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Something that I have always heard from the
narcissists in my life – the so-called Nfriend – is, “You’re such a strong person.”
This is met by me with a secret eye-roll. Of course I’m strong. I have no
other choice but to be strong. When you’re surrounded by narcissists there is
absolutely no support. This is also a get out of jail free card for the
narcissist. They can delude themselves into thinking they’re a good friend by
offering nothing and taking everything because “You’re so strong.” It’s an
excuse that the narcissist uses to justify withholding support of any kind
because the sad fact is, they have none to give. Narcissists are
anti-supportive. They are users. They are abusers. And they are always
looking for ways to rationalize their cold-blooded reptilian existence.
It is impossible to have a reciprocal
relationship with a non-human that lacks empathy and thinks only of themselves.
Anyone who has survived a family of narcissists and a world of the same
with their sanity intact is “strong” by virtue of the fact they survived a life
being exploited, neglected and abused.
Being "strong" and surviving a lifetime
of narcissistic abuse is fucking exhausting and it's what sends me
into isolation. Sometimes I say to myself, “I hate people.” But the truth
is, I hate the people I’ve known – narcissists. Yes, I hate narcissists. I’m
not going to mince words here. I loathe each and every one of them. My
indifference to them as people is a learned response that I gleaned from a
lifetime of enduring their pathology. I don’t give a flying fig about any of
them and I hope they know it. They taught me how NOT to care about them.
In brief, here’s what a relationship with a
narcissist looks like for the non-narcissist:
·
Being rejected and denied value as a person
·
Being degraded and having your self-worth and dignity as a person diminished
·
Being exploited and used for the narcissist’s profit or advantage
·
Being terrorized by intimidation, control, coercion, and stalking
·
Being denied care, affection, and attention of any kind
·
Being dismissed, humiliated, manipulated, and belittled
·
Being violated by pathological envy, greed, and entitlement
·
Being plundered, pillaged and systematically destroyed
Narcissistic abuse tears at a person’s self-worth
and manifests in social withdrawal, anxiety, fearfulness, depression,
self-blame and self-destructive behaviour. It results in feelings of guilt,
shame, inadequacy and powerlessness. Is it any wonder that my coping mechanism
of choice has been to hide from a world of narcissists?
An unsupportive world of narcissists is all I’ve
known. And that hard reality is by far the most difficult thing to come
to terms with about my narcissistic upbringing. I despise them for
brainwashing me and training me into accepting the same abuse from their
kind. This has done great damage to my life. If the narcissists
from my “family” were the only ones I’ve known, I wouldn’t be writing this
Blog. It is a lifetime of enduring the cruelty of narcissists
that has brought me here. And it hasn’t been easy.
If I added-up the months that I’ve isolated from
a world of N ghouls it would amount to years. I’ve lost years hiding
from the abuse of narcissists. By isolating, I was essentially protecting
myself from harm. And each and every time I gathered my resources, picked
myself up and stepped back out into the N world, I have been knocked back down…
each time harder than the last. I think the more one gets pounded down by
narcissists, the more vulnerable one becomes and this attracts an
even more vicious type of predator. Malignant narcissists
are odious creatures that can instinctively sense victims who have
been primed by their own kind.
One does not get stronger by experiencing a world
of unrelenting abuse. It’s a brutal cycle that causes unbearable shame and
forces the victim to withdraw. The victims of narcissists - those
so-called “strong people” - end up hating themselves for being reduced to a
hostage of their pain and suffering while being forced to
put up a brave front. And the vile narcissist is able to walk away
as if nothing has happened, and as far as they are concerned, nothing has. Like
sharks, narcissists injure and kill cold-bloodedly and keep on moving. It is
always others that suffer, NOT the narcissist.
Why do we isolate under duress? What else can we
do? We are normal people who have been placed in a pervert’s warped world. We
are normal people acting on normal human principles and having
those principles play right into the narcissist’s perverted premises. We
are right side up, the narcissist is upside down. Being in a family of
narcissists; having relationships with narcissists; being surrounded by
narcissists doesn't feel normal because it isn't normal to take abuse. It
prompts us to fight or flee.
I’ve fought back and believe me I have been
condemned for it. Why does this always happen to you?! What did you do to
them?! You're so confrontational! Your anger frightens me. Don’t be so
difficult! You seem fine to me... it's over, move-on! You're strong...
take the high road! Don't give them the satisfaction. Say nothing! Just take-it
and act like it didn’t happen!
The merciless suppression by the rest of the
world over the victim's efforts at self-defence is what really breaks
us. Who is strong enough to withstand the abuse of the narcissists
AND the jumping on our backs of everyone else who doesn’t want to hear
about it because it makes them uncomfortable… So uncomfortable in fact,
that they must minimize the reality of our experience and assign the cause
of the abuse to the victim by way of blame and pathology. They
jump on us for fighting back; they jump on us for causing it; they jump on
us for complaining; and they jump on us for being depressed. So
the callous bystanders pile on and do to us what the narcissist
couldn't achieve - they break our back and crush what’s left of
our most precious possession, our self-concept as a solid
person. And this is how we become exactly what everyone wants to
label us because no one has a strong enough backbone to withstand all that
abuse. We become demoralized and retreat into a state of withdrawal
and isolation.
Those targeted by narcissists long to be
HEARD, but they are universally abandoned when they go in search for
help, support, care and understanding. No one will ever get "it”
unless "it" happens to them. That’s why isolation - “fleeing” – is
the safest way to recover from narcissistic abuse. It helps you avoid more
abuse from a world of heartless bystanders who get irritated by
your sad face and punish you for fighting back.
Those that have experienced it need no explanation.
Those that have not experienced it there is
no explanation.
Any way you slice it, enduring narcissistic
abuse is an isolating experience.