Sunday, 19 February 2017

The Malignant Narcissist's Contempt



Adult Children of Narcissists have been socialized to accept the unacceptable.

We have tolerated hatred, simply for existing, from the people who should love us for existing.

Not only were we programmed to experience contempt as normal; we were trained to internalize the contempt. The narcissist’s goal was, and always will be, to manipulate their victim into hating themselves. A self-loathing victim is not a threat. A self-loathing child will never be competition to the narcissist parent or golden child appendage because that child will never live up to their potential. A child with low self-worth will fear outshining anyone because they will view themselves unworthy of attention. A child who feels worthless will make the perfect scapegoat because that child will end up being self-destructive.

Narcissist parents do not want their children to have any self-respect. They don’t want their children to be happy or to succeed in life. Self-respect would mean that we no longer tolerate abuse. Our happiness and success would cause the narcissists way too much pain. And, it’s all about them, and protecting the fortress of their fragile egos. If, against all odds, an adult child does thrive then the malignant narcissist parent will get their selfish, sadistic needs met by tearing that child down.

You can never win with narcissists. The only acceptable state of being for the adult child of narcissists is to collude in the delusion of “family” with demonstration of bow and scrape to the Kings and Queens of the fiefdom. A “family fiefdom” where you must denounce all your rights and accept your lowly position as second class citizen wherein you have all the obligations and responsibilities of a chain gang member, and none of the privileges afforded only to the narcissists, and sometimes strategically doled-out to their monkeys and minions.

Sound like a good deal?

Sounds like a contemptuous relationship.

Contempt is not just strong dislike, or hate. It’s a feeling that a person is beneath consideration, unworthy of respect, notice or concern. It’s hatred tinged with disgust. It’s growing-up in a home where a parent screams, “It doesn’t matter what you think! It doesn’t matter what you feel! It doesn’t matter what you need! You don’t matter!” It’s growing up in a home where the people who are supposed to love and respect you, show you everyday and in every way that they think you are worthless.

Contempt is about being deprived and denied and devalued. Contempt is the way narcissists elevate themselves. Making others feel small makes the narcissist feel like a big shot. Putting you down puffs-up the narcissist. And again, it’s always about protecting the narcissist’s infantile ego. The malignant narcissist mother has no qualms about sacrificing her young in exchange for the power rush of glorifying her image. And you have to be one sick, insecure bitch to need to feel superior to a child that you already have unlimited power over through your role as parent. But we all the know the predatory malignant narcissist never stops feeding because she is never satisfied.

When I was about 20 years old I took the bus to visit my mother. I didn’t call ahead to let her know I was coming. I just thought it would be nice to surprise her with a visit. I remember I was feeling a little down that day. I was probably technically depressed, but I didn’t know it. All I knew is that I needed a bit of nurturing… from my mother. Ha! You’re probably wondering what I was smoking. Nothing. It was just plain old denial sprouting from 20 years of narcissistic abuse. It was “normal” for me to go to the hardware store for milk; to try and squeeze blood out of a stone.

I walked up the pathway to the malignant narcissist mother’s house and she peeked out the curtain and scowled at me as I approached her door. I should have turned around and run like hell, but hey, I was in a fog. Having the malignant narcissist mother shoot me an evil glare as I innocently came a callin’ was normal. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I still thought she would be pleased to see me and invite me in. I knocked on the door and she quickly opened it and hissed, “What do you want?!!” My body shrunk and I started to stutter, “Nnnnothing... I I I just came to see you.” She grabbed her coat off a rack and angily brushed passed me and snapped, “I’m going out!” I stood on her door-step and watched her storm off to the garage, get in her car and speed away. It all happened so fast. She was still wearing her slippers. I walked back to the bus stop and sat down on the bench. A few minutes later I saw the narcissist mother drive by. She was smiling/smirking and tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. I watched her head back home and turn into her driveway. She pretended not to notice me, but I know she was happy I saw her.

THAT my friends is contempt.

What’s worse than the actual hatred and disgust emanating from the malignant narcissist mother is the fact that I didn’t think there was anything unusual about her behavior. Sure, I was hurt. But I just chalked it up to her being in a bad mood. Her being nasty toward me was normal. I was socialized to accept the unacceptable. I had yet to accept reality – that she was grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of her self-centered, aggressive, and psychologically violent behavior. And it was indeed an act of violence. She didn’t actually run me over with her car, but the incident was most certainly a hit and run. 

 
The malignant narcissist’s contempt makes her extremely callous. How can you give a damn about the humanity of another when you disrespect all the qualities that make someone human? This callousness is never more obvious than when you are weak, vulnerable or in need. Malignant narcissists utterly despise the needy. Their grandiosity makes them feel that they alone are the only ones entitled to needs. They are in constant pursuit of every last drop of attention, so if you are in need of anything this will trigger their contempt which usually manifests in punitive acts toward the vulnerable. In other words, you will be punished for suffering.

Here’s an example: The narcissist has 3 children. One of the children is very hungry and has nothing to eat. Two of the children have full bellies and still have some food left over from their last meal. The malignant narcissist mother will give a heaping plate of food to the children who are not hungry as a reward for not being hungry. The starving child will get nothing. In other words, the malignant narcissist parent will punish the child in need for being in need. She may not actually starve the child to death, but she sure as hell won’t give the child enough nourishment to thrive. She will only give the bare minimum required for survival and she will resent having to give it. How dare you inconvenience me with basic human needs such as food, shelter, clothing, medical care etc.?! Who the hell do you think you are for needing anything?!

Contempt = Abuse

I was around 22 and I had just moved back to my home city. I was working at a low-paying job and struggling to make my rent. Most of my earnings went toward rent, and there wasn’t enough left over for a sufficient amount of food. So I started to lose weight, and I was already on the thin side so there wasn't much to lose. One day I saw the malignant narcissist sister, and I guess she reported back to the MN mother that I looked skinny. So the two evil bitches accuse me of being anorexic. There’s no concern for me; just judgment and labeling my need for food an eating disorder. Next thing I know I'm having to defend myself to them and explain that I can't afford food. They knew damn well that I couldn’t afford food; they just didn’t want to acknowledge it because then they might have to do something to help me. So what did they do? They taunted me about my need for money, for food, for care and concern.

The MN sister was living comfortably for FREE in MN mother’s large 3 bedroom townhouse. Malignant narcissist mother was laid-off from her part-time job that she did for fun, so she was receiving unemployment cheques. To her that was "free" money so she used those cheques to shop shop shop. One day the two malignant hags left a key to their Castle "under the mat" so I could enter their Kingdom to pick-up some mail. I was absolutely starving at the time.

I went into the kitchen and I saw a note stuck on the fridge from the MN mother to MN sister. It said have a “wonderful” weekend (the MN mother had gone to a resort for the weekend) and her credit card was attached. The note went on to say to buy whatever she likes. Love Mom. The credit card was for a department store that had an amazing food floor and was conveniently located near their house. Did I grab the card and get whatever "I" like? No. But I did go upstairs to peek in the malignant narcissist mother’s bedroom. I was astonished. It was like a department store from the 1950s had exploded. There were boxes EVERYWHERE. Really fancy boxes sprouting colorful tissue. I didn't even know retailers boxed stuff anymore. There were hat boxes, shoe boxes, clothing boxes, jewelry boxes. Some of the items were spilling out of the boxes and on display, strewn across chairs and laying on the bed. It looked like a shopaholic had gone on a major bender. The malignant narcissist mother was so cheap, she never bought like that for herself, so it was this "free" money from the government (that she didn't need) that triggered her extravagant spending spree.

I believe this whole over-the-top scene was staged for my benefit. In other words, to make me feel bad as well as try to frame me. The malignant narcissist mother knew I was starving so what better way to demonstrate her contempt than by letting me see that she was leaving her MN frankendaughter a credit card to buy food at the swankiest food floor in town. She also wanted me to see that she was over-flowing with luxury items while I couldn’t afford a carton of milk. This was also a test. She set me up to tempt me. She wanted to see if I would take the credit card to buy myself food, or steal any of her purchases. Despite being in need, I had zero sense of entitlement so I did not “take” anything. In fact, it was my lack of entitlement and acceptance of a criminal state of deprivation, when there was so much to go around, that put me in an unnecessary position of need.

Well, the two malignant hags were disappointed that they couldn’t accuse me of anything. Can you imagine the glee they would have experienced knowing that I had to succumb swiping a credit card in order to eat?! In addition to gloating over my deprivation and marginalization; they would have relished in condemning me for stealing. It would have been a festival of humiliation, punishment and degradation. It was a typical no-win scenario designed by a couple of malignant narcissist sadists. But I didn’t bite, so their malicious need to humiliate me wasn’t satisfied. They started plotting.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. By this time I had lost a noticeable amount of weight. So the two evil witches used my literal starvation as a means to demonstrate their contempt. They concocted around their bubbling brew of poison a massive insult to me disguised as a "care” package. The MN sister dropped by my apartment with a bag of "food”. Was it nice, healthy, fresh stuff from the fancy department store food floor? Hell to the no! It was all crap. And all the stuff I hated and have always hated. There was some dusty old cans of pork 'n beans, an ancient box of Kraft Dinner, and powdered soup. It was all the shit that no one ever eats, but that just sits and gets dusty at the back of the kitchen cupboards and maybe is given as a donation for food drives at Christmas. And among this Oliver Twist “contempt” package was some cheese. But not a block of cheese in its own package. It was a small slab of cheese chopped from a larger chunk and it looked like some mold had been scraped off. Even the powdered soup wasn't a whole box, it was 2 individual packets taken from a box and it was so old the powder had hardened. But did I complain? No. I was genuinely very grateful. Even though the only thing that I would be able to eat from their bag of crap was a morel of cheese, I still felt grateful that they showed me an ounce of concern. HA! The malignant narcissist's putrid "concern" is just neatly packaged and canned contempt.  

These malignant creatures never stop reminding you of where you sit on the food chain. They will deprive and marginalize you into oblivion and then hate you for being in need. They will demonstrate their contempt for you at every conceivable opportunity. They will never stop letting you know that you are unworthy of the good stuff. A box of Kraft Dinner?! Scraps of garbage food was a message to let me know what they think of me. It's Cinderella and the ugly step sister scenario. Sweep the floor Cinderelly! Do the laundry Cinderelly! You exist to serve us Cinderelly! The nuclear orange processed food is the modern day version of gruel. 

Malignant narcissists perceive your time of need with contempt because they see being in need as being stupid. They believe having a pathological sense of entitlement makes them smart. The malignant narcissist is much too special (and predatory and greedy) to suffer through hard times. Why should she want for anything when she can steal, take, manipulate, cajole and bully her way into a state of constant comfort? The malignant narcissist’s selfish, self-centered status of “entitled” confers in her the belief that she has the right to get whatever it is she wants. In her mind, she is free to posses it simply because she wants it. And if anyone gets in her way, she will use any force necessary to take what she believes rightly belongs to her.

Contempt = Entitlement

The malignant narcissist’s contempt and lack of respect for others leaves them feeling empowered and at liberty to exploit and violate others without worry and without shame. They size up a person’s use-value and base their relationships purely on how much they can get, take and steal. The flow of their fake love is in direct proportion to how much they think they can bleed from someone. For example, the malignant narcissist will love bomb – use affection as a weapon – to get whatever she wants. It’s the malignant narcissist’s characteristic contempt for humanity that makes it possible for her to betray the trust of others and violate personal boundaries with as much concern as one would put into a crushing a paper cup.

Contempt = Exploitation


The malignant narcissist does not take anyone or anything seriously because she has no respect for anyone or anything. No respect at all. How can she take anyone seriously when her pervading view of others is that they are beneath her; a joke, and nothing but objects to have her way with and use for whatever purposes suits her agenda.

For example, the malignant narcissist daughter who gratuitously exploits her mentally and emotionally weak father throughout his life and takes and takes and takes without a second thought to how her parasitic and destructive behavior will impact others. In fact, she will not stop violating her dad just because he is on his deathbed and slipping in and out of consciousness. Indeed, she will use his vulnerability and impending death to hastily steal a huge asset from his estate. As his body is shutting down, she will shove contracts under his nose and steer his hand in order to TAKE what she wants regardless of what her father, who trusted her, intended. With her cool-blooded contempt, the malignant narcissist will treat her dad in his final days as nothing but an object to exploit. She will not mourn the passing of his life. She has a malignant disrespect for human life. She will cause pain and outrage to others unburdened by normal feelings of responsibility and accountability because she just doesn’t care. Do you care what a fly is feeling before you swat it?

Contempt = Callous

The malignant narcissist’s contempt means she can’t take others seriously. She doesn’t take laws of right and wrong and human dignity into consideration because she doesn’t have the ability to give a damn. So she’s caught in a lie? So she’s busted for fraud? So people think her behavior is repugnant? Big deal. So her denials of her crimes are absurd? So she has caused others extreme grief and suffering? So what. A malignant narcissist is an emotionally and interpersonally sick individual who, at bottom, has no true stake in others. And remember, there’s no shame or embarrassment in being confronted or busted by those she doesn’t take seriously. The malignant narcissist’s signature contempt and heartless disrespect inflates her grandiosity and sense of omnipotence. This makes her feel fearless. She truly believes she is invincible. She views herself flying high above everyone and everything, including morality.

Contempt = Delusion

The malignant narcissist is convinced she is as smart, clever, and cunning as others are dumb, naive or desperate. In other words, the malignant narcissist’s bloated grandiosity makes her thinks she is so superior that she is entitled to a life without consequence. She thinks she’s good. Damn good. Better than everyone. And in proportion to how brilliant she believes herself to be; she thinks you are that stupid. As a consequence, the malignant narcissist’s contempt leaves her at constant risk of underestimating others, and over estimating herself. But again, no big deal. Her disrespect of everyone and everything is a mindset steeped in indifference toward life. What she stands to lose through her abuse of others, is in her mind, as contemptible as what she stands to gain. A pervading sense of emptiness and cold detachment colors the malignant narcissist’s world.

Contempt = A Barren Existence

So, in the end, the miserable malignant narcissists can be as contemptuous of us as they like because we sure as hell are not going to internalize that contempt. We’ll externalize it by hurling it right back at them.

We’ll give the mother fuckers something to hate us for.

20 comments:

  1. Good article Lisette.

    Man you gave me memories with this one too. I once went in the car for the hour and half trip and then 80 dollars of gas money I didn't really have to visit my mother, and she was "busy" and left while I was there. I had that happen all the time too. The clothes and show off time too always happened, I lived in poverty but she would show her new clothes, jewelry-once a sapphire ring, and stockade of food. We are having a "poor" week now and well with the food pantries while I get some meat from one food coop and decent church meals, its boxed mac and cheese city and pork and beans. I know the churches get what they are donated so don't blame them, but yeah I am familiar with narcs on that one too. I got literal crumbs and castoffs while they showed off.

    I once told my momster, I was sick of her contempt and she turned around and wrote why do you hold me in contempt, this was 2012 and I knew I had to get away. She spent her entire life getting others to hate me while she poured it over my head.

    They do punish us for suffering mostly suffering they caused too. The sicker I got the worse mine would be and I am sure the same went for yours too.

    To be free we have to admit their contempt and utter hatred to ourselves and then we can deal with reality instead of how we want things to be.

    I believe both your mother and sister are full bore sociopaths.

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    1. Your mother asked you why you hold HER in contempt?! I swear the only way they can communicate with us is through projection. It's like a knee jerk reaction for them to smear who they are onto us.

      These malignant narcissists mother's are very cruel. It seems the more effort we put into the relationship;the more contemptuous they become.

      Yup, the crumbs and the cast offs are their way of saying we are worth less than them. Funny thing is, these narcs seem to need more and more property, cash and possessions in order to prove their worth.

      They are predators that's why they attack when we are sick or weak or in need. They can't resist the temptation to strike when they sniff out vulnerability. Like all abusive bullies, they are cowards too.

      They are horrible, toxic creatures and not worth the energy involved to domesticate.

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    2. Yes she wrote back and totally switched my statement around. It was crazy and yes projection. She would do that in front of other people too. I agree when I was in that "forgiveness" stage it just made her meaner.

      Yes I got all the old furniture and cast offs. She thought she was so "generous" wanting me to crawl back for a 20 year old car. Seriously it was a 1999, I own a 2003. She was buying new 50,000 automobiles. She just wanted a new open space in her giant drive way. Mine seemed to look gleeful using me for her trash castoffs. Even my husband at one point said, she's just using us as her trash bin.

      Yes they attack, when we are sick or weak or in need. Being disabled with a narcissistic mother is the worse. She was gunning for me from the start. They do need their money and possessions to show off. I agree they are cowards. When I have gone way off, she has backed down, though revenge always came later. The only solution is no contact. I don't miss her at all or her little minions.

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    3. They want us to be kind, considerate, generous and caring so they can exploit us, but they hold us in contempt for having the very qualities they exploit to their benefit. You really can't do right by these people - ever. And why should we even try when they only do wrong by us.

      I agree that these oh so superior malignant narcissists see us as nothing but their trash bins. They use us as a dumping ground for ALL of their the junk, including their character flaws, faults and failings and bad acts.

      You car story reminds me of a conversation with the nasty MN bully sister. It was during one of the rare times I spoke to her over the last 3 decades. She was selling her crappy car on craigslist. It was the kind of car that rarely started with an engine that was being held together with a coat hanger. And if by chance it started running, it "might" run for a while before it broke down for good. Without asking me if I wanted it, the MN sister "told" me that she was going to give it to me if she couldn't sell it. I had a car. Why the hell would I want her piece of junk? Of course, since the sister is a MN it's all about her and her needs. She didn't want to store the car anymore or pay for it to be scrapped so she thought she would pass her problem onto me and have me take care of it for her. She ended up selling the car to some poor sap and I remember her saying, "I hope he makes it home in the car... I feel bad." As if she felt bad for him! She was proud of herself for selling the guy a lemon for maximum dollar. The narc's words never match their actions. They are true con artists, frauds and swindlers always on the look-out for an easy mark.

      Peep, I would like to see your evil mother deal with the cards you've been dealt. I would like to see how all these narcs "handle" the degrading treatment, deprivation and abuse they've inflicted on us. Truth is, they couldn't handle it. Just the thought of them being slighted incites their narc rage. Just the thought of them not getting everything they want when they want it makes them go crazy. Even being called to account for their abuses and crimes makes then retaliate with a vengeance. If you confront them on anything they will go on the offensive and do it all the more. Their attitude is: no one tells ME what to do! I'll show you! I get to do whatever I want! Just watch me!! You're right that they may not do it right away, but revenge always comes if you dare to hold a malignant narcissist accountable.

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    4. Yes there is no doing right by them. The good stuff about us they just exploit and mock and they make fun of us for having consciences. You can't win either way. Every contact with a narcissist is a lose-lose battle. You can't convince a shell of any rightness or even get them to 'see' you.

      Yes we are their trash bins. Here's some old furniture but um NO to an actual job for your husband [she had the connections to make it happen and did for others] so I guess I got a chair to sit on after the visit to the food pantry. The one newer couch was bought because she was about to marry this guy who saw my apartment with no where to sit. I think I only got help with cars, in my 30s because she feared me at her doorstep. They do dump everything else on us, we serve as the dumping ground and they can rally the troops and deflect negative attention focusing on that "rotten" Peep or whatever ACON.

      Yeah your sister ripped that guy off. He probably was poor too and spent his last dime or savings on what he thought was a good used car. They love to do that kind of thing in their cons. I never see narcs without a car, they'll hustle their way into one I guess. My mother had 4 or 5 of them, when I had the car offers I rejected, I couldn't even remember what car it was, does that tell you how many she has. Funny how the ones she offered were always older then what I already had. Some states have lemon laws where that guy could have gotten his money back from your rotten sister and she had money to treat people decently too and didn't need to swindle them but they get glee and delight in screwing people over. Mine for one ancient beyond measure car offer had my brother tell me, "Mom will have the car checked over" I had been three years no contact, I thought "What? take a file to the brake line?" LOL

      My brother always had these new cars, even newer models, selling candy door to door with teens, but always something worth at least 25,000 sitting in the driveway, I agree they are all con artists.

      My mother wouldn't have lasted one week in the Chicago neighborhood I lived in. One day at this weight and Lipedema, she'd crack up. I told her in the NC letter, after I dealt with gangsters threatening to shoot me [this due to my job working with violent youth] what do I have to fear from a narcissistic woman?" I'd love to see her standing at a food pantry line. She is like a vampire, and even normal aging didn't seem to be happening, you know like an elderly person SLOWING DOWN. They all need their butts kissed 24-7. I consider my mother SPOILED, she was from childhood. Someone needed to tell the brat NO for once or actually stand up, instead of being a bunch of cowards and wimps. I agree when they are called to account they can be dangerous. I know mine wants revenge just as much as yours. I know the snake lies in wait, I hope time is on my side, I am already nearly a senior myself. With yours I hope they are held accountable.

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    5. Oh, hell no! You do not want a malignant narcissist "checking over" your car! Especially if you live up a hill! LOL.

      Spoiled rotten brats is what they are no matter what their age. I would like to witness a MN hearing the word "No". It would be fun to witness spontaneous "non-human" combustion.

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    6. Just yesterday discovered the name for what my mother was, and what my sister is. And found out that I am a scapegoat child/sibling as both my mother and sister are MN. I had been staying with my sister because she needed help getting her life in order after she kicked out her husband. She had a security company she didn't know how to run, and needed to learn basic grown up life skills as she never had to think for herself. I was in nursing school, and raising 2 kids. So I went and stayed there to help her, and work for her company while she watched the kids. It went to shit pretty quick when she hit my son in the face one night, and I sent them to stay with their dads until I finished school because no fucking way. Then she stopped coming home to watch her kids, and scheduling me off work to babysit because "you live with me for free, you'll do what I tell you." Her kids were not doing well emotionally, and I told her she was fucking her kids up by turning them against their dad and not being home. She literally said "Fuck you skank! You lost your kids, don't tell me how to raise mine!" Um, what? Then "You're fired, and get the fuck out!"
      She then stole my shoes, anything else she decided she wanted, and threw the rest on the porch for me to get after work. She stole my last paycheck by "deducting" all but $12 of a 60 hour week, and I was homeless. The emails that go back and forth are amazing to read, and I tell her how everything she did is illegal, and she just freaks out about how I'm a druggie and I lost my kids because I'm such a druggie and how my kids would be better with her. I honestly have never seen someone just pull shit out of thin air like that. I have never used drugs, or taken anything that I didn't earn. Ever. By the end she had accused me of theft, and being disrespectful to her kids, and being a druggie. All the things she was guilty of. Spontaneous "non-human" combustion is exactly what it was. I told her that I had enough evidence to take her down, all I wanted was the paycheck I'd earned. She refused, willing to pay half a million in fines rather than lose to me. The emails are hilarious, and show what a MN is like when you confront one.

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    7. They do "pull shit out of thin air" so be careful. They lie, deny, blame-shift, play the victim and project all their behavior onto others. So be careful. I would cease all communication with her because your emails could be twisted and turned against you. Your MN sister isn't about to disclose to a "third-party" all of her vindictive provocations leading up to what you wrote in the emails. Do not feed her. These MNs are high conflict personalities and they love drama. They are always at the ready to escalate minor occurrences into huge matters, often involving the police. If I've learned anything, it is that malignant narcissists truly believe that your reaction to their criminal behavior is a crime against poor little old them. They will take your normal reaction to their abnormal treatment of you and use it against you. It's what they do. If your sister is anything like my MN sister, then she has been practicing this con game since birth and she is good at it. That means she is good at not getting caught.

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  2. Yes contempt is the main mode of existence of the Narcissist. Your story of your mom's extreme rejecting behavior when you went to visit her, is exactly how my mother would treat me. I would drive 6 hours to see her (as I didn't live at home anymore) and when I'd get out of the car and I'd ring the doorbell of the house, and she'd open the door and push me away with sheer rage and utter contempt towards me. Is this a way to greet your own daughter or anyone when they come for a visit?

    Also, as your post perfectly describes, these Narcissist ensure that their children never reach their full potential and end up in a self-destructive state. That's because they invalidate our intuition completely and so we lose our compass and our self-protective mechanism in life. How can we thrive if we are so messed up internally and have no clue how to function in real life. I despise Narcissists with a passion. And what baffles me is these predators end up meeting a partner, breed and create children to torture, yet so many well meaning folks who would like to have children are unable to. It is so unfair! Great article as usual, very empowering. Susan

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    1. It's interesting how all our malignant narcissist mothers demonstrated utter contempt toward us when we went out of our way to spend time with them. Peep's mom was "too busy" and just got up and left. Susan, your mother literally pushed you away (what a miserable cow!). And my MNM took off like a bat out of hell and left me in the dust. Do you think they wonder why we don't call on mother's day? Geesh. I used to think I was the only person who had a mother that flew into a rage at the very sight of her daughter. Our stories confirm, once again, that it's not us that is the "problem", it's THEM.

      Susan, it also baffles me how these grotesque predators end up with partners and family and friends and even jobs. But like you said, they create children to torture. I think that holds true of all their relationships. Anyone in their pathological space is going to suffer. It is truly unfair that the scapegoat is shunned and abandoned when it's the malignant narcissist that should be dropped on an ice float and sent away.

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    2. It makes me sick too how these worse people breed too. Trust me I have taken that one to God and often there is not just one child they have and mess up but a FEW. Maybe there are more narc mothers now in modern times, because they are the promiscuous ones and not the ones, thinking, "Should I have a baby and could I take care of it properly right now?" but jump on in for the bed time "fun" and or hope in getting pregnant and know they can manipulate a man woven around their little fingers. Broke responsible Gen X and millennials used birth control cautiously and tested the budgets, the narcs all went on a tear. For the Baby Boomer set in the 1950s and 60s, how many of the narcs captured a man with an unwed pregnancy for a shot gun wedding, while the "responsible" girls had to fight harder? I thought about writing an article once but feared I'd piss off too many people LOL it certainly was going to be a kind of biased article but I was going to complain about how many men seemed attracted to narc women and chose their aggressiveness, over the kinder women.

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  3. This is reply to the above too. yeah when mine left, I forgot where she said where she was going. We had driven an hour and half to be there. I went to her local library and bookstores for three hours. I was always put as last priority. Once we came on a visit and she said she had to go visit a neighbor across the street for their house-warming party , of course we could not go with, she didn't want to have them see her fat daughter.I was kind of clueless but one day I sat down and realized the woman had arranged it so we had not been seen in public together since 1994, and once when I took a ill fated car ride with her in 2005, she kept telling me to stay inside the car while she got gas etc. Realizing that woke me up. It did cancel a lot of invites to anywhere public. She told people openly she was embarrassed of me. I do not think she is my biological mother but that whole scenario was even more sickening. [by the way a then 250lb weight loss circa 1999-2001, did not fix any of this, I was still fat enough to be shunned. 40lbs overweight, I was a "too fat" and "disgusting" so that did not change things. I think of how hard I tried and it makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I could go back in time and shake me of back then awake but its better late then ever. I may be in destitution poverty but I won't be Aunt Scapegoat saying thank you for the crumbs.

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    1. It's amazing what we tolerated from these perverse emotional abusers disguised as "mothers." The time wasted is astonishing. Not just real time, like the 3 hours you wasted waited for her to grace you with her malignant presence, but the time we wasted in our minds thinking that maybe next time will be different. Or, that they "might" care about us. Having a malignant narcissist mother is a total mindfuck. The way they abuse is so sneaky, so covert and so deniable. I'm just glad we all figured it out and are no longer wasting our time.

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    2. Oh my goodness, my MN is the same way. She is the size of a mosquito, and her features are sharp, resembling a hatchet. She thinks all people should be skin and bones, and absolutely hates "fat people", and to her, everyone is fat. A couple of years ago, I made the mistake of agreeing to stay at her home for the night. I was given blankets to make a "cozy pallet" on the small rug, and only rug on her painted concrete floors. I could not sleep on the big, plush couch, or her new lazy boy recliners, because I would "cause sagging." I was miserable! Very uncomfortable! She came into the kitchen in the middle of the night to get the cats ("her boys") a bowl of ice cream. Seeing me tossing and turning, she said, in her most ooey gooey, sickening sweet, and sad voice, "It just breaks my heart to see you on the floor like that, but you are so big, I don't know where to put you." A week later, I found this blog, and it saved my life. I never returned to her house of horrors.

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    3. lamamolecule,
      The description of your MN resembling a hatchet is so visual and so perfect for these MNs; they are always doing hatchet jobs on us behind our backs. It makes me sick that she said, "it just breaks my heart to see you on the floor like that..." She was gloating. They all gloat. I've heard that gooey, sickening sweet voice before and it's nothing but putrid condescension. They carry a knife in one hand to stab us, and then they use the razor in the other hand to *fake* sooth the pain they cause. It's all about their comfort and their needs while we lie dying by the side of the road.

      Good by house of horrors, hello house of mirrors!

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  4. These stories are so heartbreaking, sickening and sad. How is it we can all relate so readily to the exact same horrible treatment, practically down to the last detail? Every time I went "home", there was some version of this cold, creepy scenario playing out as well, but I was just too trusting to understand, let alone believe that it was actually contempt. It's hard to choose just one of the many bizarre visits to relate here, but here's one dark moment that I'm so grateful distance kept from becoming routine.

    When I had a baby, my younger sister had a brand new little one too and they were only days apart. I was getting ready to move, again, even farther away from FOO, so I decided to work in a quick visit. I flew with the 3mo baby to see my sister and her new baby since (I thought) we had a close relationship. (That's been proven over the years to not be the case, but I thought it at the time.) "The mother" didn't even entertain the idea of me and the baby coming to her house; she preferred to drive out to the sister's, a few miles away. She arrived with diapers, baby formula, outfits and a couple of baby toys, but she left them in the car. The only reason I knew she'd brought these things was because I heard her whispering to my sister that she'd leave these things FOR SISTER'S BABY on the back porch before she left. OK, I figured it was just a thing they did because they lived so close to each other, my baby didn't like toys anyway... lol

    So, my kid was in one of those carrier thingies, happily googling away and "the mother" came into the room carrying sister's baby all close and tight and jiggly and smiling. She looks down at "the other" baby, who she's never seen before, and walks right past him. She wasn't acting angry or moody, she was just completely indifferent to his presence. So I get the little feller out of his carrier and talk her into reluctantly putting my nephew down onto a blanket with toys so she can hold "the other" baby. I handed her "the other" baby and she held him sitting upright, way out on her knee as far as she could without him sliding down her shin. She just stared at him, like she was apprehensively holding some wild animal baby that might bite her. He started to get fussy, probably because he felt like he was going to fall, so I took him back and let her make comments about how some babies don't like strangers. Funny, she had always told me that I never liked being held as a baby...

    To see so clearly, NOW, that this crap treatment was narcissistic contempt, Lisette, is messing up all the tidy little packages of bullshit contained in my head. It's going to take a long time to reset my equilibrium, but it's so worth it to no longer have my hopes attached to a lie. I think it was you who helped me see these things in pictures rather than continue struggling with dry, black and white facts. I can now easily compare us (scapegoats) to decidedly icky dolls that, belonging to nasty little girls, were mistreated and thrown in the garbage. But we kept coming back to the house and trying to climb back onto the doll shelf. Their stories about how upset they've been by the icky dolls coming back, keep getting more outrageous and hysterical. They keep hoping to convince everyone they can to rescue them, these poor, poor nasty, little girls, from this nightmare and help them destroy the icky dolls finally, once and for all. If this wasn't your illustrative depiction, it certainly could have been; or some clip from The Twilight Zone.

    Thank you once again.

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    1. What better way for a malignant narcissist mother to demonstrate her contempt for her daughter then through her child. She held your baby, the "other baby", like it was some alien life form, and your baby was an alien life form - it was human!! These malignant narcissist oddities only warm up to their fellow freaks.

      So "you" never liked been held as a baby? Yeah right. She, "the mother" never liked holding you! They always give themselves away in their projections. I experienced the same thing from my MNM. She said, "I knew that even as a little girl you didn't like me." HA! Translation: I never liked you, even as a child.

      Oh, and I love the way the "mother" so sneakily, yet so obviously, excluded you by leaving offerings FOR SISTER'S BABY on the back porch. Of course you knew what was going on, but this is a perfect example of covert crap treatment the MN could deny by saying, "I left the presents for SISTER'S BABY in secret because I am so sensitive. I should be commended for going out of my way "not" to hurt "the other daughter's" feelings." They truly believe this type of shady behavior clears them of any allegations of abuse/favoritism/exclusion. In their minds, not giving the gifts to SISTER'S BABY in front of you, means they are off the hook for contemptuous treatment. Everything they do is deniable. That's rule number #1 for malignant narcissist mothers and their freaky frankendaughter counterparts.

      "It's so worth it to no longer have my hopes attached to a lie." I love that line. Without the understanding of how these hateful MNs operate, we do waste so much time and energy attaching hopes to a lie. It's nice to have that time and energy focused elsewhere, on relationships with normal humans who are capable of love and respect for their fellow humans.

      The picture of an icky doll belonging to a nasty little girl who mistreats it and throws it in the garbage and it keeps coming back to the house and trying to climb on the doll shelf is sad but accurate. It IS like a scene out The Twilight Zone or a tragic version of Toy Story.

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  5. Hi, it took me sooooo long to realize that my MN mother held me in total contempt. For most of my life I knew something was wrong but little did I know how little my siblings and I meant to her. Except as a form of supply of course. Wow, she really thought I would be around forever, bending over for her twisted abuse. Im in my 40's now, and have been no contact for three years. The best thing I ever did was move 2000 miles away from her and my enabling narc dad. This way I have been able to keep her away from my children, which really pisses them off. As I got older, before I went no contact, the contempt she had for me became crystal clear. Dr Pecks book, People of the Lie and your blog Lissette, helped me survive and understand this. I believe her ultimate goal was complete soul murder. It almost happened, but once I realized my children were at risk, it gave me the courage to not be her rag doll anymore. One way that I began to learn the REAL truth about my childhood, was these comments she would make that were projection, but told on herself. I learned so much once I realized this little trick. I began to think she may have tortured me with cruelty when I was an infant, young child. I began to believe she was evil, and was in a way possessed. One evil comment from her really was the catalyst for me to go NC and understand the enormity of what had happened to me. At my wedding, my enabling narc dad wanted to walk me down the isle, not because he cared about me, but because he wanted to look good and play out his pretend caring father role. Because my parents were divorced this sent my mom into a narc rage. As we walked past her isle of chairs I heard this growling, guttural voice saying " he always treated you like shit when you were a baby" Because I was so used to here rage I only stopped mid step for a split second and kept walking. I was shocked but I wasn't going to let the evil destroy my wedding day. Of course my dad did nothing, and I don't know how many people heard it but no one did anything. She totally got away with it as usual, always playing the victim. I tried to ignore it and had a good time with my husband, though I felt daggers coming from her eyes till she left early. But that comment stayed with me. I then over time realized that the nightmares I had of her, and the sexual abuse I suffered when I was a child by her sibling was not a coincidence. I believe now, she was the one that treated me like shit when I was a baby. I was like an echo coming from the past through my body.This is hard for me to share but it feels good writing the truth, I can live with the truth. I hope maybe this memory will help someone else realize it is possible to feel complete hatred and contempt from your own mother. It is very dangerous to be around, potentially deadly. Thank you for writing on the subject of contempt. It brings a clearer understanding of why my siblings and I have suffered so much.
    MG

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    1. Hi MG,
      It's nice to read a post from you - I'm assuming you are the same MG who posted comments on my blog a few years ago. Welcome back :)

      I'm sorry to hear about your mother pulling such a nasty stunt at your wedding. Did her head spin 360 degrees and did she start speaking in tongue? You should have sprayed some holy water on her (assuming it was a church wedding). I'm glad she didn't trip you up, because that's exactly what she intended to do. I swear, the sight of our happiness brings out the devil in them. Malicious envy says it all. It's disappointing that the bystanders never take these MNs to task for their repugnant behavior. But maybe that's what she wanted; to start a commotion, cause a scene and really ruin your moment. I'm glad you had a good time in spite of her.

      I agree the narcissist's projections give them away. You can get a good idea of their internal dialogue through their projections. Whatever they are accusing their target of, they are at least "thinking" of doing it to the target.

      Writing the truth does feel good, as does living in the truth about who these people really are. They are extremely dangerous and I am glad to hear you are 3 years into no contact - congrats!

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  6. Thank you for the welcome back Lisette, I am the same MG. It has been a long journey through NC but nothing like my life when my MN mom and Narc dad had access to my mind. You explained it so well in your article: Because I don't have to feel their delusion, exploitation and callousness toward me just for existing. I relate to the staged scene of your mom's shopping sprees you described, and her hatred of your attempt for her attention and respect when you came to her door. It's also amazing to read the comments posted about these MN mothers. Like you wrote:" do you care what a fly is feeling right before you swat it?"
    I appreciate you sense of humor and laughing has always helped me stay sane. Remembering these many dark moments has helped me throw their contempt right back at them. Cheers

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