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I titled this post “How To Play A
Narcissist” because based on the most popular key search words listed in my
blog stats, that’s what people want to know – how to fuck with a narcissist,
how to mess with a narcissist, piss off a narcissist, squash a narcissist, get
back at a narcissist, destroy a narcissist, drive a narcissist insane, and beat
a narcissist at his own game.
The general public isn’t searching for
information on how to “relate” with a narcissist because narcissists don’t
relate – narcissists play games. Every interaction with a narcissist is about
mind control and manipulation. In every interaction, the narcissist is
calculating formulas to come out on top. Figuring this out - that a “normal” human
interaction/relationship with a narcissist is impossible because you are merely
a chess piece in the game a narcissist is always playing and must always
play to win - is the first step. The second step is playing the game
by NOT playing the game. THAT’S how you mess with a narcissist, that’s how you
“PLAY” a narcissist. At least it’s one way, and it will be the focus of my
post.
A narcissist once said to me,
“Lisette, I’m finding you very difficult to read.” With a blank expression, I
looked him square in the eyes and shrugged. He turned away from me, and shook
his head in confusion. One the outside, I may have looked like an unemotional
automaton, but on the inside I was air punching and giving the N a devious
smirk. Not being able to “read” me was EXACTLY what I was aiming for. This
particular N got his jollies keeping women off-balance by making them feel
inadequate and insecure. I knew his game well. It had been “played” on me a
million times. Now I knew better. Before his eyes, I morphed into “Robot Mode”
and threw him off his game. Growing-up in a family with three full-blown
narcissists, where I was not allowed to feel anything or express
anything – even on my face – enabled me to perfect the art of Robot Mode.
I can’t tell you the number of times MN mother and father sniped: “Wipe that
look off your face, or I’ll wipe it off for you!”
But the Robot Mode I’m talking about
now is not the same hiding place I retreated to as a child or a young adult.
It’s not a mode of mental or emotional withdrawal, in fact, it’s just the
opposite. It’s about conducting yourself like a sharply honed machine that
takes in data from the narcissist, quickly assimilates it and responds
accordingly. It’s about staying very present around a narcissist, and focusing
on the narcissist’s behavior, not how the narcissist makes you feel. Sure, the
narcissist may very well succeed at making you feel insecure, angry, guilty or
ashamed but in the presence of a narcissist, you cannot focus on your feelings
because then you will emote. Feel it, you’re only human, but don’t reveal it…
to a narcissist.
Actors are trained to “emote” for the
camera so they can convey to the movie audience what they are thinking and
feeling. But because film screens are so huge, actors must learn the art of
subtlety so they don’t look like they are over-acting. They show the audience
what’s going on inside of them with understated clues. For example, a squint,
an arched eyebrow, a hand gesture, a scratch, a change in posture etc. – these
are all “tells.”
In the game of poker – and remember
narcissists are always playing games – a “tell” is any physical
reaction, change in behavior, demeanor or habit that gives clues about your
hand. A player gains an advantage if they observe and understand the meaning of
another’s tell, particularly if the tell is unconscious.
Narcissists continually play this
clandestine game of me versus you, and they never stop scanning their
(unsuspecting) opponent for verbal and non-verbal cues that they can exploit to
gain the upper hand. Playing people is what they do. They play to win and they
don’t like to be challenged. Never let a narcissist know what’s in your hand.
How do you challenge a narcissist in
this game? Like I said, by giving them nothing – zero, zip, nada. Play your
cards close to your vest, put on your poker face, and don’t give away any
“tells.” The narcissist’s game is mental. It’s all about controlling and
manipulating your THOUGHTS. Your emotions and behaviors are connected to your
feelings and your feelings are connected to your thoughts, so the narcissist
pays very close attention to people’s reactions and to everything they say and
do. They are manipulation machines that constantly regulate your reactions so
they can plant thoughts into your head that you think are yours. But these
THOUGHTS are not yours; they are nasty seeds of doubts planted by the
narcissist game player who wants to control your mind. Yup, thoughts planted in
your head by someone else is plain and simple mind-control. It’s the basis of
narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are essentially
technicians who search for a precise technique that they can turn into a
formula for success. They are programmed to do what works. The narc machine
knows to get “Y” kind of reaction, do an “X” kind of behavior or to get “Y”
kind of reaction say an “X” kind of thing. Narcissists know that certain types
of behavior elicits a particular type of response. They acquire these stock
behaviors as children and then they become habits. These nasty habits soon
become second nature, and eventually ARE the narcissist’s true nature.
Narcissists all seem to be hard-wired the same way. Maybe that’s the reason
they all seem to follow the same set of instructions – what many ACONs have
referred to as the “Narc Handbook.”
You need to distance yourself
psychologically and emotionally from narcissists. To beat a narcissist machine,
you must think and behave like a machine. In Robot Mode you do not respond to
emotional and psychological stimuli. Robots are detached. They don’t emote. Robots
don’t react. A Robot’s hard drive (your mind and emotions) cannot be tampered
with. Remember; despite the narcissist's unfeeling nature, they are very aware
that YOUR emotions fuel how you see and experience your reality, and your
perceptions ultimately drive your behavior. When our emotions are
out-of-control, our perceptions become obscured and this can drive us to
self-destructive acts. Bingo! The scheming narcissists wants you to
self-destruct, and an emotionally uncontrolled target with combat fatigue is
ripe for a hijacking.
The Narcissist's lack of affect is
particularly valuable to them. They can respond to situations without being
constrained by principles, morality or feelings. They can callously use people
without the slightest thought for their welfare, and at the same time smile to
their face while “playing” them, which usually involves exploitation of some
sort, and plotting and scheming behind their back. So, as you can see, a lack
of affect works well for the narcissist, and a lack of affect can also work for
you. Particularly, when the narcissist machine is trying to get the desired
reaction from you. In other words, “information” (verbal or non-verbal,
conscious or unconscious cues) they can use to EXPLOIT you.
So, the narcissist learns formulas to
achieve the desired effect: to get a certain kind of reaction from you.
The old saying “they do what works” is very true. All that matters to the N is
how they appear in the mirror of your face. Nothing else is any consideration.
Not morality, consequence, or the good of the other person. Narcissists only
look at others to see how others are REACTING to them. The narcissist is not
connected to themselves in any real way. They are connected to an image that is
reflected back to them. The face doesn’t matter – you don’t matter – only the
expression on the face does. The narcissist is someone who goes through life
fixated on images, which amounts to the “right” kind of looks on other people’s
faces. And you aren’t even responsible for the expression on your face… or the
“right” look. The narcissist is! By sheer manipulation, the narcissist has
manufactured in you, his/her desired mirror image.
Essentially, narcissists have figured
out a formula to get you to unwittingly collude in their game of delusions and
lies. They are shady tricksters who adjust their image and manipulate you in
order to meet the demands of their narcissism. So what kind of impression does
their narcissism demand? What is the most potent reflection in their
mirror? POWER. That’s what the narcissist lusts after – POWER. Nothing
makes a narc feel grander. Nothing gives a narcissist a bigger high than
POWER. Even if that power is reflected in the frightened eyes of a
vulnerable child. Pretty sick – huh?
Power can look like many different
things in each of the narcissist’s mirrors. One that comes to mind is
confusion. The evil narcissist gets something akin to a drug rush seeing
confusion reflected back. Confusion means that the narcissist has gained access
to your mind, and mind-control is the name of the game when it comes to
narcissistic abuse.
At the beginning of the post I
mentioned that I confused a narcissist because he found me hard to “read.”
Narcissists use sneaky, subtle ways to aggrandize themselves, and get you to
reflect back to them their desired mirror image. This particular narc was
playing me so that I would bounce back a look that would make him feel
psychologically dominant. But I wouldn’t engage/react and this confused him.
Psychological domination is the most glorious form of power for the malignant
narcissist. In fact, any negative reaction the narcissist elicits in you
makes him feel powerful. For the narcissist, it’s all about destroying his
opponent bit by bit, piece by piece. Engaging in the narcissist’s game is like
offering up your juiciest vein and letting the narcissist stick a needle in it,
and feed his poison to you intravenously. Drip, drop, drip, drop. Slowly but
surely the narcissist destroys his victim.
Now real power for a narcissist is seeing
people miserable and heart-broken and begging for mercy. I’m not saying
morph into an expressionless Robot and stand there and take abuse and not fight
back. I’m suggesting you give the narcissist nothing, no reaction, and get the
hell away from them. Narcissists are black and white, Jekyll and Hyde and
sometimes that’s how you have to react to them. In other words, all or nothing.
If it’s safe to do so, give it right back to them, get away, or give them
nothing at all. It’s your call. Every situation is unique.
Feeling good? Feeling fine? Feeling
happy? Well, that’s out of line. Unless the narcissist is the cause of your
happiness, they don’t want to see it in your face when they look at you. Narcs
hate you for being happy, so they will do whatever it takes to make you
unhappy.
Narcissists see no value in people
other than what they can get from them as supply. There is an inner emptiness,
a massive dark void beneath their slick machine-like operating system, and as a
result, they are cold and calculating and everything they say and do is
systematically premeditated for effect – to get the desired look, reaction or
behavior from you. I would rather give my toaster oven a big hug over a narc.
If I want comforting, I will turn to my toaster. So give your toaster oven a
big hug because that piece of metal has more feeling for you than a narcissist
ever will. And it will also broil cheese on toast for you. Now that’s
comforting.
Morphing into Robot Mode around a
narcissist is not about numbness, and disassociating. It’s about applying cold
calculating machinations on someone who is trying to get into your head and
mess with it. It’s about “appearing” to be an unfeeling machine toward the
narcissist, just like the narcissist is toward you. Robot Mode is essentially
disengaging from the narcissist’s game. It's about being self-controlled and
alert because a lack of emotional control will always make you
vulnerable to a narcissist.
Now those who have had the life sucked
out of them by a narcissist really are hollowed-out zombies. They are the
people that’s souls have been murdered but their body is still living. They are
dead inside. They are the people who we regard as having the lights on, but no
one’s home. I say dupe the narcissist into believing they have erased your
brain. Your lights may appear “out” but someone is most definitely home;
placing booby traps, setting alarm systems, and standing by the door in the
dark with a baseball bat ready to bash-in the head of the narc intruder.
Narcs have a way of controlling and
manipulating people’s emotions without even trying. Not letting a narc “read”
you is like refusing to let them know where you live, or where you hide your
house keys or what your home security code is. Don’t give it up to a
narcissist. Invalidate them. Have you ever gotten a reptilian stare back and
zero response from a narc while you’re having a face-to-face conversation with
one, and after you’ve told them something that was important to you? I have.
That dead air is a way for them to invalidate you. That weird silence is a way
for them to communicate that a response to you is not worth their breath. They
outright ignore you like you aren’t even there. And the N machine doesn’t even
flinch while he does this. Well, I say we invalidate and ignore the narcissist
right back. When they look at the mirror of your face to gaze upon their
reflection, reflect nothing back. Let the narcissist see nothing, let the
narcissist feel like he does not exist. So how do we do this? Robot Mode.
Robot Mode is about reflecting NOTHING
back to the narcissist. It’s about taking away the narcissist’s mirror.
So, here’s how I am when I am visiting
planet narcissism – without witnesses - in the presence of the only narcissist
I have a relationship: I am a Robot. Yup, that’s right. No noticeable joy and
happiness, no sadness, no anger, nothing much in between. No emotions, period.
No reactions, no reflections. I don’t want to give the narcissist any ammo. I
refuse to engage. I keep a low profile and don’t draw attention to myself.
Sadly, this is exactly what the narcissist wants: for others to be mindless
automatons, a non-person who won't make them feel bad or usurp their attention.
The thing is; I give the narcissist nothing. I've grown completely indifferent
to them. No attention, no regard, no reason to attack. Hell, I’m a Robot;
just like the narcissist and I’m not capable of a normal human interaction on
planet narcissism and I’m devoid of all supply.
Be your own Robot Commando. Obey YOUR
every command, NOT the narcissist's. Be in charge of YOU.
