Narcissistic Family Members Always
Deny Truth
By
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
If you are a member
of a narcissistic family–whether you are the child of a narcissistic mother or
narcissistic father or both, or the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling
or are married to a narcissist, always remember that you hold the truth. Narcissists
live in a state of grandiose delusion of their making. More powerful and
influential narcissists in the family put pressure on those who are more
dependent personalities to convince them to go along to get along with them.
I have had contact
with many victims of narcissistic family abuse who have spent years at the
mercy of their narcissistic families, including their spouses. For years and
even decades those individuals in these pathological families who are free of
delusion and know and speak the truth are ostracized and become the target of
disdain, humiliation and shunning. Often their family members let everyone know
that they have a very sick and confused person in their midst. They spread
rumors about you when you are the only one who knows the truth about yourself
and them and their multitude of secrets and treacheries. In other cases the
narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and make you invisible
and non-existent in their minds and through their actions.
Narcissists turn
reality upside down and sideways and spin it in continuous circles of lies,
deceptions, cruelties and betrayals. What they hate the most is the truth
because deep in their unconscious they are psychologically empty, filled with
rage and self-hatred. They are incapable of self-understanding or introspection
or empathy. Their identity is a charade, a false self that developed when they
were very young and will never change.
Remarkably, there are
individuals who persevere, research, work through their personal insights,
develop practices that lead them to deeper awareness who come from these highly
toxic families and marriages. They gain greater strength and thrive as they
extricate themselves from their pathological relationships. It is a different
path that they take and a difficult one. So often they feel completely alone.
No one understands them or will listen. But they don’t give up. They pursue the
pathway less traveled that leads to an ever evolving consciousness, increased
creativity, a deep wish to share their truth with others who are receptive.
I
have deep respect and a special place inside for those who have won this battle
for the truth. They are heroic extraordinary individuals. You are not alone.
There are so many others who share your life experiences. Be receptive to
finding these individuals. I have found that as the society becomes more
narcissistic and even sociopathic, there are people whom you will meet that
have a high consciousness that always seeks the truth, that welcomes it in you
and with whom you can communicate deeply.
Trust your intuition to know who
these individuals are. Their numbers are growing. You will find them. Work with
the loving parts of yourself and appreciate who you are every day, each moment.
You are precious and no one like you will ever come into existence again. You
are a singular human being. Celebrate this; use every part of yourself. You
have resources deep inside that are waiting to be tapped, creativity that is
spun gold and a heart that is both receptive and strong.
Source: The Narcissist in Your Life
Sometimes the sibling can come round after the narc parents have both died. It takes death for the influence of the narc to die with them, and be glad if you inherit nothing from this kind of person because anything and everything that belonged to them is tainted. I have nothing in my house that belonged to either of my parents and neither does my brother, not so much as a single photograph. It is as if they never existed. They certainly don't exist now and mercifully not for the rest of our lives.
ReplyDeleteHello! I don't know where to start... For years I've been thinking that my mother has a NPD. Why did I think about that? Cause since a kid I've been told that something was wrong with me, that I was weird, boring, worthless, useless... So I started to research information to know what was wrong with me since she didn't even tell me. Classic, right? For years I left this thought (the NPD thing) behind because I told to myself "I must be wrong (as always), this is not possible. I AM the problem and she is right when says that something is wrong with me cause I think this bad things about her".
ReplyDeleteYears passed. This was suppossed to be my last year at University, and I say supossed cause I fail some exams and I have to do one extra year. Why I didn't pass my exams as always? Because this year I have to work ten hours a day (M-F) and four on Saturdays and Sundays cause she didn't want to work (my mother has a small bussiness and I've been helping her since I was 18 being there full summers, all weekends and some days during the year). She didn't want to work here since May of the past year, so since then (that year I still had exams but that time but manage to pass) I've been working here full time. And when you can't attend classes is very difficult that you pass all of your exams.
I have exams on January and on May. When I failed some in January the nightmare begun. "You didn't want to attend classes. You have been lazy. You didn't work hard enough. You fuck my life...".From January to June, each day, she looked at me with disgust, said that I was going to fail, that she already knew that I couldn't make it. And I didn't make it.
Long story short: I still have one year of uni ahead (one more cause I need a Master to become a lawyer), still working at the "family" bussiness, and have to live with my mother. I almost don't talk to her but she can't stop talking and since I'm the only one in the house (she is divorced and I'm a only child)she is always willing to speak with me (well, she is willing to speak and only need audience).
So, first: I wanted to thank you for making this. I am reading the book Breaking Free after reading another from Danu Morrigan. It is really helpful, inspiring and encouraging to read these things, they help to keep me sane and not to lose my mind.
Second: How can I deal with her? Many times I've read about people with Nparents but they all have more siblings. I don't know if that's better or worse, but since I'm all alone with here I get this feeling that sometimes (the less) I'm the golden child and sometimes (mostly) the spacegoat. So for me it's very difficult to adapt and prepare in advance cause I don't know who I will be for her the next time. Also, what is better during a rage or mini-rage? (the rages of my mother come in a variety of degrees, from telling you are shit with calm to yell the most hurtful things and saying she is going to commit suicide and don't deserve to live and why I hate her so much and blaablabla). Should I confront her? I've been always been kind of robot during her rages: no making eye contact, not talking if she didn't ask me to do so. But she can be talking for ours (record is 5 hours 21 minutes) and it's exhausting. So, what I am asking for is some survival tips for an economic dependent young adult (22 in two weeks) with no siblings, without other family members and with about two years ahead of obligatory living with a Nmother.
I hope I make my points clear cause I'm not used to write in English and I am working and have been written when I have time through three hours and I'm sending this without revision cause I don't have more time. Again, thank you for your blog and your bravery!
Hi Rothai, and welcome! Your English is very good and your points are very clear.
DeleteI’m sorry to hear that you have 2 more years with your N mother. That can’t be easy; especially since you are her only child, her audience and the object of her N rage. It must be awfully confusing to be treated like the scapegoat one minute and the golden child the next. You must be living in fight or flight always waiting for the other shoe to drop and worrying about her multiple personalities and mood swings. My guess is that’s exactly what she wants – to keep you off balance, exhausted and living in fear.
I would avoid her as much as possible because she is out to sabotage you. She doesn’t want you to succeed in school because then you will leave her. Try and study at the library, coffee shops, a friend’s place etc. I have found that confronting high level narcissists makes them worse, so I wouldn’t bother. I would suggest setting boundaries with her but that only works on normal people. You need to avoid being sucked into her marathon blabber fests and dramatics. If she gets fed, she will want more. I think what you are doing is great. Learn as much as you can about NPD, and always remember it’s not you, it’s her. Maintain a very detached Robot Mode with her because if she’s not getting any narc supply from you, she may look elsewhere. Remember: she has the emotional and moral maturity level of a nasty, manipulative, bratty 5 year old, so you may want to treat her as such. Another way to look at her is like a virus; if you get too close you will get sick. You might want to get her a pet to distract her. Maybe a snake or an Alligator?
Thank you for buying my book. I’m glad it’s helping. If you get a chance, please leave a review on Amazon. Your feedback would be helpful for other ACONs who may be in similar circumstances.
Good luck to you. Stay focused and keep your eye on the prize: finishing school and starting a new life narc free.
It's sad how they always take up for each other. One thing I have learned is narcissists always take up for other narcissists even if they don't know each other. I suppose there is some kind of spiritual bond but it could be they simply identify with each other's coldness, lack of conscience and mercy. I mean I found out one of my "best friends" respects my mother far more then me. So what do they have in common? It's interesting to think about. Yes we have to walk from all who believe the lies.
ReplyDeleteWow. I feel so fortunate to have found this blog! As a former D&A therapist now turned Artist/Designer I'm constantly battling not only a mother but a brother & sister. My life with a wonderful husband has been attacked & I feel jealousy of my success in a non-conventional career. I thank God almost daily that I have the mental strength & understanding of what's really going on. Sometimes I feel such bad energy directed towards my happiness it's pathetic. Avoidance is sad because it feels like I'm abandoning my family but I guess I'll be better off without them.
ReplyDeleteThe article is spot on. I stumbled upon 'The House Of Mirrors' a few years ago, and not intending to appear dramatic, but the truth is that this site saved, and changed my life. It was the no nonsense, no making excuses for the Narc, that really got through to me. So validated I felt, that I turned into a kind of ass kicker. I could not be told I didnt hear, see, experience What I had. Because, there were many times I wondered what was worse, more painful, more frustrating, more alienating... The abuse I endured prior to knowing what I was dealing with, or the aftermath of needing desperately to be heard and understood. I thought "My God! Iam telling these people what this is! That it is real! There exists places, with others that have been there"! I could not understand why they would not then take the step, make the effort, to look into What I was saying. Love me enough to see if Iam a lunatic, or If I had really found the answers. The same people that spent half a day three times a week watching cats eat ice cream, falling off a chair, or hiding from thunder... Had no interest in understanding me, the abuse etc... I finally had to quit wishing, wanting and demanding they do so. I came to understand, I had no right to expect this of others. My responsibility was to myself. It was time I understood, I was responsible for caring, validating, protecting, befriending, and even parenting myself. This site was a fantastic support regarding the overseeing of myself. I never saw a posting from Lizette "Woe is me! The mailman won't read the article explaining what happened to me, and why Iam such a mess, I even highlighted the good parts". It is because she learned not to expect it, and instead took responsibility. Iam a different person now. Actually, Iam me. After shedding from myself, the lies that attempted to shape me, create me, mold me...once gone, I was left with myself, I had not known before. And the Narcs hate this daughter. "Such a disappointing daughter". "So ungrateful". "After all the sacrifices I made" "Everyone told me to spank her! But I refused! Now look! A disappointing daughter"! Said the Malignant lunatic that birthed me. And I have gone no contact, and miss nothing. It is a real pick me up, when I ...every couple of months, I check in and find something new. And always it seems...it was exactly what I needed. Thank you everybody!
ReplyDelete