Narcissists Lust For 'Power Over' Others

Forcing Submission

by

Anna Valerious of Narcissists Suck Blog

Every abuser, every narcissist, every psychopath, every rapist, arsonist, every sociopath is after one thing: POWER. Power over others. This is an outgrowth of the narcissistic need to have all attention focused on them. We already understand that attention is the drug that the narcissist pursues at every moment. This is the core motivation that moves them. There are natural branches that sprout off this trunk and the desire for power over others is one of them. The intoxicating thrill of absolute power is the biggest high they can get from their drug of choice.

The extent to which an individual will pursue their quest for power is determined only by what they feel they can get away with. No small part of this is how much they fear authority or the law. The narcissist mother will not pursue absolute power to the degree that the psychopathic serial killer will. But make no mistake – both are consumed by the quest for power over others.

Unchecked pursuit of power is destructive and merciless as well as escalating. As Proverbs 27:20 says in the Contemporary English Version, “Death and the grave are never satisfied, and neither are we.” The grave never protests when someone dies, “We’re full up here. We aren’t accepting any more death, sorry.” Death is always ready to open up her insatiable arms for yet another. So is the lust that drives the malignant narcissist of all brands and stripes. Never satisfied. Never Satiated. Never full.

Kathy Krajco defined what absolute power looks like:

What is absolute power? It’s absolute control, possession. Surely you have recognized the lust for it in bizarre crimes committed by psychopaths. Mike DeBardeleben, a sexual sadist serving a life sentence wrote in his journal that it is “to force her to undergo suffering without being able to defend herself.”

“Without being able to defend herself” are key words. It isn’t enough to torment the victim: this must be done in a way that keeps her from resisting. That’s absolute power, possession…This is the ultimate in mental cruelty = making the victim bend over for it. Then the sick-o gets to pretend that the victim truly does “want it,” has ceased to exist as a person (with a free will and the most basic human right – the right to self-defense) and is but an appendage of his that he thus “proves” his absolute power over.

All narcissists do this one way or another: they don’t merely abuse, they FORCE SUBMISSION TO ABUSE. This makes them God, whose punishing wounds we are to shamefully accept as our fault. We are not to resist: we are simply to hang our heads as deserving of them… “What Makes Narcissists Tick” pgs. 104 – 105

Notice that what is required for this to work is for the narcissist to completely disarm their victim. No right to self-defense allowed! This is what they must strip you of first before they can go on to pretend that you are submitting to them of your own free will. Like they deserve such submission and like you’ve freely given it. Either they will use psychological tactics to get you to feel you have no right to defend yourself, or, as in the case of the serial killer, they will arrange your physical circumstances to make it impossible for you to defend yourself and then break you down mentally.

So, for the sake of the victim’s mental health, you must NEVER deny him or her the right to put up a fight.

Denying a person under any kind of assault this right is what theologians call the sin of “extreme perversity,” otherwise known as the Sin of Sodom, which is a certain kind of rape – RAPE, not sex – is symbolic.

It violates the laws of nature and the innate instinct for self-preservation. If the victim knuckles under to pseudo-moralistic pressure to not lift hand or voice in self-defense, he or she will become a suicide risk. That is forcing people to commit the worst breach of faith there is – with one’s very self. It’s self-betrayal, what Joan of Arc called the “most wretched treason.”

The victim NEEDS to know that he or she did what they could to resist their abuser! Don’t EVER try to stop the victim from doing that!

NEVER, never, never preach prime-time morality at the victim making it a sin for him or her to yell at the abuser. Though yelling may not be wise in all cases, it IS the victim’s RIGHT! It at least lets him or her preserve self-respect through showing a back bone.

I made a point in this post that your most fundamental right as a living being is the right to self-defense. It is this very right which the narcissist will first try to convince you that you don’t have.

“Turn the other cheek” is the pious phrasing far too many victims of abusers have gotten as advice when they desperately have sought for help with their situation. It is essential that victims of narcissists are re-armed with the knowledge of their right to self-defense if they are ever going to be able to resist and break the narcissist’s power over them.

Knowing that the narcissist is driven by their need for power over others, and knowing they are always in search of this headiest drug which is absolute power over others, then you’ll be aware that they must force your submission in order to feel powerful over you.

All this leads straight to the fact that a narcissist must deprive you of your right to defend yourself to accomplish this. THEY WILL ALWAYS DO THIS BY FRAUD, LIES AND THREATS. They will bring in their proxies to help them get you to submit to that which no one should ever have to submit to.

They want to pretend that your forced submission is a real submission… and this can only be done if they successfully deprive you of your ability to defend yourself.

Can you see how incredibly important it is to be fully aware of your right to NOT submit to abuse? I am convinced that no one breaks free of the power of a narcissist over them until they are able to claim for themselves the right to self-defense.

It is important to mention here one very tricky sleight-of-hand that a narcissist does to disarm someone from self-defense. This is accomplished by intentionally mislabeling your defensive behaviors as being “retribution” or “vengeance”. 

They accuse you of hurting THEM. They pretend to know your motives and lay the accusation that any efforts you make to defend yourself are actually coming from your desire to hurt THEM.

If they can convince you that you are being vengeful, or at least if they can convince you that others see you as being vengeful, then they can shut you down. Force your submission once again.  

How The Malignant Narcissist Tries To Systematically Destroy You, Through The System

Being publically accused of a crime one did not commit could lead a person to jump off a bridge. Once the information is out there, defending yourself, clearing your name, fighting suspicion and tolerating disdain is a horrible predicament.  

Facing a criminal investigation or prosecution is deeply unsettling. Most people find they can’t sleep at night. They worry continually about what will happen to them. They feel that they stand alone — against the police and the Crown prosecutor and the machinery of the criminal justice system. There are few things in life so stressful and upsetting.

People in positions of authority can form strong opinions with false information and take unwarranted retaliatory action from expulsion from the clan to spreading the false word. In Jane Eyre, the cruel headmaster tells the girls to let no one be her friend, take her hand or comfort her. You get the sense that this is the worst for Jane, worse than the head blow and the lack of bread.

If the accusations are not true, the person is in a situation that is similar to being bullied. Even if one is rich, successful, famous or “has it all,” the psychological devastation can be ruinous. If you are not believed, if you cannot fight back with the true story, if now you are distrusted and under scrutiny, the sense of helplessness is overwhelming. People with inner vulnerabilities are easy targets. Others sense the fragility and find it thrilling to gang up or attack. Having a scapegoat can help a group form a strong bond and find meaning in what could be otherwise empty lives.

It is widely known that people with certain kinds of pathology are brilliant at looking like victims when they are actually perpetrators. They can ruin the life of an innocent person. You can see this on Law and Order, learn it in Psych 101 or know it instinctively.

When you hear a story, consider the narrator. Who is this person? Why is she telling this story when she is? What feelings does she convey when she tells it? If there was true victimization, then the wish to retaliate is utterly understandable. You as the listener may feel like crying too. But what if the true story is not as it seems? You might have a strange lack of empathy. Sometimes people dramatize. Some lie or they feel so injured for rational or irrational reasons that they come to believe their own distortions. There are those who are at peace when they lie and those who toss, turn and torture themselves about doing so. In short, some people lie and some do not.

You might wonder as you listen, is this person truly seeking wellness, self-protection or justice or is the goal to destroy someone else? If a person is lying to hurt someone else it is a very aggressive act and the accuser needs help. Such choices do not foster a healthy existence with generous, loving relationships.

You might hear a tale of woe, and just have the feeling that the teller is not all that woeful. Maybe there is a need to blame or malign for secondary gain: attention, fame, money, importance or drama. Maybe the person is not in touch with reality and is retaliating against an imagined transgression. Some seemingly intact people can have paranoid fears at the core. In order to “defend” themselves they act against others. Maybe the goal is to take someone else down for competitive, regressed, or even unconscious reasons. They just want what the other one has.

Making a false accusation in a public way is an aggressive act. In the movie The Bad Seed, a sociopathic child has an angelic demeanor and manages to destroy many lives. Sweet faces, soft voices and tears can hide sadistic impulses.

Source: Psychology Today

When A Sociopath Has Targeted You for Destruction

If you are one of the lucky ones, you only temporarily crossed paths with a Sociopath, and were used (possibly abused or picked-clean) then discarded like yesterday’s trash.

However, if you are one of the unfortunate ones, you are a lifetime target of Sociopathic Character Assassination: a full-on, unbridled attempt by the Sociopath to totally destroy any credibility that the unsuspecting victim may have had.

What makes this victim so special over other victims that they are targeted to be the recipient of an obsessive and compulsive campaign of systematic destruction?

Simply stated, in most cases, lifetime targets of a Sociopath know too much about the Sociopath.

Sociopaths routinely maintain at least two separate personas. One personality that is embraced by unsuspecting society, the other is their true self, their dark side; the one they keep hidden. They may have many other personalities that they dial-in at any particular moment to manipulate their current audience and change masks at will with the intent to defraud.

It is imperative that the Sociopath keep their dark sides hidden from the general populace. Think about it; if anyone knew who they really were, their lives would unravel. To the Sociopath, protecting the secrecy of their true malicious nature is as important to them as anything that provides life or sense of purpose to any other normal human being.

Sociopaths usually launch laser focused unilateral attacks following a very calculated formula. Even though there is no known, “playbook,” that has been published for the Sociopath to follow, they all intuitively use the same system to ruin the lives of those who they feel may be a threat to the sacred secrecy of his or her true self. Certainly, making a potential witness appear to be crazy, mentally disturbed, unstable or anti-social is the logical solution. 

LAYING THE GROUNDWORK

Years of research and experience has concluded that usually within the first moments of engaging with a victim who might have access to too much personal information on the Sociopath, they begin to sow the seeds of doubt and lack of trustworthiness behind the victim’s back.

The Sociopath draws in friends, family, third parties, co-workers, neighbors and acquaintances of the victim with his or her lies, manipulations and victim playing in an effort to build a (false) trust relationship with the fringe audience and paint the target as someone of poor character. This is accomplished with little effort as the sociopath has innate skill to easily control the perceptions of others endearing them to him or her as they wield their persuasiveness.

The initial impact, though appearing quite harmless and innocuous is commonly cloaked in the appearance of concern for the victim’s well-being and might sound something, like, “I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but have you ever thought that (insert victim’s name) may not be what he (or she) appears to be?” No accusations, no data, reports or inclinations of anything concrete, just tilling the soil and fertilizing it with a little doubt.

All the while, they are increasing their own credibility with someone who may be a family member, friend, associate, community contact or acquaintance of the intended victim; unaware that they are being groomed as the Sociopath’s minion who will be turned against the victim when the time is right.

SOWING FALSE “FACTS”

Grooming from this point forward will take a secretive slant and will likely be presupposed with something, like, “Don’t tell (insert name), but…” as they actually sow seeds of doubt.

As the relationship between the sociopath and his or her minion(s) grows deeper, more and more seeds will be sown in an effort to cast doubt, while the victim is none the wiser.

I’ve always thought it peculiar, that in most cases, these once close associates of the victim rarely, if ever, courteously approach them with the sensitive information with a sincere, “Hey, I was just wondering about (insert reports of lack of sanity, trustworthiness, a secret double-life, illicit drug-use, illegal activities, pathological symptoms, etc…)…” that would definitely be an early indicator that something was up.

In most circumstances the victim continues to navigate their life’s journey unaware that the world they once enjoyed is being eroded or destroyed behind their back.

It is common for the Sociopath to project their psychological attributes onto the target. For instance, if they engage in criminal behavior, then this will be represented as being a problem for you. If he or she is greedy, interfering and demanding, this would be presented as something that you struggle with. If they are pathological liars and tend to make up elaborate stories, it will be the victim who secretly lives a fantasy-life where nothing is as it seems… on and on and on…

Why? Because no one knows these attributes better than the Sociopath. They are the undeniable expert in these pathologies and they know how critical it is for someone who has them to keep them a secret in an effort to appear to be normal.

In no way is it suggested that the Sociopath might limit their attacks to their own attributes. They are extremely acute at the skill of taking a grain of truth and spinning it into a ludicrous conclusion that will cast a dark shadow on anyone at any time.

ENTER THE “SPIN”

Sociopaths have the ability to spin any factual data into an outrageous yet convincing yarn that will breed conspiracy or contempt for any individual at will.

For instance, let’s say that you had a hard day at work all day, due to struggling with an intense ongoing headache. Everyone at work could tell that you were not “on your game” as usual. If you intimated to the Sociopath that you had a headache; that would give them the data that they needed to spin a tale.

The tale may take many shapes and forms, but will be consistent with some of the previous seeds that had been sown against you. For instance, if the Sociopath’s intention was to have you appear to his or her minions that you were a closet illicit drug user, he or she might intimate, “Wow, did you notice that (insert your name) was out of it yesterday? It’s normal to go through withdrawals when you don’t get your fix before you get to work… It’s so sad…”

No matter what you say or do, you cannot prevent the Sociopath from spinning it into a negative story about you that will erode your sense of normalcy. 

Instilling shame, embarrassment, guilt, and fear is how all abusers control and silence their victims.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

When the Sociopath has a clue that you are coming to the end of your usefulness in the accomplishment of their goals, he or she ramps up the defamation, usually making it appear that it is you who is beginning to attack them. At this point the Sociopath will appeal to their minions’ sensibilities as they present themselves as the sacrifice, martyr or victim of your psychotic manipulations.

Having no internal filter, they will stop at nothing in an effort to degrade and humiliate you. They will spout vile accusations, even proclaim you’re mentally ill, if it will support their proclamation that you are dangerous and cannot be trusted.

Trying to defend yourself is almost pointless. Often anything that you say in your defense will appear to be a part of your alleged psychosis and will strengthen all of the groundwork that the Sociopath has laid in preparation of this moment.

Even if the Sociopath’s relationship with the minions begins to dissolve (as it almost always does when the minions outgrow their usefulness), the seeds will always leave a mark in their minds… and as heartbreaking as it may be, in most cases, regardless of the ultimate revelation of the Sociopath’s parasitic lifestyle, there may be no hope for recovering the life that you once knew.

Jobs, reputations and fortunes may be lost, friends will turn their backs on you, family members will distance themselves, the people entrusted to help you will always wonder who you “really were” all the time they knew you.

THE RELENTLESS COMMITMENT TO YOUR DESTRUCTION

There is no way to anticipate how long the attacks will take place. In some cases, if the Sociopath is the least bit concerned that you might at some point discredit them or tarnish their appearance or reputation… the attacks will continue. If the Sociopath believes that at any point you could be a threat to their charade, the spinning will not cease. This perceived threat may continue until either of you cease to be.

Many Sociopaths make it clear by the unrelenting torment of their victims that they will not rest until you are locked-up, put away, homeless, or dead.

 MANIPULATION OF AUTHORITIES

Sociopaths may even go as far as to manipulate the authorities. In many cases a devious Sociopath may launch a criminal complaint and have you arrested in an effort to take away your freedom and make certain that you will have little or no credibility whatsoever. Destroying the target through the legal system plays quite effectively into their slanderous toolbox, diverts attention away from their unsavory behavior and gives them the leverage they need to get away with their misdeeds all the while garnering loads of sympathy and support (narcissistic supply) or being perceived as the injured party.  

SOCIAL MEDIA

If you are active in social media, it is not very hard for the Sociopath to tap into your network and stalk, monitor and spy. A Sociopath keeps tabs on their target with the same ferocity a day trader keeps track of the rise and fall of stocks. Their lioe revolves around gathering intel, weaponizing information and spinning everything you say or do against you. Controlling the narrative through fabrication, obstruction, editing, omission and outright fraud is priority number one.

For the Sociopath is a shameless predator always engaged in a cover-up of their seething hostility, diabolical ruthlessness and degenerate way of life.