at age 6, 7, 8) to work it out so that we wouldn’t be on the streets.

I think I had an anxiety disorder by the time I was 9.

Around that time, my mother found a young guy to marry, who quickly became my molester. I reported him to the school counsellor and she in turn reported it to social services. My step father was quickly jailed and I was returned to home.

I walked into the house to find my mother crying. “Why did you have to go to the school counsellor? Why didn’t you tell me?!” was the first thing out of her mouth. I guess I didn’t have a good enough answer because she kept crying. I remember being so upset that I started to cry. She screamed, “What the fuck are YOU crying for?! YOU are the cause of this! YOU put him in jail!”

The anguish was too much to bear. I just wanted to sink into the floor.

Personality disordered mother approached me a few days later on being really nice. She said, “You screwed-up, but you can fix this.” Willing to all but gnaw my right leg off to get out of this, I eagerly listened. She told me to go back to everyone (social workers, prosecuting attorney etc.) and tell them that I made this all up, so I did. In the meantime, she told my other family members that I was a liar, so she was covered on that front too. My step father came home from jail and treated me like garbage… until he begun sexually harassing and sexually abusing me again later. The difference this time was that I knew better than to tell, so I sucked it up and dealt with it. 

By the time I was a teen, I was suicidal.

Determined to end my misery, I said my good-byes to my brother.

He told our mother who decided to “treat” this herself.  She appeared in my doorway as red as a beet with a large leather belt in her hand. I don’t have the vocabulary to even describe the beating that I received that day.  All I can say is that she beat me until I couldn’t catch my breath and started vomiting.  She left me a crumpled heap of garbage, laying on the floor in my own vomit.  All I could do is crawl to my bed, where I curled up in a ball and cried until I feel asleep.  I was covered in bruises and welts so I had to miss school, but what sticks out in my mind about my extra time at home with her is that the next day she managed to make a joke about the incident.

She said something like, “Bet you won’t do that again” and burst out in laughter.   

What kind of a monster would treat another human being with such brutality, let alone her own daughter?! Someone who is so inhuman that they are incapable of relating to another’s humanity; someone who is so warped in the membrane that they internalize significant others to mere functions of their henious selves;  someone whose perverse self-serving control is crookedly disguised as love.  A malignant narcissist. That’s who.

Clearly Anon’s mother is violent and dangerous and bat-shit-crazy.  But she’s not “mental illness” crazy.  She doesn’t deserve that kind of credit.  She is of her own mind: a mind so debauched and out of control that she has no internal breaks on her sadistic behaviour.  Anon’s mother is evil. Period.  She is unfit for human interaction, and should not be allowed around vulnerable children never mind being placed in the power position of “mother.”

The true story of Anonymous is tragic and heart-breaking, and sadly all too common. I can’t relate to all the details of Anon’s horrific experience, but I can surely relate to having an insanely evil mother, and the systematic destruction of narcissistic abuse.  My MN mother was covertly sadistic, and whether it’s outrageously cruel overt abuse or sly and skillful covert abuse, the drive behind it is malice, and the intended result is the same:  total annihilation of the child.  Class, gender or race does not play a roll.  I explored this in the blog post (HERE).

If we break-down Anonymous’ story to its simplest form, we can see the process of Soul Murder, be it explicitly malicious and violent, or stealth and subtle and psychological.

Here’s what life is like for the abused and scapegoated child growing-up under the malignant narcissists' conspiracy of evil.

·         I grew-up in hell.

·         My mother severely neglected and abused me.

·         I think I had an anxiety disorder by the time I was 9.

·         The anguish was too much to bear. I just wanted to sink into the floor.

·         By the time I was a teen, I was suicidal.

·         Mother’s response to my agony was to inflict MORE pain and burst-out in laughter.

I too grew-up in hell. My mother severely neglected and abused me. I think I had an anxiety disorder by the time I was 9.  She beat-down my confidence, sense of self, and enthusiasm for life. She covertly tried to drive me to suicide and told me that I wasn’t meant to live.

The shame was too much to bear and I withdrew from the world around me.  At one point in my teens I was too nervous to speak and my body trembled uncontrollably.  MN mother responded to my symptoms of her abuse with delight.  When I was visibly insecure she would get an evil glint in her reptilian eyes and say to me in a happy sing song voice, “You have low self-worth.” Then she would walk-off humming, but not before she got a good look at me to make sure that I was deflated.  When she was feeling more aggressive she would scream at me, “Your life is a mess!”  If her slyly timed put-downs degraded me enough to make me stutter, she would crack a smug grin. 

These are stories of SOUL MURDER. This is about won ton human destruction. This is about malice without motive. This is about unmitigated hatred that has no basis in reality.  The malignant narcissists’ evil is a result of their sick and twisted mind.  It is a by-product of the darkness that lies within them.  It has nothing to do with external circumstances. Malignant narcissists are so diseased, so depraved and so disturbed that although their goal is total annihilation, they become even more punishing when their victim dares to succumb to their torture.  This is about EVIL finding so much pleasure is another’s suffering, that they drive their victim to suicide and then prevent the suicide by inflicting more pain.  This is about CONTROL.  This is about OWNERSHIP of another living, breathing human being.  Sure, the malignant narcissist wants to drive you to suicide, but they’re loath to relinquish any power so that it’s your decision alone. No. The malignant narcissist decides how and when you will die.  And, they much prefer to kill you slowly and surely of their OWN measure.     

Malignant narcissists are despicable parasites and they don’t want to lose their hosts. This might explain why they get more insanely evil when they notice their victim is checking-out.  They NEED to keep you around to feed on until there is nothing left of you but a husk and you are hollow, hollow, hollow!  Dead hearts, dead souls, and dead minds are much easier to control and fill with their fraudulent selves. And remember, the MN has internalized you to mere elements in his or her demented imagination so being unable to control and manipulate YOU literally means the narcissist is losing his or her mind.  This might be why they go berserk when their victim flees.  They are not only losing their grip on their host, they are losing their grip on their false self.

What if an adult child doesn’t flee from the evil clutches of a malignant narcissist parent? What then? MN mother has been out of my life longer than she has been in it, so I can’t factually write of the experience.  Though, I’ve often wondered what would have become of me if she and evil MN sister had remained in my life.  What I know for certain is that I would still be living in a fog of their projection, lies and delusions. I know for sure that they would still be ganging-up on me and messing with my mind.  I have no doubt that they would still be trying to undermine my confidence and toy with me every chance they got.  The systematic destruction would continue and the abuse would escalate with each passing year. It’s who they are. It’s what they do. They never change. They’re malignant narcissists.

Why would I ever have warm and fuzzy feelings for someone who proved over and over and over again that they are motivated by hatred and their intention is to cause me harm?  Because that creature is my mother? Get real. The fact that I’m her daughter is precisely the reason why she should be held to a HIGHER standard of human decency toward me, NOT a lower one.  This is not rocket science. This is bare bones common sense. Why would I knowingly and willingly allow someone seething with contempt for me to remain in my life?  Why would I even accept a telephone call from such a sick and destructive predator?      

I was able to flee from the malignant narcissists' treachery, and I flushed their poison out of my system. But, had I remained in MN mother and MN sister’s evil presence, not only would I still be contaminated, their venom would be compounded by 20 plus years, and I’d be oblivious to new toxins.  There’s no question that my mind, heart, body, and soul would be quite sick and that I would be more vulnerable than ever…  I shudder to think.

The only way to gain clarity and understanding of just how twisted these freaks are is to get the hell away from them.  You cannot protect yourself from the malignant narcissists’ vile nature while they are still contaminating you. MNs are diseased souls and if you remain too long in their presence your soul will become badly infected or die altogether.  In other words, your sense of self, your identity will barely cling to life or cease to exist.     

Even though Anon’s malignant narcissist mother viciously abused, exploited and sacrificed her to another known abuser, and even though she was a threat to her mental, emotional and physical safety, Anon wasn’t able to flush the toxic witch out of her system, and thus never knew a life without the devastating influence of a malignant narcissist.  Anonymous’ story is to be continued.  And it’s one of caution to those allowing a malignant narcissist parent to remain not only in their life, but in the lives of their children and loved ones.

“She will take your life and all you are and all you care’st for, and she will leave you with nothing but mist and fog. She’ll take your joy. And one day you’ll awake and your heart and soul will have gone. A husk you’ll be, a wisp you’ll be, and a thing no more than a dream on waking, or a memory of something forgotten.

“Flee, while there’s still air in your lungs and blood in your veins and warmth in your heart. Flee while you still have your mind and your soul.”