A Birthday Gift From A Malignant Narcissist Mother

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        Breaking Free: A Way Out for Adult Children of Narcissists

 
                               

The Aftershock Of Narcissistic Abuse

“If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now, the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a narcissist.  Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart.

Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask."   ----- Joanna Ashmun   How To Recognize A Narcissist

I would not be writing this blog if my NFOO were the only narcissists to infect my life.  Wouldn’t that be nice? To be done with these pernicious creatures at the age of 18; clean-up the aftermath of their abuse and move forward with my life, narc free.  No such luck!  My narcissist family of origin was pretty much obliterated by the time I was 18, which means I have been out of that sick and twisted system longer than I was in it.  But did I walk out of a world dominated by narcissists into a kinder, gentler one free of narcissists? Hell NO.

Transitioning from a NFOO into adulthood was like surviving a devastating car crash, and wandering away from the scene of the accident in severe shock and with a bad head injury. I entered adulthood traumatized, and I didn’t even know it.  Trauma is not a good foundation in which to build a life. Trauma is not the basis of practical choices and wise decisions. I entered into adulthood with my navigation and response systems compromised, and all my safety mechanisms corrupted. In short: I was brainwashed, with no boundaries and set to fight or flight mode. I had the narcissists to thank for erasing everything in me that would keep me safe in a dangerous world. I was groomed by wolves to be attractive to wolves.

Growing up in a “family” dominated by narcissists is akin to being raised in a cult. I wrote about this in the post Narcissistic Abuse is Soul Murder where I compared it to being imprisoned in a police state a la Big Brother. There is absolute control, invasion of privacy, brainwashing, punishment for original thought, isolation, silencing, secretiveness, group think, fraud and dictatorship to name a few.

Being raised in a NFOO is also like being combat soldiers on the front lines of war:  facing the enemy without back-up, running as bullets fly and ducking for cover as grenades are tossed, and always living in a state of fear and apprehension as we nervously wait for the next bomb to drop. We could never relax.  We were never safe from harm. We were hostages fighting to survive in a war that we didn’t sign-up for. Yup, we ACONs were thrust out into the world brainwashed combat vets and POW survivors with post-war trauma. But no one would know this just by looking at us. Except of course, the enemy… other narcissists.

This most insidious aspect of narcissistic abuse is this: we were groomed by predators FOR predators.  It’s like the trafficking of human souls.  Are all these evil fucks in it together? Is the cult of narcissistic abuse a form of organized crime?  All I can say is; the narcs that trained me have blood on their hands. I was their human sacrifice to the world of predators and they are in collusion with every evil, sick fuck that ever harmed me. My narcissist parents shoved me out into the world with a map directing me toward a life of traumatic events and abusive relationships.  

Having personal boundaries repeatedly trampled by N parents and siblings to the point where the lines of me and others no longer exists, is utterly selfish and cruel.  The narcissist parent TRAINS the child to ignore the warning signs of danger so THEY can gain access and violate us without any interference.  When you make boundary trespassing “normal” you just set the child up to be exploited. Because isn’t that what boundaries are: an early warning detection system to keep out intruders? Yup. Those N parents are as merciless as they come. In addition to the abuse at THEIR hands, the N parent primes the child to be abused by the rest of the world and sets them up for a life of hazardous relationships. And because life among the NFOO is so dangerous, we essentially enter the world alone, as orphans with no support system. We are first rate narc bait without a safety line. We ACONs are simply irresistible to predators. Yum, yum.  Let the feeding frenzy begin.

A few years after I had fled to the opposite end of the country to a city where I didn’t know anyone, and with only $200 bucks in my pocket, I had a long distance chat with malignant narc mother.  I told MNM about a couple of shitty experiences I had starting out in the big city, but there were tons. She became incredibly hostile and snapped, “Why do these things always happen to YOU?!” I remember saying, “I don’t know. Bad luck? It’s not my fault. Why can’t you give me the benefit of the doubt?” She screamed back at me, “I would NEVER give YOU the benefit of the doubt!” It wasn’t long after that, that I went no contact for good. I have not seen or spoke to the vicious, psycho, malignant monster in 22 years. Looking back at that conversation I think of things like, “Yeah ‘mom’ why do these things always happen to ME?” I was fucking set-up by YOU and the other narcs! That’s why! Interestingly enough, malignant narcissist sister has never been exploited and abused as an adult. Want to know why? Because she was trained to be a PREDATOR. 

And as far MN mother callously lacking any and all concern for my wellbeing - what the hell should I expect? She’s a malignant narcissist. Malignant narcissists train you to bend-over for abuse, and then despise you for taking it. It truly is a Catch – 22. 

Even before I discovered malignant narcissism and was FINALLY able to slap a label on the “family” freak show, I was fully aware of N parent’s extreme limitations.  Friends that I made in the big city I fled to were always perplexed by my background. They would ask me, “Do your parents know where you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Do they wonder where you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Don’t they care how you are?” I would answer, “No.” They would ask, “Why?! Why?! Why?!” My stock response was, “They’re not capable of caring.”  Funnily enough, I even had an N friend say to me, “In all the time I have known you, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why your parents hate you.” I replied, “Maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s them.” And incidentally, I never told anyone my parents hate me. I guess they just equated their indifference with hate, which is not a stretch as indifference is the opposite of love.

So, as you can see; I was no fool. I was onto something. I went NO CONTACT for good with MN mother and MN sister in my early 20’s. I knew at a fairly young age that my NFOO was dangerous and that I was better off without them. But despite my survival instincts, I still got involved with narcissists because of my special prior training.

Being raised in a home dominated by narcissists is not just a case of my family sucks so I’m outta here, and that’s the end of the insanity.  On no. Not a chance. I really wish it was that simple. For me, it was a case of my family sucks and no matter how far I run they continue to suck and suck and suck and suck. Narcissistic abuse is like a gigantic leech that latches on and continues to feed.  No matter where you go, no matter what you do, the narcissist’s voice lives inside of you (that should be a dysfunctional family greeting card). 

Remember all those cults that sprung-up in the 1970’s, and how those poncho wearing, pot-smoking, and sometimes just naive teenage hippies had to be “rescued” by their parents? But the parents didn’t do the actual rescuing.  The parents had to hire people that were specially trained at removing/kidnapping people from cults and de-programming them. I remember seeing documentaries on the subject. The “deprogrammers” would snatch the kid, shove them in a van, and then take them to a hotel room where there were no outside influences – NONE - and the deprogramming would commence.

And therein lies the reason why the adult children of narcissists are not free from abuse simply because they have escaped their family of origin - outside influences; other narcissists. How can you deprogram if members of the same cult keep slithering into your life?  You can’t!  It is IMPOSSIBLE to mitigate the effects of narcissistic abuse if your life continues to be infiltrated by narcissists.

I may have encountered “lesser narcissists” after my NFOO, but they were narcissists just the same. And even if some of these “relationships” were only short lived, there was still damage.  It seemed I was always cleaning-up after these fuckers.  And when I finally got rid of one infestation, there would be another. I swear these narcs are like cockroaches: you can’t leave any tasty crumbs around for them to snack on. NOT A CRUMB. 

The aftershock of narcissistic abuse has been more devastating to me than the original abuse. The "big one" hit in my NFOO, I survived it and walked away. What I didn’t count on was the ripple effect: numerous smaller quakes repeatedly hitting me in the same spot at unpredictable and random intervals. Narcissists on the outside strike like terrorists. At least in a N home, there is some predictability, and if your parent isn't a stalker, there is the possibility of a clean exit strategy.  But when N abuse becomes a part of your adult life - when you can't stop trying to get blood out of a stone - there seems to be no escape. It's never ending. You say to yourself "I guess most people are just like that." Or, "maybe something is wrong with me?" As Anna V said, the only thing wrong with us ACONs is that we tolerate narcissists. So please NEVER confuse being shell-shocked and brainwashed with a busted compass and non-existent security and support system as being damaged or defective. Only narcissists want you to believe that, and it is only narcissists that are truly deserving of the description: damaged, disordered and defective. It is the mutant narcissist who is lacking in everything that makes us human.    

So we ACONs are shell-shocked soldiers walking right into another battle. A battle that never ends until we figure-out the enemy. They say knowing your enemy is half the battle. This is true, especially when you discover it's not you, it's THEM - The Narcissists!  And the only way to win the battle is to closely study your enemy and know your own weakness; the ones that your N parents cultivated in you during narc abuse training camp.  Only when you truly understand the enemy and know yourself will you be properly protected.  That's what this blog is about.

So as I wrap up this post, I notice a fellow soldier has found their way here by asking the Google oracle: what does it truly mean to be narcissist free? 

To me, it means the war is my mind is finally over. It’s the end of battling the narcissist’s influence on my thoughts, feelings and behavior.  I'm happy to report that part of the war is over for me. DONE. Narcissists no longer have any influence on me. Well… except for pissing me off. And I am well aware that narcissists will always exist, they are out there and they are numerous, and there's a part of me that humbly accepts that I will always be vulnerable. The only thing I can do, that any of us can do, is know the enemy and know thyself. 

And while you're at it, throw loads of love at yourself and NEVER love anyone that can't love you back.            

                                  

A Special Valentine's Day Presentation Of The World's Douchiest Narcissist

Some of you may already be familiar with the story of James Sears.  He is responsible for two very disturbing yet laughable voicemails that went viral about 4 years ago.  He calls himself “Dimitri the Lover” and he is one of the most infamous narcissist ever to be exposed via social media.  For those of you not familiar with the douchetacular Dimitiri, I’ll quickly fill you in. He is Canadian, and he is a former … wait – for – it …... wait – for – it….. PSYCHIATRIST,  who lost his license after being convicted of sexually assaulting female patients in 1994.  

The story goes:  A woman named “Olga” was out with her friends having drinks on King Street, the entertainment district of downtown Toronto. A guy approached her and wouldn’t leave her alone, telling her how cute she was and badgering her for her phone number. In an effort to get rid of the guy, Olga gave in, and handed him her business card.

The audio below is a MP3 file of not one, but two voicemails from "Dimitri" to Olga. Instead of returning his calls, Olga promptly called a local radio station and got them to broadcast the telephone messages on their morning show. The rest is history.

Listen and cringe to the most glaring example of narcissistic injury, delusions, hostility, projection and gaslighting to ever disgrace the airwaves.  Let the romance begin.....

Are your ears bleeding? Do you need to take a shower to wash away the slime that oozed from the "elegant" wordsmith known as Dimitri? I swear this guy speaks in sperm. And If these aggressive voicemails weren't enough to make you throw-up a little in your mouth, then here’s a little more background on this predator courtesy Jezebel.com.

“Dimitri a.k.a. James Sears.  And yeah, if all the "there's nothing wrong with me" talk on his voicemail wasn't a red enough flag for you, maybe the 1986 concern of the military psychiatrist who evaluated him during his enlistment in the Canadian Army that there was "something seriously wrong" with him is? But don't take it from those shrinks; his psychiatric evaluation when he went to med school states that he got drunk and high on call, made "numerous random and obsessive telephone calls" to women during which he would (only sometimes) jerk off, and was generally immature and narcissistic - but not enough to deny him a medical license.

Maybe they didn't know about the mace, stun gun and EMPTY HAND GRENADE CANISTERS cops reported finding in his room after he tried to enter a female officer's dorm? Anyway, he failed to "grow up" much, spending his residency masturbating six or seven times a day at work and garnering complaints from female patients, one of whom finally pressed sexual assault charges, to which he pled guilty and got out of practicing medicine so he could work as a “medical investigator” offering a second opinion on... SEXUAL HARRASSMENT SUITS.” 

Oh how the medical profession watches out for the public. They think nothing of bestowing licenses on one dangerous head case after the other.  And yes, Dimitri the Creepy is for real, and alive and well and living in Toronto. Despite public ridicule; this shameless, deluded, fame-whoring narc loved the attention and notoriety the voicemails brought him and he annointed himself a “Seduction Guru” and renowned “Pick-up Artist.” He spreads his knowledge on the art of being crass, vile and predatory via his website, seminars and twitter feed.

Below is the entire transcript of Dimitri’s voicemails for your mockery and analysis.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

May all your dreams of exposing bat-shit-crazy narcissists come true. 

Message 1:

Hey Olga, it's Dimitri.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and needed to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I thought I had better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I approached you. I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me six or seven times a day. But I'm extremely particular about what I like. You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous — even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm extremely particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. I don't know if you picked up the message on the weekend but I'm working on a movie script so I'll be doing that all weekend…

This looks like a land line, and if it is you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and we'll get together for coffee or drinks, and let the romance begin. You looked very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that wasn't timidness, I hope it was just shock at being approached so directly. Because I don't really date timid women, because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a woman who is very independent and strong. So… we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Olga? Talk to you soon, bye.

Message 2:

Hi there, Olga it's Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street.

I left you a message several days ago you said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages but I like you, you're a very elegant woman, you're very attractive, but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you're playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here's how it's gonna work. It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I'll assume, I'll assume that you've already left work, because, you know, some people leave work early, so I'll grant you that. But if I don't receive a phone call back from you by 3 o'clock Thursday afternoon I'm no longer interested and I'm going to erase your number. I don't play games like that. I'm completely single, I'm very intelligent, I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months; I had a long distance relationship for about a year, it's very tough to maintain it like that; there's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you the three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you by then, you lose my number - I'm erasing your number right now, so you won't be hearing back from me.

So that's it: three o'clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you've got other issues, maybe you're not playing games, I don't know… maybe you were abused in childhood?…Maybe your mother has cancer, and you're going to chemo…maybe you're just a person who's extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you're on some medication for that…I don't know, there could be another issue that I'm not aware of. But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. You let me know, if you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested. But if you're psychologically normal, and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible thing that's happened in your life that's prevented you from returning my calls, that's fine. But otherwise? Don't call me. Okay, bye.