Secret Treacheries of
Covert Narcissistic Siblings
By
Linda Martinez-Lewi,
Ph.D. Narcissistic Personality Clinical Expert
Treachery is
a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists
are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.
When the
Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and
tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female
covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden
child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears
the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling”
since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.
The life
stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are
horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the
covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There
are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents
were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the
order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught
and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it
up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.
As the
covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains
unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning
form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass,
their identity. They are convinced that any assets belonging to the
parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer
every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a
penny. I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The
covert narcissist through a series of cunning maneuvers gains control of the
family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right
vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only
family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the
other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it
is too late.
Narcissistic
siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the
jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing
the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the
sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases
these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic
stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of
the covert sibling.
Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.
Recognize
the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue
to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move
into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace.
Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and
deserve.