How To Cause Narcissistic Injury Without Really Trying

Causing “narcissistic injury” is a walk in the park; you don’t have to do a damn thing. What’s difficult is NOT causing narcissistic injury.   

First off, I don’t care for wishy-washy psychiatric phrases like “narcissistic injury.” They are extremely misleading, and seem to suggest that the poor narcissist is “feeling” hurt or wounded and is suffering as a result. Give me a break. When you cause narcissistic injury you simply threaten the narcissist’s delusions of uniqueness and superiority and THAT pisses them off, period. All narcissistic injuries lead to rage. Therefore, “narcissistic injury” and “rage” aren’t just linked; they are one and the same. Sure, the narcissist’s reaction to a perceived threat may sometimes look like snootiness, cold detachment, apathy, mild irritation or indifference but it isn’t, it is rage.  

The title of this post is a little tongue-in-cheek because it doesn’t take any effort whatsoever to cause “narcissistic injury.” Hell, sometimes all it takes to enrage a narcissist is to breath the same air as them. The narcissist’s image is one of perfection: they view themselves as exclusive, faultless, flawless, irreproachable, magnificent bastards and if we lowly plebs ever forget it then look out, there will be hell to pay! Because with every narcissistic “injury” there is a reflexive urge toward violence. And guess who is at the receiving end of that violence? That’s right, we the people. WE are the ones that suffer “injuries” when the narcissist’s infantile little ego gets bruised.

It goes something like this: We somehow inadvertently threaten the narcissist’s grandiosity. In reaction to that threat, the narcissist experiences rage.  The natural byproduct of rage is violence. Depending on the narcissist, the violence can range from anything to name calling, shouting, a dirty look, walking away in a huff, the silent treatment, slamming a door, blasting the stereo, smashing a plate, breaking a chair, vandalizing your property, vandalizing your image, stalking, harassment, murder, and the ultimate… suicide. The narcissist’s violence is a knee jerk reaction to a threat of their narcissism. It is immediate and it is inevitable. It can be mitigated and controlled, but the impulse is ALWAYS there. Narcissists are ALWAYS seething with anger and ready to explode. BOOM!

The way I see it, the narcissist’s rage/violence serves a few purposes. First, it acts as a fortress to protect their image:  They scare the living shit out of us and therefore control us from ever speaking the truth about them and their behavior. We simply don’t speak-up for fear of retribution. We keep our mouths shut to keep the peace.  We walk on egg-shells around narcissists because we know that they are loose cannons ready to blow if we say or do the wrong thing. If you had N parents then you lived with the tension of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

We cause the narcissist “injury” when we don’t play by their script. All the worlds a stage and we are merely players to the narcissist’s starring role.  Our job as lowly bit players/extras/filler in the narcissist’s spectacular big budget drama is to enable and support their narcissism, NOT threaten it.  But because these Ns don’t take the time to hand-out our lines for the day, and the scenes we’ll be in and the roles we’re supposed to play, we end-up flubbing our parts and running the risk of being a target of N rage. And it’s VERY easy to flub our part. Make an innocent observation that contravenes with the narcissist’s self-image of perfection; dare to contradict the narcissist; subject the narcissist to an attitude that challenges their sense of entitlement; treat the narcissist as an equal and call their superiority into question; offer a damning yet accurate assessment of the narcissist’s dishonest behavior; make a statement of fact that impinges on the narcissist’s confabulated reality and watch the shit hit the fan!

Instead of calling - CUT! TAKE 2! - the narcissist has a raging temper tantrum. They control their fantasy of themselves by controlling us with fear. And if we’re not buying their “act” then their performances aren’t convincing enough and THAT freaks them out.  If you had N parents/ siblings then you’ve been silenced in those relationship all your life… and you may even still be afraid of them. I survived in my NFOO by playing the groupie to the N’s demanding Diva role.

Another purpose the narcissist’s rage/violence serves is to KEEP them in the lead role. They are not only the star of their own movie; they are the star of your movie/his movie/her movie/everyone’s movie. If they are lifting cars, tipping dumpsters, shooting evil glares, causing drama, spewing bile and creating chaos then roll camera because the spot light is on them, and that’s when the narcissist is ready for their close-up. If they can control a whole room of people with their mood...

THAT is fucking star power!

Narc Rage

Also, narcs always feel better after a good rage session. They’re like big babies with gas that have a good burp and let it all out. Oh, so satisfying.  And they not only expect us to feel better too after they rage, but to act like their ugly, psycho performance never happened. But do we feel better after the narcissist’s rage fest? Hellz no! First, the narcissist lightens their toxic load by dumping their anger onto us and into us, so we carry that around for them. Then, because we are not allowed to “feel” anything, we are forced to repress our own natural rage at the abuse they inflict. So there we are, carrying around the narc’s poisonous rage and suppressing our own righteous anger. If that’s not a recipe for illness/addiction/self-sabotage/effed-up relationships etc. etc., I don’t know what is. 

My malignant narcissist mother would always scream at me, “You’re so damn moody!” MN sister would always whine, “You always seem so angry. I don’t know why you’re always so mad at me all the time?” Of course, most of this was projection, but the reality was: Why the hell wouldn’t I be moody? I was a dumping ground for the toxic waste of three full-blown narcs. Was I supposed to be singing and dancing and whistling and smiling and doing back-flips of joy through the living room when I had no choice but to accept abuse and repress my every last feeling?! Put it this way: if I wasn’t quiet, withdrawn and apprehensive then there would be something seriously wrong with me… I would be a dumbed-down, lifeless, hollowed-out zombie and that would mean there’s nothing left of me, I no longer feel anything and the narcs had won. And get this, because I didn’t become what the narc’s wanted me to be - a compliant zombie - MN mother and MN sister who are certifiable and bat shit crazy, are telling people that I have a “mood disorder,” “emotional problems,” “mental-health issues.” Yup, that’s what happens when you decide to protect yourself from abuse.

The narcs label YOU the sick one.  HA! The irony of the injustice is mind-boggling. Also, because I’ve gone NO CONTACT – the mother of all N injury – the two evil witches can no longer unleash their rage on me in person. So the next best thing to do with their violence is to vandalize my image through lies, slander and gossip. Narcissistic abuse is the kind of abuse that keeps on giving long after you’re gone, and the reason is simple: Malignant narcissists MUST ALWAYS remain linked to their prey in some way. They are fused to you whether you like it or not. 

This leads me to another function of the narcissist’s violence:  It serves to perpetuate the relationship between the malignant narcissist and their victim. Their smear campaigns and abusive, crazy, deranged, dangerous, illegal, and bizarre behavior are done in an effort to maintain a relationship with you. The fact that it is a BAD relationship - a COMBAT situation - is beside the point. The point is the MN is still linked to you through arguing, screaming matches, restraining orders, police reports, court proceedings and lawyers.  And if the MN can’t have a physical presence in their victim’s life, then they create a way to live on in their victim’s mind. The MN mother says to herself, “Well, she might have a life of her own, but I will make her forever afraid of me!” Therefore ensuring that her victim, target, daughter won’t be able to live without thinking about her… and the movie plays on with MN mother in the lead. Or, the MN carries-out some spectacular display of evil right before their final curtain: For example, arranging for your inheritance to go to your mortal enemy. That way, the MN continues to live-on in the minds of others through conflict and strife. For the MN, there is no final curtain call, graceful bow, or exit stage left. Their horror show rages on long after they are dead and buried.   

Here are some examples of narcissistic injury, starting with the big ones: 

Exist independently of the N parent/Get married/Go no contact: This is the motherload of narcissistic injury. When the MN parent is confronted with the reality that they are not the main character in their child’s movie; that you have your own movie and they aren’t even in it, THIS is the worst calamity that can befall a malignant narcissist parent. They suddenly find themselves reduced to a bit part or completely cut-out, and are now doomed to be just like all the other 6 billion extras in the world. THIS makes the MN Diva mad as hell! How dare they be assigned to some lowly supporting role or end-up on the cutting room floor! They are a Star and don’t you ever forget it. This is probably why so many Ns pull crazy stunts at their children’s wedding: They want to make the event ALL ABOUT THEM, and maintain their starring role. 

The following comment left by ANON, perfectly illustrates narcissistic injury/rage when the N discovers that their supply exists independent of them:  

“I remember my mother having a hissy fit because one of her husbands was flirting with another woman. This crazy bitch had a full blown temper tantrum, screaming, cussing, and picking up the back end of a car, with the grande finale being that she tossed a couple of large green dumpsters over like they were nothing (big, heavy, full of trash - the kind you roll on wheels because nobody can pick them up)...I was scared as hell, but knew not to say a word or I'd receive whatever was left of her rage. I stayed quiet until we got home, went to my room and ended up drawing a cartoon of a cross between her and the incredible hulk tossing dumpsters in the air - the fear melted into giggles.” 

In this instance, the malignant narcissist sees her husband flirting with another woman and is confronted with the reality that she is not the main character in his movie. The movie is his, and it keeps on playing even when she’s not around. And the byproduct of that terrifying realization for this MN is to morph into The Hulk and go on a rampage until her fury is spent. And her fury wasn’t even directed at the husband, it was unleashed on innocent cars and dumpster. Can you imagine what the MN would have done to the husband? This is the kind of narcissistic injury that causes a MN to poison their spouse’s meal with cyanide. It's a good thing ANON knew NOT to react to her raging lunatic of a MN mother. 

A raging MN doesn’t have to act like a roaring, over-sized green beast, busting out of the seams of their clothing, trashing objects and running amok. Sometimes all the MN monster needs to rely on is good old verbal violence, a withering glare or gaslighting.

Here’s what happened to another Anonymous after looking "disappointed" after receiving an unfitting gift from N parents:  “When I looked disappointed - a torrent of shoulds/gaslighting/verbal abuse."You're never grateful for anything you selfish little bitch nothing ever pleases you I don't know why I bother you're never satisfied etc" delivered with the most hateful glare and harsh strident tone imaginable. It was really very terrifying, like being confronted by Medusa.”

Even a simple “look” of disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, or joy can cause the testy narcissist injury/rage. Once, I got belted across the face at the dinner table for a look I wasn’t even aware I gave MN mother. The violence came out of thin air, and shocked me so much that I wet my pants. And I never uttered a word. I just sat at the table and continued eating my meal; face stinging. It was N father who hit me, and he didn't give a crap what "look" I gave MN mother, he hated her, he just needed to release some pent-up rage and I was the family whipping post. 

Whether it was Medusa, The Hulk, The Hand or The Smirk; the effect was all the same to the children of narcissists: The N parent's rage was terrifying. Even after I fled to the opposite end of the country, and was officially an adult, I was still terrified of NFOO's rage. I remember a boyfriend who I did a lot of travelling with suggesting that I send post-cards to MN mother and MN sister. I kept on saying no. He kept on insisting. He was family oriented and wanted me to have a wonderful relationship with them… he just didn’t get it. Anyway, he kept on insisting I send post cards, and I kept on saying no. Finally he asked, “Why not?!” I answered, “Because they’ll get mad!” This was absolutely true. For me to live my own life, a full life, a happy life caused MN mother and MN sister narcissistic injury.

Hell, you can “injure” a narcissist simply by ending a telephone conversation with them. One morning – many years ago, before I fled to the opposite end of the country – MN sister called me up all chirpy. I was still sleeping, and a little hung-over. I was working three jobs, lived in a shit basement suite with a noisy family above me, and I had been out the night before until all hours and had to work that day and into the night. I needed my sleep. So she’s blathering on and on, and I guess I wasn’t acting overly enthused about whatever she was yapping about, or giving her the royal treatment that she feels entitled to so she sensed this and we cut the conversation short. Fine by me, I needed to take advantage of whatever sleep I could get. So I fell back asleep and was dozing comfortably when about 20 minutes later the phone rang and woke me up. I answer the phone, “Hello?” What do I hear at the other end but MN mother raging at the top of her lungs, “Where the hell is that lawn chair?! Who the hell do you think you are for taking that lawn furniture?! You goddamn get to do whatever the hell you want!”

What happened was this: MN sister, who was living with MN mother, got upset because I wasn’t doing back-flips of joy during our conversation. In other words, I didn’t enable and support MN sister’s narcissism and give her the preferential treatment she feels entitled to. This caused the psychotic little bitch injury, so she whined to MN mother about how rude I was. Now because MN mother and MN sister are fused, this also caused MN mother injury and she lashed-out and raged at me about some piece of shit lawn chair that I took to use in my apartment years prior. When it comes to MNs It’s NEVER about a crap lawn chair or a ratty old beach towel, it’s about their delusions of being superior beings and their expectations of always being treated as such.

Long story short, just by existing I caused MN mother’s limb - MN sister - injury. I was removed from activities that I loved and excelled in because my success made MN sister “feel bad.”I was taken out of figure skating after doing well in a province wide competition because according to MN mother, “Your figure skating makes your sister feel bad, and you don’t really like it anyway.” I remember MN mother giving me instructions to tell my coach I was quitting because my family couldn’t afford it. Yeah right. Money was never an issue.  

Earlier in the post I explained that the narcissist’s rage is inevitable and is immediate but it can be mitigated and controlled. Here’s an example of delayed release narcissistic rage:

I was visiting N father for a few days, and went out and picked-up a bunch of danishes to have with our morning coffee that week. It was the afternoon when I got back, and I asked N father if he would like to have a danish. He said sure, so I put a selection out on a plate and left them on the kitchen counter for him to choose from. A while later I went back to the kitchen and found N father reading the paper with an empty plate of danishes in front of him. With about as much interest as I would put into noticing rain, I innocently remarked, “Oh, you ate them all.”  N father snapped back, “They were small.” It was true, they were small, but he ate 6 of them. Anyway, there were still 6 left so I could at least enjoy one with my coffee the next morning.

Even with NPD knowledge I was thinking, shit! I shouldn’t have said that, now he’s going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I don’t recall him being in a noticeably bad mood, or maybe I just avoided him. Anyway, the next morning I awoke eager for my morning ritual of a coffee and something sweet, in this case a danish. I was about to go down the stairs when I heard N father crumpling a paper bag and the sound of the crumpled bag slamming against a wall.  Before I even descended the stairs and entered the kitchen, I knew what he had done. Sure enough, I found the bag of danishes crushed and crumpled at the opposite end of the kitchen from where I had left them. I grabbed the bag of squished and mangled danishes and plunked it into the garbage. I never said a word to N father about this seriously messed-up act. Why? Because I wanted to avoid WW3. 

Crushed danishes were narcissistic rage. So what was the narcissistic injury? Delivering what N father perceived to be disturbing data about him. In N father’s eyes, my remark about eating all the danishes wasn’t addressing his actions; it was addressing who he is as a person. And N father believes himself to be perfect and he can never be seen as anything but perfect, and a perfect person doesn’t make a pig of themselves. I never took him for a pig because he isn’t a pig.  He isn’t a hog and he has no issues with weight. And it’s not as if I said, “Hey Tubby, you scarfed ALL those danishes down?! Would you like me to fill-up you’re trough while I’m standing here?” There was narcissistic injury and there was rage and my innocent observation must have kept him up that night plotting his revenge. But why the danishes?! Anything but the danishes!

Causing “narcissistic injury” is a walk in the park; you don’t have to do a damn thing. What’s difficult is NOT causing narcissistic injury.  My life among the narcissists has been an exercise in not tripping the wire that causes the N to detonate. And living in a narc minefield is no way to live. If however, you would like to cause a MN lifelong injury and all-consuming rage and maybe a little fear; here’s what you do: Sometime before, during or after you go NO CONTACT make sure the narcissist knows that you’ve got their number and you've NEVER bought their act AND you're mad as hell. Then disappear. You will forever be a thorn in the malignant narcissist’s side if they know you're out there with the truth of who and what they are, and YOU are a loose cannon who’s not afraid to blow.