Tuesday 31 May 2011

Never Show "Vulnerability" to a Narcissist




Never show signs of weakness around a narcissist because when you’re down that’s precisely when they’re going to kick. This is true for all narcissists, from your garden variety straight on up to the malignant.  All narcissists salivate at the sign of a vulnerable target - be it mental, emotional or physical vulnerability.



Narcissists are spineless bullies. They are insecure, jealous, inadequate, attention seeking little brats trapped in the body of an adult.  Have you ever referred to a narcissist as a strong person? I doubt it. Narcissists are immature weaklings and cowards. Their personality disorder makes them so. When they see an easy opportunity to strike they can’t help themselves. 

They are nasty little children and they don’t fight fair.  

Malignant narcissists are predators by nature and predators devour the bleeding and the injured. They can't help themselves; it’s their animal instinct. They respond to your vulnerability like a rabid junkyard dog to a meaty bone: they’ve gotta chomp on it.

So I ask you, are you going to show insecurity around a sadistic little brat who’s always looking for ways to vaunt themselves at your expense? Are you going to show signs of weakness around a vicious predator whose very nature is to attack vulnerable prey? Narcissists are unsafe, period. But they are especially dangerous when you are in a weakened state. Sharks sniff out blood.

All narcissists identify with other abusers, so if you have been harmed by another person – most likely another narcissist - do not tell them. The narcissist will not only pathologize you but defend their fellow narcissist. Feel better now? The narcissist does. You see, narcissists are always scrounging around for validation of their abusiveness. If you offer up proof of another harmful person – in the narcissist's eyes – you have justified their own cruel behaviour. Birds of a feather and all that.

In the most sinister way; the vile narcissist will attribute virtues to your abuser while giving you a good kick. For example, you are in utter distress because a co-worker has been bullying, undermining, and sabotaging you for over a year. He's trying to get you fired; he wants your job.  You are at wits end, losing sleep, nervous, stressed out and ready to quit your job because of the situation. The narcissist - let's call her Sherry - will simply be delighted to hear of your dilemma, and react to your predicament by saying, “Oh, come on. He’s not a bad person. He’s just a hard worker and his job is important to him. Maybe he’s been taking notes on you. You’re just not taking very good care of yourself.”

See what the narcissist did? Sherry just defended her fellow narcissist saying that he’s a good guy, a hard worker, cares about his job and obviously has dirt on you. The narcissist just told you that you are bad, lazy, you don’t care about your job, and that you’re obviously doing something that warrants note taking and the narcissist’s abuse. Furthermore, the narcissist assigned the cause of your distress to you for not taking care of yourself. It’s your fault. Get it? You were asking for it. That’s why the co-worker narcissist abused you, and that’s why Sherry is justified in abusing you. The vile narcissist feels better now.  


Here's another example of the narcissist's callousness. You've been in a serious accident in which you suffered a massive cut to your face. The injury was so bad that it required plastic surgery. You are still in a state of shock from the accident; you are beaten-up, stitched-up, battered and bruised. You are distressed at the state of your face; you are weakened and run down from surgery. Laid up in bed, you make the mistake of sending a fact based email notifying a narcissist of your accident. Let's call the vile narcissist Myra. Myra responds with a one line email that says, "Keep it in perspective." She adds a link to a YouTube video of a guy with no arms and no legs. Feel better now? The vile narcissist Myra does.

Let's take a look at what both of the narcissists did. They placed themselves above you as your judge: "Keep it in perspective." "You're not taking care of yourself." This condescending superiority aggrandizes the narcissist. They denied you any attention and let you know that you don't matter. They blamed you, the victim, and attributed virtues to your abuser. They dismissed and minimized your experience. Let you know that you had no right to even bring up your accident, let alone feel anything because someone out in YouTube land has no arms and legs (as if they care). They justified their outrageous callousness and derived pleasure from you pain.

And get this: Sherry calls you up bawling her eyes out because her date stood her up, and she expects you to comfort her. Myra - a 65 year old woman - calls you up bawling her eyes out because her sister doesn't have time to frame her paintings for her show, and she expects your sympathy.

Ugh! You get it: they're narcissists. They are big babies and parasitic bottom feeders who are always scrounging the surface of every interaction looking for ways to feed. Their entire existence is based on deep rooted selfishness. 

Here’s one final example of a narcissist taking advantage of your vulnerability. You've had a bad fall in which you suffered a massive cut to your face. You are still recovering and you are coming to terms with the fact that your face is going to be permanently scarred. The narcissist knows that you are self-conscious about the scar on your face and how it is healing.

You visit the narcissist and notice that he needs a few things around the house. Although you are the one in need of care, you go out and purchase a bunch of helpful and thoughtful items for the narcissist. You package everything up really nice and with a smile present the big bag of goodies to the narcissist. The narcissist takes the gift bag and with a big smirk on his face and an evil glint in his eye, he snarks, “that thing on your face is really red.”  You can’t hide the fact that he hurt your feelings. The narcissist looks like he is high on drugs.

When you are in a weakened state that’s when the narcissist's fangs come out. Vulnerability makes you the perfect target to abuse, control and manipulate. Never let a narcissist know that someone has done you wrong; never let them sniff out an insecurity; never let them see you sweat. What elicits warmth and compassion in normal people, provokes an act of shocking inhumanity in a narcissist. They will attack when you can't defend yourself and deny you whatever you are in need of: be it serious medical attention, a roof over your head or an ounce of sympathy.

Don’t ignore the twisted aggression inherent in all narcissists. Don’t engage in fantasy and magical thinking. Don't try to penetrate their callousness. When we refuse the truth of what the narcissist really is, we leave the door wide open to abuse.

Whatever is ruling your emotions at the time will be used against you by the narcissist. Don’t involve them in the sensitive areas of your life, don’t let them into your head space, keep them away from your wounds. Protect yourself. If you must be in contact with a narcissist, play your cards very close to your vest. Don't display any signs of neediness. They are the enemy of goodwill and the last people you want around during a time of crisis.

Narcissists are terrorists who invade mental and emotional borders. They are constantly engaged in an invisible war of control.  It's ALWAYS about their boundaries, their terms, their agenda, and their conveniences while you lie dying by the side of the road.

Sunday 29 May 2011

Narcissistic Abuse and Anger


I thought I would address the issue of anger and narcissistic abuse by re-posting the best piece of writing that I have come across on the subject. No one said it better than crusader and trail blazer for the victims of narcissistic abuse – Kathy Krajco:
He who angers you controls you.
Baloney.  That popular adage does not pass a basic nonsense check. Look, it says that good boys and girls are so numb that nobody can make them feel any emotion. It is also exactly anti-logical, blaming the victim. It pathologizes you, the victim of the narcissist, instead of the narcissist.
Stuff like that is my pet peeve. Once you start noticing how much political correctness is anti-logic, you can’t help but wonder (with Mark Twain) whether anyone examines an idea before swallowing it whole.
We should be more careful what we let into our minds than what we let into our bodies. Rot adage like that does great added harm to the victims of abuse. First the narcissist outrages you until you want to scream. Then the do-gooders come along and tell you your outrage is a sin. Now, if that ain’t the Sin of Sodom (making someone bend over for it), I don’t know what is.
But don’t take my word for it. Think for yourself.
The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist’s abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn’t happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?
Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that’s nothing, but if I bash a human being, that’s something. If I step on a bug, that’s nothing, but if I step on a human being, that’s something.
Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don’t get it – until they’re the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgement in making nothing of it.
By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn’t tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation. But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgement.
And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now?
First the narcissist got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser’s behaviour, not the victim’s. There’s a name for people like that, “Job’s Comforters” or “troublesome comforters.” That’s what I mean when I say people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing. And it’s a sin for you to not cover up for the narcissist by acting like it didn’t happen.
Just what you needed to hear, right? So, whose side are they really on? Whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn’t it? What a heartless thing to do to a person already down.
Why can’t they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead?
Sometimes I think they just don’t want your sad little face to rain on their day. I think it’s for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want to make it go away, to act like it didn’t happen.
If it’s a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgement in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!
Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem.
The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn’t it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right – the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of a person would docilely accept abuse? A person who thinks anything of him or her – self? A person with any self-respect? Any dignity? Integrity? A backbone? If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.
Sounders like to sound good by making other sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim’s nose in it? That’s what it feels like. It’s no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to. This is what breaks the victim’s back. Forcing him to join in a zero valuation of himself. The result of this self-betrayal is self-hatred precisely what drives so many victims of narcissists to needing psychiatric help themselves.
So if specious pontifications like the one at the top have you on a guilt trip, get off.
Feelings are not conduct. No clear-thinking person should confuse feelings with conduct. Conduct is a matter of choice. Feelings are not a matter of choice. So, the notion that feelings can be “right” or “wrong” is absurd. They just ARE, period. Indeed, if you get burnt, you should feel burnt. If you don’t, something is wrong with you.
Others should not judge your feelings. I do not understand why those who believe in God are the most prone to do this, for it out-gods their God (who, according to their scriptures, Judges conduct only). Judging feeling is in itself narcissistic behaviour. In doing so, do-gooders are serving as proxy for your abuser.
You can lie about your feelings. You can go into denial about them. And you can even repress them. But you cannot change them.
Denying or repressing feelings is a lie. Now that is a matter of choice, and lying is bad for you. It’s self-delusion. It’s a kind of self-induced hypnosis to a state of emotional numbness. Not mentally healthy.
Repressed feelings are merely submerged to the level of the subconscious. But the subconscious is just subconscious: it isn’t gone. Things buried are still active. They influence and motivate your behaviour without your knowledge. In other words, repressed feelings rule your conduct like an unseen puppet master. Thus, ironically, it is by getting you to deny your anger that the narcissist controls you.
Accept your feelings. Own them. Know them. Experience the tremendous relief and comfort in that. Then you can temper their influence on your conduct with reason and good judgement. You are responsible for your conduct not your feelings. Just because you are angry does not mean you are out of control of yourself as that stupid saying implies. It is the narcissist who has no self-control, not his or her victim.
Your anger, like any pain, will pass. If someone punches you, he is to blame for your pain, not you. By the same token, the one to blame for your anger is the narcissist, not you.

Saturday 28 May 2011

Malignant Narcissist, Covetous Sociopath, Bully, Liar, Slanderer...


It doesn't matter what you call them: malignant narcissist, covetous sociopath or bully. They are one and the same. They are all predators who target people that provoke in them a desire for something they have, or for something they are. The covert power game and systematic destruction of another who put puts their wretched selves to shame is sport for the malignant narcissist. They excel at it. They’ve been practicing since birth. It gives them a thrill and makes them feel alive. That is why malignant narcissists are unsafe for human interaction, period.  If you have been targeted by a malignant narcissist and they have access to you, they will try and destroy you: that’s their nature. It's not complicated. Run like hell.


Having two narcissists as parents was no picnic (they divorced long ago). Though sometimes I feel lucky that they both weren’t malignant.  Unfortunately, my sister made up the difference. She is a malignant narcissist like my mother and I have had a target on my back since birth. Not one, but two dangerous predators working as a team have been hunting me all-my-life. Malignant narcissist sister tried to kill me twice (that’s another post) and MN mother slipped me a note - twice - that suggested I should commit suicide (that’s another post).

I’ve stayed out of reach of these two dangerous predators for 20 years and yet they still managed to stalk me and wreak havoc on my life over the phone, online and through email. Truth be told; that's the main reason I'm blogging on the subject of malignant narcissism - those two crazy bitches, and others who are exactly like them. Take it from someone who has been there: If you've been targeted by a malignant narcissist – particularly a family member – you will NEVER be safe in their sphere of influence because they will never stop trying to destroy you.

If the malignant narcissist can extract information from anyone, and I mean anyone, who is in contact with you, they will. They will create a smear campaign over the most innocuous slice of your life. For example, you tell Bob that a car rear ended you; the malignant narcissist knows that you’re in contact with Bob, and even though the malignant narcissist doesn’t have a relationship with Bob, she calls him now and again just to see if she can dig up dirt on you – that’s how brazen and predatory the malignant narcissist is. The blood thirsty malignant narcissist manages to pry this tiny tidbit of information – about a minor car collision - out of Bob. The malignant narcissist then concocts an elaborate pathology of you based on a 5 second mention of a fender bender. She spreads her work of fiction far and wide in order to generate a negative view of you in everyone’s eyes. Remember:  the malignant narcissist is ravenous; she hasn't had her supply since you went no contact; she is irritable and aggressive and is chomping at the bit to destroy you by any means possible.  

If the malignant narcissist can’t violate your mind directly, the next best thing is to dirty up other people’s minds with bad thoughts of you. This is achieved through lies, slander, false rumours, undermining, creating doubts and suspicions and by encouraging and manipulating people to withhold information and spread misinformation.

Don’t think for a second that sharing an innocent piece of information such as being in a fender bender is harmless – it isn’t. Any information about you is ammunition for the devious malignant narcissist and it will be used to attack you. That’s why it is so important to sever all lines of communication that are open to your abuser. Even if you don’t care what her cohorts and copycat abusers think, she’s still getting a power rush out of the game. And the worst part: the slimy bitch will malign you all under the pretense of “concern”. It’s enough to make you sick. She puts on a schmaltzy performance as a "caring" person; meanwhile, behind closed doors, she’s plotting your destruction. And, the brain dead 'pod-people' buy her act. What a joke! It's no surprise that narcissists surround themselves with imbeciles.

No wonder people are taking to the internet to expose the truth. Narcissistic abuse is not only an assault of a person’s human dignity; it’s a never ending cycle of re-victimization by an abuser who literally gets high and mighty through the process of your destruction. In short, narcissistic abuse is an assault on a person’s human dignity by those who have NO dignity – that is an outrage!

Malignant narcissists are disgusting, filthy, reprehensible creatures. They are violent mental and emotional rapists, and as such, they think like rapists. A rapist knows that they are dirty. They are secretly ashamed of themselves for their perversions. So, in order for the mental rapist to feel clean, they must dirty up their victim. That’s where spreading rumours, lies and slander comes in.  But we all know that slander is just projection. So, whatever LIES the vile narcissist is spreading about you, is actually the TRUTH about the narcissist.

Unfortunately, most people are easily duped into swallowing the narcissist’s load of crap. Female narcissists are masters at manipulating people through their emotions, beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Malignant narcissist sister once said to me with a spooky giggle, "It's so easy to use the power of suggestion on Dad." Creepy, eh? There is underlying sinister intent to everything she says and does.

Another thing that people don’t get is that the narcissist needs NO reason to be hostile to their target. Normal people attack for natural motives like revenge or retaliation. Not so the narcissist. They simply attack people who possess something they want. For the narcissist believes that everything belongs to her, and if someone has a little of it, then she's not getting all of it. Pathological greed, entitlement, and covetousness are what makes the malignant narcissist a dangerous predator. They are forever out to take, keep from, destroy and besmirch whatever they can get their grimy paws on: be it your job, you home, your relationships, or your reputation.

It is sheer malevolence to want to damage the most valuable possessions of another. It is sheer malevolence to be hostile to others getting what makes them happy and feel good about themselves. And, it is beyond sick to have ill will toward people who aren’t harming you, have never harmed you, and have never threatened to harm you. Malignant narcissists are pure evil. Just look at who they target: vulnerable children, people who love them, family, and the innocent.

Convicted criminals who steal out of necessity, or shoot someone who tries to fight them off in a robbery, or commit murder out of anger or for revenge are better than the malignant narcissist. The criminal isn’t a threat to anyone else because he doesn’t go around wishing to hurt others or see harm come to them. But the malignant narcissist does - in every waking moment of her sad, sorry existence. The malignant narcissist is a pestilent, disease spreading low-life and the driving force behind her predation is insecurity, greed, entitlement and covetousness. Remember; she's not normal. She's incapable of acquiring positive attributes for herself, so she must take from others to even the score. 

The malignant narcissist's spiteful envy compels her to steal from you and she wants to make damn sure that you are severely harmed in the process.  This clandestine power game is priority number one, and all of the malignant narcissist’s energies are devoted to it.  The objective is POWER, CONTROL, and DOMINATION and she will stop at nothing to win. Causing the downfall of others gives her pleasure and victory means disempowering the target to a state of suffering and loss while aggrandizing herself. So sad, that the pathetic little narcissist must resort to such tactics but she knows no other way, she's abnormal: socially, morally, emotionally and psychologically retarded. 
However, beneath her extreme treachery, the malignant narcissist is still able to project an "image" - albeit campy and over-the-top.  So, when people don’t incite her jealous rage, she lays on the smarmy charm thick with a spoon and slyly uses those dimwits to spread vicious rumours about her victim. All the while, maintaining a false front as a well-meaning, do-gooder. Blech! That is precisely why these sickos - particularly women - can continue harming people. Why is the average person so dense? Narcissists are lousy actors.     

Malignant narcissists love their perverted sport, and they never want the game to end. It's all they have. Let's face it; their lives are sad, so very sad.  Take away the narcissist's only reason for living – to hurt others. Don’t be their play thing. Stay Far Far Away.