Sunday, 29 May 2011

Narcissistic Abuse and Anger


I thought I would address the issue of anger and narcissistic abuse by re-posting the best piece of writing that I have come across on the subject. No one said it better than crusader and trail blazer for the victims of narcissistic abuse – Kathy Krajco:
He who angers you controls you.
Baloney.  That popular adage does not pass a basic nonsense check. Look, it says that good boys and girls are so numb that nobody can make them feel any emotion. It is also exactly anti-logical, blaming the victim. It pathologizes you, the victim of the narcissist, instead of the narcissist.
Stuff like that is my pet peeve. Once you start noticing how much political correctness is anti-logic, you can’t help but wonder (with Mark Twain) whether anyone examines an idea before swallowing it whole.
We should be more careful what we let into our minds than what we let into our bodies. Rot adage like that does great added harm to the victims of abuse. First the narcissist outrages you until you want to scream. Then the do-gooders come along and tell you your outrage is a sin. Now, if that ain’t the Sin of Sodom (making someone bend over for it), I don’t know what is.
But don’t take my word for it. Think for yourself.
The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist’s abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn’t happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?
Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that’s nothing, but if I bash a human being, that’s something. If I step on a bug, that’s nothing, but if I step on a human being, that’s something.
Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don’t get it – until they’re the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgement in making nothing of it.
By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn’t tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation. But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgement.
And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now?
First the narcissist got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser’s behaviour, not the victim’s. There’s a name for people like that, “Job’s Comforters” or “troublesome comforters.” That’s what I mean when I say people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing. And it’s a sin for you to not cover up for the narcissist by acting like it didn’t happen.
Just what you needed to hear, right? So, whose side are they really on? Whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn’t it? What a heartless thing to do to a person already down.
Why can’t they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead?
Sometimes I think they just don’t want your sad little face to rain on their day. I think it’s for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want to make it go away, to act like it didn’t happen.
If it’s a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgement in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!
Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem.
The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn’t it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right – the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of a person would docilely accept abuse? A person who thinks anything of him or her – self? A person with any self-respect? Any dignity? Integrity? A backbone? If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.
Sounders like to sound good by making other sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim’s nose in it? That’s what it feels like. It’s no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to. This is what breaks the victim’s back. Forcing him to join in a zero valuation of himself. The result of this self-betrayal is self-hatred precisely what drives so many victims of narcissists to needing psychiatric help themselves.
So if specious pontifications like the one at the top have you on a guilt trip, get off.
Feelings are not conduct. No clear-thinking person should confuse feelings with conduct. Conduct is a matter of choice. Feelings are not a matter of choice. So, the notion that feelings can be “right” or “wrong” is absurd. They just ARE, period. Indeed, if you get burnt, you should feel burnt. If you don’t, something is wrong with you.
Others should not judge your feelings. I do not understand why those who believe in God are the most prone to do this, for it out-gods their God (who, according to their scriptures, Judges conduct only). Judging feeling is in itself narcissistic behaviour. In doing so, do-gooders are serving as proxy for your abuser.
You can lie about your feelings. You can go into denial about them. And you can even repress them. But you cannot change them.
Denying or repressing feelings is a lie. Now that is a matter of choice, and lying is bad for you. It’s self-delusion. It’s a kind of self-induced hypnosis to a state of emotional numbness. Not mentally healthy.
Repressed feelings are merely submerged to the level of the subconscious. But the subconscious is just subconscious: it isn’t gone. Things buried are still active. They influence and motivate your behaviour without your knowledge. In other words, repressed feelings rule your conduct like an unseen puppet master. Thus, ironically, it is by getting you to deny your anger that the narcissist controls you.
Accept your feelings. Own them. Know them. Experience the tremendous relief and comfort in that. Then you can temper their influence on your conduct with reason and good judgement. You are responsible for your conduct not your feelings. Just because you are angry does not mean you are out of control of yourself as that stupid saying implies. It is the narcissist who has no self-control, not his or her victim.
Your anger, like any pain, will pass. If someone punches you, he is to blame for your pain, not you. By the same token, the one to blame for your anger is the narcissist, not you.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Malignant Narcissist Parent as Soul Stalker

According to Law: 

Criminal harassment, more commonly known as STALKING, is a crime. Generally, it consists of repeated conduct that is carried out over a period of time which causes you to reasonably fear for your safety (mental, emotional, psychological, physical).
Individuals who stalk may possess one or more various psychological conditions, from personality disorders to mental illness. Most individuals who stalk are engaging in obsessional behaviour. They have persistent thoughts and ideas concerning the objects of their attention.

According to Dr. Frank Ochberg, Harvard trained MD and trauma expert:
The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions are chaotic.
According to malignant narcissists:

"Why the the hell should we have to act a certain way?! Hurting and humiliating others makes us feel good. Why can’t you just obey us and let us have our drug?!”
Every malignant narcissist I’ve known is EVIL, and every malignant narcissist I’ve known is a STALKER, and every malignant narcissist I’ve known should have a police record. If it was a different kind of world; I would sue their asses and slap them with the label they are so richly deserving of - CRIMINAL.

SOUL MURDER does not happen overnight: it is an unrelenting pattern of criminal behaviour involving the stalking and systematic destruction of the victim’s soul - a person's essence. In the case of malignant narcissist parents; it’s a lifelong pattern of abuse committed against a child.  

Malignant narcissist parents are very patient and very persistent in their quest to gradually insinuate their influence on a child’s thinking so that they may gain control of the child’s life and destroy it. In fact, they will do whatever it takes to create a false bond just to gain entry.  Keep that in mind if you have given a malignant narcissist parent the old heave ho and they are trying to slither their way back into your life – they will do anything or say anything to trick you into believing that there is a bond so that they can access your soul for destruction. Think of them as a Trojan Horse that will intrude and invade your inner life with bad thoughts.
Malignant narcissists sell a piece of their soul with every evil choice they make so by the time they reach adulthood they are soulless creatures - COMPLETELY EMPTY.  Since they lack a soul, they want to make sure that others are without one. And, there is no better ‘other’ to target than a child: as the purity of a child’s virtues puts them to shame. Further, the high they get from hurting an innocent child is a hell of a lot more intense than the one they would get from targeting a world-weary adult. This is why malignant narcissists stalk their own children; that and easy access.
Malignant narcissist parents also stalk their children’s souls in order to be human extensions - to live vicariously through them. Either way; the malignant narcissist parent gains in the transaction of the child's soul. They drain the child (kill life in the child), and leave them hollow (without a self) so that they can fill the child with themselves: be it as a dumping ground for their own toxic waste; or as a vessel to live their narcissistic fantasies through.
A few years ago I read a book by Marie-France Hirigoyen called Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity I found the book validating. The writer has a very compassionate approach toward the victim of narcissistic abuse/soul murder, and for the most part, does not attempt to get inside the victim’s head – she gives them the respect they deserve. Instead, Hirigoyen focuses on the abuser and looks at what may be going on in their sick minds.
As I read Stalking the Soul, I took point form notes of all the parts that helped me. So, In an effort to treat the soul stalking, soul murdering malignant narcissist as the pestilent, parasitic piece of shit that it is: I’ve decided to fire off an exhaustive summary of Stalking the Soul and weave in some quotes from M. Scott Peck’s, People of The Lie – that way we can invade the malignant narcissist's head space, and take a look at what's going on behind the vacant stare.

Soul Stalking - Soul Murder:
This lack of love in certain families, is a systematic destruction that batters a child and makes them want to die, it’s not simply an absence of love but an organized violence that the child not only endures but internalizes, to the point where he shifts the violence exerted upon him into self-destructive behaviour. (Stalking the Soul)

Evil people, refusing to acknowledge their own failures, actually desire to project their evil onto others, it is no wonder that children will misinterpret the process by hating themselves.
If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds or magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the persistence and consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. (People of The Lie)
Victims become dangerous adversaries when they begin to articulate what they have intuitively understood. The abuser then must SILENCE the victim.
Outright hostility later replaces ill will or malevolence if the victim reacts and tries to rebel. This is the phase of emotional abuse that has been called “psychoterror.” At this stage, any means or methods will be used, sometimes including psychical violence to destroy the designated victim. (Stalking the Soul)
Instead of destroying others they should be destroying the sickness in themselves. As life often threatens their self-image of perfection, evil people are often busily engaged in destroying and hating that life. (People of The Lie) 
The Malignant Narcissist as Stalker:
Stalking the Soul -
  • They have not matured and come into their own and they jealously observe those who have. Faced with their own emptiness, they try to destroy the happiness around them.
  • Prisoners of their own inflexible defense system, they can’t bear to see freedom in others. Unable to physically let go and enjoy themselves, they attempt to prevent others from natural pleasures.
  • They undermine simple relationships because of their inability to love.
  • Abusive narcissists need to triumph over and annihilate others in order to feel superior and accept themselves. They must destroy to find affirmation.
  • Their critical sense is highly developed, so they spend a lot of time criticising everyone and everything; this allows them to feel all powerful.
  • Their driving force in envy and their objective is taking over. To envy is to covet and to feel spiteful irritation at the sight of the happiness and the advantages of other people. We are dealing with an abusive mentality based on a perception of what the other possesses and they lack. The envious one is sick to see the other with material or spiritual benefits but he is more anxious to destroy than to acquire them for if they were his, he wouldn’t know what to do with them. Humiliating and disparaging the others suffices to make up the difference.
  • What abusers envy most is the other’s life. They want to dampen the vitality and enthusiasm of the people around them. Their deficiencies are shown up by the desires and vitality of the other. This is why abusers often chose as their victims people full of energy and love of life.
The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgement of one’s need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgement, we have no option except to eradicate the evidence of our imperfection. (People of The Lie)

The Malignant Narcissist’s Denial of Responsibility:
It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people; rather it is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it. (People of The Lie)

Stalking the Soul -
  • Because they have no real subjectivity abusers consider themselves not responsible. They are as absent to others as they are to themselves. They’re never there for you. They aren’t even there for themselves. Abusers constantly deny reality, down to minute incidents of daily life.
  • Stalking and attacking others is a means of avoiding pain, sadness and depression.
  • Because they are not completely autonomous and are dependent on others, they stick close to people and fear separation. They refuse to acknowledge the devouring nature of their “clingy” behaviour which could lead to a negative perception of their own image – this explains their abusive conduct toward an overly kind and solicitous person.
  • Because they feel impotent, abusers fear the power they imagine others to have. They therefore ascribe to them, in an almost delirious and crazy sense, a malice that is only a projection of their own malevolence.
  • With the hatred projected onto a target (that soon becomes prey) it calms inner tension; this allows the emotional abuser to act pleasantly in the outside world.
  • This explains the astonishment, or even denial, of people who learn about the abusive actions of a close relation who had previously only shown his positive aspect. 
  • The evidence of the victim, seen in this light, hardly seems credible.
So there you have it – a peek inside the head space of the malignant narcissist. When I read this for the first time I felt mildly vindicated because the information confirmed what I had already intuitively sensed: that the world of the malignant narcissist is incredibly bleak.  Though, I would never pity them because they always appear to be doing just fine.
In People of The Lie, Peck touches on this “appearance”.

Who is to say what the evil suffer? It is consistently true that evil do not appear to suffer deeply. Because they cannot admit weakness or imperfection in themselves, they must appear this way. They must appear to themselves to be continually in command. Their narcissism demands it. Yet we know that they are not truly on top of things. Their appearance of competence is just that: an appearance. A pretence. Rather than being in command of themselves, it is their narcissism that is in command, always demanding, whipping them into maintaining the pretence of perfect health and wholeness.

The narcissists I've known always have made a show of how productive and busy they think they are. They also like to pathologize everyone around them while claiming to be high functioning. In fact, the sicker the narcissist, the thicker they lay on the pretence of health and wholeness. It’s rather satisfying to know that they are slaves to their narcissism.  No wonder they hate life and love in others - life and love equal freedom and they are prisoners of their pathology.
As Peck writes:

While evil people are still to be feared, they are also to be pitied. Forever fleeing the light of self-exposure and the voice of their own conscience, they are the most frightened of human beings. They live their lives in sheer terror. They need not be consigned to any hell; they are already in it.
This is something I try and remember. I have heard the terror and panic in the voice of a malignant narcissist who found out there was a witness to her crimes. I watched as she scrambled to pull off the most elaborate post-abuse cover-up, worthy of a Hitchcockian thriller. She telephoned people she had never even met and spread vicious rumours and lies about her victim in an effort to bury her crimes. Her main concern was NOT the evil deeds she had committed, but what complete strangers might find out about her behavior - for behavior always reflects a person's true character. 

I have seen proof positive that malignant narcissists are“the most frightened of human beings.” They are completely paranoid, not only by what their wisp of a conscience may reveal to them about themselves, but by what others will think of them. The live in holy terror of their narcissistic image being smashed to smithereens. It's as if the loss of their false self would kill them, for they don't have a true self. 

The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. In this sense. the threat of criticism may feel to one who is evil synonymous with the threat of extinction. --- Ernest Becker, Escape from Evil.

When it comes right down to it; malignant narcissists are the weakest, most cowardly and most petrified creatures on the face of the earth. Once they know that you’re not intimidated by them, and that you’re on to them, and that they haven't snuffed-out the fight in you, they live in sheer terror of you… and that to me is a little piece of justice because they should be afraid - the victim holds the power of EXPOSING THE TRUTH.

Who's in control now narcs?!

Sunday, 22 May 2011

When Both Parents are Narcissists: A Soul Destroying Duo


If you had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell --- you have already lived hell on earth.”   
                                            Joanna Ashmun


Imagine having two narcissists as parents.  Imagine the twisted family system two disordered individuals would create. Imagine; if you will, the marriage of supreme narcissists: Dorian Gray of Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, and the Evil Queen of the Brothers Grimm, Snow White. Imagine living under the rule of these two noxious pathologicals. Imagine a warped world filled with destruction, distortions, delusions, and denial.
                                                       
The Evil Queen – malignant narcissist
The Queen is a beautiful woman who has a magic looking glass that she speaks to while she gazes at her reflection. The looking glass tells the Queen that she is the fairest in the land. That’s exactly what she needs to hear: that she in number one. Being on top – being the most powerful – means that she is in complete control: that other people don't exist without reference to herself.  When the Queen feels even the slightest threat to her omnipotence she becomes aggravated and needy and turns to the looking-glass for reassurance.
“Who is the fairest of us all?” She asks. 
The looking glass answers, “Queen, you are full fair, ‘tis true, but Snow White fairer is than you.”
“This gives the Queen a great shock, and she becomes yellow and green with envy, and from that hour her heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her. And envy and pride like ill weeds grow in her heart higher every day, until she has no peace day or night.”
The Queen’s absorption in her beauty doesn’t give her much pleasure; she doesn’t desire power through sexual seduction or attractiveness: what are stressed in the Queen's vanity is her pride.  She is driven by anger, fear and envy and the realization that as she and Snow White grow older she will lose and the Queen must never lose.  And, as Snow White grows lovelier and comes into her own as a separate identity, the Queen becomes more hideous and covetous: hating Snow White for becoming her reverse mirror and representing everything she is not.
At last the Queen sends for a huntsman, and commands him, “Take the child out into the woods, so that I may set eyes on her no more. You must put her to death, and bring me her heart for a token.”  
In order for the queen to find peace of mind, she must destroy the object of her interminable frustration – Snow White/her reverse mirror.  Since the huntsman lets Snow White go free,  the odious Queen must patiently and persistently stalks Snow White, never letting up until she brings her to death and has her heart: a symbol of what she lacks. The malignant narcissist is a covetous creature that derives pleasure in taking what she lacks from others. However, she has no interest in having admirable qualities in herself. 

In order to take; the Queen must stalk. It is her predatory nature and the stalking of her targeted prey – Snow White – that earn her the title of malignant which is synonymous with evil.
Dorian Gray - full blown narcissist:
Dorian Gray is a handsome young man who becomes spellbound by his own portrait.  He desires to be forever young and gives up his soul so that the painting may age and his appearance will remain unchanged.
Dorian lives a charmed life of pleasures both good and bad. He’s a seductive presence with the upper crust hedonistic ‘in crowd’ but also enjoys the debauched decadence that the seedy underworld of opium dens brings. 
His good looks and charisma attract many admirers such as Sibyl Vance - a talented actress- who he plans to marry. However, once their love becomes real, Sibyl loses her acting ability, and Dorian cruelly spurns her. She is no longer the trophy wife he had wished for, and as a result, she is devalued and discarded. Sibyl reacts to the rejection by committing suicide and Dorian’s portrait takes on a cruel expression.   
Dorian’s moral corruption increases throughout the story with his true character being inscribed only on the painting. The portrait serves as a reminder to Dorian of each immoral act upon his soul, and each transgression is displayed as a disfigurement of his form, or through a sign of aging.

The deterioration of his portrait enrages Dorian and he blames Basil - the artist of the painting -for the path his life has taken and decides to kill him. Dorian never holds himself accountable for the choices he makes; instead he justifies his actions according to the philosophy of new hedonism. Moreover, Dorian absolves himself of blame for Basil’s death, contending that it was the knife that committed the murder.

Dorian also blackmails good friend and fellow decadent Alan Campbell to dispose of Basil’s dead body and Campbell later commits suicide.  Eventually, Dorian can't bare the look of cynicism, cruelty and morel hypocrisy in the painting. He attempts to slash it and ends up killing himself and the painting returns to its pristine, youthful appearance.
The story questions the authenticity of surface appearance. Even Lord Henry – the smartest man in the book – is blinded by Dorian’s beauty to the extent that he dismisses the suggestion that a man like Dorian could commit murder.  Outwardly, Dorian is youthful and innocent yet his callous indifference wreaks havoc on the lives of everyone around him.  Aside from the murder of Basil – which was not premeditated and more a crime of passion – Dorian doesn't go out of his way to destroy others. He's unconcerned with what others think of him and he has no interest in idle gossip. His aloof nature simply lures others toward him: they find him irresistible and offer themselves up to him as sacrifices.
Dorian is a seducer and exploiter; he is not a predator; his indifference makes him passive; therefore he earns the title of narcissist.
Two styles of narcissism:
If we look at the Evil Queen as a malignant narcissist mother we see that she targets the child that threatens her delusions and embarks on a lifelong campaign to destroy that child. She stalks her young as prey. However, no human being can be in attack mode at all times so her malice is sometimes interspersed with indifference - the malignant narcissist is mainly malevolent and other people are objects of her obsession.
As a full-blown narcissist, Dorian teeters on the edge of malignancy – it resides within him but is usually dormant. In other words, his extreme self-absorption and indifference towards others is sometimes peppered with intermittent outbursts of cruelty - the narcissist is mainly indifferent and other people are merely supply and of little consequence.  
Each narcissist craves different types of supply: the Queen wants total power and control over others – she must be obeyed. Dorian wants to be worshipped and admired by others – he must be desired. The Queen generates her supply from within - her mind: scheming, plotting, head games, etc. Dorian generates his supply outwardly – his body. Ironically, each of the channels the narcissists use to funnel in supply ultimately leads to their undoing. For instance; the Queen's abuse of her mind leads to her madness and Dorian's abuse of his body leads to his ugliness.
(I'm aware of the terms cerebral and somatic narcissist but would rather refer to these narcissists as  predatory and passive).
The Queen’s dark drug of choice is to deliberately cause others harm and feed off their pain. Seeing others suffer acts as an opiate that sooths the malignant narcissist from the discomfort  of her frustrations.
Dorian’s dark drug of choice is to have a large fan base and draw people close and then reject them: having a never ending stream of attention and admiration gives him a huge narcissistic boost and acts as an adrenalin rush – the buzz makes him feel powerful.   
It's as if the predatory/malignant narcissist needs a downer (a pain killer) to quell fear, anger and the agitation caused by envy; while the passive narcissist needs an upper (a stimulant) to jack-up his ego and kick start his confidence.

When it comes right down to it - aside from the different ways these two obtain narcissistic supply - they are essentially the same. In other words, they share all of the same reprehensible narcissistic traits. For example, their outer appearance masks their true nature. Dorian is handsome, smooth and classy on the outside but has a slimy underside that causes ruin in his life and others. The Queen is beautiful, controlled, and noble on the outside but is secretly a crazy, covetous, homicidal maniac. They also both deny reality and any responsibilities for their actions; lack empathy and a conscience; are immature, amoral, cruel, callous, cold, indifferent, grandiose, deluded, selfish, entitled and total frauds etc. etc. 
Unfortunately, the main thing this gruesome twosome has in common is that neither one of them will allow anyone to get close enough to them to access their souls; for they both sold their souls in an effort to preserve their narcissistic image. Sadly, that is precisely why these two narcissists would be drawn to one another. The end result of two amoral, selfish, stunted people coming together to raise a family would be abuse, neglect, abandonment and exploitation of the children - to name a few.

The life of a child under the care of these two classic narcissists would be a horror story not a fairy tale.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Malignant Narcissists are Morally Insane



Shameless, callous, selfish, evil, murderous, insane, death - this is a real ‘feel good' blog.  Maybe I should slip in a brownie recipe, or videos of kittens to lighten the mood – NOT.

To continue reading this article and many more purchase a copy of House of Mirrors Books: 



Breaking Free: A Way Out For Adult Children of Narcissists 



 


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