Friday, 1 April 2016

The Sociopath Sister Takes What Doesn't Belong to Her

I write you this letter to explain something to you. You have a serious personality disorder whose very symptoms, paradoxically, may leave you unaware that you have it.

Or, you may be “aware” of your disorder in an “intellectual” sense but consequent to your disorder, you lack appropriate alarm and shame over its expression.

People who do not have your disorder, if they were told they had it (and of its nature), would feel extremely unnerved and shamed to hear this feedback.

You, on the other hand, neither feel nor react with expected levels of uneasiness to learn of your disorder. Your reactions, expressing either calm indifference, an attitude of smug superiority or, alternatively, extreme irritation and indignation, add credence to the diagnosis.

You were probably not “born” with this disorder, but it’s also probable that you brought a biological tendency to it whose eventual emergence your upbringing probably encouraged or elicited.

Your disorder is called a number of different names that can be confusing, among them sociopath, psychopath, antisocial personality disorder, malignant narcissist, and more informal names. Although there may be some useful distinctions between these terms, the confusion they produce probably exceeds the usefulness of these distinctions.

More important are the common elements between them which describe a similar phenomenon – a human being like yourself who, while intellectually aware of common standards and laws of “right and wrong,” nonetheless grossly, chronically violates the boundaries and integrity of others with deficient remorse, deficient empathy, a deficient sense of accountability and, typically, with an attitude of contempt, or indifference towards the experiences and suffering of those you’ve violated.

You might recognize yourself in this description, but you may not. If you do, as I’ve suggested, your recognition of yourself as having this disorder will not produce an appropriate response.

But if you don’t recognize yourself from this description it’s likely to be a function of more than just your denial. Rather, your failure to see yourself, truly, as a sociopath probably reflects to an extent, an aforementioned feature of your disorder: I refer again to your deficient empathy as a consequence of which you are actually incapable of feeling more than superficial, transient concerns about, and remorse for your hurtful impact on others.

It is possible that hurting others is a primary goal but it’s also likely hurting others is a byproduct of your primary aim (and lifelong pattern) of taking something from others that doesn’t belong to you.

In other words, you may or may not intentionally seek to hurt others, but in either case your condition leaves you depleted of normal, inhibiting levels of compassion, sympathy and empathy towards others.

Your disorder has other essential features. The reason you can take from people, steal from them – their property, possessions, money, their dignity, sometimes their lives – and suffer so negligibly, if at all from your abuse of them, is that you do not respect them.

Your condition fundamentally leaves you with a characterological disrespect of others.

You view the world as a competition ground for gratification. People around you are thus players in this metaphorical drama; players from whom your principle inclination is to take, cajole, exploit and manipulate whatever it is that will leave you, not them, in a more comfortable, satiated condition.

You feel that your gratification – your present security, status, satisfaction and entertainment – takes precedence over everyone else’s. Your gratification is simply more important than anything else.

In your mind, you are entitled to the gratification you seek – in whatever forms you presently seek it – even when it costs others a great deal of pain towards which, as we’ve established, you bring a disordered lack of empathy and concern. This is a very twisted notion – specifically, the conviction that your gratification and its pursuit are virtually your inalienable right – a notion that supports the rationalizing of the chronic expression of your abusive, exploitative attitudes and behaviors towards others.

Finally, this makes you, your organized Crime Ring, and any accomplice who carries-out your “assaults” a remorseless violator of innocent people.

In an effort to put a stop to your destructive acts and mitigate injury to others, I am willing to get you help for your severe mental problems.

I have booked you an appointment at the department of criminal psychology at UBC for a formal “diagnosis”, but as you may or may not know, your disorder is notoriously unamenable to known “treatments." 

A more viable option to protect others from your criminal behavior and escalating psychological violence is for you, and your partners in crime, to live out the rest of your miserable days in a cage.  

I will continue to persue every opportunity available to make sure this happens. 

Hey, you deluded sociopath, the truth is like a splinter - eventually it comes out.


  1. I wish I could send the same letter to my sociopathic/narc sister. They are cold and we need to realize they do not care. I told my sister direct something was very wrong with her. It is talking to a brick wall. In my walking away from the family there is no communication with these people none at all.

    Part of me is pissed I wasted so many years on this person trying to get through to her. They have no empathy and everything is about themselves. I even found out my sister hid having cancer from me and I was right about her lying right before I went NC. My brother told me on the phone that when my sister was a teen, and had stabbed a serving fork into the wall at him, my parents took my sister to a psychiatrist who told them "she didn't have normal emotions" [aka sociopath] They never went back, probably didn't want the guy digging too deep on the family. I wasted time as a teen looking for love and connection to someone who used to have it. I do think sociopths and narcs are made and there was a slow dying away of my sister's conscience. I think she still had some of one when we were very young.

    The last time I was in a room with my sister, I felt spiritual darkness around her. [just as bad as my mother] Like no one was home and she was totally given over to evil. Look at our old pictures after I went NC I saw the growing haughtiness in the eyes, it was scary to look at.

    Mine is in thrall to my mother and wanted to be her satanic mini-me. Your sister I think could be a a notch or two up, cunning in her own right, and plotting and planning for destruction.

    I hope you have not encountered new miseries via the evil narcs in your family.

  2. Hi Lisette, this is your evil N sister. I fully acknowledge that I am a horrible person and I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you throughout your life. I am checking myself into a mental facility for help but not until I give you back everything I owe you .... April Fools!

    So sorry Lisette but I couldn't resist ... I love your blog and am so glad I found you. So weird for me to finally find people who get it! So weird how my feelings are so like yours and the people here. I have never been able to put my finger on what was wrong with my life until I read your blog. My whole life I have tried to tell people about my family and never felt believed, which in turn always left me feeling utterly alone. Thank you thank you thank you.

  3. Ps. Loved your skin suit blog ... For years I thought my N sister had multiple personality disorder ... That explained a lot to me. Thanks

  4. Peep, sorry you wasted years trying to get through to your sister. I didn't go that route. Once I figured out what my sister was/is, all deals were off and everything made sense.

    As for your parents sending your sister to a shrink after stabbing a fork into a wall... well, they were way more rational than my parents ever would be (despite the cover-up of the findings on her). If my sister lodged a pitch-fork into my skull they would lie for her, cover-up for her and blame me for screaming out in pain. In fact, they would send me, not her, to a shrink because I was screaming out in pain. In their demonic eyes, my screaming out in pain would be seen as a fundamental problem with me, not the result of a pitch fork stuck in my head.

    I too believe sociopaths are made, or at least enabled. My sister was definitely born with an evil inclination and my parents nurtured her evil. In other words, they never set limits for her, and rewarded her selfish, exploitative, sadistic behavior so her bad behavior took on a life of its own. The end result, is their crazy, greedy, exploitative, sociopath daughter is now both parent's power of attorney. Two helpless seniors are being abused and exploited by the monster they created. Serves them right.

    New miseries via the evil narcs? You betcha!

  5. Gladifoundyou @ 18:23 - good one! A sociopath "paying-up" and getting "treatment" is a total joke!

    Glad you found the blog.

  6. I'm glad you didn't waste years on yours. I'm kind of pissed I wasted so much time. I know what she is now and my eyes are opened. With the psychiatrist, they probably feared they were losing control and wanted to reign her in, can't have sociopath vs. sociopath games. Even her narc husband lowered the boom on her screaming fits patterned after my parents years later. They blamed my brother for her running the serving fork into the kitchen wall and screamed at him and told him not to touch the VCR again. Yes that is what the fight was over though they would go at it so bad, I tried to stay away from it all. If the worse happened to my brother, I'm sure they would have blamed him too, but its true your demonic parents would have yelled at you for screaming and punished you for getting stabbed.

    Yes they are made, and some you can see they are made as well. Are both your parents incompetent now where she holds the power of attorney? Call Adult Protective Services and have them investigate if you haven't already and tell them your sister is exploiting them. You could always do the phone call anonymously like you are someone in the community and don't want to break no contact. Your sister seems insane enough proving her inappropriateness for that role, doesn't seem like it would be too hard. They are getting what they deserve. A court petition may work too but I am not sure of Canadian law. Hopefully you have some equivalent to APS.

    You may have already tried all these things with everyone believing your psycho sister. Mine is an upper class housewife so has those social markers to "protect" her. It disgusts me. By the way I will have no more contact with nieces or nephews, they turned the one niece against me.

    I'm gone, so as my mother ages, she will have her sociopathic Mini-Me to take "care" of her. The same one who looked annoyed as hell breaking out the breathing machine for her asthmatic child, helping to perpetuate the cycle of narcdom and lack of empathy.

    There are elder care professionals in the USA who will investigate financial and other abuse via Adult Protective Services. Think its called Adult Protection in Canada. At the very least call her out for the crimes she is committing even anonymously to retain no contact.

    Sorry to hear your new miseries. It sucks.

    Did you read about my Aunt Scapegoat dying, I am a bit put off lately feeling like evil has won. They tried hoovering me for the memorial service. It has made me sick inside. I tire of the narcs 'winning" in this world. I believe they will burn in the hottest hell but for now it's painful to watch.

  7. Lisette, so glad to see you are back. I agree that evil people may be born with some of it, but it is and has been somehow encouraged and nurtured in those we know. I so appreciate that there are others here who get what some of us took too many years to figure out.

    I get that my 2 narcissistic siblings do not get that they ever do anything wrong. When confronted, they are incapable of understanding their mistakes or errors, because that is what narcissism has done to them. That also makes them incapable of ever apologizing or trying to see the errors of their ways.

    I feel no sympathy for them. I want nothing to do with them. There is no fixing them or our relationship. It is what it is and I am no longer putting myself in any space where they are.

  8. Lisette, if your sister has never heard the word no, and it sounds like she hasn't, then it's highly likely she will eventually hear "NO" with such crushing force it may destroy her. Normal people go through a lifetime of hearing "no" so it's no big deal when we don't get what we want or need. But when a narcissist doesn't get her way it drives her insane. Think about it. Your sister - from what you've written - has had a lifetime of getting her way. Sounds to me like she's got one hell of a "NO!" coming her way. A "NO" that will torment her for the rest of her days.

  9. DP, I hope you're right. It goes against the laws of natural consequence that she can get her way her entire life and get away with she's done to get her way. I agree normal people are told no all the time and it's just a part of life, but Sociopath Sister and her life is far from normal.

    She has never held a job, never had roommates or rented an apartment, never had to worry about money or any material need for that matter. In fact, she's so damn special she's never even needed to spend her money. She greedily hoards it and demands everything be bought for her. How does she have hoards of money if she's never worked? That is the question.

    She's 52 and lives in a bubble with only her mom, dad and flying monkey. In the bubble it's easy for her get her way. But one day mommy and daddy won't be around and her bubble will burst. Frankly, I hope it happens before that.

    If Sociopath Sister has a lifetime supply of "No" waiting to be used then yes, she is truly fucked!

  10. Hey, I've been reading through your blog and found it very specific in describing details of interaction with NPD people and I find it quite empowering, so thank you. My late mother was quite a narcissist as is my grandmother (my father's mum). I married a very severely narcissistic guy and am now well into divorcing him (actually the trial date is in 10 days and we haven't been living together for almost 1,5 year) The journey I've taken has been long and tumultuous, but I feel now empowered enough to continue and be sure to survive and hopefully thrive. There's one thing though, I have two absolutely wonderful daughters (aged 3 and 5) with this man, and I feel quite anxious about their interaction with their dad. I read loads on parallel parenting and stuff, but I just wandered if maybe you have something to say on what could possibly be done or said to continue teaching children to deal with their father's abusive behaviour. I'd be grateful to hear your ideas on that. And thanks again for the blog, I'll definitely continue reading.
    Ania (the strange ID comes from my google mailbox )

  11. Ania, I would use what you know personally about NPD to teach your children. You wrote your late mother was a narcissist and your grandmother is a narcissist, so you have experience with two NPD parental figures. Also, you know how your ex-husband operates so you could let your kids know it's not them, it's him. I wish there was an adult in my life who could have taken me aside as a child and explained in a way that I could understand that my parents and sister are disordered and there's nothing wrong with me, the "problem" is them. No kid should have to deal with their father or mother's abusive behavior, but the sad fact is, if they have a relationship with a NPD parent they will be dealing with abuse no matter how subtle, covert or overt. Even something as simple as a smirk can wound. If he abuses your kids he shouldn't be allowed to see them. If he was beating them physically you wouldn't teach your children to "deal with it." Why should emotional abuse be any different?

  12. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I think I have been dating a Narc and was a sort-of Golden Child, but without any sort of stability whatsoever, like, not even feigned attempts for stability. My mother was bipolar and, undiagnosed, schizophrenic – I would walk into the kitchen and catch her in full trances, with finger gesticulation and lip movement, talking to something she called God which later killed her because this – being – told her that chemo and mastectomies were mutilating her body in “His eyes”.

    Because my parents both passed very early – my mother right before I graduated HS at 16, father at 14 – I started my own path of self-destruction to age 22, I’m almost 23 now. I had a huge realization and started facing my idealized self, my idealized view of my childhood and what I see looking back, taking responsibility for my own actions without shrouds of dishonesty. I think my viewpoint is very, very clear because it was somewhat of a ‘religious’ experience for me. That’s my only word for it.

    I have just started a blog called ‘The Real Perspective’ because I want other deeply damaged people, who wear the mask of normality, to know that, at a certain point, you are only how good you affect other people – those sums of your actions are what define your self-worth and that self-value has no point if it cannot be used in the economy of social relationships.

    At the moment, I am facing a lot of challenge, but I am going through a process of, kind of, rebirth of what I feel is valuable inside of my own sphere of influence.

  13. Thanks a lot. The things is I identified my mother and grandmother (luckily she lives far away and she didn't raise me, but she did condition my dad) as narcissistic only after I found that this is what my ex is. Before, I saw there's something wrong, but it was so covert that most of the time I ended up convinced that the problem is me, And that it is normal treatment. My father is conditioned as complementary to narcissistic,at least that's what I see him to be, and so this is how I and my brother were raised. You just learn to do everything not to wake the dragon. Up to the point you become almost non-existent. It took me this past year and a half intensive to undo this tactics and go for setting borders, separating and not trying to evade unavoidable conflict by all means.
    True, I wouldn't think a minute if my ex would beat my children but I'm not sure if it's that straightforward. I mean, my ex can smash stuff around children, shout like hell and also behave very depressive to the point my elder daughter is really anxious about him for another week. And it always is my work and responsibility to undo the thing. I am actually considering what is enough to limit his parent rights by law, and seeing a layer about this soon. However when he's not doing any of these (and really hard stuff happens on average once every few months) he plays the best dad ever and they love him. So separating them from their father would seem like hurting them ... Some mothers with NPD exes write that you should let your children make their own opinion about their father and just be there for them, neither of the solutions seem soothing... One comment I found soothing was that you have to radically accept the fact that you have children with a narc, and take responsibility for this state of being...

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    1. "Don't bother with anger or revenge with these people."

      Paleez. Anger is a natural reaction to intentional infliction of malice. If you get punched in the face you're going to feel pain. You can't just "not bother" with pain, or anger, or any emotion for that matter. And what's with the word "revenge"? Why twist my desire to right wrongs against me as being vengeful?

      As for cutting off all contact, if you read my blog, you would know I haven't seen my malignant narcissist mother and MN sister in 26 years. That does not stop predators from predating.

      You write: the best "fuck you" is living a great life to spite them? (how original). Yet, you admit that in order to live this "great life" the target must move to another state and go into hiding. Sounds like the narcissists are controlling the target and forcing her to run for her life. No one should be bullied out of their life. It sounds to me like you've never met a gang of malignant narcissists much less been a target of even one.

      When I get dismissive, judgey, bossy comments like yours I like to respond with the following quotes by Anna V of blog Narcissists Suck:

      "Your anger is not wrong. Your anger is a sign that you recognize the crimes which have been committed against you or those you love. Your anger is actually a healthy sign! Anger is an appropriate emotion in the wake of evil or injustice. Negative feelings are not inherently sinful or wrong. Emotions happen. Don't try to escape what you're feeling by denying or pretending it isn't there. Acknowledge it.

      I am of the firm opinion that certain things should outrage us. Evil acts should make us angry. It is an appropriate and reasonable response to injustice and malicious acts. It is a sign that you respect yourself (or others) when you rise up in outrage at egregious behavior. Acknowledge what you feel and don't be afraid of your own strong reactions to evil. Negative feelings should serve as a sign telling you that something is seriously out of whack. That is where your fore brain is supposed to come in. Emotions are not intelligent or mature. They are signals sent from primitive places in our brains. So what to do with them? Acknowledge they are what they are. Then, you apply your reasoning ability to the situation. What is the injustice? What can you do to deal with the situation to remove the threat? Is it time to bring in the law? Is it time to remove yourself? Don't be afraid of your strong reactions. Use them to motivate you to change the circumstance. Legally and morally.

      Don't fall for what passes for "truth" by the prescribers of false righteousness. They want peace at all costs. They are willing to overlook the crimes of abusers in order to keep things looking good on the surface. They want you to screw yourself by pretending someone didn't injure you, steal from you, slander you, etc. They demand you submit to bad treatment so they don't have to deal with anything as messy as your hurt or angry feelings at having been crapped on and screwed yet again. See what I'm saying? These people who condemn your negative feelings are demanding you put up with being raped. They are demanding your silence. In fact, in a real sense, they are piling on with the narcissist. They don't want to be inconvenienced by your justifiable reactions to evil deeds done to you or yours. Do not give moral weight to the opinions of someone who is only studying their own convenience and therefore willing to subvert justice in the name of a false peace or truce with evil.

      Give up your quest to find peace at the cost of honesty. Be honest with yourself about what you feel. Attempts to lessen the guilt of the guilty is an illegitimate way to cope with your negative reactions to them. Accept the truth that a decent person should be angry and outraged at perverted and evil behaviors."

  15. Lisette,

    I feel like your recent posts are different. I feel like you are losing your fight and you know you can't do that.

    1. Adrienne,

      I feel like your post is covertly aggressive. I feel like you are trying to provoke me and you know you can't do that.