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For people
who are incredibly self-obsessed, narcissists are very nosy about others. But theirs
is not an idle curiosity; it’s the instinct of a predator. Narcissists are habitual
snoops, spies, busybodies and gossips. They are always trying to dig up dirt
that they can use to frame, blackmail, hurt and humiliate others. They will use
information, any information they
have on you to come between the things and people you love.
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Excellent, ruthlessly honest article. Spot on. Thank you
ReplyDelete"Ruthlessy honest" oooh I like that. Thanks back at ya :)
DeleteAnything they can use, its good information for them. I had this friend once who would do that to people she didn't even know. One time she was telling me about this work trip she went on and the trouble one lady was having at the border crossing because of the purchases she made. She told me of the purchases, that she spent too much. That she herself would not even consider spending that much, ever. Basically, she was slamming her down to me. She didn't know the person. I told her that maybe its exciting to buy stuff in out of the country, and the lady wasn't aware this would be a problem coming back over.
ReplyDeleteEven to this day I have to tell myself that this behaviour isn't normal, but I've seen it all my life. I'm so used to it. I would not even think or care to do what they do, but it just seems so normal. When I was growing up we had neighbours that sold their farm and moved away because of my mother's busybody behaviour. It costs a lot to change homes, this is serious stuff.
Joan, your mother must have been the neighbour from hell - I know the type. I too have had to move because of neighbour's busybody behavior. Here's an example of just how snoopy a building manager was. I needed to have something repaired and instead of her telling me her husband would be over on the weekend at a certain time, she asked, in what can only be described as a nosy, slithery tone, "What time ... do you... get up?"
ReplyDeleteSee what I mean? Her husband was going to do the work on his time regardless of when I got up. She was just probing for information. I also wanted to lodge a complaint about a neighbour to this creepy manager so I went down and told her in person and she said she needed it in writing - bullshit. Well, my printer was broken and I told her so and she insisted in her slimy snoopy way that I hand write the letter. She was such a liar, gossip, snoop and busy body there was no way in hell I was going to give her my hand writing to analyze.
Malignant narcissists across the board see people as objects to control. They refuse to grasp the concept of another's right to privacy, boundaries etc. They need to have dirt on everyone. My mother and sister are infernal gossips and will dissect people they have never even met during their marathons mud slinging sessions. If I encounter a gossip, my back goes up and I get away. Because I know they will do exactly the same to me.
I always wondered why they cared about this gossip. I'm sorry you had to move to avoid a busybody too. The trouble and cost to you, but I guess there is not other choice. Its good to know you are so very aware.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird how narcissists are so interested in other people's business... even people they've never met. I think they want to control the world and everyone in it, so they want to know everything about everyone.
DeleteYes, I moved out of the building in less than 24 hours. Things got really bad. I sued them for harassment and violation of privacy through the Residential Act and won. I'm still trying to have them investigated for public mischief for filing a false police report when I went out of town. This couple were the most vile, vicious and paranoid malignant narcissists I've ever had the misfortune of knowing.
I think another reason they are such greedy information gatherers is because they feel (superior beings that they are) that they are *entitled* to know anything and everything - even about total strangers (who they will then slice to shreds with their vicious tongues). These creatures are truly beyond the pale.
DeleteBonnie, you're spot on. Their pathological sense of entitlement is at play all the time. And their greed extends to every aspect of life - including obtaining trivial information about complete strangers. They feel entitled to have all of everything, all the time, no matter what it is.
DeleteMy mother made your loss of privacy into a backhanded way to gaslight you. I moved in to care for her needs after she had a stroke and I came in once and she gave me a receipt she found of a purchase I made and asked if I needed it. The only thing was that I had set a pile of dirty clothes on top of it before I left. So this was her way of letting me know that she rifled through my things when I was gone. I would also do landscaping chores on the outside of her house. I live in Texas and it gets hotter than hell in the summer. To avoid the heat I would work sometimes until after dark. Every time I did she accused me of being high. Yet her neighbors saw me and realized it was better to wait until it was cool to do their mowing etc. Once she saw them wait until after dark.....I ain't talking the middle of the night I am talking twilight. Once they followed suit with how I worked she sat me down and told me she thought working in the shade was a smart thing to do. Just anything she could think of to let me know she was watching me like HAL the computer watched the astronauts on 2001 a space odyssey.
ReplyDeleteYes! Those weirdo narcs want us to know that they're watching us. It's a form of intimidation. I guess having an omnipresence makes the feel powerful. And they don't see anything wrong with their voyeuristic, snoopy behavior. They see it as their right. They're so fucking paranoid. They monitor their families and social circles like HAL or Big Brother or a head mistress at an orphanage.... take your pick.
ReplyDeleteI lived across the street from a completely fucking insane malignant narcissist for four years. My Nmom befriended her, of course, and they were pretty tight for about three of those years until she got too nutty even for Nmom. This crazy bitch was OBSESSED with watching everyone all the time and letting them know it. She’d run outside with a camera and/or recorder whenever people were outside. She’d call CPS on neighbors with kids for fun. I even got a restraining order against this hag (along with Nmom and another neighbor) because things escalated to the point that she would run to her car (literally RUN) to follow us everywhere we went if she saw us leaving the house. Even though I’m out of there now, I still hear stories about her from Nmom. Apparently she’s declared some kind of dumb psycho war on her nextdoor neighbor, a nice single lady with a daughter, and has started throwing eggs all over her car and sidewalk. Then throwing eggs on her own sidewalk to make it look like said neighbor is retaliating. Then screeching at the maintenance men to clean up the eggs she just threw on her own sidewalk.
ReplyDeleteNext to narcissist family members, narc neighbours are the worst. You're really trapped living in the vicinity of these creatures, especially if you own your home. There's been a narc/bully in almost every building I've lived in.
DeleteLisette you seem to have renewed energy and go from strength to strength. This is wonderful to see. Your recent posts have been very significant contributions to our shared journeys as survivors in recovery from the evil perpetrated by malignant narcissists. The latest one that I received today was magnificent (on their various psychological characteristics) and so true. Somehow I couldn't connect with that particular piece to place this comment on so am posting this here. Thrive!
ReplyDeleteHi Anna, it's always nice to hear from you, and if I haven't told you before, I thank you for the contribution you have made to my blog through your comments.I often go back and read them because they are so thought provoking.
DeleteI'm not sure what post you are referring to (on their various psychological characteristics). Are you sure it's mine? In any event, thank you for the message. Thrive right back atcha! :)
"They are energized by people's pain, sadness, and misfortune." That's got to be why NM always loves to tell about the horrible things that are going on in the lives of everyone she knows.
ReplyDeleteLisette,
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome! I'mglad I can offer you some support after all the support I've received from you through your blog! I am forever grateful to you for handing me the cold hard facts about my non-relationship with my MNM! I am happy to say I am NC forever! That is unless I make one last call to her similar to the one you made to yours. Haven't decided on that one yet.
I was fed up with my mother by age 14 and took the first train out if town. Actually I was fed up with her long before that. I didn't like her EVER! Even her touch creeper me out. It just didn't " feel" right. In contrast, I have a picture I came across a couple of years ago (given to me by my grandmother) of my grandmother arms around me and me gripping them back. I was about 3-and-a-half. Looking at the picture I remembered the day and what I was thinking and feeling when it was taken which was, " who is this woman and why does her touch feel So Good. It was completely foreign to me. I asked my mother about the photo on our next telephone conversation ( I haven't actually seen her in 25 years, and then only briefly). She informed me it was the first time I actually met my grandmother. Really. They had to have lived within 15 minutes of one another! Another memory and example of me being fed up with her or at least recognizing her as evil took place at the age of 6, when she introduced me to husband #3. She had just stormed in and uprooted my brother and me from her aunt's house, where she had left us for a year or so while she was between husbands... Will post this and get right back with new one. Don't want to get bumped off and lose it all. Thanks for the patience ahead of time.
Another example of me being fed up with MNM or at least recognizing her as evil was at age 6 when she introduced me to husband # 3. She had just stormed in and uprooted my brother and me from her aunt's house where she had left us for a year or so while she was between husbands. We had integrated ourselves by then and had begun to feel like we were a family, calling her aunt "mom". She came thundering in out of the blue and told us to pack our shit that we were leaving. She hadn't called or visited or anything before this, just showed up like the hurricane she was, taking what she wanted in a huff and leaving a path of destruction in her wake. This woman had grown to love us and we she, and she attacked her vehemently, accusing her of trying to "steal" her children. I guess "thank you"hadn't occurred to her. So there I was meeting husband # 3 for the first time. He bent down to my level and looked into my eyes and I into his. I could see he was a good man, a normal man, and I remember feeing instantly sorry for him, and I was thinking, "what in the world are you doing with her, can't you see how horrible she is?". I guessy mother read my face, because I was instantly scooped up and laid out on the bed on my back. She took off my shoes, and then her boots, just as Nancy Sinatra's song came on the record player, and standing over me and placing her boots strategically on my chest, she sang the words
ReplyDeleteHere I am again. Gee wiz. Please bear with me.
ReplyDeleteHer boots placed strategically on my chest and standing over me, ( all in fun for her audience don't you know, but former the message was clear). "these boots are made for walk-in' and that's just what they'll do, cause a one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you" with emphasis on the last part "dado do do do do" as she walked her boots down my chest towards her. I KID YOU NOT!
Oh, and here's a fun fact: my mother was born on Halloween and she once told me (bragged) that she'd had her horoscope card done and she was a triple Scorpio (something she thought I needed to know, I guess). And my grandmother told me about her birth, which she said was a "dry" one. I asked what she meant? She said her water never broke and that she came out scaley! She said her skin was peeling off!
What was MY game-changer you ask? It was the total anhilation of beautiful life at the age of 24. Everyone and everything in it I loved were gone-poof-game over! At the hands of whom? You guessed it-good old MNMom! Just hold the phone abit before I get into that!
Wow! Well, those boots are made for walking... and that's just what you did. I'm glad you saved yourself and got away from her. Good for you for never seeing that crazy evil lizard again. There's not much she can do to you over the phone, especially once you've got her number. I've heard a lot of stories about these MN mothers and their multiple husbands and wonder how the heck they are able to trap these men. Sounds like they put everything on hold, dump their kids off on relatives, neighbors, you name it and get to work on the con game. It's too bad your grandma didn't play a larger role in your life, but she was probably saving herself from her daughter, and your mother probably didn't want you to have a good influence and lose any control over you. Yup, they certainly are destroyers. My MN mother annihilated the entire family over money and used her kids as pawns to get a house. My MN sister has followed in her foot steps over money, destroying the shattered remains. Evil, these people. Nothing but destroyers. Thanks for the post, mb!
DeleteHi Lisette,
ReplyDeleteI didn't know the money thing was a symptom of narcissism too, but it has certainly been a huge factor in my mother's life and in her relationships. After the new husbands would come in (there were 5) x-mas would roll around, and the amount of gifts and spending were obscene and were reacted to by all of
them. They were middle-class men with spending limitations! Anyway, as it turns out, money was
precisely the reason I didn't see my grandmother
until after the age of 3+. I was not told this (my
grandmother was too much of a lady to ever say
anything, and my mother not likely to admit it) but I was able to piece it together after the talk I had with my mother regarding the photograph. In responce to my question about why I hadn't seen my
grandmother before that, she said that my
grandmother didn't want her to keep me, that she
had argued who would raise me, and that she
suggested she give me up to a catholic adoption
agency! (I guess this was suppose to incense me but it didn't) She said she saw no reason to share me
with her. She also said that she had gotten her
divorce and settlement from my father on a Friday
and deliveted me on the following Monday. That she had driven to the hospital alone when she went into
labor with me and she drove me home alone too. But she ALSO mentioned that she had to rent a place and how her aunt had told her that her father had left her
his house (which would be my grandmother's house)
and how he wanted her to have it. But that she had
responded, "but where would my mother live then?" (yeah, right, in a pig's eye!) and I knew it! It was as plain as to see, that she had gone after my
grandmother for her house after my grandfather (her father) had passed away after his bout with
Luekemia, shortly before I was born. I confronted her
on my theory and she flew into a defensive rage,
telling me how dead wrong I was, and how she was
pregnant with my brother at 17 when she lost her father, which was one of the darkest days of her life, which she should know! I asked if she had the
photos handy I had sent her. She said she did, and I
asked her to look at the one of my brother at age 4
and if that wasn't her father standing beside him as
he was trying to push the mower. She said, "Oh,
yeah, that is my father...well, I guess I must have been pregnant with you then...". And I knew she witheld me for punishment in retaliation for her not getting the house!
Hi Lisette,
ReplyDeleteIt's long-winded me again! This behaviour about money would repeat throughout her relationship with my grandmother. She felt entitled to every penny she had while she was alive, and then went after my grandfather (by marriage) after she passed. I had the pleasure of seeing my grandparents for two weeks right before she passed away. I did not return for the funeral, as I knew it would be a scene and an opportunity for the vultures! But I did get a priceless account of the goings on by my niece. She said my mothercwas ragging on that if I cared so much, why wasn't I there? To which my niece answered, " Because unlike SOME PEOPLE she's not interested in her will! Out of the mouths of Babe's!
Anyway, did you ever look at that Khalil Gibran parable " Friends"? My mother was visiting me and my new life some years after I left at 14. This because the man I was with felt guilty about taking off with me. I warned him he didn't know her like I did, but he insisted it was the right thing to do. He would later pay for that with his life (freedom).
So , she was visiting me, and I was reading Khalil Gibran, which I often did. I mostly liked "The Prophet" but this particular day I was reading "The Madman" . I was reading "translating" Friends to herfrom tthe Spanish version "El Loco". As I mentioned before, recently, decades later she remarked what a HUGE impression it had made on her and how SPOT ON she recalled it being to her and how she never forgot it. I thought this might be germane here for us survivors of Narcissist given its content. If you get a chance, I'd love to know your thoughts. I also recommend "sleepwalkers" for DOMNM and "scarecrow" for fun. Thanks. Going over to bloggerella now!
39 and I just realized my brother is a sociopath!
ReplyDeleteThe last evil just shook me and I had to sit and possibly ponder.. Could he be one?!?!
And answer was yes..yes he is!
( two days ago )
I'm floored!!
I'll never have any contact with the guy ..Eva.
So glad it dawned on me.
Thanks for writing this lil piece too!!
Wealth of knowledge you have on subject.
Best wishes to you !!
Ponder no more. Run! And don't look back. Don't ever give him another opportunity to do something shockingly evil! My biggest regret in life, and I mean MY BIGGEST was looking up my sociopath sister after 17 years of no contact. At the time I had no idea she was a sociopath, and now 10 years later I find my life obliterated. I could never have predicted or conceived of the evil she is capable of. But I guess after 17 years of no access to me she was STARVING and ready to feed. She's filled with malicious envy toward me and she wasn't able to unleash it when she couldn't access me. Now I know that she is insane and dangerous. But I'm not running. She went too far. Caused too much damage and she needs to face the consequences. I'm fighting back.
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