Our mind is our most scared possession. And it’s
much too valuable to hand over to someone who wants to trash it – a narcissist.
The gates to our mental garden should never be left open to anyone. My
gate was kicked open at a young age, and the narcissists eagerly invaded and
trampled my garden. It took years of undoing their destruction to rebuild it
and nurture it back to health. I’m still tending to my mental garden and always
will be. The narcissist’s taught me a valuable lesson: don’t let anyone
into your head.
Our innermost boundary of privacy is our mind. We
live there and it’s private property. KEEP OUT! Whoever wants in, wants to make
a mess of it. So, BEWARE.
You have the right to control what passes in and
out of your mind. You own it. Your mind is yours alone so take damn good
care of it. It’s up to you to keep an orderly mind because you are the one who
incurs the consequences of what lives there. You have a right to privacy. You
have a right to think and believe what YOU want.
The narcissist is always trying to weasel their
way into your head because once they’ve snuck-in they can control you. They
gaslight routinely. They plant destructive messages and evil seeds of doubt.
They belittle, criticize, embarrass and flatter. A confused, off-balance
and insecure victim is easier to manipulate.
Don’t let the narcissist snack on you mentally.
If you give them a taste, they will devour you whole. Malignant narcissists are
mental predators who carefully study their prey. They are always watching and
listening to you. They badger, bait and trap you. Don’t let out information
they can use to exploit you. Don’t let in information they can use to control
and manipulate you. Hone that mental filter because the narcissist NEVER means
well. And you can count on this: once you let them into your head, they
will never leave. They’re like mental tapeworms.
All malignant narcissists are inveterate snoops,
busybodies, gossips and liars. They are constantly on an expedition to pry
information out of you. The information is always used to manipulate
you; embarrass you; frame-you; damage your reputation; control you; blackmail
you and come between you and the people and things you love. Zip those
lips up tight. Play your mental cards very close to your vest and protect your
borders.
The narcissist isn’t about to give away all their
personal information. On the contrary, the narcissist is guarded and their
boundaries are very strong. The narcissist understands damn well that
information in the wrong hands is a dangerous thing. But they feel entitled
to know everything about you because they are greedy. Don’t ever let
them guilt-trip you into giving-up something they never would.
Malignant narcissists are pathological
gossips. The essence of gossip is to dirty-up people. The narcissist wants to
dirty-up everyone. Making others look bad makes
them look good. They also make themselves look good by placing
themselves ABOVE others as their JUDGE, and dumping their
toxic projections onto others. Never believe anything that comes out
of the narcissist’s mouth. Their only form of communication is judgment,
criticism, gossip, lies, slander, projection and subtle
manipulation. Never trust them with one iota of information on you (Read:
VERY VERY SNEAKY). NEVER let down your guard at the N's transparent
attempts at magnamity. It's all a ploy to draw you closer
so you'll be easier to attack and easier to pin as the fall
guy for their scum of the earth dirty work.
Healthy, safe people are always direct in their
interactions with you. Narcissists are NEVER direct. EVER. Controlling someone
mentally means sneaking in and out of their headspace without getting caught.
Malignant narcissists are slippery creatures. They slither into your mind
hoping to dig-up dirt, and then slither out of your mind intending to spread
the dirt. I would describe malignant narcissists as “slimy” mental perverts and
voyeurs.
I’ve conjured up a couple of scenarios to
illustrate my point.
Here’s an example, maybe something hurtful and
humiliating has happened to you. Maybe you found out your boyfriend is cheating
on you. You would never tell the narcissist about this, but through the
narcissist’s predatory parasitic ways, she has gleaned this information on you,
and you KNOW IT. The resulting conversation with the narcissist might
sound something like this. The narcissist will say, “It’s so sad when someone
is cheated on and they don’t even know it. God, can you imagine how
embarrassing that would be?” I feel so sorry for people who are betrayed. What
would you do, if it happened to you?” And the narcissist snake slithers in and
out and around your headspace. The narcissist gaslights, humiliates and pokes
at you in an effort to break you down so that you will confide in her. She
salivates at the thought of obtaining more information to use against you.
Here’s another example; you’ve bought a brand new
car and you just love it. You don’t tell the narcissist about this because any
information the narcissist has on you just invites the narcissist inquisition.
They need to know EVERYTHING. How can you afford that new car? Did you get a
raise? Why did you buy that car? What deranged, abusive meaning can the
narcissist ascribe to you purchasing a new car? Knowledge is power for the
devious malignant narcissist.
Again, through their treachery, the narcissist
has discovered that you bought a brand new car. They know the exact model.
Instead of saying – like a normal person – “Hey, I heard you just bought a new
SAAB.” The narcissist will say, “You know I’m thinking about buying a new car.
What do you think of the new SAABS? I don’t think I could afford one. What do
you think the down payment and lease would be?”
Do you see how slippery and slimy and deceitful
narcissists are? They are the antithesis of up-front and honest. The narcissist
is forever hiding. They are nefarious frauds, twirling their thin moustache,
and peeking out behind their swirling black cape of lies. Exploiting people in
this way reveals the contempt in which narcissists hold others. There is
absolutely no reason for the narcissist to be shady and secretive, except to
give themselves a narcissistic boost. They enjoy toying with people even if
nothing significant depends on it because it makes them feel powerful. They lie
and trick to amuse themselves. Successful head-games prove their superiority and
the stupidity of others. It’s the way the narcissist operates in the world.
It’s how they think they obtain power.
So you call the narcissist’s bluff on the SAAB
bull-shit. Remember, you know that she knows you bought a new car. You say to
her, “Why do you keep talking about SAABS? Why the sudden interest in SAABS? ”
The narcissist explodes in a narcissistic rage. “Why the hell can’t I talk
about cars?! What’s it to you?! What’s your problem?! It takes two to have a
conversation!”
“It takes two to have a conversation.” Gag. This
is a common line the narcissist uses when they’re playing head games during a
“conversation” and you make notice of their deception. Yeah right. A
“conversation” is nothing but a game for them. In fact, every interaction with
a narcissist is nothing but a game. And it takes two to play the game: a
narcissist and an unsuspecting victim, an object – their chess piece. And we
are the ones with a problem when we call them on their duplicity.
When I was younger, after hanging out with an
Nfriend(s), I would sometimes wake-up a few days after the encounter
pissed-off. Usually the N deposited a toxic message into my head,
but the assault was engineered so subtly that it just escaped me at
the time. It would usually take a few days, after the
fact, to decode their destructive message because they always employed
sneaky methods to confuse and disarm me at the time of assault. And, if
and when I called them on it, in true N fashion they would deny, dismiss and
evade, or say the standard, “You’re too sensitive.”
If you listen real carefully to what the
narcissist says, you will find that their thinking patterns are entirely
circular. They go round, and round trying to spin your brain into a state of confusion.
They hope to make you so dizzy and disoriented that you will give into their
demands, whatever they may be.
Narcissists drop shit in your head, they stir up
trouble and they take the valuable stuff out. The harder it is for them to get
in, and move stuff around, and move stuff out the better. Pay very close
attention to your mental and emotional state when you are interacting with a
narcissist. Your anger, irritation, confusion, or frustration is like a burglar
alarm going-off and it should never be ignored. It alerts you to the fact that
you have an intruder present. The narcissist needs to know at the point of
entry that they have been discovered so they will stop doing their dirty work.
I remember having one of these annoying,
anti-logical, circular conversations with MN sister. I politely tried over and
over again to get off the phone with her. She was attempting, in a covert way,
to break me down so I would offer to run an errand for her majesty. She was
unrelenting in her efforts to get her way and I knew exactly what she was up
to. I was not going to give into her scheme. She was incensed that she
was unable to manipulate me, and said, “You know. You sound irritated. Maybe
you should take something for your moods. You might have a mood disorder.” Ha!
The narcissist would never consider themselves irritating. No, never. They’re
perfect. And once again, our natural reaction to their skeezy personality
means that we have a problem. It’s the gaslighting portion of their
mental terrorism.
As an ACoN (Adult Child of Narcissists) I’m done
with intruders violating my headspace. It took me decades to exorcise the
destructive messages that the narcissists dumped into my mind. I think that’s
why I am so adamantly opposed to analytic therapy for victims of narcissistic
abuse. I came across two malignant narcissists in my search for answers and
they tried to trash my mind. Just like all the other narcissists, they
were warped weirdos, gaslighters and projection machines who
were terrified of creative thinkers. What the hell gives them the
right to enter my headspace?! The “Dr.” before their names?! Fuck that! A
predator is a predator. A con job is a con job. The so-called mental health
profession is a PROFIT making enterprise and don’t ever forget it. The bad ones
are no better than the shady auto-mechanic who you take your car into, to fix a
certain problem. The mechanic lifts the hood and tinkers around and creates
another problem. You drive off with the original problem fixed, and
then you have to bring the car back in to get the problem that they
caused fixed. And it happens again and again. The shady auto-mechanic earns a
living causing endless problems in your car.
The mental health industry is a business that
thrives on vulnerable people, and it’s filled with mental manipulators and
mental rapists - narcissists. You have the right not to answer questions. You
have the right to say, “That’s private.” You have the right to ask, “What gives
you the right to ask me that?” The thing that I find so suspicious and
dangerous about therapy is that this complete stranger has all this information
on you, and you know nothing about them. It's not unlike what the narcissist
does to you. Talk about an imbalance of power. It is only upstanding,
healthy, safe people who will not abuse that power and they are more
difficult to find than a trustworthy auto mechanic.
The best advice I ever got was at the age of 21
from a psychic of all people. He read my tarot cards and looked-up and me and
said, “Stay away from your family. They’re not lucky for you. They’re crazy
just not confined. Your mother is PSYCHO. She wants to get inside your head.
She’s very destructive. A brown haired girl, your sister, is extremely jealous
of you.”
How’s that for cutting to the chase? How’s that
for practical advice? Sure beats the mounds of crap I let into my head from
lousy books, support groups, therapist, and doctors. It wasn’t until I
discovered malignant narcissism that I had the “why” fully figured out.
I’m done with “psychologizing” myself. When you
are suffering from the narcissist’s mental abuse you constantly live in
your head. You pick yourself apart. You question yourself. You try to figure
out what’s wrong with me, what did I do to make this
happen to me. Fuck that! Why the hell did that car careen into that innocent
pedestrian? The innocent pedestrian was just minding their own business. The
narcissist is no different than an out of control, fast moving SUV that is
ready to run-over whoever doesn’t get out of its way.
And what’s with these people who spend years, if
not decades, in therapy? Who are they? Woody Allen? They say, “My therapist
thinks blah blah blah…” What the hell do you think?! Have you merely
replaced the dependency of your controlling narcissist parent with a dependency
on a controlling therapist who is buying a beach house with your payments?!
Anyone who wants you to repeat what they say back
like a parrot is not to be trusted. They have ulterior motives. They are no
better than the devious narcissist. Isn’t the idea of therapy to go in
for a mental tune-up or get help with a life issue and get the hell out? You’re
supposed to learn practical tools that you can apply to your thinking
and behavior and move on – hopefully – toward a healthier life.
If you let anyone in to your mental sanctuary you
are allowing that person to judge you, and manipulate you and decide what you
think and believe. If you let a narcissist know what makes you tick,
you are inviting abuse: you are giving them the right to control your mind.
Pushed to its limits, you are giving the narcissist absolute power
over you. Possession of you. Psychological killing is only one step away from
physical killing.
Narcissists operate in the realm of the mind.
They don’t give a rat’s ass about you. They are only interested in information
they can use to manipulate, control, abuse, and exploit you. The narcissist’s
point of entry is your headspace. Block it. Barricade it. Fortify your
boundaries. Figure out who you are and what you stand for. A strong mind means
that YOU are in control of YOU. And it should give you great comfort to
know that the narcissist hates impenetrable minds and are intimidated by them.
No supply is given and none is taken. The starving narcissist moves on to feed
somewhere else.
We are born a single consciousness and we should
live and die a single consciousness.
But don’t take my word for it. Only you have
the right to decide what you think and believe.
